how to kill a conversation

tell people your thanksgiving plans are to have an anti-thanksgiving.

the only way they could wrap their heads around it was to remind themselves i'm vegetarian and chock it up to my lack of interest in the traditional foods. i didn't care enough to correct them.

i don't know why anyone even cares about my or anyone else's holiday plans anyway. i don't even care what my best friend's plans are. i'm sure he's doing something with his family. that's all i need to know. i suppose they don't care at all and it's just an excuse to flap the jaws. chewing dry turkey isn't enough exercise.

and then after they are done asking me about my plans, the conversation turns to themselves and what they are doing, and then i slowly remind myself, oh yeah, i guess i was supposed to reciprocate this and ask them what their plans were. . .

i've been doing this all my life. reminding. too late. you'd think i'd have the fucking script memorized by now. . .

i couldn't even care enough to listen and instead withdrew into my own thoughts as i sat beside them like an invisible person. their words invisible to me, my presence invisible to them. it's dissatisfying and yet i prefer it to the inane chatter.

being alone is almost never desirable. it's just more desirable than most options for not being alone.

i used to desire a fix for this. now i don't believe i'd have the energy to employ the fix. if the anxiety disappeared and i knew all the scripts and i could navigate all the social situations with ease. . . I'D BE ABSOLUTELY EXHAUSTED. by all the tedious conversation. or maybe i'd just become proficient in dominating the conversation like every other loudmouth.

just let the world write me off as some self-absorbed sad bastard who was too quirky to connect with and therefore care much about. i'm sick of trying to figure out how to make my way in a world that wasn't designed for me. every job requires fundamental skills i don't possess and never will without great difficulty and stress. i'm just going to be some underemployed piece of shit all my life.

i'm backwards. this is a world full of dependent individuals and i need to be an independent communalist. i don't know where the support is for that and i just can't keep my shit together about it today.

Taking a Break; Please Fill In

It is with effort that I did not title this "I Resign." With the most recent events of researching/dealing with the information about Jace's trials and tribulations among the Monsters of Medicine and the situation with Mike and Heather (no, Mike, no personal assaults here, I want peace)... I feel overwhelmed.

VictoryGrey has been posting things that this blog is about: her life struggles in this antisociety and things that Jace would have found personally meaningful.

There needs to be more. I know that the other members of this blog have complicated lives, but I used to believe in the concept of "Society" and how that was what separated us from chaos. Now I see that we live in anti-society. Chaos through self focus. If this blog means anything to the members, please, please, please contribute. I have in mind the idea of abandoning it, as mentioned before, since it does not seem to attract much more than "Jace Smacking." That's not why it was resurrected to begin with.

Lastly, go see MY blog for a little tale of society.

your math subtracts me

ignore me.

it's familiar.

social network my middle finger.

i could've been someone who didn't give a fuck.

it would've been quicker.

Dysamoria Blog: Change of Ownership

People requested the blog content be put back. The request was considered. Ownership of this blog and the "dysamoria" account was left to others. They'll publish and edit as they see fit. Some content will be purged. An archive of the original blog will post as a zip file in next few weeks, probably. (UPDATE: most personal postings from Jace will be purged and only articles will be kept)

The artwork and writings of Jace Cavacini will be posted in some different form later. Turning this blog back on is the quickest way to start the process. Dysamoria at NowPublic.com also changed ownership.

Jace Cavacini is dead. Those responsible did nothing to help. The blog will continue to post about it at some point. Other posts will be about AS, autism, human rights, health, healthcare, antisocial society, protesting the sickness of the United States of America, politics, social/anthropological and other related topics.

The term "dysamoria" remains valid.

Welcome to antisociety.
Citizens betrayed by their own.

nastiness begets nastiness, etc.

posting removed per request of named individuals.

trash [EDITED]

i get it now
it's merely a matter of convenience
how foolish of me

it's easier to be an asshole
to be selfish
cruel
lie

become "unavailable"

it's easier to be people like [name] and Elise
dana, john, jana, jenni, megan, toshi, jefferson
picus, jenni's sister, mike the heather manipulator

.and.
.so.
.many.
.more.

choose your reality
erase people you think have offended you

but first the setup!
pull them in, or make it appear you're simply letting them in, even more clever...

bring them into the fold
showcase them
talk them up

make them feel special

"i don't see how anyone could ever think you're scum"
"those girls didn't deserve you"
"you're better than them"
"they're just selfish"

over and over and over
the same insincere trash talk.
the same LIES.

take advantage of them
fuck, be fucked
have your yank, get free orgasms
receive your so badly needed validation

have your "friendship"
sex friends
people you're "seeing"
"best friends" you betray

then tear them apart
or ignore them, or tell them off
change parameters without notice,
whatever. just something sudden and cruel.

"terms subject to change without notice.
we are under no obligation to inform you of changes
prior to their execution."

tell your friends they're trash
the friends you were trashing
now you need them again
because you've exchanged hates

found the lesser exposure
realized who sees you least
where you're more hidden
invisible but accepted as a member

the elite club of cool outsiders
insiders, who cares what caste you want
you just want one that takes you in as member
where you can throw out people you don't like

I GET IT NOW.

i can be just like you.
erase you, ignore you.
tell everyone you're trash.

i'm doing it now. wheee!

so fuck you all.
you're all trash.

makeup, clever vocabulary without logical coherence
hiding rotting sores
rotting souls
rot

zombies, trash,
monsters in costumes of worse monsters
for fun and for protection

masks to hide worse masks
portraying something better
something bitter but risky and cool
elite

rot

rot and flutter away with the leaves

waste your time surfing every internet social club
seeking an identity you can't fashion out of reality
look for people to bash in clusters of assholes, jackals
fan the flames, sham the blames and blame the truths

seek out that next perfect man, the good fuck
to bash later when he sees through your makeup

women suck
men suck
people suck
so do their friends

wives
husbands
whoever just does as told
without forming their own opinions based on truth

all of you
thinking you're just fine
better than
in control

trash
every single one

including me
because i can't be YOU.

do you mean it? [EDITED]

[consistency]

people have a lot of trouble- nowait- problems with that concept.

you're allowed to change your mind about wanting fries with that, but not about throwing away $300 worth of plane tickets because "i changed my mind" and the equivocal "i didn't mean it, or i don't mean it any more." More precisely, "i never said anything that wasn't emotionally valid at the time." [real quote, corrected]

oh, great murder defense, there Elise.

you get to change your mind about what today's wardrobe is going to be, not about how much you care about someone after making all kinds of promises. you don't get to ignore them, then make them tiny because you fucked something up on your end and can't own up to it.

i've learned to find out what people are saying when they're not talking, or what they're saying underneath their false talk. underneath their lies and their body language. i see so much you will never even consider.

when you lie, cheat, steal, backstab, redirect, revise, "forget" and all those other things you so-called "normal" people do all day, every day, all week, every week of the month, all the months of the year [, he sees it].

Boy Suffocated During School Punishment

i don't normally post articles from elsewhere but this was too much for me NOT to post it. It might be old news to you, but this belongs in my list of contributions one way or another because this is a crime committed against the weak and the oppressed by the authority and the arrogant oppressors... against a child.

MONTREAL - After nine-year-old Gabriel Poirier was discovered lifeless in his classroom last April 17, his parents were told their autistic son had stopped breathing after hiding under a heavy therapeutic blanket.

Now a coroner has revealed that Gabriel's teachers had tightly wrapped him in the buckwheat-stuffed blanket, leaving only the tips of his ears sticking out, as punishment when he became disruptive. They left him unsupervised in a corner for 20 minutes, returning when a timer sounded.

Gabriel was unconscious and blue in the face. He was rushed to hospital, where he died the following night surrounded by his family.

In a report published yesterday, Coroner Catherine Rudel-Tessier concluded the child suffocated. She said the teachers at the special-needs school in Saint-Jean-sur-Richelieu, Que., failed to follow guidelines for the blankets, which are used commonly to calm autistic children.

"He was only 53 pounds, he was so small," Gilles Poirier, the boy's father said at a news conference yesterday. "How can they wrap him up like that in a 40-pound blanket? How can this treatment be tolerated?"

It can't, or shouldn't be tolerated... but look... it happened, didn't it?

Ms. Rudel-Tessier said proper use of the blanket called for a child to be rolled at most once and for his head to be left uncovered. The blanket was to be used as a relaxation therapy, not as a punishment, and teachers were supposed to keep an eye on children using the blankets.

More ignorant "teachers" with their own rules on human behavior...

"A child rolled 'at least four times' in such a heavy blanket is under restraint," the coroner wrote.

Jean-Pierre Menard, a lawyer representing Gabriel's parents, is calling for changes to legislation to control the use of restraints in schools. The parents are also planning to sue the Hautes-Rivieres school board.

As they should. They should pick every bone from the rotten corpse of that school district.

The coroner said use of the blankets should be ceased until clear guidelines are established. Basic rules would include ensuring the blanket is not too heavy for the child, never covering the child's head, ensuring that vital signs can always be observed, never rolling the child in the blanket and ensuring the child can get out if he wants to.

More importantly, "random" objects should not be used for punishment just because a "teacher" thinks it would be a good idea. Like when [our] parents broke wooden spoons on our rear ends, shoved soap into our mouths and whipped us with belts...

Kathleen Provost, executive director of the Autism Society of Canada, said weighted blankets can be calming for autistic children when used under the guidance of an occupational therapist. "They have a therapeutic use and can be relaxing," she said.

This is true. i am much more comfortable with pressure. i ache to have a bed partner. Not for sex (though that's nice, too). Heavy blankets, NOT the therapeutic one mentioned in this story, have always been a comfort to me, but i must have adequate access to breathing cool air to compensate for the pressure and the temperature build-up.

Mr. Menard said the parents were surprised to learn Gabriel had been placed in the blanket as a punishment. The school board had initially said it was a natural death and that Gabriel had gone under the blanket on his own.

In other words, they lied. Lied lied lied. Gone "under" the blanket is not at all similar to being wrapped more than four times in the thing.

"The principal said they found Gabriel under the blanket and he wasn't breathing. The parents thought that something had happened while he was sleeping and that was how he died," Mr. Menard said. He said the school board later told the media that Gabriel had hidden under the blanket.

In other words, they lied. Lied lied lied.

Mr. Poirier said he cannot understand why his child was placed in a restraint. "He was a very gentle boy," he said. "Sometimes he was loud, but he was never aggressive or violent. I just don't understand how this happened," he said, tears streaming down his face.

ghamilton@nationalpost.com

It happened because there was an arrogant, ignorant fool in power over children who are taught to obey mindlessly. This is a humanitarian crime. This is murder.

the credit, and special thanks, goes to the original author Graeme Hamilton at National Post in Canada.

Punish the Suicidal Instead of Helping Them

UPDATED HERE: NowPublic.com (re-dated for the day i was released from hospitalization prison)

Instead of asking ourselves how we contributed to the choice of self termination (or how we complacently did nothing - how we maybe could have helped prevent it, as a society, in general), let's call them sick and selfish! Let us, in our arrogance and antipathy, rush them along to the end! (Joe calls this the "Feeding Frenzy: people don't kick people WHEN they're down, they kick them BECAUSE they're down.")

What if you have everything that makes you who you are taken from you?What if your every waking and sleeping moment is filled with memories of rejection, harassment, abuse, or never feeling allowed to just plain be a part of society? How fucking righteous would you really be when all you can remember is cold, heartless disinterest or outright cruelty? See what choices YOU make when you have only ONE left that offers relief.

But no, we don't accept suicide as an option. No sir, not in this nation. Suicide is selfish and stupid. Just like abortion is selfish and stupid. Just like being vegetarian is stupid and pointless.

Suicide isn't painless, but maybe more people need to LISTEN TO ACTUAL SUICIDAL PEOPLE; practice EMPATHY! Discover why suicide becomes hope for relief.

fuck it; people still don't even believe in Asperger's Syndrome. Comprehending suicide as freedom is even more difficult to grasp.

disturbed (a "short summary" of what disturbs me about this world)
http://dysamoria.com/blog/2007/12/disturbed.html

"Google" search "suicide" (go to "Read This First")
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=suicide&btnG=Google+Search

Here's a PERFECT excerpt from the above "Read This First" page:

"Start by considering this statement:

“Suicide is not chosen; it happens
when pain exceeds
resources for coping with pain.”

That’s all it’s about. You are not a bad person, or crazy, or weak, or flawed, because you feel suicidal. It doesn’t even mean that you really want to die - it only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now. If I start piling weights on your shoulders, you will eventually collapse if I add enough weights... no matter how much you want to remain standing. Willpower has nothing to do with it. Of course you would cheer yourself up, if you could.

Don’t accept it if someone tells you, “that’s not enough to be suicidal about.” There are many kinds of pain that may lead to suicide. Whether or not the pain is bearable may differ from person to person. What might be bearable to someone else, may not be bearable to you. The point at which the pain becomes unbearable depends on what kinds of coping resources you have. Individuals vary greatly in their capacity to withstand pain.

When pain exceeds pain-coping resources, suicidal feelings are the result. Suicide is neither wrong nor right; it is not a defect of character; it is morally neutral. It is simply an imbalance of pain versus coping resources.

You can survive suicidal feelings if you do either of two things: (1) find a way to reduce your pain, or (2) find a way to increase your coping resources. Both are possible." - © Copyright 1995-2006 Martha Ainsworth. All rights reserved.

1. My reduction of pain, or attempts thereof, have been to seek to understand people better so as to work with them better. i tried my damned hardest to harmonize at work with a sociopath who was impossible to please.

2. My attempts at increasing my coping mechanisms have been through art and other solitary activities. These no longer work because the big issue is isolation and loneliness. So i have sought companionship (from females, in a romantic sense). Somehow, i manage to locate just the right people who say all the right things to me up front... and become someone else later. They blame ME for their changed attitude like the mason blames the stone.

UPDATE 2: from a comment on NowPublic by an editor:

jordan at 10:41 on July 10th, 2008
The Golden Gate Bridge has a suicide-prevention hotline phone on the city-side approach. Sometimes it's out of order!

do you know what it's like to be ignored?

do you know what it DOES to you?

takeout only

i can't ignore the world's demands

but it sure as hell ignores my needs

"so where are all these adults with autism?"

(from the "don't take MY word for it" department)
go read this: http://www.unstrange.com/essay.html

people should read it. if they care about me (or their autistic/potentially autistic children). most adults i willingly interact with are on the spectrum (diagnosis or not). many of my abusers were once only autistic (but sociopathic by the time they got to me).

i most appreciated the article's conclusion:

"We hope Donna's mother is right, that we really are in a better place today, and that when our children become adults they will not be invisible."

i'm invisible. always have been. always will be. you know why? people don't like to listen, read, learn or accept what they do not understand from their own first-hand personal experience. some things have to be learned via textual or spoken word because it requires a lifetime of personal experience otherwise. i don't HAVE a lifetime to give. not any more.

peace so delicate, silence so deadly

i think i just made peace with my neighbor, Dotty. i apologized for my mother's unwarranted phone call. Dotty told me her sister died recently; that she's been in a bad mood, too. Her best friend, she said.

"I've lived here too long to be nasty. I'm not a monster." i said i know. i said i wanted to make peace; she said she wants that too. i wish the same were possible for the other neighbor. but we cannot talk.

we never know each other until we talk. even then...

silence is deadly.

if only we were built as stronger creatures so that we COULD talk when we should.

i, too, am not a monster.

the choice to do nothing is still a choice

... just a reminder of things i've said before on my blog... [ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6... silence]

talk to the hand, they say with loud silence

sharing, publicly, as always...

"you wont get my referral at the autism art show

on the 6th, i will be showing my work (some of the things your people chose to delete when they deleted my two profiles) in the Philadelphia, PA area at an art show for "Autism and the Arts." Because of the way you people treated me, i wont be recommending flickr to anyone there. In fact, i think i will be showcasing flickr staff as being specifically intolerant of people with "differing views, communication, expression... and therefore different neurology."

Your mistake. Shame on you, again. And you still owe me what i paid for. Yahoo may be able to just throw a "talk to the hand" at the BBB, but it is communities that made you what you are and it is communities that you snub, actively, in your intolerant, censor-styled treatment of your own customers. Just because the BBB didn't win me any accommodation from Yahoo does not mean i'm wrong. i don't forget things like this, either.

Don't have a nice day.

quite sincerely,

-jace cavacini

p.s.: if any of you happen to attend this show, just by sheer chance, i'd be more than accommodating if you'd like to discuss things like adults.

p.p.s: yeah, i blocked some of you... the ones i've found offensive. i see Heather Champ has been a real sport and blocked me back. FYI: blocking you was the last thing i could think of doing to give you a sample of your own treatment of your customers. i think Heather missed the point... But then, i expect that since she's part of the problem in regards to the incident with staff Michelle and my accounts being deleted."

yeah, call the cops again, fucking lame

dear ex-girlthings,

you are so fucking ridiculous. call the cops. call the cops. call the cops. makes lots of sense. yeah.


you know how many people have called the cops on me? you know how many times i've had my personal life invaded by so-called concerned people?

when do i get to call the cops?

when do i get someone to advocate for my injuries and fears?


FUCKING NEVER.

Flickr's continued censorship...

Still no response from flickr... surprise surprise... they get's you money, you get's their hand in you face... Makes me feel, yet again, that i am being punished for being compulsively honest and attempting to do the right thing for the community... all naive concepts that seem to be only a part of my stupid and hated autism. flickr neuroracism or sloppiness... either way, flickr = censr.

i know you think i will just go away if you ignore me... but i wont.

i'm still awaiting a response. You still owe me the undeletion of my account or my subscription payment refunded; my subscription does not expire until June 2008.

i am pretty sure that i was deleted because i embarrassed flickr staff, not because it was the proper thing to do or that it was a thoughtful and considered action that is validated by the flickr TOU. Basically, you didn't want others to see how you handled the situation, so you deleted me to avoid embarrassment, not because of anything inappropriate on my part. i have several witnesses who each agree. Plus, the somewhat recent actions of the original assaulting flickr member in his photostream. You know what events i'm talking about. He gets a warning but i got instant deletion without any discussion? Maybe because he did not embarrass staff member Michelle (the one who deletes first and asks questions never)?

i didn't break your rules but the man who did, repeatedly, gets away with his inappropriate behavior. You ARE censors, you are NOT interested in community and you are motivated by selfish behavior. i've observed how flickr staff casually demonstrate their power to censor flickr members at any time simply because they are personally offended. i consider this situation no different.

The following links go to a quite relevant example of flickr censorship and Stewart Butterfield's statements "apologizing" for the "mistake." It also shows flickr staff demonstrating their power over flickr members in a rather inappropriate way...

http://www.flickr.com/help/forum/40074/page3/#reply213196
http://www.flickr.com/help/forum/40074/page3/#reply213262
http://www.flickr.com/help/forum/40074/page3/#reply213293
http://www.flickr.com/help/forum/40074/page3/#reply213315
http://www.flickr.com/help/forum/40074/page3/#reply213272
http://www.flickr.com/help/forum/40074/page3/#reply213335

A member of the autism activism community is doing a seminar this week. i thought it would have been great if he were able to refer his audience of about 80 people to my photostream on YOUR site, but since you deleted me, they're being referred to my site. i suspect that some of them will take notice of flickr censorship when they read my blog and see how flickr treats its paying members.

What a shame you're so short sighted and quick to make examples of people who embarrass you.

This is also proof that Stewart Butterfield's statements in regards to flickr erring on the side of caution before deleting things is a bunch of audience soothing PR, as suggested by his audience...

i didn't start this.


-jace cavacini
deleted flickr subscriber
http://dysamoria.com/blog

open letter to Stewart Butterfield of flickr

read HERE...
.

UPDATE: it was never responded to

reality exposed: i'm not allowed

to make a living, it seems.

10-24-06, after extended absence from work, for a health crisis brought on by toxic people, i attempted to return to work. Cold, inhumane reality dictates that, no matter what people do to hurt me, i still must work to live.

Live to work. Work to live. If i don't earn an income, i lose my home.

Home.
"My house"

Where i live, with only cats as companions. i've no personal life, for reasons made clear in this blog. The house and a job are all i have.

Had?

Apparently, i'm not allowed even that dignity.

Two hours after HR said i was expected to report to work at 8:00am the next day, i am called back to HR... to be told that someone considers me "a danger to certain persons in the library" and that i am now on administrative leave, pending a "second opinion" from the doctor of their own choosing regarding my fitness to return to work.

A danger? Me?

Reality Check:
Anyone who actually knows me, has seen me care for animals, plants, and the things people go "ew!" at. They would laugh... were this laughable. Honestly, torn between bashing my skull into cement and laughing it right off my shoulders, i instead laid in the grass of my back yard (while i have one), taking photos of the extremely short life-cycle of a tiny plant i've never seen before (see photo at flickr).

Come again?
Me?
Dangerous?

Clearly to someone's frighteningly pathological ego. Someone who can't let go of an irrational crusade to discredit and destroy me in as public a way as possible. Yes, i used last names on my blog. You've heard the phrase "you know who you are..." but the truth is, they don't. They are content to pretend and distort reality to what suits them. Not to mention, i was professional about the whole situation at work, telling no one, protecting the unity of the department... at my expense.

They came. The talkers. They asked. They poked and prodded. They knew. i said nothing. Well... i said things... things to protect my supervisor jefferson. Explain him. Rationalize him. Taking it on my shoulders.

Alone.

Reality Check:
If you know who and what i'm talking about in any of these work-related blogs, you work there and are likely one of the people who already know. You're probably one of the gossip spreaders who came to me trying to find out what was going on... or you're one of the culprits, such as jefferson, devlin, et al.

But for those who are intellectually capable of it,
Step outside yourself a moment and be realistic:

Outside the context of the workplace, the things i write here mean nothing to anyone. Just generic names and the exposure of my wounds. The people at work already know. It's hard not to notice and gossip about such juicy topics. The pegster moved me into another department without consultation or explanation... to anyone. It was left to ME to choose what to say when people, rightfully, asked me in surprise "why are you HERE now?" devlin even told me up front that it was my choice to say what i wanted. So i chose to be diplomatic for as long as possible. Until i heard that jefferson was continuing his defamation crusade against me.

But this is a god damned BLOG!

And i am JUSTIFIABLY ANGRY at the abuse i've suffered at the hands of people who said "i care," "i'm your friend," and "trust me."

People of authority.

This blog is my expression of the wounds people ignore because they can't SEE them. Anyone who actually spent the time to know me and understand what's really here would GET that pretty clearly.

However, and as i learned statistically, people don't think so much as respond to stimuli. At best, the average person reads 60% of the material in front of them and draws conclusions to fill in the gaps. Or the just don't retain fucking shit. Go ahead, look it up. Do some of your own god fucking work for a change. Why do i have to be the only scientist around here? (oh yeah, because you're ignorant and that's in your best interests)

Hey, another reality check:

Does no one else vent their issues in public? How many fucking public blogs are there on the stupid Internet where people are doing exactly the same? If you're at all educated about the first amendment rights to freedom of speech, so long as you do not defame or threaten, you're pretty much good to go.

AND

Does no one else swear and call people "bad words" in anger or disbelief?
Does no one else FEEL PAIN?

I vent about it here, on this blog. Even then, i didn't talk about work issues until i had already been driven out of the building, in tears, for the second time by jefferson's verbal abuse.

He talked about me to anyone he could, even after they asked him, or instructed him, to stop. That's IN context. AT WORK. To co-workers. To our boss. EVEN TO CLIENTS. To people who had no reason or need to know that i was in disfavour with my own supervisor.

FOR FUCK'S SAKE, ASK THEM!

Hell, the things said about me range from being unimportant and childish complaints ("he sure dresses like a kid, doesn't he?") all the way up to very specific and OUTLANDISHLY INCORRECT statements about my work ethic. Something i never once did. i've no need for hyperbole. The truth is worse, and creepier, than any fiction i could script. i'm a much better and clearer technical writer than fictional writer. Ask my family and friends and compare to my clients at work and to the LTC documents that are STILL largely MY OWN WORK being claimed by jefferson.

Does no one wonder why two months passed between me posting a desperately defeated blog entry and [the] revelation [from hr] of a "notice to campus safety?" The very day i attempted to return to work, i am talked to about it... three hours after Picus told me to report for work the next morning.

The day i dared return to my job (whatever that is - six months working without title or job description), so that i could try to save some part of my life not taken from me by toxic and sociopathic people.

Did "certain persons" chose [that day] to contact campus safety (who contacted HR) or... is it possible that HR was unaware of this "statement" to campus safety until two hours after they instructed me to report for work at my original start time the next day? i asked point blank. Picus claimed that they had the information since before i left on my leave.

Ok Ms. Boss Lady: why'd you sit on it all this time? Just to keep one more bullet to surprise me with, knowing that it would drive me back into instability after FIGHTING MY FUCKING BEST TO BE WHAT YOU FUCKING HEARTLESS MANAGERS WANT ME TO BE... right??

The guesses on who made the "threat that i was a threat" is pathetically narrow. Everyone who had a brain between their eyes and ears knows who the likely game player is. Likely the same person who bragged to a former faculty member he appeared to me to be flirting with "i actually enjoy playing all the politics here."

If i were a betting man (my luck sucks), my money (what money?) would be on the same person who violated his much praised "chain of command" (which he violates to suit his own interests, such as when he complained to HR about me; He totally overstepped his boss. (my first clue that the dean was just like him the way she reacted to jefferson's act of going over her head)

His violation of chain of command wasn't isolated to that day, either, but i guess these rules only apply to people that aren't him.

Why is it that all of my statements about harassment, bullying, threatening and other illegal acts taken against me have so far been responded to with the escape clauses of "no documentation" or "statute of limitations?" People of authority were informed about "the situation" a long time ago (your 18 months, Picus, of the HR kingdom)... yet nothing was done except the breaking of more promises and the delivery of betrayal, at my expense (e.g.: devlin, who actually put her arms around my shoulder and said something like "stick with me, kid, things will be just fine from here on out)

Statute of limitations?

Of course time transpired between the assaults and when i finally make complaints; i was lied to and stalled. i was discouraged from talking. i was naive. i was a puppet. Those words didn't originate with me. To this day, i can count more than ten individuals who have independently reassured me that i was not the problem. People expressed disapproval of the actions of "certain persons." At least two of these people made independent complaints to the pegster, regarding how they were treated by my supervisor (which then became my responsibility to deal with properly). This is something jefferson was unable to say about me when pressed for a direct explanation for his declarations of me "driving clients away," on January 3rd of [2006] (my sarcasm: welcome back to work, here's my list of mind-bendingly unbelievable and unkind complaints about you... because, not sarcasm: quote: "your work is good, but your attitude sucks").

Pal, the complaints made are about YOU. They always have been.

Staff and faculty have both, numerously expressed extreme displeasure at the way jefferson treated them. Disabled faculty, strong willed faculty, faculty and staff that i got along with very well and developed work-friendships with, etc.

Oh yes, jefferson was very keen on establishing his reality distortion field in regards to the clients that i got along with very well, who did not like him because they could smell his insincerity and crocodile grin.

Apparently i'm still naive, because here i am talking about it, hoping that there are a few human beings out there who are more than stimulus-response mechanisms. Human beings who will take a moment to look at cause and effect, ask questions, look at the CONTENT of this blog, and my website, AS A WHOLE, instead of building the rhetorical mountain out of a molehill or just going

"ew!"

Honesty, sincerity and openness, qualities praised to my face, are always a curse damning me behind my back. i don't have any other way to function. This is how i was made. i am compulsively honest. As much as i want to be a raving asshole, i can't.

i was even open about my disabilities with my bosses. High Functioning Autism named Asperger's Syndrome. They turned it around and used it against me, To quote jefferson, overheard in an open room "There's personality issues there that i'm not at liberty to discuss." Oh, you're not? Why did you JUST DO IT RIGHT THE FUCK THEN? The usual evasive implication-without-explanation-or-proof language used when talking about me. Bash the autistic "boy" but claim vague and unreasonable complaints instead of being direct. Why? There's nothing to be direct about. Nothing to "expose."

All the hoohaa, burning red face of hate (now THAT's something that scares ME!!) and mountain to molehill hyperbole... trying to make the outside world match the one in hes head... This blog's been here all this time and all "they" had to say was "he's not talking about me..."

Why, then, did it suddenly matter when i dared return to work?

Do i respond with my admission that he fuckin' scares me?

His silences and faces of hate and contempt are far more frightening to me than any clearly voiced and demonstrated hostility ever was (and i've been bullied outright, not just this invisible and "LEGAL" psychological abuse... the violent bullies never had me fearing for my life but this man does).

With ME, you KNOW what you have. i TELL you. With HIM, who knows. The silence, the red faces, the avoidance of eye contact, the rigid body language, locked jaw, the grotesque tugging at the skin on his throat, twisting and rotating of his head and neck. The "i'm pissed off but i refuse to admit it" way he says "that's fine" between clenched teeth when it's clearly NOT fine for him but he is being smart enough to wait until outside the dean's office to badmouth her and myself. How about the way he tries to be pleasantly social to ANYONE OTHER THAN HIS TARGET OF DISPLEASURE, the gossip to anyone who hasn't yet made it clear to him that they're not interested... and even then.

Who's scared? The "kid" who cares for bugs and cats, has been told he's not assertive or aggressive enough, allows himself to be bullied into tears by his boss, at work, twice, without standing up for himself... or the conservatively dressed, age and gender discriminatory military man who trumpets and praises concepts such as "chain of command", "send your kid to military school, that'll straighten him out" and has demonstrated a distaste for human emotions? (to quote Martha Stout, observing a sociopath under and fMRI shows that a sociopath has to work on emotional tasks like you and i work on algebraic formulas).

Am i the only one who thinks it's unethical and inhumane to criticize a person for crying (silently, not around clients) after experiencing life-shattering losses? Am i the only one who finds it strangely odd, selfish and mechanical of someone that "talk to you because i care" is carried out as a self-focused "woah is me" tirade about how shitty his life has been ever since this and that terrible thing happened at a young age... instead of actually talking about the issue at hand (manufactured by his tirade of cruel personal attacks and unsubstantiated claims of how the "sucky attitude" drives clients away).

Am i the only one who finds it unsettling to see how the man rushes to and fro with that "i'm busy busy busy, watch how fast i'm walking" red faced, jaw grinding look on his face when angry or when a student collapses and starts crying in another department (why does anger and someone else's display of emotions get the same reaction? read Martha Stout's book, it's in the main collection)? Why am i alone in thinking it was unethical to complain about a female student "showing skin" only in a situation that involved an overweight person? There were never any complaints about Meg or Jamie's lovely midrifts showing when they bent over a table. i had to suggest that we might get in trouble with the office of social equity for singling out the overweight girl, who's exposure was a one time, accidental incident involving not fitting into a char so well?

When the pegster carried out her final solution, i had flashes of fear that, one night, leaving work late (which never was mentioned... just my five to ten minute late arrivals)... i was afraid that his seething rage would come out at me in a physically violent attack outside the building whilst i walked to my car. A faculty member, a mere two months ago, told me that he wondered if my ex-boss was going to "bring a bat to work and just go nuts."

Hey, Mr. Flatley, it might have helped me keep my job and sanity if you'd have shared THAT with campus safety and HR.

Oh yeah, statute of limitations. Forgot about MY fears.

Things don't matter if they're "old" ... unless they're things that other people don't like that i've done. Then, for some reason, they matter. It sure is a good thing that it's not illegal to bully and psychologically manipulate those around you (quoting Sharon Picus, "Bullying isn't illegal" ... but then again, she thinks that i can get unemployment benefits because of my disability... where the hell does she get that ignorant crap from?) HR just ignores shat management does. They would have a lot of work to do in this unhealthy place. Anyone remember Sandra Allen's great letter to the library about how things REALLY are? i could say "me too" about every sentence.

Any wonder why the environment is unhealthy?

Here's why: No one takes responsibility for the things that the LAW (or the much lauded but toothless union) doesn't FORCE them to be responsible for. To quote "China Town:"

"As little as possible."

Yes, the cold hard facts.

Such as:

- i have NEVER threatened ANYONE on my blog or elsewhere.

Worth saying again:

- i've NEVER made threats of violence, directly or implied, to anyone. Not here, not there.

- To my knowledge, i have never caused discomfort or complaints with my behavior around clients at work.

-jefferson DID and DOES cause discomfort and complications with his behavior around clients at work.

- i did not involve my clients with the political conflicts in the workplace. Those who know about the conflicts only knew because they themselves had been treated to the same unprofessional handling as myself, or were trying to sniff out the problems that were stinking up the place despite the whitewash.

- this is a FUCKING blog, on the internet, for crying out loud; it is clearly an expression of my feelings, opinions and personal experiences (good included with bad, take a look). My statements are based on my own personal experiences and observations.

- if jeffy can get away with "i disagree with jace's perspective" as his ONLY response to the near hour long list of his actions in front of the dean, his chair, the responsibility avoiding Dennis of HR, why the FUCK can't i have the same latitude instead of being threatened by Picus, on behalf of jefferson's need to be superior.

- i have taken care not to expose "sensitive details" of workplace people's personal lives that they shared with me about their own "issues" (you know who you are and what i refer to), even though the same courtesy was NOT extended to me by said persons as they used against me statements i made to them in effort to facilitate communication and understanding (taken out of context and "interpreted" into different meanings other than the simple and plain one). Maybe i ought reveal those issues since it was done to defame me.

- i have, while working, used NO FULL NAMES of ANYONE on this blog. Those who know what i'm talking about ALREADY KNOW IT ALL (albeit, twisted in the gossip style). Beyond the context of the workplace, this blog IS MEANINGLESS. People i talk about here have names which are not exclusive to just themselves and the location of these events is generic. Don't allow hubris to fool you into thinking that "it's obvious exactly who and what" i'm talking about. You have to be THERE and already KNOW for any of this to mean more than "a generic and transplantable set of rants about the shitty treatment some guy with a website has had." But i know how abuse of legal threats work. THey don't need to waste money trying to get blood from a stone if they can intimidate it into silence (how's that for a mixed metaphore?).

- And, of all things, MUST i be trite by citing my rights as a US citizen?

Oh, and please don't tell me "This is no one's business and you don't need to share it with even the people who already seem to know about the problems at work."

It's MY business. This [was] MY employment and MY reputation that is defamed. If people are going to gossip, i'm at least going to tell MY SIDE instead of constantly hearing about what he said and she said about me while i was somewhere else. And they WILL gossip. Call it administrative leave, but people will find out what they want to know or invent what they want to hear (or tell). This action taken against me is a huge spotlight on the situation alone and the last 2 years of working where i work has demonstrated that certain people have NO CONCEPT of "privacy", "honesty" or "fairness."

i will not be made to hush or be silent. Doing so in the past, in hopes it would help facilitate harmony in the workplace, was used as a license for people to talk about me without a single refutation of their proclamations. That is a mistake i will not repeat. If you are going to destroy me in spite, there seems to be nothing i can do about it other than let it be known that... hah... "i disagree with your opinion, fucker."

But that's the beauty of what i have to offer: Everything about me is open, direct and in the light. It takes painful effort for me to create art with "hidden meanings," which is why most "poetic expression" on this blog is crap. It's unnatural for me. i've nothing to hide and i don't speak "in code" or "vague and unspecified implications."

Yet... exposed and naked in public, people will claim i am dangerous. Stupid motherfuckers.

i wish i could feel more surprise and shock than disgust and fear.

Now is a good time for those of you who have shared with me all the details of what goes on behind my back to go to the persons of authority and speak up. No one is going to ASK you to. Twice i've mentioned to my union reps that there are others who substantiate my statements, and twice they've asked me to provide people who are willing to come forward and make a statement about it. For some reason, i'm expected to produce proof and evidence IN THE WORKPLACE, of the acts carried out against me, AND i am expected to produce proof that i am "safe and able to return to work" above and beyond the self evident facts of the two years i've been there making positive working relationships (and a few friends) with many faculty and staff members. My open book existence AND my doctor's note said "patient can return to work" (it's not stellar, i know, but it's there)...

... but other people can just... point to this self-ridiculing blog and say "he's dangerous." No corroboration. No research. Picus repeatedly misquoted my blog to me, which i challenged her on, and she was forced to go read it and return with a begrudgingly sour "you're right, my mistake."

In fact, i HAVE provided documentation about my complaints. What happened to MY documentation?? Provided to the old boss and the union (three of the union reps sent to "look out for my interests, yet NONE of the union has a fucking clue about the REAL details... just what HR wants them to believe)!!

What was done with MY EVIDENCE??

NOTHING!

i should learn to accept it as the only thing i am allowed: a whole lot of nothing. It hasn't changed in 31 years except to become more unsubtle.

Even i can't stand how long this blog entry is but my hand has been forced, once again, to express my utter dismay and confoundment at what happens every time i try to do something normal and natural... be that expressing powerful and valid emotions or... working a job without obstruction and obfuscation, being made a pawn in other people's political games or being abused outright by those who are immune to the reprimanding that was so easily handed to me when and because i had the audacity to actually defend myself for once in my life.

-----------------
More of my documentation to come. Stay tuned....
http://dysamoria.com/blog/2006/08/because-if-you-cant-see-it-it-doesnt.html

Related:
http://dysamoria.com/blog/2007/01/exposing-truth-human-resources-human.html
http://dysamoria.com/blog/2007/01/turnabout-is-fair-play-fucker.html
http://dysamoria.com/blog/2006/12/violence-and-crime-strike-again-same.html
http://dysamoria.com/blog/2006/12/woman-city-worker-wins-800000-in.html
http://dysamoria.com/blog/2006/10/balance.html
http://dysamoria.com/blog/2006/10/image-vs-reality.html
http://dysamoria.com/blog/2006/10/image-vs-reality-ii.html
http://dysamoria.com/blog/2006/10/image-vs-reality-iii.html
http://dysamoria.com/blog/2006/10/image-vs-reality-iv.html
http://dysamoria.com/blog/2006/10/image-vs-reality-iv.html
http://dysamoria.com/blog/2006/10/image-vs-reality-vi-actions.html
personal:
http://dysamoria.com/blog/2006/12/dear-zelda.html
http://dysamoria.com/blog/2006/12/dont-get-confused-about-your-role.html
http://dysamoria.com/blog/2006/12/you-have-to-want-to-get-better.html
http://dysamoria.com/blog/2006/11/censorship-and-illegal-action-against.html
http://dysamoria.com/blog/2006/08/good-life-wasted.html
http://dysamoria.com/blog/2006/07/no-credit-for-what-i-do.html
http://dysamoria.com/blog/2006/07/inflicted-help.html
http://dysamoria.com/blog/2006/06/if-you-really-cared-about-me-as-person.html
http://dysamoria.com/blog/2006/05/no-advocacy-for-me.html
http://dysamoria.com/blog/2006/05/youre-all-just-fucking-robots.html
http://dysamoria.com/blog/2006/04/patriotism-should-involve-thought.html
http://dysamoria.com/blog/2006/11/interconnected.html

censorship and illegal action against freedom of speech

UPDATED: Drug Fucked Typos Corrected

i have been cleared for work by the doctor they demanded i see. It is 4:37am and i just cannot stand the continual abuse of my life at the hands of others. My heart is not pumping correctly and i've almost passed out about six times; i take medication to help me fall asleep despite the constant video and audio playback in my head of all the abuse i have had to endure. i have been at work two days. Monday and Tuesday. i will soon publish this and get maybe one hour of sleep before everyone calls it Wednesday.

Between those two days, i was informed by three people that my freedom of speech is under threat. The first party was HR, acting as puppets for the bastard who started all this bullshit. the language is always evasive. Trying to avoid saying anything directly. HR people merely imply. It seems, they are taught in school how to be passive aggressive. i was told basically this: "about your blog...that's still a point of contention...lawyers are looking into it." The other two parties are secondary, told of this threat by the threat maker himself in more of his arrogant bravado.

You like that? i never threatened him. i get in trouble for being angry, frustrated and telling him, and anyone else digging for dirt, just how i feel about what he's done to me. He can make one little phrase into a declaration that i might be dangerous. He didn't get what he wanted. The doctor saw the truth. So now comes the next attempt at my throat: the threat of imposed silence. He doesn't want me to exist. He doesn't want me to work there. Since he hasn't managed to accomplish those desires, he is now aiming to make sure that i don't tell people what really happened and what he's really like.

The threat: Defamation Lawsuit

Defamation is often a threat made to people exercising their freedom of speech, often "whistle blowers." While it is threatened much and people have received writs, it rarely goes to court. Many cases demonstrate moreso that they are hiding dirty laundry and bones in the closet. i'm sure my employers would love to be publicly embroiled in a suppression of free speech lawsuit...

Those who attempt to censor someone's freedom of speech usually have a system. it goes like this:

1. Keep their actions hidden. My ex-boss was careful to never verbally abuse me or harass me when others were around to hear it. But he would look for people who might be receptive to his complaints if they were a little bit like him and if he could spin it just a little. But mostly, it was always "Can you close the door a minute?" or "Could we have a chat in my office?" or just the fact that my desk was located in a super-isolated spot in the lowest level of the building.

2. Devalue the victim. He made passive aggressive insults to me, and about me to clients. Example: a faculty member (client) stated "You know all this time I thought he was a student here; I didn't know he was staff" ex-boss used that as an opening to make the following judgmental, subjective, discriminating and devaluing comment about me: "Well he sure dresses like one." There are two faculty/client witnesses of this event. It is terribly unprofessional and demonstrates a lack of unity in the department. Clients want to work with people they can trust and rely on, not people who create inner-departmental conflicts, saying nice things about me when a client he was wooing and i were both in the same room with him, then demonstrating a completely different opinion of me when i'm not in earshot. That does not establish trust; it establishes that the man plays people when and how he feels it best suits his agenda. Or worse: it establishes his mental instability.

Sadly, my ex-boss's bravado and intimidation of many people knowing the truth about him, make them unwilling to come forward with written and verbal statements. The union and HR has done nothing, and will do nothing without lots of "corroboration." (but they will let him use HR to build a mountain out of a pimple, just because i decided to make it clear on my blog, for those who read it, what my side of the story is. They've only heard his side because gossip is not my thing (most autistics have no desire or will for it, but those who seek power or need to devalue others, will use it as often as possible). i used his last name. As i've said, outside the context of those who know "something happened" (which is every client i am no longer able to assist even at their request, and all who noticed, but did not have explained to them, my sudden position change). Outside of our workplace context, my blog entries are expressions and reactions to some random asshole's abuse. It would never affect him outside the workplace. It is not defamation if the person isn't exposed to the greater populous. It is not defamation unless lies are pointed directly at him in a publicly condemning manner (which i've not done; lies are as unnatural to me as breathing water). His threat is just another threat intended as psychological violence and to manipulate our employers to "deal with me" since he's too much a coward to handle things on his own. He has complained to people because he knows i'm talking about him and his arrogance cannot tolerate that. Especially with the amount of effort expended butt snorkeling the people that are of strategic value to him - he has ingratiated himself to anyone he thought would be a good tool to have available - even to the point of making uncomfortably awkward actions towards people of "different race" and gender (this has been pointed out to me by others and is not merely my own observation). So far, he succeeds in silencing those who know the truth. One of them wanted to stand up for me, but this person's spouse advised against it saying "He clearly will stop at nothing to get whatever he wants. It could be dangerous for you to get involved." About the repeated age issue: i worked with this man 6 years ago at another place. He constantly complained that i dressed like a kid and my hair was too long. He would claim that he was just expressing his personal preference and kidding around, but the truth was that it was passive aggressive harassment. He wears business dress at all times and steps it up to a suit when he wants to look important. Light blue or white buttoned and collared shirt, tucked into dress pants and shiny shoes. He is ex-military. His hair is never longer than one inch. Mine has been cut so that it no longer makes a pony tail. When he saw it the first time he said "Hey, you almost look like a professional now, hah hah." A student worker of ours has hair the same length or longer than what i used to have. He sometimes tied it up and sometimes left it lose. My ex-boss told me "You know, i wish we had heavy machinery around here so that I could force [student] to cut his hair." He's older than myself. Along with the direct age discrimination done around witnesses (clients and anyone else with ears),he would make up stories about how i have no job ethic, i'm doing Internet dating at work, etc. If someone had ears and wasn't deaf, he'd have something to slip in there that was derogatory or devaluing of me so that they would be more open to seeing him as being credible. i never said shit. Literally. He swore at me many times. Shit, Fuck, whatever. i never did that in the workplace. Not ever. With his verbal abuse and intimidation (and the red face of boiling hatred he has for me), i was being devalued constantly, both directly and indirectly. Naively, because i am used to this as a way of life, i didn't think to complain. He made sure that i wouldn't go to the dean by telling me that she was of the same mindset that he was. "Jace, you have the reputation around here as the kid that never contributes to anything but goes on all the field trips." Pay special attention to the wording used. It sticks in my mind like a tape player because i knew what he was doing: being discriminatory and derogatory and devaluing me all because i am younger than he. On the one performance evaluation i've had in the near three years of being there, he scored me lowest on "interpersonal relationships." Funny; he's the only one who has interpersonal relationship problems in the workplace. The only one with problems about me.

i was still naively, autistically, taking his word, so i carefully stepped up my formalism and asked clients whether i'd done anything to make them uncomfortable. Quite the opposite; the only person who has problems relating to me is the ex-boss. My clients show sincere appreciation, have