nastiness begets nastiness, Brielle

thanks to "able" and others... i bring you a cross posting from myfuckingspace blog:

Monique Junot, as she's currently going by on MySpace.com, is a FRAUD of a person.

Yes, YOU, Brielle.

Also known as KußßKußß or Brialala (on OKC which she deleted) or Brie or Brielle or ZombiePussay on AIM, or ironauricle on tumblr, 0grebattle on LiveJournal, or as countless other fake identities on countless other online communities where she bashes people who are uncool, chats with people who want to get into her pants but pretend to be friends or who act like she's cool, friends that she will disrespect and trash when she feels her own life is of more importance, etc; she likes to post fake arguments with her ex or other guys and lies on a punkrock forum, argue with people for the sake of being right or just plain makes fun of anything and anyone because of how insecure she is.

She is excellent at self portraiture. Don't let her beauty pull you in. She will talk about respect, honesty, self awareness, openness and all the good stuff... but displease her for a second and she'll get angry and run away with some snide remark prior to leaving the room. Displease her and she might even just vanish off the face of the earth and leave you in the dust without knowing what her cause or reason is. The best you'll get is "it's none of your business what i do with my life" no matter how close you thought you were or she said you were. No matter what you've done for her. She cannot handle conflict or emotional vulnerability.

She seemingly can't tell the difference between messages sent automatically by subscription systems and messages sent by YOU, INTENTIONALLY TO HER. (it doesn't help that GMAIL says "From Dysamoria to ME" instead of "Updated Blog Notice"). The more upset she is with something in her personal life, the more likely you are to piss her off unknowingly with something either personal or harmless... because she thinks you're attacking her (see above) or she hasn't told you that she's having personal problems. She clams up and doesn't communicate but you will suffer the costs.

She is very intelligent, skilled, very beautiful and great in bed... unless she's having a bad day/week/month. Then she hates everything, everyone and anything She values having a job over having close friends and lovers and is insecure about employment. She has poor reading comprehension and little tolerance or empathy for people different from her (i cried in her lap for hours because she just got up, said something crude and walked off during a conversation and it didn't mean shit to her how hurt i was by her actions - because i had dared talk over her, JUSTIFYING her childish and elite behavior as if she is all proper and prim - somehow i'm ALWAYS the asshole; YOU will ALWAYS be the asshole). In fact, she doesn't seem to have any emotions other than anger or fear and fear she will try to hide.

"Close friends" means fuckbuddy. All as soon as she finds a better alternative to you or goes into one of her superiority complex modes or thinks you've "disrespected her" - SHE WILL ERASE YOU FROM HER LIFE. She will block you, delete accounts, and erase you from her flickr/tumblr photo collections, web presences, ignore your phone calls and voice messages and SMS messages. She will ignore or erase or ban your postings. She will tell her friends how horrible you are so that you cannot get responses from THEM either if you ask for explanations for her treatment of you.

Don't bother with her. she is a great case of Borderline Personality Disorder, or worse. She can't be changed. She doesn't want to change. She will tell you things that make it sound like she's self aware but she's irrational when it comes down to the fine print or stress. Don't miss the subtle indicators that she knows she's cruel and hurtful. Don't think you can change her. You can't.

i made the mistake of believing in her and tried to kill myself when she treated me like dirt on the phone after a week of complete silence and being ignored. why? because after 3+ months of being together, i thought i mattered to her. She even said i did. i thought she cared. because i bonded to her. because i liked her and her dog and cats and her love of animals (her dog Hank has a profile here, too).
stupid fucking me for caring.

And YES, i am outing you, BRIELLE. You said you STUCK BY YOUR FRIENDS but you don't. You insult them and ignore them when it's convenient for you. You warned that to cross you is a bad thing... well FUCK YOU, i'm sick of assholes fucking me over just like you've done. i may be a male but i fucking have a heart, too, you heartless jerk.


and, i add, why do i keep allowing women into my life that behave like this? judy? dana? elise?

You tell me "i don't want to end up another one of those names of women you hate on your blog..." and the easy answer is DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE!

"i don't want this to end in a negative way" she said, insincerely and then ERASED ME.

trash

i get it now
it's merely a matter of convenience
how foolish of me

it's easier to be an asshole
to be selfish
cruel
lie

become "unavailable"

it's easier to be people like Brielle and Elise
dana, john, jana, jenni, megan, toshi, jefferson
picus, jenni's sister, mike the chef, mike the heather manipulator

.and.
.so.
.many.
.more.

choose your reality
erase people you think have offended you

but first the setup!
pull them in, or make it appear you're simply letting them in, even more clever...

bring them into the fold
showcase them
talk them up

make them feel special

"i don't see how anyone could ever think you're scum"
"those girls didn't deserve you"
"you're better than them"
"they're just selfish"

over and over and over
the same insincere trash talk.
the same LIES.

take advantage of them
fuck, be fucked
have your yank, get free orgasms
receive your so badly needed validation

have your "friendship"
sex friends
people you're "seeing"
"best friends" you betray

then tear them apart
or ignore them, or tell them off
change parameters without notice,
whatever. just something sudden and cruel.

"terms subject to change without notice.
we are under no obligation to inform you of changes
prior to their execution."

tell your friends they're trash
the friends you were trashing
now you need them again
because you've exchanged hates

found the lesser exposure
realized who sees you least
where you're more hidden
invisible but accepted as a member

the elite club of cool outsiders
insiders, who cares what caste you want
you just want one that takes you in as member
where you can throw out people you don't like

I GET IT NOW.

i can be just like you.
erase you, ignore you.
tell everyone you're trash.

i'm doing it now. wheee!

so fuck you all.
you're all trash.

makeup, clever vocabulary without logical coherence
hiding rotting sores
rotting souls
rot

zombies, trash,
monsters in costumes of worse monsters
for fun and for protection

masks to hide worse masks
portraying something better
something bitter but risky and cool
elite

rot

rot and flutter away with the leaves

waste your time surfing every internet social club
seeking an identity you can't fashion out of reality
look for people to bash in clusters of assholes, jackals
fan the flames, sham the blames and blame the truths

seek out that next perfect man, the good fuck
to bash later when he sees through your makeup

women suck
men suck
people suck
so do their friends

wives
husbands
whoever just does as told
without forming their own opinions based on truth

all of you
thinking you're just fine
better than
in control

trash
every single one

including me
because i can't be YOU.

cut off the senses

blogger is advertising the blogging of babies and i just want out of life. disgusting to see baby faces every time i log in.

victim mentality

Maybe a subtitle could be "anti-social personality disorder, revisited." This is an extract from an earlier article i wrote called "Do Sociopaths Deserve Humane Treatment?"

Victim Mentality. The oft cited and rarely defined term that i shall define and cite for you myself.

Definition: blaming the victim for being one.
Citation: those enraged by being sought out as a target for hate and anger (actively or passively).

Sociopaths are people with an anti-social personality disorder. This, boiled down, means that a group of them cannot form healthy and productive societies because their very behavioral patterns are against the needs of the group and for their own benefit (including when they appear to be socio-conscious in order to appear perfectly normal and respectable).

The very right to be enraged or even hurt at the actions of another make you a bad person in the eyes and minds of the majority.

Example:

If someone walks into the room and denounces your work ethic to a bunch of your co-workers, several times a week, while you're not around to witness it and defend yourself on the spot or call out your accuser to prove his or her statements or back down... you've just been violated. An act of social and psychological violence has been made against you.

"I don't play the victim mentality role. It doesn't matter what people think, just how good a job you do!"

Sorry, but you are just as much a victim as if your boss walked into your office or cubical and pushed a knife into your chest without provocation. Sidelining again, what kind of provocation would justify that response?? Were you socially and psychologically tormenting your boss by spreading fear, uncertainty and doubt among every member of the workplace to the point that your boss was being shunned, joked about, and at risk of losing his life-sustaining income by losing job simply because you felt it was totally harmless to do smart-ass gossiping because you feel intimidated by his work experience?

It matters what people think of you if they control, socially, your accessibility to the pursuit of success, or even happiness.

True Victims do not choose themselves. It is not shameful to be a victim.

Victimizers choose their victims. Most often by way of jealousy and self-esteem issues. They seek those who they feel are not a threat to them. Those they feel they can control or with whom they can control the situation and the perception of events. This is shameful.

True shameful "victim mentality" is justifying your inhumane, cruel and violent actions by saying "He/she did this-and-that to me, so I am responding in kind. If others get in my way, that's just too bad. It's not like I'm targeting anyone innocent."

True "victim mentality" is "I'm going to be rude, cold and judgmental to you because that's what everyone has done to me my whole life. Why should I be sensitive to YOU when no one was sensitive to ME??"

THAT, is what shameful "victim mentality" is. Point your fingers, and knives where they belong.

Who's doing the pointing, anyway? In who's best interest might it be to make victimization into something the victim should be shameful and held responsible for?

The victimizers. The one's who have control over the situation and over you. Victimizers are the ones who devised the concept that being a victim is "your own damn fault." It's in their best interest that you be "ashamed for letting it happen to you." As though to defeat rational observation (and discussion) of true cause and effect, they seek to make the effect have no cause but itself.

"You worked with him before, so why would you work for him again if he's so bad??"

Yes, that one is DIRECTLY from my OWN personal experience. The complacent gossipers and the ignorant and naive bystanders trying to cover up the "unbelievable" fact that they have missed something and that they think you want special treatment (or have been getting it). The people who were not (yet) victims of the sociopathic victimizer. The ones who were once victims themselves but failed to escape and chose to find a pariah of their own. Or several. The people who hate you and victimize you for reminding them of how it feels to be victimized.

There are entire cults who rant against the slaughter and immorality of World War II and human slavery. Cult? i don't mean to suggest that the people who find these things objectionable are the cult members; i mean that there are actually people who find it A BOTHER that these things are still discussed and that they must be such a burden since "hey, man, it's not like i killed any jews or had any slaves, so leave me alone."

"Those who forget the past are destined to repeat it" (misquote)

This isn't philosophy. This is concrete reality. This is human behavior on the macro and microscopic level. From the individual to the group mind.

The the most critical concept to understand here is on the macro level: the individual victimizer and his or her victim. The way they propagate by leading one victim after another down the path of becoming victimizer. A victimizer is a much more aggressive person on certain fronts and are much better at holding on to what little they believe is theirs.

The more sociopaths are allowed to shape the world around them to best suit their own interests (not the interests of the group, the society or the species), the more damage they do (to the society) and the more sociopaths they CREATE.

You've heard the rhetoric about what growing up in a war zone, or in prison, or being a child of molestation creates: it creates a replication of the stimuli. The victim becomes hardened from constant assaults. A hostile environment creates a defensive individual. Constant exposure to hostility turns defensiveness into hostility. Hostility acts outwardly against those who appear to be the cause of the hostile environment... or maybe anyone... because "HE didn't stop it from happening" and "SHE didn't tell the boss about the gossip about me."

A hostile and toxic environment creates a hostile and toxic person. It can do nothing else. You either harden or you weaken. Those who weaken are frequently used by other people as a comparison or consolation agent; to ease their own suffering or make it pale in comparison. What better way to make your problems pale in comparison to someone else's than by MAKING someone else's problems worse?

Yes, you may think it's all fun and games. Harmless talk. Chit chat. Gossip. Play. Ribbing.

Play leads to exhaustion. Exhaustion leads to lowered stamina. Lowered stamina leads to sensitivity. Sensitivity leads to vulnerability. Vulnerability leads to being damaged by "lesser offenses." And in the end, you have victimizers, formerly victims, pointing fingers at the lesser victims; the ones they can pick at and NOT be brought to justice.

Human beings exposed to toxic experiences during their developmental stages very often become "rugged" or "tough" as a defensive mechanism. It's automatic part way, but then it also becomes part of the personality. That's when it becomes choice. Many people at this point choose to "take it like a man/woman" and "give as good as they get" ...

.. but on the inside... they're rotting out and becoming a shell of armor which protects a wounded child that never grew up and never learned appropriate and healthy ways of defending or avoiding the toxic and hostile experiences. These people end up with Borderline Personality Disorder.

BPD.

Anyone reading me on a regular basis knows that i struggle with the understanding that those who have abused me have become abusive because they themselves were abused. i empathize with these people because i know suffering well enough. At first, they like this. Later, they feel vulnerable because i see and know too much. Then i become a threat. To their egos. Their "hearts." Their agendas.

A person with BPD still can make distinctions between good and bad behavior. i've seen it demonstrated many times by many people with the condition. They admit to feelings of guilt. The problem is, they feel guilt because they know what they have done is harsh, cruel, rude, or just plain wrong... but they never learned how to empathize with those they have hurt. Most likely, no one empathized with their own suffering as it was forming their defense mechanisms years previous.

But they KNOW. They CAN distinguish the difference. They can CHOOSE to take an active role in their behavior patterns if they see value in it.

The value, ideally, should be "because it's best for everyone."

The value, more often in the real world is "so i can have friends and keep jobs."

It's still a value.

But some people choose an even more selfish and cold value for external self-control:

POWER.

"i
w a n t !"

Who wants power the most? Those who feel they have been powerless. Those who have had so much done to them beyond their control.

People with BPD naturally seek connection to and with other human beings. They also defensively seek control. Control over the interactions with others and the perceptions of them by others. If the satisfaction of the human connection eases the fears that demand control, these people can move towards a much better life.

A better path than those who get no satisfaction at all from connection to other human beings.

Anti-social personality disorders. That's what we're talking about. Personalities that work against the collective good and which tear apart the fabric of society and human connection.

When the only motivation left for someone with BPD is to seek power and control over everything and anything... they have stepped into sociopathy.

When the politics of the current Diagnostics and Statistics Manual of psychiatric disorders dictate obedience and subservience to certain rules, process and procedure in order for you to pursue your goals, your definitions and your rights, who is going to actively fight a system designed to protect itself? The DSM is, itself, a victim of victim mentality. Over extension. Over indulgence. The scientific method is abused this way and so too the "mental health system."

So, to repeat myself: i reduce the great, grand DSM down to what it really is: politics. i say a redundant "fuck you" to the DSM and i continue with my questions to you:

Is there a way back from the brink for a sociopath?

Should energy and time be spent seeking it?

Do sociopaths deserve that effort?

Is there a point at which we stop defining a sociopath as a victim and start defining them as nothing more or better than a weapon gone out of control?

Do you murder murderers?

If yes, do you execute sociopaths for the deeper, wider-ranging and longer lasting toxic effects they have on entire social structures?

You try to filter "criminals" out of society, but what do you do about the anti-social people who have no interest in society or who actively seek to control and manipulate it? Do you try to filter them out of society?

Most likely you don't even notice them.

Some of you might be becoming one of them right now... growing harder, colder, more selfish, more power-hungry, more obsessed with control and "having it YOUR WAY."

Maybe you're already one of them, looking at my blog and telling me how insufferable i am. Labeling my few supporters as "goons" and giving them other labels that essentially suggest i am a cult leader and they my mindless followers. i call bullshit on you. You're insecure. You couldn't express what you felt when you felt these things. That's when you choose to vote for charity to known sociopaths: you chose to protect your own interests. So you lash out at those who look familiar. Familiar as victims and victimizers.

Yourself.

You the victim and you the victimizer.

Psychopathy and Antisocial Personality Disorder: A Case of Diagnostic Confusion

Regarding: something published and apparently ignored since February 1, 1996
Psychiatric Times. Vol. 13 No. 2: http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/display/article/10168/54831

"Written by Robert D. Hare, Ph.D. Dr. Hare, who has researched psychopathy for more than 25 years, is a professor of psychology at the University of British Columbia, and was scientific director of a 1995 NATO Advanced Study Institute on Psychopathic Behavior."

i wanted to introduce the topic of Sociopathy vs. Psychopathy into the materials present in Dr. Robert Hare's writing (both his articles found on the web, such as http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/p960239.html and his own website and writings in print).

His article at http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/p960239.html is near excellent in defining some very vital reasoning on why confusion of ASPD and Psychopathy is a terrible problem. Yet, i see a terrible problem in the lack of mention of Sociopathy.

The DSM not only lumps ASPD with Psychopathy, but also does the same with Sociopathy. Sociopathy and Psychopathy ARE Anti Social Personality Disorders. More so, they DIFFER in perceptually small yet effectively VAST ways.

i was very excited to find the book "The Sociopath Next Door" by Dr. Martha Stout. i was confused when a friend read the book and found it lacking my own personal differentiation between sociopathy and psychopathy. i examined the parts she cited and felt she was indeed correct. i had lead her to a book that does not go where i thought it did and where i have been going very frequently in my attempts to educate others.

i have since located some web-based material called "The Psychopath Next Door" which is reportedly Martha Stout's website (which looks outdated and does not indicate her name). The information on this page seems VERY similar to her book. It occurred to me that the process of formalizing her writing on the topic had forced her to change from the subject of Psychopathy to Sociopathy because the people she was writing about were not murderers, cult leaders or other such common psychopathic actions. It is fortunate that she changed terms before publishing the book, but unfortunate that it does not do near as well a job as my own talks with people to define the difference between the two labels.

Most importantly, i think it is VITAL that all of this information be brought back into public discussion, form part of whatever processes involved in producing the next (unfortunately biblically followed) DSM edition, and CLARIFIED to eliminate the confusion that is growing more and more rampant.

i have a personal motivator here. i was harassed, intimidated and abused by several sociopaths. To my knowledge, they are not psychopaths. Their ASPD stops at the point where they attempt to preserve their social status and maintain their adherence to the majority of laws and social rules that would have them filtered out of society, should they break those rules and laws. i have no interest in "protecting" these people in any way (i would love to see sociopaths filtered out of society just as psychopaths tend to filter themselves out after committing crimes), but i DO see a neurological connection to two neurological/psychiatric items that do NOT deserve to be lumped into the same category as psychopaths:

1. Borderline Personality Disorder. This is largely a defensive mechanism of the human mind in response to extensive and intolerable amounts of mental (and often physical) abuse. Most typically observed in females from teenage to about 35, is the claim of much material on BPD. Noted is the "mysterious growing out of it" effect that i have read about in several published materials on BPD. i find this irresponsible and i "see" what is likely happening: BPD leads to sociopathy, if not treated, cared for or otherwise halted in its tracks.
   
   
2. BPD appears to be a VERY common comorbidity of autistic neurology in the later years (between teens and mid 30s).

You see the process i am illustrating?

High Functioning Autistic neurology leads to much social (and often physical abuse) through the "growth years" and the comorbid condition of BPD establishes a strong hold to preserve the mental integrity of the individual. A worst case scenario leads to the terminal point of BPD transitioning into Sociopathy.

In case you cannot predetermine my personal bias here, i am autistic.

My autism spectrum label would most likely be Asperger's Syndrome, but the longer i continue to combat "the system" as an individual, and combat sociopaths and "professionals," the more i am forced to wonder if i am something slightly higher functioning than the high functioning AS individual. My self awareness and intelligence has made me feel rather alienated by those AS persons i have encountered in AS communities and the "professionals" refuse to recognize me as BEING on the autism spectrum (because apparently they do not grasp that austistic children eventually GROW UP with or without a diagnosis). i did not have a diagnosis of anything until about a year ago when i pursued the diagnosis of AS through independent research and a rough time locating professionals who could see beyond their traditionally myopic perspective of only working with children.

AS, and autism in general, has many features that are similar to the criteria for ASPDs and many are perceived to BE antisocial. Worse, it seems to me, from my own personal research and experience, autistic neurology is a potential catalyst for becoming an antisocial person, a "Borderliner," Sociopath or psychopath. The determining factors seem to be nurture (positive or negative) and self awareness (though that lucidity of self awareness is questionable in terms of how it comes about and whether it can be taught or learned).

My point: Sociopaths are more dangerous than psychopaths. They do not get filtered out of society because, as many have stated, the "dog eat dog" aspects of "modern society" seem to encourage it and getting "ahead" in society seems to be enabled by the traits of sociopathy. Also, i know MANY persons with AS and BPD. None of them deserve the mistaken presumption or sloppy and incorrect diagnosis of Sociopathy or Psychopathy.

The DSM needs to be moved drastically into a "spectral" format instead of solid on and off bipolar determination. i am hoping that interaction from people such as myself with people such as the professionals "in the business" (especially those who are authoring books and being read by other professionals and students of the topics he presents) will eventually lead to a healthier DSM and better diagnostic results from the "professionals" who use the DSM as the end-all be-all bible of "mental health."

The mind is the brain. The brain is the mind. Knowing how it works, and why it works in the ways it does, is the best route to a healthier human species and human societies.

Thank you for reading this rather long message. i would like to send a copy to Dr. Robert Hare, but the website indicates a postal address only for personal correspondence. i hope that this message is a little of both; please do forward this message to him if that is possible. Otherwise, i will have to use the postal service.

-jace cavacini
dysamoria (at) dysamoria dot com
http://dysamoria.com

"i'm relieved ..."

in reference to me not wanting to have anything to do with my father any longer.

but, he got to put me in a 304 situation. this ignorant asshole who knows nothing about the system tells me that i just had to get out of there instead of getting to the core of the problem... you don't get to the core of anything but following orders from staff and doctors about taking medication on time, as prescribed, despite your "real" doctors or what YOU know about YOU, no matter how old or young you are, and no matter how educated or ignorant you are.

i was one of the most educated people there... well... actually i was one of the least EDUCATED, yet more than two other patients told me that i gave them more clear information than any staff or doctor and that i seemed extremely intelligent.

but who does this asshole of a "father" listen to? does he listen to his son, who has explained the system to him several times? no. he listened to: "the professionals."

i hate my father.

he thinks it's great to have me out of the family.

so what THE FUCK is the reason why i was 304ed after NOT killing myself and solving my own problem? i could have been out of his list of self imposed problems (money, anxiety) for years if he'd just accept my RIGHT to DIE.

but then, it's not LEGAL to die by your own hand in this society is it?

someone call crisis on my father. he needs a ride through the system so he can "get to the bottom of the problem."

610-791-3188
610-703-9887

i could destroy his career like jefferson destroyed mine. but i have impulse control. i think about things. and i think THIS would be far more educational and constructive.

you want to know the story of my life in relation to my father?

PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH

i was an autistic child.

his way of teaching bicycle is to tell you to do it and then get mad and walk away when you get frustrated with him and the bicycle. me. my sister. same with math. "You don't speak English? That's ok, I'LL TALK LOUDER AT YOU AND POINT AT THINGS VIOLENTLY! PROBLEM SOLVED!!"

MONEY. That's all that matters to him. That's all that matters to his parents. That's all that matters to the whole fucking family. Work, get married, have children, work to raise your children, get to an old age spoiling as many grand/great grand children as you can before you just... die.

MONEY.

"i'm relieved you want nothing to do with me'" i paraphrase.

"i'm done with you." he said.

My "father" lives in a large, beautiful colonial house with enclosed back porch. You'd think he was someone... "important" ... he might say... IF he had any perspective. He has beautiful land that he thinks he must maintain to some sort of suburban standard. Ridiculous. Does he enjoy it?

i asked that question of the two of them repeatedly and they didn't even comprehend the question without me explaining it.

They want to sell it and buy a condo.

makes me want to fucking puke.

i hate my life, but that was my home and they want to trade it in for a fucking condo?

a $400,000 (more??) home and they want to trade it in for a motherfucking condo??

un.real

i've been told to write a book. If i live long enough, and some editor can remove enough material and still have the publisher go ahead, maybe then... someone might fucking get it.

But probably not because people don't really read much. THEY SEE BIG WORDS AND LOOK AT SHOCKING PICTURES AND WATCH FOX NEWS AND TALK ABOUT KILLING TOWELHEADS. They don't think or read.

i hate being here.

do you mean it?

people have a lot of trouble- nowait- problems with that concept.

you're allowed to change your mind about wanting fries with that, but not about throwing away $300 worth of plane tickets because "i changed my mind" and the equivocal "i didn't mean it, or i don't mean it any more." More precisely, "i never said anything that wasn't emotionally valid at the time." [corrected]

oh, great murder defense, there Elise Brown.

"Elise Brown for [government office]! You think that dude with the frankenstein monster head was a waffler... WHOAH BOY!!"

you get to change your mind about what today's wardrobe is going to be, not about how much you care about someone after telling them all kinds of promises. you don't get to ignore them, then make them tiny because you fucked something up on your end and can't own up to it.

do i mean what i say? most of the time, yeah. i'm compulsively-honest. if not, i have to play a role. i can't play roles with people i know for very long. do i mean it when i talk about being dead? do people mean it when they wish George W were dead? somehow it's illegal to actually voice either, but you know people mean it, even if they don't say it. just like i've learned to find out what people are saying when they're not talking, or what they're saying underneath their false talk. underneath their lies and their body language.

i see so much you will never even consider.

when you lie, cheat, steal, backstab, redirect, revise, "forget" and all those other things you so-called "normal" people do all day, every day, all week, every week of the month, all the months of the year.

you're liars. in one way or another, you're liars. when i lie, i tell about it and apologize. when YOU lie, you cover it up.

COWARD.

i mean it.

dicks and pussies. that's all that matters in this world. "i saw yer dick on duh innernet."

and don't forget jenni's gianormously hugestroisities call BOOBIES.

titties.

them too.

this is the only part of this blog entry you understand isn't it?

the law is senseless and should not be followed

putting a gun, or a hammer, or whatever, or swallowing pills, or sitting in a car for 1.5 hours gets the result of:

a gun to your head.

forced medication.

malpractice.

BUT WHO THE FUCK CARES???
Not MY parents!!!!!
FUCK THEM........

and another thing, stay out of my life. don't leave comments unless it's necessary. access to other human beings only means suffering for me. i'd rather suffer silence and the noise in my head than the cruelty of human nature and HUMAN WILLING FUCKING IGNORANCE.

does this make any sense? you can't KILL YOURSELF. BUT THEY CAN KILL YOU!!!!!!!

if you're against suicide FUCK YOU

for jefferson

everything i touched, you broke

i admitted my admiration for you
and you broke it by taking advantage

i admitted my AS to you
and you used it as a weapon against me

i trusted you to be a friend, as you claimed to be
and you broke it into a billion little fragments of hate

i can't even email to the university
because you've poisoned me so
that my words became uncontrolled

OR your infestation of IT worked
and they did as you PRESCRIBED

everything i touched, you broke

my clients
my work
me relationships
my career

everything i touched, you broke

you're so
insecure
so afraid
so small
ignorant

controlling,
or trying to be
and failing

control

over your life
your employees
your supervisors
"human resources"
(sociopaths of a kind
you could only DREAM of being)

your wife
whom you live off of

crushing her will
to speak in public
to do anything which
you disapprove

i hope she sees you;
rotten to the core

i hope she leaves you
to drink at the television
to a downward and
deathly spiral, just
just as you deserve

the world didn't do this to you
you did this to the world
and it reciprocated.
...and you blame it for that.
fool.

your not worth the suffering
yet everything you touch, you brake.

a Haiku-OS blast from the past

thanks to the wayback machine, i have resurrected this from my days as a BeOS/Haiku and Computer Industry Crusader... the problem with crusading is that people lose sight of the goal and become blinded to the morality of their words and actions. so i posted this on ZetaNews (formerly BeNews, i think) - this was my old life:

Hi! Yes, that's the new picture of me. So next time we all go to WalterCon, you can recognize me. (by that time, I'll have long hair again or be bald, by my luck). Anyway, this article was written mostly in note format. It's dull, long and boring. I wrote notes as often as I could and then filled in proper linguistics and sentence structure to make a story out of it. Mostly... So, now that you know I'm not proud of it... Enjoy!

Day Zero:

So, here I am, in the airport, waiting for the first outgoing flight to board the plane, writing the beginning of this article, not knowing if it will survive the journey. You see, I am writing this on my Newton. Newton? Why not a laptop? I don't have one of those. Palm? Yes, I have one of those. But, the Newton screen is much bigger. Plus, its cool. Oh yeah, the other reason is that my Palm Pilot was killed by airport x-ray about an hour ago. (insert swearing here) I don’t know why. Maybe the flash memory chip which holds the OS was fried. Luckily, my Newton, borrowed digital camera, and borrowed video camera still function. I was under the impression that this kind of thing was an urban legend. Not true, sad to say. So anyway... thus begins the tale of how I went to the first WalterCon. Hopefully the tale will be happier from here on.

My two flights were over (yes, two flights). I spent many hours of waiting; flying from PA to OH took two planes and more time in the airport than on the planes themselves. I was finally leaving the airport, seeking a shuttle bus to the Holiday Inn where WalterCon was to be held... where I would be able to get some SLEEP! I was many hours early for WalterCon because I had to fly out on Friday night just to get there on time for a 9am start. I had been up since 6am and it was after midnight. I managed to ride the same shuttle bus as my flight crew. Small world. Late night. And then.... I slept.

If you need a sign that says "The Real Article Starts Here", this is it:

"An experience worth remembering"

Day One:

Day one came along, bright and early. I awoke at 8am to the sound of beeping. I did my morning ritual (making myself fresh smelling enough for the public). Oops... Should have gotten up earlier to eat breakfast. Oh well...

When I walked into the conference room, I was greeted by Michael Phipps. It seems that no one was as expected. Michael envisioned me as a blond surfer guy (I'm a dark Italianish plain guy). The image of me on ZetaNews.com is super old (I have short hair now - check it out in my new retro photo). I envisioned Michael as... um... Come to think of it... I had no idea. I was surprised, none the less. Michael's articles and emails left me with an impression that might have easily been a man who was my size, with a business suit and haircut. All professional and calm. In reality, he's a big guy with (what I will call) a military cut of reddish hair, full of life and quick wit. In fact, this story will have more than a few of his one liners in it (maybe). You may have seen some of them on other news sites already (they were being posted in an almost real time manner from those fine folks in the back of the room, often referred to as "the trouble makers").

Michael made some opening statements which involved forward thinking perspectives, some comparisons to Apple's John Scully's forward looking statements (which were amusing as he was fired prior to the point he predicted, as was the Newton, I might add) and then asked the question "What are computers really for??"

Michael summed up the point of computers, in his forward looking eyes: Less math, more function. Future media. Useful technology. Then he asked "How does $NEWNAME become a part of that?" ("$NEWNAME" was his way of keeping "Haiku" for later).

One of the greatest features of BeOS and "$NEWNAME" is queries. Queries allow users to organize things the way they choose to, not how Redmond chooses (or Linus or Steve, etc). "$NEWNAME" is fast, small, stable and secure. And many of the other things we BeOS users have accosted our non-BeOS-using humans with.

Michael made a good point that the community needs to actively contribute to the goals "because Axel can only do so much!" (despite the rumors to the contrary, Axel is just a mere human - a superior human, it seems, but still merely a human!). Michael asked "Why did Be fail?" His answer: "The community waited for them to do it all." The moral: make this OS what you need it to be. Contribute. Communicate. Get involved.

Michael then went on to share his perspective that OBOS is user-based, not server based. That we need graphical development tools (RAD?) so that more developers can be brought into the community and to make development progress faster and easier (for people like me, even!).

Then came the moment that everyone had been waiting for. The moment for which all had come to this gathering. The announcement!

Michael held up one of the new shirts. The back of the shirt sports a "WalterCon 2004: Be there or be troutslapped" design on the back, which was the side currently in view (I bet my English teachers never thought I’d spend a few minutes trying to decide if “troutslapped” was one word or two).

Perfect. Great design. Hopefully this design will be used for future WalterCons. Then he stalled a bit... He made a movement as if to turn the shirt around and then stopped just short "Wait a minute..." But enough was enough. Michael flipped the shirt around and announced it. OpenBeOS is now known as...



Check out that new logo, folks!

Wait... here it is again:



I think this is pretty cool and I'm happy with it. And so will you be!

A round of applause went up for the new name. It seemed that everyone was either delighted or accepted the name in stride. Within minutes, nay, seconds, there were reports of good and bad reactions on BeShare and news sites. Those boys are FAST! Were I “cutting edge” instead of “retro,” I might have brought the new name news to ZetaNews.com the very hour it was announced.

Michael distributed the shirts to the crowd. "...And thus began the great shirt toss," said I. I noticed that I was the only "small" in the whole set...

About the name, Michael told us that "Haiku" was indeed found to be at least the second or third choice for almost all of those who voted on the new name (and, yes, yours truly had it as his second or third - I really wanted "Firefly"). The new logo was designed by Stubear of the project's Creative Design Team. And a mighty fine design it is indeed. Then Michael made his next grand action: he went away and changed from his old beat up and faded (yellowed, eeew) BeOS shirt into his brand new Haiku shirt to sort of christen the event (no bashing of champagne bottles today). It was done. The people of the future will forever remember this moment (or, at least the people of the Haiku community who happened to be there, and you, since you're reading this tale).

And then came the unveiling of the new web site. Or, rather, the annoying not-unveiling of the new web site. www.haiku-os.org was unavailable. It appeared there were problems with the server, of all possible days to happen (Michael lamented that he'd been using it for weeks and it had to die NOW!). Haiku Inc. is the non-profit organization name and www.haiku-os.org is the domain. Why not www.haiku.org? Domain squatter. They attempted to contact the squatter without luck. Go for it, community.

Next:
Simon Gauvin's presentation on beunited.org.

Simon came up to the front of the room to do his presentation. "How many people here are from beunited.org?" He asked for a show of hands. He registered a surprised face at me; I didn't meet his expectation (that old, long haired picture again). He presented a list of concepts.

What Haiku is not: Documentation Project, Application Project, Distribution.
What beunited.org is: Standards/documentation. Application development. Distribution. More info about standards, etc. (you can read the beunited.org web site for the details - come on, you know you want to visit the site and learn about it).

Haiku is the frontrunner of all OSBOS projects. Why? It comes the closest to meeting the requirements. It is as compatible with BeOS R5 as one can get. It is open source. It's final goal is binary compatibility with BeOS R5.

Public relations is needed to keep community together and to make an identity in the public for this new OS. We want to fix the chicken and egg problem. Beunited.org's Developer Portal is being worked on, but it will not be released until its ready. It plans to be the "SourceForge for our community." A collection of knowledge. A centralized, unified developer community. Currently, developers have to hunt around all over the net, through forums, archives and BeShare to locate documentation. Or even references to incomplete documentation. The BU Developer Portal seeks to rectify that. To allow new developers to move into development much more rapidly due to a centralized unification of knowledge.

BU Partnership Announcement: beunited.org is partnering with Haiku. Haiku is the exclusive reference platform for standards, development, documentation, and distribution for beunited.org. beunited.org will be making its own distribution, hopefully to be the “defacto standard” distribution, of Haiku. This does not in any way downplay the other OSBOS projects. As mentioned above, the simple fact is that Haiku is the forerunner of OSBOS standards compliance. Where do those standards come from? BeOS R5 and YOU.

Next big news: Java progress! Presented by Bryan Varner.

BeOS AWT (abstract windowing toolkit - wrapper to the OS platforms GUI) is demonstrated. The Java development team gave a presentation on the state of the Java port to BeOS. Many curious things. "Java requires Java to build Java!" exclaimed Bryan Varner about the chicken and egg problem affecting the Java dev project. The most common question that seemed to be asked about the Java for BeOS project was "When can I play my Yahoo games??" This became the joke of the presentation (and all presentations, eventually).

Talking about what works. The AWT initializes. Fully functioning Graphics Environment, Config and device, Btoolkit. Demos of what works with BeOS Java. Demo of javac (compiler). Bryan typed "javac -version" into the command line and pressed enter. A few seconds passed. There were chuckles from the audience as someone said "Yep, it's Java" (the slowness of it). Bryan laughed and defended the tool "But it's still full of debug info!" He compiled and executed a "hello world" program (which said "Hello WalterCon!"). Cheers and applause!

Design goals for AWT:
Use BeOS kits, leverage BeOS graphics and fonts, full workspace support. In general, the BeOS to AWT should be as seamless a user experience as possible. The users should never know that an application is Java.

Bryan showed us bwindows created with Java. (I spare my audience all the technical stuff, that’s not my focus and I couldn't write notes fast enough to get it all down anyway - suffice it to say that Java was used to create bwindows and there was much appreciation from the audience - check out the screen shots on other news sites and rejoice!).

Where to go yet? Need to fully flesh out the AWT, there are heavily stubbed Java2D related classes. Optimizations, bottleneck elimination, etc. BeOS specific classes similar to what MacOSX has would be nice (even though that makes code which uses such things less portable, but, hey, that's the ultimate situation of Java). "How long has the development taken for java?" someone asked. "I'd rather not think about it," said Bryan.

The source code is Sun's. Once complete, Sun will test it for compatibility, compliance, etc. We need to get approval to distribute the implementation of the Java distribution. It will be just a distribution, not source code.

Next: Kit status, Haiku kits "stati"

A few minor classes of app kit not created. Rest are in progress and quite some way along. Game kit code complete. Device kit needs joystick and serial. Kernel kit coming along. Axel checks in lots of stuff (more jokes about the amazing speed of the man). Long way to go. Booting to hard drive was accomplished (don't run out and try to start your own system with it yet, though).

Back to Haiku/BeOS not being a server. It isn't meant to be one. Don't build it like one. Don't treat it like one. Linux is a server and it acts, looks and feels like a server. It was intended to be a server OS. Yet, all kinds of time, effort and money is expended trying to make it an end user desktop OS. Here's where one of Michael's more popular one liners showed up. About Linux being made into a desktop OS: "You can put a pig in a dress but it's still a server."

"We're not a server. Our biggest issue is responsiveness. Is swapping and paging really important to us? What's the simplest design we can have with the most responsiveness? No swapping. No VM. Use the memory!" This might shock some old hands to computer OS engineering. Or maybe remind those folks of the old days before such things (i.e.: Amiga). There would be an optional VM to be enabled for certain needs, but otherwise, Haiku should only use memory. Swapping and paging takes time. Memory is cheep. All this was unshocking to me, as I tend to have my own shocking ideas that line right up with this one. I'm all for it. I'm excited about such things. This feels like forward motion, not more back stepping workarounds of the past.

At this point I wanted to ask Michael about what the plan is for audio and graphics documents larger than the memory size, but I didn't have a chance. Maybe he will read this story and write us his thoughts. I assume this is where the optional VM will come in.

UPDATE:
Sorry, folks (and sorry Michael). My enthusiasm for this idea lead me to misunderstand what Michael was saying. Michael let me know that the new VM idea was in no way promised. It is an idea. In fact, some developers are against the idea. It all depends on how internal conversations go. "The point is more the focus than the implementation." So spread the word... Jace put too heavy an emphasis on that one.

The Mail kit is done! Praise MDR!

One portion of the MIDI kit is left: the softsynth. The current softsynth is dog slow. It might be an option to contact those who created the original BeOS softsynth. Can an arrangement be made?

Networking kit: mostly works.

OpenGL: most frequently asked question: "When is hardware acceleration coming?" It's not. Hardware OpenGL requires ATI, et al to open up their sources to provide access to develop this stuff (card info). Trying to talk to ATI: trying to tell them "We're different. We're willing to do closed source under NDA and maintain APIs consistently." Don't expect this to help, but who knows. Good thing is, MESA works. Yeah, so what. Who cares about software OpenGL, right? It's got to be good for something... Someone suggested "Spinning teapots!"

Storage kit: Tyler Dauwalder: VFS stuff basically done. Big thing left is disk device manager.

Support kit: lots done, lots started and waiting. Not a difficult kit (not astrophysics; a good project for someone intimidated by app server but good at C++).

Translation kit: Done!

Input server: Mostly done. Needs work to be done for input method stuff (non-roman character sets and input methods). Need to do some reverse engineering of other stuff. Be documentation on this stuff is pretty non-existent ("Please contact developer support" ... yeah, thanks, Be).

Drivers: are now pretty close to where Be was or better. Video support is good. Network driver support good.

Tracker: open and working as we all know.

Screensaver kit: Does its thing, but needs some finishing. Michael is the team for that one.

Applications/preferences: StyledEdit, a few others, etc. Public knowledge... check BeBits or Haiku's site.

Media kit: Lots of good code high quality stuff has been done. Playback works, content creation is where the real work is now.

Then came a very important part of the day: Lunch.

Myself and the other beunted.org folks returned late from the Lone Star restaurant. I missed the beginning of DarkWyrm's application design talk, which is something I can't forgive myself for! Good stuff. The man knows his application design and knows that the user is probably the most important thing in software design.

What makes a good design:
Intelligent design, follow logical order, (workflow). Don't obstruct the workflow. Feedback.

How not to write an application: hack. Lose focus on a task. Test only when required (he makes constant use of his apps so that he is also a full time user - Users are not beta testers!). Bolted on features (obviously slopped on features that have no real design necessity).

A list of recommended books:
"The Design of everyday things"
"The Humane Interface"
"The invisible computer"
"About Face 2.0"

Next: Screen saver kit discussion (a walk through parts of the code which I will spare you from, since I took no useful notes and do not fully comprehend as a developer would).

Next: Translation kit explanation. The Translation kit was originally created by Jon Vätte (the same person who created the media kit). It was bought from him by Be Inc., for 10$. He never cashed the check (framed it, I think was the explanation). Haiku's translation kit is the same kit that Watt originally created, plus all the same changes that Be had to make (Haiku had to remake). Michael described how translators do their thing. Look it up in the BeBook, I'm not going to talk about this either here. (Though I'd like to see an example of a text translator - All the open source translators seem to be bitmap type, which I cannot learn from).

UPDATE: Thanks to a comment posted by jonas.kirilla: "The maker of the Translation Kit is not John Watt, but Jon Wätte, of Swedish origin. His nick, H+ or hplus, is a play on the Swedish word for Hydrogen: Väte. (FWIW, Vätte with a plain V means gnome.) I think he worked for the Swedish branch of BULL [French Unix maker?] a long time ago, before his career in the US(?)."

Thanks, Jonas

Next: Storage kit. Tyler Dauwalder. Userland stuff is done. 75% done overall. Prediction for completion relies on kernel stuff and time for development. Disk device manager stuff is what's left mostly. Sessions/partitions. Haiku will have a partition manager system integrated into it. The basics of this are implemented (framework). Have a read-only UDF system now, then later will add a writer, attributes, queries, etc. support, too in UDF (!!)

Next: Device Kit and Input Kit:
Mostly abandoned after PPC stopped being developed. Only contains two classes: Bjoystick and BserialPort. Thin C++ wrappers around drivers. Wrap driver capabilities into easy to access methods for developers. Vast potential in here and in the input server. Accessibility, etc. Bit of a teaser on tomorrow's forward thinking sessions started here with talks about "what could be."

Next: Media kit: Andrew Bachman (who I would have expected to look like Edward Norton, had I ever spoken to him on the phone prior to meeting him): The kit handles reading of media files. Playback. Implemented some media nodes. New features: new audio drivers: AC97, Echo24 (korli), emuxki. Much better multi-channel API. Extended codec support. Future: BmediaFiles (sound preferences), MediaPlayer, subtitle API, more plug-ins, encoding and writing API and plug-ins. Don’t need to restart media server for adding and removing codecs. Kit work maybe 80% complete. Lots of grunt work to do on the codecs. Got into a discussion about licensing issues with codecs, but ultimate solution is to get the actual licenses through the usual methods. The free stuff is the only stuff that has any legal question. Demonstrated the use of subtitles from video playback (showed in terminal for now, but impressive anyway - applause!).

We then did some introductions on video. I think that video might show up on a site or on BeShare... Have to find out for sure... Not super interesting, but I thought they might be useful towards getting to know each other. Then we struggled to pick a place to eat dinner. The "Olive Garden" was chosen but the wait there was 1.5 hours. We settled on a Chinese buffet. Not bad... but not so great, either.

At least the company was good! (and, actually, the iced tea was excellent) Sadly, the table was rammed up against the far wall, so I couldn't get a photo from that angle and I was too hungry to put out the effort to do anything about that.

Day Two:

Day two was a lot of open discussion. What worked and what didn't with this, the first ever, WalterCon? The network connections didn't work too well. DHCP seemed not to work very well for those of us using alternate operating systems. Oh yeah. Duh. Seriously, there were other systems there. I counted at least two installations of Windows XP and at least one Mac laptop (which kind, I have no idea, attractive though it was). Mostly, though, it seemed that everyone was quite satisfied with this event. I believe it was Deej who said (and please excuse me if I misquote) that the event was far more than he expected as he had gone into it expecting little. That's not to characterize Deej as expecting things to suck. He didn't say that. (in other words, folks, don't be reactionary and don't read into things, thank you). Plus, the Holiday Inn was quite nice. The rooms were dark enough to sleep half of the day away (Deej can attest to this) and they were comfortable and clean. The staff was friendly and helpful. I would gladly be a return customer.

Satisfied that everyone was satisfied... We moved on to the brainstorming session. During the brainstorming session, a lot of interesting topics came up. Such as the future architecture of Haiku's kits (including the possibility, or even likelihood, of new kits). While there were moments of "huh?" between attendees, and some general disagreements, the overall atmosphere was courteous (yeah, aside from all the "whatever happens in Columbus, stays in Columbus" risqué humor and puns at the expense of at least everyone at some point). Quite civil, and respectful, all jokes aside (don't get me started on the steel cage). The trouble makers weren't really trouble makers (they just talked amongst themselves out of turn, the clever lads). I don't think I was a trouble maker, though I'm sure I belabored the point several times on some issues. No one seemed elitist or ignorant (and I'm one of two or three non-programmers who attended, so I'm surely in the clueless realm, if not ignorant, about the deep technical issues). I was impressed, overall with the result of the session. It showed that not everyone was thinking along the same paths and that they maybe ought to. It also confirmed that many people were thinking along the same lines already (which is good).

I wasn't going to go into all kinds of detail about the brainstorming session because I figured there would be more than enough WalterCon stories on other web sites that do a fine job of that. Looking around, however, maybe I should go into a little detail. The gist of the session was to consider technologies, customers, applications and differentiators (differentiators that Haiku possesses over the competition and how to indicate them in a non-geek manner so as to be understood by normal people) and how they all might somehow relate and interact (or how to make them relate and interact in our favor on the path towards a more usable and visible OS). There was discussion about vertical markets (specialized markets such as the dental business) and how such a market could allow focused growth and provide income and options that would allow widening the market much easier later on (assuming the foot hold in the vertical market works). We made several jokes and references to Haiku being the Dentistry OS, but I think that most everyone was appreciative of the concept that it might help to find a niche market, identify its needs and really focus on serving that niche better than anyone else does. To be a total solution. Yes, Be Incorporated claimed to be doing just that with media, but maybe "media" is too broad a scope... and was more marketing than truth (not to open old wounds). No decisions were made outright. The closest we had to an argument was also probably the closest thing we had to a decision. Being on track and trying to focus on a forward moving process is that decision. If you want to call it that.

Conclusion (of sorts):

It does seem that the Haiku project is not a bunch of hackers fooling around at their whims as some other open source projects tend to appear (to us ignorant morons on the outside). Haiku seems, to me, to be focused on doing the right things to get us to that first vital stage of Release 1. And we can all thank Axel when we get there. Seriously, there are a lot of smart, skilled and vital people involved. Not just Axel. It's just become inexcusable to not drop the "Axel is a coding demon" joke here and there. I always like hyping up the fact that Andrew Bachmann works for NASA. NASA, for crying out loud. There's more where that comes from. Like the people writing programming languages and those bringing existing popular programming languages to our platform (the team making Java happen are worthy of worship, I say, even if I personally couldn't care less about Java itself). Yes, there are brilliant people all over the place out there in the open source community and Haiku has a bunch of them working to bring us the OS we want to use. I, for one, greatly appreciate their hard work.

If you look at the pictures of me in some of the WalterCon shots, I look depressed and sad. It's because I was dreading the end of the wild ride that was WalterCon. Well, not really. I was really just waiting and wondering if the "break time" would end so that we could get back to the brainstorming or other constructive activities before I had to leave to catch my plane. Though, I was indeed disappointed to have had to leave early and even more dismayed to have missed Elvis at the hotel. Sigh. Can't have it all. Overall, I am very glad to have attended, I don't feel bad about the money I spent to go (hey, I got a nifty t-shirt!) and I recommend the event to anyone who can afford to attend. Not that it's expensive to attend; it's just that it can be costly to travel. I'm sure each yearly WalterCon will be different (and there will be a yearly WalterCon, oh yes, yes...), but I think the whole experience is a great one and is exactly what is needed to help make the community grow closer to each other. And for those of us who don't travel much, like me, it's good to get out there...

I am happy to report that my Newton survived the trip home. After the x-ray wiped out my Palm Pilot, I was terribly anxious that I would also lose my Newton on my second trip through "homeland security." Now I have to figure out what to do with the dead Palm... (update: the Palm is fine. Somehow the batteries were killed and that's all. What a relief! Still lost my data, though...)

I hope this article has been at least amusing to you if not useful.

Now, stop reading this boring article and start contributing to the projects that are out there trying to build the OS you want to use!

But first a few pictures...



More pictures to be found here, thanks to Bryan Varner.

no one learns, and i lose to your ignorance

the repeating dream:
i entrusted the care of my cats to a household of other people.
those i trusted and believed in
when i returned,
no cats. nothing said to me
i had to ask about them
they were dead.
no explanation.
ever.

combined with the dreams about "my other house"
forgotten, abandoned, animals suffering...
where is it???

BRING ME THERE!!!!

this is hell. sleep, stage 5, R.E.M.
hell. most active and restless stage of sleep.

cannot focus
art projects
no rest
unable to
let things go.

"why can't you see that every thing's broken?
why does it seem this life's turned grey?
i can't believe in anything sacred
when i don't believe that i am real."

i am alone
locked in my memories
there's nowhere left for me to hide
but i am not real..."

"... why does it seem that everything's different
and why does it seem that only you are real?
i don't believe in anything sacred
so why do i feel so damned alone-

-i need someone to break the silence
that's screaming in my head
and in my soul."

-- track 4. wither, blister, burn and peal.
-- track 9 is even better.
-- maybe this is the best album they made.
-- you figure out who it is.

i am afraid
i want to live my life, but
fearful of evil abuses
like the 302/304
done by my biological parents...

they've learned NOTHING.

NOTHING

"i'm finding it so hard to hold on"

but there's no out for me, just more

PUNISHMENT

Boy Suffocated During School Punishment

i don't normally post articles from elsewhere but this was too much for me NOT to post it. It might be old news to you, but this belongs in my list of contributions one way or another because this is a crime committed against the weak and the oppressed by the authority and the arrogant oppressors... against a child.

MONTREAL - After nine-year-old Gabriel Poirier was discovered lifeless in his classroom last April 17, his parents were told their autistic son had stopped breathing after hiding under a heavy therapeutic blanket.

Now a coroner has revealed that Gabriel's teachers had tightly wrapped him in the buckwheat-stuffed blanket, leaving only the tips of his ears sticking out, as punishment when he became disruptive. They left him unsupervised in a corner for 20 minutes, returning when a timer sounded.

Gabriel was unconscious and blue in the face. He was rushed to hospital, where he died the following night surrounded by his family.

In a report published yesterday, Coroner Catherine Rudel-Tessier concluded the child suffocated. She said the teachers at the special-needs school in Saint-Jean-sur-Richelieu, Que., failed to follow guidelines for the blankets, which are used commonly to calm autistic children.

"He was only 53 pounds, he was so small," Gilles Poirier, the boy's father said at a news conference yesterday. "How can they wrap him up like that in a 40-pound blanket? How can this treatment be tolerated?"

It can't, or shouldn't be tolerated... but look... it happened, didn't it?

Ms. Rudel-Tessier said proper use of the blanket called for a child to be rolled at most once and for his head to be left uncovered. The blanket was to be used as a relaxation therapy, not as a punishment, and teachers were supposed to keep an eye on children using the blankets.

More ignorant "teachers" with their own rules on human behavior...

"A child rolled 'at least four times' in such a heavy blanket is under restraint," the coroner wrote.

Jean-Pierre Menard, a lawyer representing Gabriel's parents, is calling for changes to legislation to control the use of restraints in schools. The parents are also planning to sue the Hautes-Rivieres school board.

As they should. They should pick every bone from the rotten corpse of that school district.

The coroner said use of the blankets should be ceased until clear guidelines are established. Basic rules would include ensuring the blanket is not too heavy for the child, never covering the child's head, ensuring that vital signs can always be observed, never rolling the child in the blanket and ensuring the child can get out if he wants to.

More importantly, "random" objects should not be used for punishment just because a "teacher" thinks it would be a good idea. Like when [our] parents broke wooden spoons on our rear ends, shoved soap into our mouths and whipped us with belts...

Kathleen Provost, executive director of the Autism Society of Canada, said weighted blankets can be calming for autistic children when used under the guidance of an occupational therapist. "They have a therapeutic use and can be relaxing," she said.

This is true. i am much more comfortable with pressure. i ache to have a bed partner. Not for sex (though that's nice, too). Heavy blankets, NOT the therapeutic one mentioned in this story, have always been a comfort to me, but i must have adequate access to breathing cool air to compensate for the pressure and the temperature build-up.

Mr. Menard said the parents were surprised to learn Gabriel had been placed in the blanket as a punishment. The school board had initially said it was a natural death and that Gabriel had gone under the blanket on his own.

In other words, they lied. Lied lied lied. Gone "under" the blanket is not at all similar to being wrapped more than four times in the thing.

"The principal said they found Gabriel under the blanket and he wasn't breathing. The parents thought that something had happened while he was sleeping and that was how he died," Mr. Menard said. He said the school board later told the media that Gabriel had hidden under the blanket.

In other words, they lied. Lied lied lied.

Mr. Poirier said he cannot understand why his child was placed in a restraint. "He was a very gentle boy," he said. "Sometimes he was loud, but he was never aggressive or violent. I just don't understand how this happened," he said, tears streaming down his face.

ghamilton@nationalpost.com

It happened because there was an arrogant, ignorant fool in power over children who are taught to obey mindlessly. This is a humanitarian crime. This is murder.

the credit, and special thanks, goes to the original author Graeme Hamilton at National Post in Canada.

ASHAMED to be an "American," part one

i want to be dead.
dead dead dead.
kill me kill me kill me.

is that statement going to get me more home invasions and forced medication by ignorant motherfuckers called "the law" and "people who care?" You stupid bastards....

if i had the strength (and money), i would start a legal battle against 201, 302, and 304. Fuck, i don't even know what "law" these sections come from. They are designed to remove your civil rights. How is that a just law?

Our constitution is a pile of lies because it's been amended to uselessness and laws have been created to obfuscate, block and side-step it. The pursuit of life, LIBERTY and HAPPINESS. FUCKING BULLSHIT.

that's all you get

too painful to read it, but, apparently,

not too painful for me to live it.

i'm punished for fighting and punished for trying to die,

even though my suicidal gestures have been only that,

... really.

what i do, never enough - what i've tolerated doesn't count.

my disability means nothing; i don't even have one, cunts.

i've nothing left to give because i've given it all,

yet i'm told to "give", "be", "do", "shut up"

"write a book", "he's manipulative"

faith, self love, trust in jesus

pray, masturbate, wish upon a falling star

humanity, just beasts

the world, nothing & nowhere

fuck, shit, piss.

pointless entry

pointless blog

in the end,

i get nothing,

so i'll give nothing.

repeat

NOTE: this is a repeat, i think.


days, hours
months, or
something

these are the end days
my end days, for your fun
now i will push as far as i can

there's not much left to do
nor give, 'sides my heart,
with its wretched limits, too

so, push
shove
crawl right up in my face

i owe you the blood
the pain
and tears

wasted on you

all my strain was for you
if you care
which you don't

so

suckle right up till the white
becomes red
empty me out, and be fed

these are the end days
of a battle i never embraced
it's your fantasy, to rule or destroy

and you have done to me
the worst of both worlds

so push, crawl, shove,
and with teeth, be sure to chew and injest
infest your distress upon me

these are my end days
closer than i hoped they would be
and oh so much more real, now

but i know i was better than you
oh i know i was much better than most

well...

i know i was much better than you.