Shadow Syndromes: Reviewer Gets It

on amazon.com a few weeks ago, i read a particularly well-written review of the book Shadow Syndromes: The Mild Forms of Major Mental Disorders That Sabotage Us. *

the reviewer uses this text and his own experiences to write a good critique of the confining DSM classifications and to provide a realistic view of brain complexity that argues for spending more time treating patient's symptoms and less on figuring out which box(es) they fit into. his analysis (and more fundamentally, that of the book's author) illustrates the dangers of not doing so. please read.

"Shadows Syndromes is a worthy read, in that it does a good job of highlighting the major disconnect between diagnostic categories and reality. While the DSM model has its uses (research and billing being the only two I can think of right now), it also serves to reify the notion that mental illnesses are precise, discreet disorders. Any one with an ounce of clinic experience will tell you that real cases don't fit neatly into categories. The diagnostic questions sometimes help think through and organize the presenting concerns, signs and symptoms. But often the debate over whether someone is suffering from a pure mood disorder versus PTSD versus character pathology serves as a distraction. Or , another classic example: spinning wheels arguing whether a patient is an addict with psychiatric symptoms secondary to drug abuse or are they actually someone with a primary psychiatric diagnosis who is using substances to self-medicate their mental illness. It's a meaningless exercise based on an overly simplistic model. But that one does matter because insurance companies consider one of those scenarios worth paying to treat and the other worthy only of their contempt.

In reality, just like any other organ in the body, the brain mediates a number of functions. It is responsible for mood regulation, memory, sustaining attention, shifting attention, interpreting social cues, integrating sensory information, regulating motivation of all manner of behaviors, and impulse control, to name a few. We all have various strengths and weaknesses, and we all fall somewhere on a bell-shaped curve for performance of each of these various tasks. People who shake out on the extremes ends in one particular area probably look like textbook definitions of specific illnesses (a "pure" mood disorder with no other comorbidities). That's rare. Looking at it even just from this sort of statistical model, one would expect that, for any given disorder, the number of people who unmistakably qualify for a specific diagnosis would be just a fraction of those who almost qualify. These "subclinical" cases are what Drs. Ratey and Johnson refer to as "shadow syndromes." They go a step further and assert that these people actually suffer more from mental illness, because they slip through the cracks. They are not quite sick enough to find themselves needing treatment, but they are impaired by their symptoms.

It's an important perspective that is explained in simple, readable terms in the first part of the text. The second part then breaks the shadow syndromes down into specific "mild" mental illnesses based on the traditional categories. So just imagine how densely the comorbidities can layer now. Is there anyone motivated to pick up this book that won't conclude that they have masked depression, are slightly bipolar, have a subthreshold intermittent rage disorder, mild attention deficit disorder, a touch of "autistic echoes" and are a shadow addicts? Then what are the implications? Does everyone need to be in therapy? Does everyone need to be on a finely tuned psychopharmacological regimen and a behavior plan?

I recommend this book, I think it's well-written and thought provoking. It does succeed in explaining complex issues in a way that is understandable to people outside the field without being simplistic or dull to people within the field. That's a tough line to walk. And I like the emphasis on blurry boundaries to disorders, and the overall message of understanding how your brain works, what your relative strengths and weaknesses are and how to make the best of things. But I worry that the take-home message for many will be to feel these diagnostic categories expanding, billowing out of their margins, pathologizing every aspects of our humanity as it envelopes us. While it gets at the true complexity of these disorders, it also does so with the bias that mental illness primarily a Biological phenomenon. Perhaps this is to combat social stigma and people's assumptions that these deficiencies are due to personal weakness (or- just as damaging- all to be blamed on bad mothering). Or perhaps, it's that, as we learn more about these disorders (which we are doing at a rapid rate thanks to the new abundance of genetic data and advances in brain scanning that lets investigators see brain regions light up as they work), we learn more about the biological aspects, since that is what we are looking for and trained to interpret. So, now the authors expand the scope of these diagnoses and therefore lead us to the conclusion that more people could benefit from psychopharmacologic treatments. It's a nice book to recommend to your patients if you take only self-pay patients and only do psychopharm visits. But it skims over the real beauty of psychiatry, the reason it is the most intellectually challenging field in medicine and the most rewarding specialty to practice, which is the multifactorial, composite nature of everything our brain is and does at any moment. No doubt the genetics shape the brain, as does the metabolic and endocrine factors in the uterine environment during development, as does nutritional factors, and then near infinite environemental variables acting constantly on each individual. From things as foundational as the fit in temperament between primary caregiver and baby, all the way out to religion and culture. From the preconscious memories of the earliest childhood experiences all the way out to this morning's headline news.

You can take the best brain in the world, if there is such a thing, but I guarantee the individual possessing it will be no healthier than the families, systems, and societies they inhabit.

So thumbs up for a great read, and a perspective that broadens our view of the mind and mental illness. Too bad they interpret the new landscapes with tunnel vision, but it's to their credit that they left me wanting more. "

*note that i haven't read Shadow Syndromes (although i'd like to at least skim it sometime soon).

Foundations, building blocks and arches

A friend and I, while mulling over her youthful relationship choices, were talking about the kind of foundational experiences that she had to build on. For example, given that her father had a violent temper, if she had married the boy she was madly in love with (who had a... not violent, exactly, but... physically expressive temper), then eventually, in reaction to his temper, she probably would have had frequent flashbacks to bad childhood experiences. In other words, she didn't have the right background to enable a healthy relationship with him.

From that, I developed an analogy of personal development being like the foundation of a building...

If a lower layer of blocks is damaged, then they won't be able to hold as much weight as whole blocks. If there's a crumbled section or complete lack of blocks somewhere, then an arch can be built over that spot. But arches take more skill to build than walls and arches require sturdy anchors on both ends, so it's not always possible to make up for a lack of something.

The very bottom layer is made up of things like "was born healthy" "nursed within the first hour" "was breast fed" "had lots of physical contact" "had consistent caretakers".

And subsequent layers are made up of "patient parents" "fair and appropriate discipline" "caretaker reads to child" "healthy diet" "no abuse" "engaging teachers" "supportive schools" "kind friendships" "creative hobbies" "respectful sex" etc.

What we are able to build in our present is determined by the sturdiness of all the layers (and arches, if any) of our past.

When we see something missing in ourselves or in our lives, perhaps what we're seeing are these flaws and gaps in our foundation and missing the things that we can't manage to build for ourselves as a consequence.

Is there a way to move forward? How much does our capacity to build arches over the damaged blocks increase with life experience or decrease under the strains of life?

My secret for yours

I was browsing around on Post Secret the other day and came across a postcard that particularly hit home for me.
When I was 19 years old, my mother swallowed several bottles full of pills and ended her life.

She made several prior attempts throughout my teenage years which were less serious and more of the "cry for help" variety. Of course I didn't want her to die, and I told her as much on each of those occasions, but it wasn't that simple.

She wasn't an easy person to love. Her behavior as a parent was negligent, belligerent, inappropriate, and damaging. She was an alcoholic, she suffered physical pain, extreme loneliness, anxiety, agoraphobia, and depression, and she was my only parent. Other family members (my brothers) were rarely around, so for the most part I handled her alone. I certainly gave a shit about her, but it was often hard to show it. I couldn’t save her because she didn’t even teach me how to save myself. We fought constantly, and it is difficult to imagine ever meeting another person as unpleasant and aggravating as she was.

All of that said, my mother loved and she deserved to be loved. She wasn’t always bad, and the times when she was good, she was very good. In particular, the years she had the love of my stepfather (before his stroke), was sober, and had a network of friends were quite pleasant.

She had a shitty life, to be sure, and she needed many things to compensate for the bad experiences that drained her dry. Perhaps most, she needed kind shoulders to lean on. Instead, her friends died off like flies and there were no more lovers. She needed her family, but they were settled on the west coast and we lived so very far away on the east (thanks to threat of divorce from my father who died soon after we moved). She needed financial resources, debt forgiveness, adequate health insurance, and assistance with executive functioning. Periodic visits from my much older brothers provided only minimal assistance with money and managerial tasks. For decades, doctors kept her drugged with a medication cocktail that, well, if you’ve read up to this point, you tell me how much you think the drugs helped her.

No one that could’ve given a shit and made a real difference in her life did.

So many would argue that she made her bed and she should lie in it. But we all make mistakes. We’ve forgotten the meaning of community. My mother had none and she needed it more than most. It’s too easy for most of us to tell others the answers and then turn our backs and expect them to help themselves up with our wise words, and it’s too hard for most of us to actually invest the time to figure out what is needed and what providing role we can play.

force them to comply via embarassment

This is a follow-up to the previous blog entry...

Today i received three emails in response to my mass mailing. First, chronologically, was from the hospital. A technician informed me that they changed their software and could provide me with a CD with my raw data on it (like i had asked, over a year ago, but was told this was not possible). the second email, chronologically, was from Joe Doria at Covidien. i wont even attempt to describe. just read it below:

Jace,

As I have always said, the issue of patient data, and viewing patient data is between you and the Sleep Lab.

I have copied JoBeth at the lab, and she will be contacting you directly. I understand that they have offered to have you come into the sleep lab to review the record with the staff but you have not done so.

I would appreciate it if you dealt directly with your doctor, and with the sleep lab in the future for any requests which pertain to your confidential patient information.

Respectfully,

Joe Doria

i replied with the following:

"Respectfully??" Not even close, Mr. Doria. Even in your last email, you STILL refused to answer the same damn question i've asked sensibly and politely for over a year.

Jobeth emailed me prior to your email. She informed me that the software they have at this time allows me to take my data home on a CD for viewing on my own computer. Things apparently changed since the original test, but because YOU were uncooperative and refused to answer my very simple question about the software, and because you refused to facilitate understanding of your company's product between both parties, NOTHING was accomplished for over a year. YOU were contacted to determine if there was a technical limitation or a misunderstanding by the technicians at the hospital. You were not contacted to deal with "confidential patient information." That's patently absurd. You simply refused to cooperate for whatever reason (i can only imagine; laziness, sociopathy, apathy, disinterest...).

Unprofessional and unkind.

Don't claim to sympathize. i don't want your last minute hollow words of customer service. Don't give me the passive-aggressive argument that i "refused to go in to the doctor office to review my data." This is nonsense. There is no basis in fact for such nonsense because it is completely outside the context of my inquiry. You would know that if you comprehended my request from day one (or 20). i can only assume it's an attitude problem on your part; if you had taken a few minutes to actually deal with my very specific inquiry, this would have probably been finished a year ago.

There is no reason why i should have had to send a mass email throughout Covidien just to get this resolved. This was my last resort after dealing with a year of deadlocked stonewalling from you. Your handling of this has been unprofessional and rude and you've clearly been forced to take the action you should have taken previously.

You've clearly demonstrated an incapacity to empathize with the feelings and emotions of other human beings and such a personality has no sense of ever doing wrong. You don't belong in a position relating to the handling of technology for human health care. Unless you're going to admit your wrongdoing and apologize, just stay silent from this point on. There's clearly nothing you can (or will) do for me and this is my final message to you. Hopefully someone of authority over you has now noticed your lack of customer service and communication skills. It didn't have to go down this way. This is your doing. It doesn't take an autistic genius to figure that out.

-jace cavacini

i copied this to the kind person at the hospital and to the person who sent me the third message, chronologically: a person responding to my complaint of ethical concerns to the Covidien Board of Directors. i explained to her that her message demonstrated that she did not read the actual email exchange between myself and Doria because she quoted the same irrellivent nonsense Doria did (that i was asking them to provide my "confidential patient information."

How do these people even get EMPLOYMENT when they have such poor reading comprehension and why the HELL am i the one who lost my employment when incompetent people like Joe Doria are able to work for multi-billion-dollar corporations in HEALTH CARE??

Below is the exchange between myself and Gina Spencer of Covidien:

From: jace
Sent: Thursday, May 29, 2008 4:40 AM
To: #Grants Administrator; Young, David; Lannum, Cole; McMillan, Wayde; #Covidien Investor Relations; #Covidien Board of Directors
Subject: [Fwd: Re: Thank you for responding, but i still need some confirmation: Re: FW: at least have the decency to RESPOND THIS TIME]

Please examine this communication exchange and tell me if Joe Doria is behaving in the way that your company thinks is "Socially Responsible," "compassionate," and "accountable" (among other self-congratulatory terms)...

i notice that your "socially responsible" and "accountable" board of directors and management have self-congratulatory bios, but not a single contact method (phone or email).

also, i still need a direct and relevant answer to my very important question.
--------

Spencer's reply (she was not one of the addressed):

Dear Mr. Cavacini:

I am in receipt of your e-mail dated May 29, 2008, to the Covidien Board of Directors. This is indeed the correct contact method to notify the Board of Directors and Senior Management of any ethical concerns.

Regarding your message to Mr. Doria and subsequently to the Board of Directors (et. al.), Covidien is the manufacturer of the Sandman equipment, but we do not have access to patient data. It would be inappropriate for us obtain your data from the lab to fulfill your request because there are laws that govern patient privacy, and we will not violate those laws.

I believe Mr. Doria has arranged for the sleep lab to help fulfill your request. It is my understanding that Mr. Doria has arranged with JoBeth Newhard of the LHV Sleep Disorders Center to provide you with your data in a portable format. I was forwarded a copy of an e-mail sent to you on May 29th from Ms. Newhard that outlines how you may take advantage of this opportunity.

I believe this settles your matter in a positive manner, which is hopefully acceptable to you. Good luck with your pursuit of this matter and, of course, your health.

Sincerely,

Gina Spencer
Ombudsman

Please note new E-Mail address: gina.spencer@covidien.com

That's right, folks... these people have employment and comfort while i have disability checks that don't cover my living expenses after sociopathic people (such as will jefferson and sharon picus at Kutztown University and these Covidien people) ruined my ability to function via passive-aggressive harassment, abuse and illegal behavior. Yes. jace loses. The disabled person loses to the privileged people.

Fucking spectacular.

As i asked previously: when did this become acceptable business practice? This nation is going down the toilet because passive-aggressive people win.

Don't let them. This is YOUR FUCKING COUNTRY.

passive-aggressive neighborhoods...

my father and i worked on my lawn today after he brought me home from a check of my ambulatory EEG wiring at hospital.
Yesterday, after he dropped me off from the hospital, i pulled tall grass with my hands (while wearing my EEG) because i my trimmer batteries needed charging. i respect the responsibility to take care of my yard in how it affects my neighbors; why make anyone tromp through grass between their vehicles and the sidewalk?

... Back to today...

As has happened EVERY TIME i've worked on my yard, from day ONE at my house, while i was trimming, my elderly neighbor Anna came out to harass me. She stood on my yard, approached me, attempting to "talk" to me. i wore ear plugs to protect from the trimmer noise. i KNEW Anna was there to harass me. i tried to ignore her. Finally, i could no tolerate no more.

i turned off the trimmer and faced her (she was only one foot from me already). i didn't get a chance to talk before she started "asking" if i was going to "remove those weeds over there" (pointing to the area i had previously started cleaning up BY HAND, while wearing an EEG, YESTERDAY).

i told her "Do you see me working here?"
She replied "Yes, but-"
i interrupted with: "i am working on my yard."
She then started AGAIN to complain and i again interrupted her:
"i'm taking care of my responsibility. Go back to your own place."
She tried to "win" an argument i was not having by telling me "Never mind" and then walked away.

About 15 to 20 minutes later, Anna was "conspicuously whispering" to another neighbor; i felt the "spidey sense tingling" ... seemed she was complaining about me. The second woman politely gave "mmm hmm" responses without words.

On the opposite side of me lives Dotty/Dorothy, the other elderly neighbor who has harassed me. She's not bothered me in months, though she ignored the hell outta me walking past me as i was sweeping-up HER side of the walkway.

Anna has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and is passive-aggressive. Dotty is passive-aggressive and maybe has OCD a bit, too. i know this because of three years of observation. i personally feel Anna's argumentative and passive-aggressive personality is what put her husband in the ground.

These types of behavior are extremely toxic. Especially to me. It's exactly what i dealt with at KU. It 's what i suffered most of my life while trying to "be the good boy" and do as people instructed. Trying to comply with passive-aggressive people lost me my job because these people cannot be satisfied.

Not Ever.

The next time Anna harasses me, i'll contact the police and press harassment charges. i cannot continue to allow people free reign over me like this, whether they are "old" or not. OCD and passive-aggressive disorder aren't just "old age problems." They're anti-social disorders, as in "anti society." i'm doing more than my part, trying to fit into society. i don't see why i should suffer anti-social harassments and abuses by people who skate just along the edge of legality when they strike... just because "they're old" or because they're "not breaking the law conspicuously."

"Bullying isn't illegal" - Sharon Picus, HR Manager, Kutztown University, Sociopath.

i believe i have the right to live and work in non-hostile environments. That right at work was violated. i won't continue allowing it to be violated in my own goddamned yard WHILE i am COMPLYING with the requirements of the society.

OCD reference
Passive-aggressive reference
Malicious_compliance (related to above and what i've suffered)
Sociopathy reference (not a great reference but best i could find quickly and better than Wiki's because Wiki's pedantic and inflexible nature of not including information that's not agreed to by the shitty DSM-IV TR. More about sociopathy on my blog).

(00:35 - heart palpitation, sitting on shitter, typing these recent blogs on laptop)

some people are actually starting to think...

points scored by the editors of WikiPedia who wrote the part of the following excerpt which i highlighted below:

"There are many different theories about the cause of obsessive-compulsive disorder. The majority of researchers believe that there is some type of abnormality in the neurotransmitter serotonin, among other possible psychological or biological abnormalities; however, it is possible that this activity is the brain's response to OCD, and not its cause." - WikiPedia on OCD

Take note of the phrase that i placed in bold and colored.

Read it again.

Replace "obsessive-compulsive disorder" in the text above with any disorder, including depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc., and you have:

THE TRUTH.

the choice to do nothing is still a choice

... just a reminder of things i've said before on my blog... [ref1, ref2, ref3, ref4, ref5, ref6... silence]

and fuck the rest of you [EDITED]

While i'm at it, fuck you tinawhore, pretentious and arrogant kristin, jana-brat, judy-sociopath, dana-sociopath, lynette-borderliner, john-arrogantfuck married to arrogant-fuck-tammy. fuck my family for never listening to me, fucking ever, child or adult. fuck my "friend and boss" will-fucking-sociopath-jefferson, fuck the evil HR director sharon-fucking-sociopath-picus at KU, the entire kutztown university board, my other sociopathic and immoral employers such as NCC, buckeye pipeline company and daytimers ... and all you fuckers who treated me like shit in grade school for nearly 10 years. fuck you to all the "teachers," the friends who didn't do shit for me but but demanded i do for them, that i change to suit them. fuck you to the arrogant, fucking ignorant doctors, hospitals, psychiatrists, counselors (hello bradly and mr. never have anything to say after weeks of me talk talk talking and EDUCATING YOUR IGNORANT ASS [Dr. Nathan Wagner]), fuck the worthless, addicting medications and the motherfucking companies which made them for profit only. fuck you, john and tammy, for getting me started on fucking medication that doesn't do fucking shit but make me a fucking junkie. fuck you to the organizations that claim to be there for people like me. autism groups, autism activism, autism FOR CHILDREN. FUCK YOUR CHILDREN. i was a child once, you know? WHAT THE FUCK DID I GET? FUCKING ABUSE! "bad attitude" "misbehavior" "doesn't live up to his potential" "talks in class" "doesn't participate" WELL FUCK YOU, SALISBURY SCHOOL SYSTEM!!!!!!!!!!

fuck you to america, the shining shit of ignorance. fuck the medical industry that believes AS only exists in children. fuck you to the worthless lies of the "US Constitution" ... the fucking useless united states of fucking america. FUCK THIS COUNTRY AND ITS LIES. racist, money-worshipping, whores of god. "for god you crawl over the bodies of the dead and in [the name of] god you murder."

i still can't get any of you out of my blood because i REMEMBER and i KNOW WHAT YOU ALL ARE. blame me, the fucking retard WHO SEES WHAT YOU REALLY ARE, YOU COMPLACENT AND SELFISH FUCKS. yes, call me the autistic retard who can't be normal like you selfish, apathetic fucks. put a fucking gun to my fucking brain stem and END ME NOW, you murderous fucking cunts.

hear me, you redneck "conservative" republican shitheads? COME KILL ME, YOU IGNORANT REDNECK RACIST GOD FUCKING PIECES OF SHIT!!!!!!!! FUCK YOUR GODS, FUCK YOUR BIBLES, FUCK YOUR JESUSES, FUCK ALL YOUR 2000+ YEARS OF POLITICAL, RACIST, ABUSIVE BULLSHIT. WORSHIP YOUR PILES OF MONEY AND YOUR THRONES, SAFE AWAY FROM THE CRIME YOU CREATE, THE WARS YOU START, AND THE REALITY YOU CAN'T COMPREHEND. WORSHIP YOUR SHIT. WORSHIP YOUR STOCKS, YOUR BANK ACCOUNTS, YOUR BACKBITING. WORSHIP YOUR SEMEN STAINED BIBLES. YOUR RIGHTIOUSNESS. YOUR POWER OVER OTHERS! YOU FUCKING HYPOCRITES OF THE HIGHEST POWER.

FUCK YOURSELVES TO DEATH AND GO TO THE GATES OF YOUR MASTURBATORY HEAVEN WHERE ONLY YOUR KIND ARE WELCOME TO BE FUCKED BY GOD AND HIS FUCKING WHOREY ANGELS! WORSHIP WORSHIP WORSHIP.

FUCK YOU, GREATEST OF ALL, FOR TREATING ME LIKE ALL THIS FUCKING DAMAGE IS MY OWN FUCKING FAULT!

463 - a lesson in observation and self awareness

i used to think the "personal web page" was an icon of egotistical trend followers... Then i ended up making one of my own as a combination of portfolio and resume... and some personal politics.

Then came "the web log," which quickly became known as... "the blog."

"The blob?"
"No, the blog."
"Oh."

i thought blogging was another icon of egotistical, trend following, pet rock buying, meme spreading "something old is new again (because it has a different name)."

Now i have had one of these things for over three years. This being the 463rd posting, i thought to mention that my initial "distaste" for a "new fad" was probably just a trigger and response function of having spent 12 years in grade school, where fads were more important than life itself. It WAS life, in fact, to most people i "grew up with." i hate fads. i hate egoism. The last thing i want to do is follow a fad, appear to follow a fad or care about fads.

My aversion was also probably fueled somewhat by the "i'm uncomfortable with something new and different(ish)... things are changing... i don't like differentness and change..." feelings that come from my autistic traits.

Then again, according to many people who should be "in the know" (and are not), i'm not autistic (even though A Guide to Asperger's Syndrome is a rather excellent user manual for my life and brain).

One way or another, i grew past my aversions. Most likely by finding a contextual purpose for these things in my life. More importantly, i stopped being "anti" and negative minded about them. Good thing, too, because the aversion wasn't logical or rational. i know this by watching, observing and seeing other people have similar behaviors and then comparing myself to them. i don't do this to be "superior." i do this to check myself. Instead of hunting down a person who will support my negative views, i spend some time being objective about these traits in me when i see them in others. i see the traits as intolerant and fearful emotional reactions to things they do not understand. People criticize what they do not understand, right? Do i want to be one of those ignorant people?

No.

My ex-boss, the sociopath jefferson, at KU, has/had an aversion to realtime chat online. It is one of the features of Blackboard that he refused to utilize and tended to disparage. We discussed it, somewhat, and i shared my attempt at a balanced view of chatting. Yes, i admitted, there are some down sides such as poor reading comprehension of "chat speak" and typing speed limitations which make the tool uncomfortable for the "uninitiated" ... but what if you could add another potential route of communication to your teaching tools that enabled an entire group of students to communicate with you and each other which was not available to them before? Is that a "bad thing?" Should we shun a tool because we are ourselves uncomfortable with it, despite the fact that many more people ARE comfortable with it and are more likely to "speak up" given that method?

He was forced to agree. The man does attempt to be logical in relation to how he is likely to be perceived, so long as it is not extreme paranoia driving him. He has a mind which is very capable of logical reasoning when it is not obstructed by ego (which is something i could say about you, too, H). Did he embrace the tool from there on? No, but he did ... borrow ... my commentary about the tool when presenting Blackboard. It didn't bother me at the time. Since it was in group training and i was right there, i thought it was understood between us that it was shared knowledge. Except... he still had his personal aversion. This was demonstrated by referring to the two communication tools in Blackboard (forums and chat) as "asynchronous and synchronous communication."

"WHAT??"

These are terms that our clients were highly unlikely to understand at all, or at least not grasp within jefferson's context. It was as if he was refusing to step down to the "kid terms" "forum" and "chat." Another form of age elitism? The fact is, the terms "chat" and "forum" were understood by far many more clients than not. Many clients knew of the tools through their students, children or their own personal use in daily life. Some didn't know what these tools were, but highly technical terms, such as "asynchronous and synchronous communication" were not at all in those persons' lexicons and likely were not ever meant to be. It would be as logical as learning programming language terminology as part of the curriculum for becoming an illustrator.

To this day, i cannot really decide what motivated this choice in language. Was it to obfuscate something he didn't really want to accept was valid or was it his only way of comprehending something he didn't really grasp on a personal contextual level, in a functional manner?

More curiously, or ironic, or unfair... this is the same man who pushed me out of my job via harassment, bullying, and generally making my work environment hostile. He eliminated the member of the LTC team which was quite comfortable working with the tools he disliked and didn't have familiarity with. He eliminated the person who was skilled at adaptation to new tools and instructing others on how to apply those tools to their own needs, if appropriate. He eliminated... the competition for perception of who really made the LTC valuable.

This is why i blog. Not just because of sociopaths like jefferson. Not just to rant. i blog to expose. i blog to express. i blog to share.

What i know. What i see. What i hear. What i have learned. What Ever.

Through observing others, i have come to eliminate potential pitfalls for my own personality and attitudes. i have come to understand what makes certain types of people behave as they do. i have come to a lucidity about myself and a clarity about others, and how they treat people at all similar to myself, and i share this information in the hopes that it will either help people deal with me in a more humane way, or help people deal with their own personal experiences in a healthier way.

Most of all, to make it public. Exposure of truths.

i know about "YOU", "HIM", "HER" and "THEM" and i'm not afraid to tell it to the world... or the parts of the world that might accidentally read my blog, randomly, via chance or directed searches.

i am not "better" than jeffersonites, sociopaths, HR managers, flickr staff or girls with BPD. i simply BEHAVE better.

warning: you may be dangerous to the person sitting next to you

You never considered that, did you? You don't live in your own private world. Your actions affect others. You may think that "being anti-social" means a person is unwilling to socialize... You're wrong, if so. If you've ever been called anti-social by a doctor, therapist or your kids (and if they know what they're talking about), it means that you have behaviors which disrupt the systems that make societies possible. It means that your behavior threatens the fabric of society itself. It means this: you're toxic. Maybe even outright dangerous.

BPD, sociopathy, psychopathy... barely acknowledged by "modern medicine..." These topics are "defined" by political works of reference, which are created by politicized committees, which are made up of people focused on their own agendas. Does that sound social to you?

What "the establishment" seems blind to when they define these dangerous behaviors are things such as simple arrogance, elitism, racism and ignorance. It's all defective behavior and it all endangers the fabric of society. Some of it has the label of "anti-social personality disorder" and is possibly "medicated" or "advised." The rest of it is considered "bad attitude" or "difference of opinion" and goes unchecked, unfiltered and largely without limitation because it isn't perceived as dangerous (or "deviant," but even the people who own deviantart.com seem to be utterly, and absurdly, ignorant about what the word "deviant" actually means).

Yes, the delimiter is the perception of "danger to others." Freedom of speech is protected as a right. Supposedly. Hate speech is not protected and can be found illegal, depending on the form. Does that logically mean that racists who openly "express their opinions" about other people are breaking the law? No. Some racists even manage to have their "freedom of speech" protected by the law... enabling them to wear culturally offensive "uniforms" (many with hoods for the protection of anonymity) and collect in "peaceful demonstration" of their intolerance of other human beings.

Confused? i sure am. But hey, i'm just a stupid autistic "kid" (i'm 32, you moron).

But wait... go back to that whole "Dangerous" bit... The anti-social "KKK" marchers who are "peacefully demonstrating" their hate... well, they aren't hurting anyone, are they? Is there any assault or even name calling? Maybe not, but what would you feel like if their "presentation" was a veiled suggestion that people like YOU should be legally enslaved or "deported" like your great grandfather/mother? Does that hurt you?

What is "hurt??" Is that the same thing you feel when you're assaulted physically??

i'll help clear that up in a moment. First, consider this:

A psychopath is clearly dangerous to individuals, should one determine he/she feels like killing or maiming other human beings or being "cruel" to animals (yet, a dog's owner is legally allowed to murder it, as long as it isn't done in a "cruel" way).

What about the girl with BPD who causes emotional trauma to person after person after person, out of sheer paranoia and self interest? The trail of ruined hearts and minds left in their wake is not worth consideration?? What about the ignorant university employees who pass judgment on, and are complacent about the harassment of, a person with autism, resulting in the unjust loss of that autistic person's job? (yeah, that's me, the autistic person, could you guess?)

What about the company executive (seemingly clearly sociopathic, to me) who allows the deaths of hundreds, or even thousands, at the failure of a product he/she is responsible for because of a "cost/risk analysis?" What about the responsibility-free individuals that make up a government which instructs its teenage military to wage war on others for... what were those wars about, again? Certainly not about spreading peace, human dignity, "democracy" or any other pretty words...

Why do these people remain free to repeat and continue their damage? Are they invisible? Excusable?? Psychopaths do tend to make themselves known, eventually, and it is harder to ignore them... but the others... the BPD girl, the corporate executive, the murderous war monger... they aren't at all invisible. Killing and destruction of societies, en mass... yet they go largely unchallenged. There's a lot of talk, when something manages to become a "controversy," but who is ultimately held accountable? Anyone at all? Is there REALLY a "court of public opinion" when most citizens of this nation (and others) are complacent, apathetic and callous to the suffering of ... the human being next to them?

i ask "Why do they remain free when the psychopaths are jailed and removed from society?"

i'll tell you why: Definitions.

Nothing more.

That sociopathic company man, supervisor or president of the USA go unchallenged because the law (obeyed or not) does not recognize them as being dangerous to society or individuals in that society. It's incredible, when you look at the actual details instead of the distractions.

What about you? Are you a contributor to peace and harmony or a bringer of chaos and distress? Does it please you to please others or does it please you to play political games? You know... shift and manipulate power structures to benefit your own personal agenda. Do you like that? Do you openly admit to it? That's bold of you...

Reality Check:

Next time you "go about your business," maybe you should take a moment to consider if YOU are hazardous to someone else's health and well being.

Are you a corporate lackey who's "just following instructions?" Are you an abusive sociopath thinking you're "just a demanding manager?" Is your spouse trapped by your intimidation, belittlement, passive-aggressive manipulation, paranoia and inflexibility? Are you a military general who's "just following orders?" Do you think you're "just having a little harmless fun with friends" when you joke at the expense of another person (a stranger or a "friend")? Are you cruel, callous, racist, arrogant or maybe "taking some extra latitude" and abusing your authority?

Are you, perhaps...

... a total asshole?

trying to meet with death

five thirty am. the only woman ever to show me loving behavior, asleep in my bed. i am not able to have her with me as long as i would prefer. selfish. i know it. five thirty am. she is in my bed and i am in my bathroom, fingers pressed against my neck, seeking a carotid artery. once found, fingers resting, pulsing up and down with the beat.

i didn't want to cut my vocal cords. i didn't want to dig. i just wanted to find one simple spot to open up and sit down to bleed out.

i fell to the floor.

ill.

cried.

thought of the
woman in my bed
cats, family, music, photography

cried.

i couldn't physically end my own life because it made me ill.

and this is where i am. i did not seek this. i did not choose this path.

and this is where i am.

laying at my side as i type, the only person to treat me in a loving manner. crying at each other.

it is not revenge i seek for those who have lead me to this. it isn't even justice. that's not possible. this is not what life is supposed to be. not what i should be doing at five thirty am, or typing at three fifty-five pm when i have loving kindness next to me. but it is what it is. and those that have lead me to this "place" in "my life" are many. no doubt several of them, females, have sought a meeting with death themselves.

from them, i expect nothing. what i want or wanted stopped mattering the moment they exited that space between intimate and foreign.

from the collective known as my employers, i expect the same: nothing. but i know what i want. this is not a desire for revenge. i desire to punish my victimizers. not like spanking a child. but that does have a sort of sweet sound to it when considered. physical acts are pointless. all they know is one thing: money. the only way to "injure" cruelty and greed is to take away some of its toys.

knowing the chances... i've been courting death.

if life springs forth from "woman," why wouldn't "death" be female, too?

neuroracism, defined

Pretext:
''Neuroracism'' is not (yet) a formal word. The word's purpose is to help define a currently "invisible" minority and new type of "protected class" in relation to Equal Opportunity rights, general legal protection and accommodation, and to widen the understanding of racism as a toxic anti-social behavior.

Definition:
Neuroracism is a type of racism that cannot be defined by referencing the color of a human being's skin, body shape or national/geographic origin. Neuroracism is intended to define "abuse and intolerance against those who have fundamental neurological differences from the perceived majority." Having no clear surface features, these differences frequently go unnoticed and therefore unaccommodated. They are typically not understood by, nor present in the awareness of, the general populous. When attempts to educate members of the general populous, especially those in "professional" positions (medical, educational, authority, etc.), there is great difficulty in garnering an understanding, empathy or even belief that such things exist without the "concrete" visual cues.

The prime example of neurological difference that this author feels is relevant to this topic, and has been the catalyst for the creation of this term, is Autism (all forms of autistic spectrum neurology, especially those considered ''high functioning'" as these are the individuals who are most likely to fall into the category of ''transparent, but different enough to receive unfavorable or toxic treatment from others in society'').

Commonality:
An example of a non-autistic difference in human beings, which cannot be "seen" yet is accepted and socially acceptable, could be diabetes.

Conclusion:
There is much more that can be written about the topic and many organizations have similar goals (for individual rights and awareness). It is formally requested that others in the neurodiversity communities attempt to spread the use and awareness of the term to enrich communication about this very valid and vital issue, for the benefit of all (be they "neurologically typical" or "neurologically atypical").

(Only known reference outside of myself: Kassiane)

vd, feelings and secrets

PostSecret has been quite a moving entity since day one. if you're not familiar with postsecret.com, go enjoy it now...
http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

oh...,
watch the video.

it made my eyes runny.

p.s.: love shouldn't have to be a secret, and you shouldn't have to hurt him to protect yourself from exposure of your heart.

3 impossible things before breakfast

it frequently gets up my nostrils that i have to deal with the idiocy of so-called professionals when they demonstrate their ignorance of the autism spectrum in general and AS in specific. it does so, as well, when said idiots flagrantly disregard the connections between autism and sleep disorders. most maddening is the idiotic stupidity that these fools so blindly carry about which supposes that children with AS don't become ADULTS with AS.

it is with great pleasure i bring to you this quote, found at the beginning of a research paper on AS and sleep disorders... in adults:

Until recently, the clinical and research community lived in an almost delusional belief state that "autistic children" never grow up (Klin and Volkmar 2003)
Sleep In Adults With Asperger Syndrome

i greatly disagree with "until recently," because said community is STILL in that state. but at least this author is not. you might wish to read more at the link provided above. as with most research papers, the academia bull shit takes up the majority of the document and the summary and conclusions are about 3% of the document. still, it is a rare experience, indeed, that i find anyone who is open minded and lucid enough to believe in these "impossible" concepts... especially all together.

identity

there's more to having an identity than having an image. an image needs a support structure: consistency of action, sincerity of word and depth of character. without these, image is a paltry hollow shell; a mere skin for a formless and drifting nothing. choose substance over concept. demonstrate an honest existence. "show, don't tell."

lifelong issues coming to critical mass

Hypnogogia - which is comorbid with:

Sleep Paralysis - "Some scientists have proposed this condition as a theory for alien abductions and ghostly encounters.^{[citation needed]"
Here's your citation: i'm a scientist who does primarily self/independent study/research and i have experienced the "alien abduction" scenario as described by many. It's not aliens. It's not abduction. It's hypnogogic paralysis and the regions of the brain sensing each other as foreign entities. Subjective? Sure. Correct? i'll bet you my house and studio that i'm right.}

Tinnitus - see: "Subjective Tinnitus," not "Objective Tinnitus."
At that page, a few interesting connections:

• depression
• anxiety
• fibromyalgia
• hypnogogia
• sleep paralysis

i mention fibromyalgia because of its links to Asperger's Syndrome on the mother's side of the family (namely the mother of the person with AS, like my own mother).

How is tinnitus related? Cause or effect? Comorbidity? i certainly have had sonic damage, thanks to kristin dragging me around to shows at such vile places as "The Freight Yard" where the sound system would make any audio engineer puke, when it's off. Does the tinnitus cause stimulation to regions of the brain that normally would not be "bothered" in a normal hearing setup?

Epilepsy - (this is my personal hypothesis, but there are too many connections for it not to be so)
Note the listed factors that lead to it:

Certain environmental factors can lead to an increased likelihood of seizures in someone with epilepsy or in certain syndromes, for example:

• being asleep
• the transition between sleep and wakefulness (hypnogogia)
• tiredness and sleep deprivation
• stress or anxiety
• very severe depression ...

...among the few others i edited out for relevancy in this list. Note "...or in certain syndromes..." i, personally, have:

• sleep deprivation
• stress
• anxiety
• very severe depression
• hypnogogia
• sleep paralysis

On top of all this, i have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, thanks to the sociopathic fuckwads at Kutztown University. On top of all THAT, i have a PDD, from birth. Asperger's Syndrome. My hypotheses have been validated as "good ideas" by my neurologist for sleep study and neurologist for AS. There was seizure disorder testing ordered to check on this. The seizure disorder testing "technically" produced no results.

"Technically."

i call bullshit (to quote elise).

Frankly, when a strobe light produces a compulsion to giggle, spontaneously, i call that a result. The technician said nothing of it.

The region of the brain involved with the extreme emotional depths of AS is the same area most likely stimulated into a response in that strobe light case and is also most likely the same area where i am having this "mystery brain activity" (or, to be pedantic, "brain activity of unknown etiological origin") that is kicking me out of delta sleep (because i am having super intensely toxic dreams or intrusions of memory).

Say it with me:

a-mig-da-la.

Why do i have to be the one that explains all this?? Where are the so-called professionals??

Looking through the various sources of info on these issues, it's like a trading card comparison. "Got it, got it, need it, got it..." i have a large number of comorbidities of several comorbid conditions, disorders or syndromes (but not diseases). Fuckly, i don't want any of it.

How much would you like to bet that there are references that link pervasive developmental disorders to this? For example: RETT Syndrome is a PDD and has many similar qualities to Asperger's Syndrome, to the point that i don't see why it is separate. Quote:

Rett syndrome is a neurodevelopmental disorder that is classified as a pervasive developmental disorder by the DSM-IV. Many^[1] argue that this is a misclassification just as it would be to include such disorders as fragile X syndrome, tuberous sclerosis, or Down syndrome where one can see autistic features.

i have not studied it. i know about it via Kassi, of Kassi's Brain. Since RETT Syndrome has a comorbidity of seizure disorder..... [insert likely assumption here].

The people who try to separate out all of these things and isolate them from each other are foolish. As i keep stressing, so much of this is interrelated and must be investigated and handled with that firmly in mind. You cannot observe one phenomena while excluding all others. There are even cliches for this. Vacuum, anyone??

This is where many "supposed scientists" screw up. They take the scientific method to an impossible extreme and become myopic and pedantic instead of using it to observe reality and connectivity. This stuff is spectral and interwoven. The DSM is a holy bible of bad political definitions and there are too many mindless followers of it. The current edition is almost as old as the christian bible itself.

Okay, that's hyperbole.

the romanticized drama of the end game

UPDATE 2: i copy/pasted my related ranting from here (okcupid) to down below so that readers can have the full force of my rant all on one page...

i had one of those depressing realizations, laying here not sleeping, where another facet of the borderliner girls came into focus... oh, great. more clarity on painful topics. lovely.

part of borderline personality disorder is the act of bringing on the end of a relationship. it's called the self fulfilling prophecy. what creates the prophecy?

fear.

fear of rejection, betrayal or envelopment. sometimes all three. and maybe more than just sometimes. but there's another thing there. it's a need.

i look back and i can see the end game in each of them. what i hadn't realized before this morning, nor read about in my research, is that some borderliners actually feed on the drama of a doomed relationship. no, it isn't just a case of fear. there needs to be another shot of energy. another hit of adrenaline to the borderliner's system, because they've already gotten over the "new relationship energy" as people call the excitement of the a new companion or lover. they've already gotten through the drama of the first sexual experience together. the premature declaration of love. the agony over whether or not the borderliner is loved back as they need and expect to be. yes, there is a lull and it must be filled with something substantial.

setting up the dramatic end is the bookend to the original build up of expectations and agonizing over "does this guy like me?" that thrill of first contact is bookended by the thrill of the death of the romance, or the replacement of their infatuation (thought to be love) with hate (justified by something the lover did or does).

after the newness wears off, borderliners spend a lot of time questioning whether it's "real or not" and agonizing over "how is this fated to go terribly wrong?" it's called "waiting for the other shoe to drop," a phrase i never understood until it was used in the context of borderline personality disorder. after i had gone through it a few times. maybe even started to feel those dreaded "waiting for" agonies myself.

at this point, a borderliner becomes easily let down by their current lover or agitated by things they told their current lover were non-issues, way back during the initial orientation period of "i like this and i don't like that." suddenly "this and that" change. more distressing is the reality distortion. "it was always that way, you just didn't understand" or "i thought you would change" etc.

they start reverting to old behaviors previously "outgrown." they give up on projects and resolutions established to lure you in. they start comparing you to "the last guy" ... except this time, the tale of "the last guy" isn't fierce anger. this time, they aren't building you up as "the better catch." this comparison is the "romantic regret" comparison.

sometimes (at least twice in my own experiences) borderliners even attempt to, or actually do contact the previous lover or companion. they want to hear that all is forgiven. they now wistfully accept their own "contributions" to the failure of that relationship. the borderliner needs to see if they have been absolved of the damage they did, somehow no longer feeling quite as justified in their anger and hate as before. to maintain consistency with how you used to be an example of "how much they've grown since the last guy," they will describe this romantic regret as "wisdom and growth."

it's not.

it's just another one of the steps on the infinite stairwell of their cyclic behavior.

"he was polite, but he made it clear we were never going to be friends," she said to me.

i wondered why she had even tried to contact him. it worried me. i wasn't sure why, but i knew it wasn't fear of her going back to him. i sensed something more complicated. even though i thought she was bipolar at the end, i ended up seeing things a lot more clearly later on. bipolar would almost be a comfort because bpd is a complex system of setup, opportunism and rejection and demoralization. bipolar, in comparison, is almost comparable to a mood swing, and they can recover from it without swapping lovers out. borderliners make a complex and specific process out of each and every step of the cycle.

and they have to take that next step because they need the next shot of adrenaline and the next rush of "feeling." without it, they feel that something is missing or wrong because the high has gone and they have never achieved stability before and don't comprehend the concept nor know what it might feel like. all they can do is compare "now" to "before" and see the disparity between the stable "now" and the exciting "before."

"... but jace, you just don't seem to... you know."

no i don't know! you haven't told me!

apparently i just didn't seem to... you know.

"be the right one?"
"act like you love me?"

"behave as i expect you to?"

yep, that's the one. it isn't what she would have said, but it's what she was actually doing. she was turning the stability into a letdown. a letdown that sets up the beginning of the end.

when the old lover (or lovers) start getting a kinder and gentler appearance in the way they are painted, or when they reach out to them looking to possess some "friendship" as a prize to prove the damage they did wasn't so bad after all... when they start sounding wistful and melancholic and your very existence is no longer filling them with "love," "life" and "brilliant color" ... know that they are romanticizing the end of your relationship.

what's the connection between romanticizing the end and a kinder image of the previous guy? i'm not sure. maybe some the part of the borderline personality feels oncoming guilt for where they're headed. they can't put it where it belongs because that would mean that they are responsible for that oncoming doom. it is far more preferable to make the other party be the enemy than for the borderliner to be the seen as an impatient, intolerant, unloving bad guy, kicking away this latest lover for no real or rational reason. they have to find somewhere to go with this feeling... why not become all wistful and melancholic about the previous guy and soften the guilt by "exchanging it" for an older, safer event that is already in the past? re-association. re-assignment.

sounds plausible. i think there's still a piece of this part of the cycle i'm not getting. it doesn't fit quite right firmly. maybe instead of re-assigning the emotions, it is part of demonizing the current companion by making him seem worse than the others. i'm not sure. it might be a variation from one borderliner to the next.

still... this romanticizing of the end is definitely going on. some borderliners drag it out, with a mixture of intolerance for the current companion and self-loathing. some choose total hard-core hate and intolerance for the current "looser boyfriend" or "the asshole controlling/manipulating/holding back my life." sometimes they oscillate between the two.

but they are building up energy. driving up the emotions, piling on the anxiety so they can have that orgasm of the final moment. the grand "this is over!" the angry ones will just make you out to be worse than everyone else. the passive-aggressive ones will literally drive you mad enough to make the break yourself. either way, it's your fault, not theirs.

at best, you may get the "i still want us to be friends" bullshit. and the "it just wasn't meant to be" tripe. notice the romanticized fate breaking you apart... it wasn't her fault, really... and even though she said some unkind things, and/or pushed you into saying unkind things... it's "just the best thing for everyone" that it went down this way. oh yeah, sure. it had nothing at all to do with the complex set of expectations and demands that you propped up in your head, only informed me of about half of those expectations, or simply changed them after the fact, and then acted like i let you down or betrayed you. right.

at worst, you become the evil bastard they will vilify before the ears of every person who crosses their path from that point on, until... well, until they need to displace you from the throne of "worst guy ever" so that someone else can sit there.

how do you know which one you're going to get? look at the inbetweener. she probably told you about him. was he a quick mistake and a dismissed jerk or was he some poor misunderstanding that they tell you "i think i hurt him..." with the sympathy a non-pet owner gives to a co-worker's dead cat or dog?

"aw, poor thing. too bad about that. oh well, you know they just don't live as long as we do. you know eventually you have to let go and just get another one."

like with sex, the "cool off period" between orgasm, or shots of the drug of drama, vary between individuals. some will go cold and declare "never again!" (or use the near term equivalent "it'll be a long time before i ever love again, that's for sure!"). these are the lazy ones. others will head for a different destination to get the drug from a different source. this type of borderliner is the thrill seeker. the runaway. brilliant schemes and grand plans. time to travel. time to do "all those things he held me back from doing."

either way, the borderliner will find a way to still fulfill their short term needs. there's the thrill seeking, the drama, the casual sex and the poor, wretched inbetweener.

hmm... thinking about it, maybe the inbetweener is just a less important, convenience lover that gets caught up in a smaller, shorter round of the borderline game. i don't know.

like i said... "just call me Treg."


and, lest you think i'm a horrible awful man for all these declarations and bitter "judgments..."

i, unlike those who put me through their meat processor, possess empathy for their shitty situation. really, how long will they continue this mad cycle and how many times will they chew through lover after lover? it's not that they consciously WANT to harm or hurt. it's not that they consciously seek out the downs and the fears and the anxieties. their experiences have wired them up for hurrying things along. defense mechanism. their experiences have wired them up with addiction to that thrill and the rush of one drama or the other. the worst are the ones who have been brought to this point by physical and/or sexual abuse.

i know these things, too. i comprehend them. they interfere with my bitterness and keep me from being hateful. not that i haven't sent a set of hate mails in response to being toyed around and ground up... i admit it. but i know what's really going on and i know why. worst of all (for me) is that i still love them. i love who they claimed to be. i don't know if that claim is a real person or not, but it's the only thing i have that's any good, so i hold on to it. bitterly and ... sigh ... wistfully.

actually, there IS a scenario in which their behavior is intentional and conscious: a borderliner can progress only so far before they are aware of their own steps and procedures and either chooses to get help and change... or decide that they have finally found clarity and control by simply using all the experiences they've had as a map for how to manipulate people. not just lovers. friends. co-workers. employees.

this is when the borderline personality has gone from solid borderline stimulus-response to Sociopathy. willful anti-social behavior for personal satisfaction or personal gain. no longer motivated by fear (except the ego and fear of being called out for what they are), they are motivated by lust, greed, the need for accomplishment... whatever.

these are the people i have no empathy for. once someone starts to willingly manipulate another person, for personal gain, they no longer deserve humane treatment because they are actively behaving in an inhumane and socially destructive manner. a wound deserves treatment and care, but a knife requires a sheath.

or better yet,

something to dull its cutting edge.

But... then we're no longer discussing borderline personality disorder. so thus ends this particular rant.

Here's the related rant from my journal at OKC:

The Sudden Departure

i've noted that this is the exact type who broke me a few years back. i noted just today that they changed the wording a little. It used to say something along the lines of "no doubt, there's somewhat of a trail of wreckage behind you..." That was part of what made the type's description so dead on. Why the change?

i call her elise. Through her, i call myself "Treg." Yes, another piece of wreckage behind her, preceding myself. Where there are two, there are likely to be more. A trail of it. i'm sure it didn't stop with me.

To all of you sudden departures and elise's out there: your problem is most likely your fear of envelopment and rejection. Basically, you "get scared" (to quote elise) and back out just when things are moving along nicely... but you've had some time to think... or you're waiting to actually make contact. Yeah, that's when the fear and anxiety seeps in. TIME. Too much time without disaster... WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT?? That's when the borderline personality disorder takes over. The lust. The runaway. The jealousy. Whatever. That's when you toss away a perfectly decent lover/potential lover, toss him a half-cooked story of fate and misunderstanding and other such BS that comes from you wanting not to feel like you're what you are: "the bad guy."

Here's a tip: evolve. Get help. Try some sincere apologies, too. If you try to spend the entirety of your life with this behavior, you will end up miserable. More miserable than you are right now in the core of your being (that little place, compacted and pushed down and hidden where you store all your hurt... the little gem of hate and brutality you bring out in order to drive your current no-longer-interesting companion into becoming "the bad guy" so you don't have to be). You will end up miserable alone or miserable in a sudden attempt to escape the fate you fear the most: being alone.

"i'm lonely!" she complained to me.

Maybe if you admitted to it, and spent some time being personally responsible for your actions... and maybe if you actually spent some time really, actually ALONE, you would get a little further along than "leaving soon." And really, with the casual sex, the friendsex, the one night stands, the lovers, the boyfriends, the "not-boyfriends," "not lovers" and all other spectra of labels... you really haven't BEEN ALONE. Not really.