Sunday, July 13, 2008

ASHAMED to be an "American," part one

i want to be dead.
dead dead dead.
kill me kill me kill me.

is that statement going to get me more home invasions and forced medication by ignorant motherfuckers called "the law" and "people who care?"
You stupid bastards....

if i had the strength (and money), i would start a legal battle against 201, 302, and 304. Fuck, i don't even know what "law" these sections come from. They are designed to remove your civil rights. How is that a just law?

Our constitution is a pile of lies because it's been amended to uselessness and laws have been created to obfuscate, block and side-step it. The pursuit of life, LIBERTY and HAPPINESS. FUCKING BULLSHIT.

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Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Punish the Suicidal Instead of Helping Them

UPDATED HERE: NowPublic.com (re-dated for the day i was released from hospitalization prison)

Instead of asking ourselves how we contributed to the choice of self termination (or how we complacently did nothing - how we maybe could have helped prevent it, as a society, in general), let's call them sick and selfish! Let us, in our arrogance and antipathy, rush them along to the end! (Joe calls this the "Feeding Frenzy: people don't kick people WHEN they're down, they kick them BECAUSE they're down.")

What if you have everything that makes you who you are taken from you?What if your every waking and sleeping moment is filled with memories of rejection, harassment, abuse, or never feeling allowed to just plain be a part of society? How fucking righteous would you really be when all you can remember is cold, heartless disinterest or outright cruelty? See what choices YOU make when you have only ONE left that offers relief.

But no, we don't accept suicide as an option. No sir, not in this nation. Suicide is selfish and stupid. Just like abortion is selfish and stupid. Just like being vegetarian is stupid and pointless.

Suicide isn't painless, but maybe more people need to LISTEN TO ACTUAL SUICIDAL PEOPLE; practice EMPATHY! Discover why suicide becomes hope for relief.

fuck it; people still don't even believe in Asperger's Syndrome. Comprehending suicide as freedom is even more difficult to grasp.

disturbed (a "short summary" of what disturbs me about this world)

http://dysamoria.com/blog/2007/12/disturbed.html

"Google" search "suicide" (go to "Read This First")
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=suicide&btnG=Google+Search

Here's a PERFECT excerpt from the above "Read This First" page:
"Start by considering this statement:

“Suicide is not chosen; it happens
when pain exceeds
resources for coping with pain.”

That’s all it’s about. You are not a bad person, or crazy, or weak, or flawed, because you feel suicidal. It doesn’t even mean that you really want to die - it only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now. If I start piling weights on your shoulders, you will eventually collapse if I add enough weights... no matter how much you want to remain standing. Willpower has nothing to do with it. Of course you would cheer yourself up, if you could.

Don’t accept it if someone tells you, “that’s not enough to be suicidal about.” There are many kinds of pain that may lead to suicide. Whether or not the pain is bearable may differ from person to person. What might be bearable to someone else, may not be bearable to you. The point at which the pain becomes unbearable depends on what kinds of coping resources you have. Individuals vary greatly in their capacity to withstand pain.

When pain exceeds pain-coping resources, suicidal feelings are the result. Suicide is neither wrong nor right; it is not a defect of character; it is morally neutral. It is simply an imbalance of pain versus coping resources.

You can survive suicidal feelings if you do either of two things: (1) find a way to reduce your pain, or (2) find a way to increase your coping resources. Both are possible." - © Copyright 1995-2006 Martha Ainsworth. All rights reserved.

1. My reduction of pain, or attempts thereof, have been to seek to understand people better so as to work with them better. i tried my damned hardest to harmonize at work with a sociopath who was impossible to please.

2. My attempts at increasing my coping mechanisms have been through art and other solitary activities. These no longer work because the big issue is isolation and loneliness. So i have sought companionship (from females, in a romantic sense). Somehow, i manage to locate just the right people who say all the right things to me up front... and become someone else later. They blame ME for their changed attitude like the mason blames the stone.

UPDATE 2: from a comment on NowPublic by an editor:
jordan at 10:41 on July 10th, 2008
The Golden Gate Bridge has a suicide-prevention hotline phone on the city-side approach. Sometimes it's out of order!

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Tuesday, July 01, 2008

repeat

NOTE: this is a repeat, i think.


days, hours
months, or
something

these are the end days
my end days, for your fun
now i will push as far as i can

there's not much left to do
nor give, 'sides my heart,
with its wretched limits, too

so, push
shove
crawl right up in my face

i owe you the blood
the pain
and tears

wasted on you

all my strain was for you
if you care
which you don't

so

suckle right up till the white
becomes red
empty me out, and be fed

these are the end days
of a battle i never embraced
it's your fantasy, to rule or destroy

and you have done to me
the worst of both worlds

so push, crawl, shove,
and with teeth, be sure to chew and injest
infest your distress upon me

these are my end days
closer than i hoped they would be
and oh so much more real, now

but i know i was better than you
oh i know i was much better than most

well...

i know i was much better than you.

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Friday, June 27, 2008

example of my "best friends" from "the old days"

This is a demonstration of my life and only aimed at Dave.

Dave Brinton wrote to me:

I am taking a week's vacation next week. I will be in Allentown from the 30th until the the 6th. For the most part it will just be me and Sam. Erin has to work and isn't coming up until the weekend. You and I are going to the movies on Tuesday. No arguments. No late night showings either. Matinee. The sun will be out. Sam takes her naps from noon to 2pm. That is when we are going. Just you and I.

You will change your sleeping schedule (or lack thereof) as necessary. You will take whatever drugs you feel are necessary. But you will be ready to go to a Noonish movie. We will be going to the best theatre in the valley. The new Saucon Valley Rave. Digital Projection. Professional sound.

This is not a debate. This is not a request.

I will call you Monday with the details. Whether you answer the phone or not is irrelevant. I will be there Tuesday to pick you up. Distance and time is not a factor. If I have to pick you up at 11 to make a 12:45 show then that is what I will do.

I will be there Tuesday. You will be ready. This is not an intervention, just a simple statement of fact.

Please, do not force me break into your home and drag you to the the theatre. I've been trained to do both and I can come armed if you feel that is what it will take.

As for what we're seeing and as a final statement, well, here's a hint: "You won't like me if i'm angry"
"YOU WILL [this]" and "YOU WILL [that]"

A friend of mine replied to Dave:
Hi Dave,

I'm a friend of Jace's, and he forwarded your email to me. If he disagrees with what I write, then he will say so, but I think he sent your message to me so that I could give you feedback on your plan to drag him out to a movie.

You have a plan that would work for a person like you. When you're feeling down it probably helps when someone drags you out to a movie. It distracts you from the problem that's got you down and allows you a moment of perspective to see that the rest of your life is still there, waiting for you to pay attention to it.

You want to help Jace feel better, so it seems like a good thing to do for him. I think your determination is heartwarming.

However, Jace is not a normal guy, and he's not just feeling down, and the rest of his life is not waiting for him. This plan is likely to backfire horrifically. Please don't carry through with it.

You have a thread of friendship based on a positive shared past and Jace is grateful that you still care about him. But he is a very different person now, and much more fragile than you imagine - possibly more fragile than you CAN imagine. (If you read about what it feels like to be depressed and to have PTSD and to have sensory overload problems, then maybe you'll get close to imagining it.)

It's much safer for Jace and you and your friendship if you give up the idea that you can make him feel better. It's not in your power. I wish I could tell you something positive or helpful to do instead, but I can't think of anything.

The bearer of sad news,
[name]
Dave's response:
The thing is [name]. I do not know you. No offense, but why exactly should I take your advice? Maybe I don't know Jace anymore, but I definitely don't know you.

I come to the area where he lives with enough time to visit someone else besides family maybe once a year. So if you are the person that makes decisions for him then I will need to hear that from him.

I've been friends with Jace since 3rd grade. I think i'm the only person left who falls into that category.

He does not owe me anything. I do not demand anything of him (well beyond being conscious, clothed, and preferably not smelling, but I guess I can overlook the last part).

Since as far as I can tell he can still see moving pictures and speak the English language he has all the requirements needed to at least understand the film, if not necessarily enjoy it.

Jace and I don't need a heart to heart. I'm not going to try and 'cure' him or any of that nonsense. I want to go see a movie with someone I ate paste with in kindergarten. I want to watch some big CG green guy yell 'Hulk Smash' while I suck down a 64oz. of my favorite beverage.

When not actively watching the film. My topics of conversation were probably going to revolve around Dr. Who, LEGO's new product line, and other Sci-Fi and Sci-Fi related topics. I'll even talk string theory if he wants, though that was another of our friend's specialties not mine.

About the only time we won't be talking is during the movie. Then i'll need him to shut the hell up. I hate people who talk during a movie.

About the only topics we never saw eye to eye on were music and women.

Which brings me back to you. Why exactly should I take your advice?

If Jace is planning on his life being over then I can at least rest easy knowing he's got 'Hulk Smash' stuck in his head like a bad song.

i replied:
because i asked her (or someone out of the four people who care to handle me a little bit more empathetic online than anyone in the real world) to do something. because my last EEG proved useless. because i have no credit. because i have no job. because i have no way to clear my reputation because of some FUCKING CUNT named will jefferson at KU FUCKED UP MY LIFE. because i was having my sewer back up in the basement. because the girl i'd been seeing just vanished (this is the second time now that someone i've been seeing has done this to me).

because i was not, and am still not, able to communicate (only i napped a bit between thena nd now) because if you force my hand, i will lose it.

"No offense, but" is the exact kind of insensitivity i cannot deal with, joking or not and i do believe i asked you to stop with the joking when i'm hurting. [There are plenty of other veiled insults and passive aggressive commentary in there that hides as "just joking - i'm NOT joking]

if you want to do something constructive, use your resources to fuck over jefferson, or tell [name] how WE can do so. Like, for example: is it public record to find out why someone left the military? i think jefferson was an insubordinate asshole, but that's not his story.

otherwise.... that's all for now
Passive-Aggressive, Holier Than Thou Response from Dave:
Fine. just forget that I asked.

An individual's military records are confidential and personal information. As such they are not public record and are exempt from even the Freedom of Information Act. I cannot give you that information and you cannot access it. Only a court order would gain a civilian access to those files. [all i needed to know]

[but that wasn't enough to beat me into the dirt] Regardless, I will not abuse my position for any kind of personal vendetta. [if you want to know about personal vendetta's you should research what jefferson did to ME which OUR STATE ALLOWED and FACILITATED]

Be careful who you send your emails to and the language they contain. Like the original one that started all this.

Sending it to the White House was not a good idea.
OUTRAGED ME:
so fucking kill me then!

i never asked you to abuse your position, Dave. i've asked people to make use of their resources before and never once asked them to abuse their positions.

"the original one that started all this..."

FUCK.

no have you fucking clue where this all started. maybe all my fucking life growing up with people like you taking the moral and masculine high ground has something to do with it when i played along and did everything i was told to do and i GOT FUCKED UP THE ASS. you're always so FUCKING ENTITLED, GODDAMN IT. i had a fucking career while you and everyone else were in school, now i have fucking NOTHING. you wanna take the moral high ground, FUCK YOU.

and fuck the white house.

i've had all the support from this fucking country i can stand.
AND
i didn't take ANY of this as funny. you know why, Dave? because this is how i've been treated my whole life. not asked. TOLD. not invited, DEMANDED and EXPECTED. There's never an alternative for people like you who have no empathy for the situations of others.

talk about watching what you say in emails......... fucking hypocrite. you "have been trained and can come armed if that's what it takes." bullet, in brain stem. go for it!

should i forward THIS to the useless whitehouse?

FUCK YOU!

[do they do sensitivity training in the FBI??]

AND MORE from me:

im sick of it, Dave. this is why i don't associate with john and tammy any more.

no one has a fucking bit of empathy and yet i[m the one that gets the pop-media bullet point "CAN'T EMPATHIZE"



FUCK YOU ALL

AND STILL MORE BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE THROWING UP
you just hve no fucking clue, do you?????

come on, send me some more passive aggressive blame. i love it.

you ever gone weeks at a time without sleep or rest? suffered learning

disabilities that people told you were YOUR OWN PERSONAL ATTITUDE

PROBLEM?? BEEN REFUSED MEDICAL HELP???
F U C K Y O U
And another voice from people who GET IT:
Dave,
You said you wanted to help Jace. The best thing you can do if you truly value his friendship is to back off for a while and learn about the neurological differences between him and you. Jace is a good person. He is a very loving and caring person. It seems to be far more difficult for men to understand AS and the difficulties he has had than it is for women to empathize with him [i beg to differ, since all women who i've dealt with were just as intolerant but hid it until they were ready to leave me]. I will not speculate in this case why that is so. But please, even if you are angry right now, do not respond to him until you have done some outside reading about Asperger's Syndrome and PTSD.

[name]

P. S. You don't know me either, but I know what I am talking about.

remember, help isn't something offered; it's something inflicted by those who want you not to be different from them.

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Thursday, May 29, 2008

force them to comply via embarassment

This is a follow-up to the previous blog entry...

Today i received three emails in response to my mass mailing. First, chronologically, was from the hospital. A technician informed me that they changed their software and could provide me with a CD with my raw data on it (like i had asked, over a year ago, but was told this was not possible). the second email, chronologically, was from Joe Doria at Covidien. i wont even attempt to describe. just read it below:

Jace,

As I have always said, the issue of patient data, and viewing patient data is between you and the Sleep Lab.

I have copied JoBeth at the lab, and she will be contacting you directly. I understand that they have offered to have you come into the sleep lab to review the record with the staff but you have not done so.

I would appreciate it if you dealt directly with your doctor, and with the sleep lab in the future for any requests which pertain to your confidential patient information.

Respectfully,

Joe Doria

i replied with the following:

"Respectfully??" Not even close, Mr. Doria. Even in your last email, you STILL refused to answer the same damn question i've asked sensibly and politely for over a year.

Jobeth emailed me prior to your email. She informed me that the software they have at this time allows me to take my data home on a CD for viewing on my own computer. Things apparently changed since the original test, but because YOU were uncooperative and refused to answer my very simple question about the software, and because you refused to facilitate understanding of your company's product between both parties, NOTHING was accomplished for over a year. YOU were contacted to determine if there was a technical limitation or a misunderstanding by the technicians at the hospital. You were not contacted to deal with "confidential patient information." That's patently absurd. You simply refused to cooperate for whatever reason (i can only imagine; laziness, sociopathy, apathy, disinterest...).

Unprofessional and unkind.

Don't claim to sympathize. i don't want your last minute hollow words of customer service. Don't give me the passive-aggressive argument that i "refused to go in to the doctor office to review my data." This is nonsense. There is no basis in fact for such nonsense because it is completely outside the context of my inquiry. You would know that if you comprehended my request from day one (or 20). i can only assume it's an attitude problem on your part; if you had taken a few minutes to actually deal with my very specific inquiry, this would have probably been finished a year ago.

There is no reason why i should have had to send a mass email throughout Covidien just to get this resolved. This was my last resort after dealing with a year of deadlocked stonewalling from you. Your handling of this has been unprofessional and rude and you've clearly been forced to take the action you should have taken previously.

You've clearly demonstrated an incapacity to empathize with the feelings and emotions of other human beings and such a personality has no sense of ever doing wrong. You don't belong in a position relating to the handling of technology for human health care. Unless you're going to admit your wrongdoing and apologize, just stay silent from this point on. There's clearly nothing you can (or will) do for me and this is my final message to you. Hopefully someone of authority over you has now noticed your lack of customer service and communication skills. It didn't have to go down this way. This is your doing. It doesn't take an autistic genius to figure that out.

-jace cavacini

i copied this to the kind person at the hospital and to the person who sent me the third message, chronologically: a person responding to my complaint of ethical concerns to the Covidien Board of Directors. i explained to her that her message demonstrated that she did not read the actual email exchange between myself and Doria because she quoted the same irrellivent nonsense Doria did (that i was asking them to provide my "confidential patient information."

How do these people even get EMPLOYMENT when they have such poor reading comprehension and why the HELL am i the one who lost my employment when incompetent people like Joe Doria are able to work for multi-billion-dollar corporations in HEALTH CARE??

Below is the exchange between myself and Gina Spencer of Covidien:

From: jace
Sent: Thursday, May 29, 2008 4:40 AM
To: #Grants Administrator; Young, David; Lannum, Cole; McMillan, Wayde; #Covidien Investor Relations; #Covidien Board of Directors
Subject: [Fwd: Re: Thank you for responding, but i still need some confirmation: Re: FW: at least have the decency to RESPOND THIS TIME]

Please examine this communication exchange and tell me if Joe Doria is behaving in the way that your company thinks is "Socially Responsible," "compassionate," and "accountable" (among other self-congratulatory terms)...

i notice that your "socially responsible" and "accountable" board of directors and management have self-congratulatory bios, but not a single contact method (phone or email).

also, i still need a direct and relevant answer to my very important question.
--------

Spencer's reply (she was not one of the addressed):

Dear Mr. Cavacini:

I am in receipt of your e-mail dated May 29, 2008, to the Covidien Board of Directors. This is indeed the correct contact method to notify the Board of Directors and Senior Management of any ethical concerns.

Regarding your message to Mr. Doria and subsequently to the Board of Directors (et. al.), Covidien is the manufacturer of the Sandman equipment, but we do not have access to patient data. It would be inappropriate for us obtain your data from the lab to fulfill your request because there are laws that govern patient privacy, and we will not violate those laws.

I believe Mr. Doria has arranged for the sleep lab to help fulfill your request. It is my understanding that Mr. Doria has arranged with JoBeth Newhard of the LHV Sleep Disorders Center to provide you with your data in a portable format. I was forwarded a copy of an e-mail sent to you on May 29th from Ms. Newhard that outlines how you may take advantage of this opportunity.

I believe this settles your matter in a positive manner, which is hopefully acceptable to you. Good luck with your pursuit of this matter and, of course, your health.

Sincerely,

Gina Spencer
Ombudsman

Please note new E-Mail address: gina.spencer@covidien.com

That's right, folks... these people have employment and comfort while i have disability checks that don't cover my living expenses after sociopathic people (such as will jefferson and sharon picus at Kutztown University and these Covidien people) ruined my ability to function via passive-aggressive harassment, abuse and illegal behavior. Yes. jace loses. The disabled person loses to the privileged people.

Fucking spectacular.

As i asked previously: when did this become acceptable business practice? This nation is going down the toilet because passive-aggressive people win.

Don't let them. This is YOUR FUCKING COUNTRY.

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passive-aggressive neighborhoods...

my father and i worked on my lawn today after he brought me home from a check of my ambulatory EEG wiring at hospital.
Yesterday, after he dropped me off from the hospital, i pulled tall grass with my hands (while wearing my EEG) because i my trimmer batteries needed charging. i respect the responsibility to take care of my yard in how it affects my neighbors; why make anyone tromp through grass between their vehicles and the sidewalk?

... Back to today...


As has happened EVERY TIME i've worked on my yard, from day ONE at my house, while i was trimming, my elderly neighbor Anna came out to harass me. She stood on my yard, approached me, attempting to "talk" to me. i wore ear plugs to protect from the trimmer noise. i KNEW Anna was there to harass me. i tried to ignore her. Finally, i could no tolerate no more.


i turned off the trimmer and faced her (she was only one foot from me already). i didn't get a chance to talk before she started "asking" if i was going to "remove those weeds over there" (pointing to the area i had previously started cleaning up BY HAND, while wearing an EEG, YESTERDAY).
i told her "Do you see me working here?"
She replied "Yes, but-"

i interrupted with: "i am working on my yard."
She then started AGAIN to complain and i again interrupted her:
"i'm taking care of my responsibility. Go back to your own place."
She tried to "win" an argument i was not having by telling me "Never mind" and then walked away.
About 15 to 20 minutes later, Anna was "conspicuously whispering" to another neighbor; i felt the "spidey sense tingling" ... seemed she was complaining about me. The second woman politely gave "mmm hmm" responses without words.

On the opposite side of me lives Dotty/Dorothy, the other elderly neighbor who has harassed me. She's not bothered me in months, though she ignored the hell outta me walking past me as i was sweeping-up HER side of the walkway.

Anna has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and is passive-aggressive. Dotty is passive-aggressive and maybe has OCD a bit, too. i know this because of three years of ob
servation. i personally feel Anna's argumentative and passive-aggressive personality is what put her husband in the ground.

These types of behavior are extremely toxic. Especially to me. It's exactly what i dealt with at KU. It 's what i suffered most of my life while trying to "be the good boy" and do as people instructed. Trying to comply with passive-aggressive people lost me my job because these people cannot be satisfied.

Not Ever.

The next time Anna harasses me, i'll contact the police and pr
ess harassment charges. i cannot continue to allow people free reign over me like this, whether they are "old" or not. OCD and passive-aggressive disorder aren't just "old age problems." They're anti-social disorders, as in "anti society." i'm doing more than my part, trying to fit into society. i don't see why i should suffer anti-social harassments and abuses by people who skate just along the edge of legality when they strike... just because "they're old" or because they're "not breaking the law conspicuously."

"Bullying isn't illegal" - Sharon Picus,
HR Manager, Kutztown University, Sociopath.

i believe i have the right to live and work in non-hostile environments. That right at work was violated. i won't continue allowing it to be violated in my own goddamned yard WHIL
E i am COMPLYING with the requirements of the society.

OCD reference
Passive-aggressive reference
Malicious_compliance (related to above and what i've suffered)
Sociopathy reference (not a great reference but best i could find quickly and better than Wiki's because Wiki's pedantic and inflexible nature of not including information that's not agreed to by the shitty DSM-IV TR. More about sociopathy on my blog).


(00:35 - heart palpitation, sitting on shitter, typing these recent blogs on laptop)

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Monday, March 31, 2008

warning: you may be dangerous to the person sitting next to you

You never considered that, did you? You don't live in your own private world. Your actions affect others. You may think that "being anti-social" means a person is unwilling to socialize... You're wrong, if so. If you've ever been called anti-social by a doctor, therapist or your kids (and if they know what they're talking about), it means that you have behaviors which disrupt the systems that make societies possible. It means that your behavior threatens the fabric of society itself. It means this: you're toxic. Maybe even outright dangerous.

BPD, sociopathy, psychopathy... barely acknowledged by "modern medicine..." These topics are "defined" by political works of reference, which are created by politicized committees, which are made up of people focused on their own agendas. Does that sound social to you?

What "the establishment" seems blind to when they define these dangerous behaviors are things such as simple arrogance, elitism, racism and ignorance. It's all defective behavior and it all endangers the fabric of society. Some of it has the label of "anti-social personality disorder" and is possibly "medicated" or "advised." The rest of it is considered "bad attitude" or "difference of opinion" and goes unchecked, unfiltered and largely without limitation because it isn't perceived as dangerous (or "deviant," but even the people who own deviantart.com seem to be utterly, and absurdly, ignorant about what the word "deviant" actually means).

Yes, the delimiter is the perception of "danger to others." Freedom of speech is protected as a right. Supposedly. Hate speech is not protected and can be found illegal, depending on the form. Does that logically mean that racists who openly "express their opinions" about other people are breaking the law? No. Some racists even manage to have their "freedom of speech" protected by the law... enabling them to wear culturally offensive "uniforms" (many with hoods for the protection of anonymity) and collect in "peaceful demonstration" of their intolerance of other human beings.

Confused? i sure am. But hey, i'm just a stupid autistic "kid" (i'm 32, you moron).

But wait... go back to that whole "Dangerous" bit... The anti-social "KKK" marchers who are "peacefully demonstrating" their hate... well, they aren't hurting anyone, are they? Is there any assault or even name calling? Maybe not, but what would you feel like if their "presentation" was a veiled suggestion that people like YOU should be legally enslaved or "deported" like your great grandfather/mother? Does that hurt you?

What is "hurt??" Is that the same thing you feel when you're assaulted physically??

i'll help clear that up in a moment. First, consider this:

A psychopath is clearly dangerous to individuals, should one determine he/she feels like killing or maiming other human beings or being "cruel" to animals (yet, a dog's owner is legally allowed to murder it, as long as it isn't done in a "cruel" way).

What about the girl with BPD who causes emotional trauma to person after person after person, out of sheer paranoia and self interest? The trail of ruined hearts and minds left in their wake is not worth consideration?? What about the ignorant university employees who pass judgment on, and are complacent about the harassment of, a person with autism, resulting in the unjust loss of that autistic person's job? (yeah, that's me, the autistic person, could you guess?)

What about the company executive (seemingly clearly sociopathic, to me) who allows the deaths of hundreds, or even thousands, at the failure of a product he/she is responsible for because of a "cost/risk analysis?" What about the responsibility-free individuals that make up a government which instructs its teenage military to wage war on others for... what were those wars about, again? Certainly not about spreading peace, human dignity, "democracy" or any other pretty words...

Why do these people remain free to repeat and continue their damage? Are they invisible? Excusable?? Psychopaths do tend to make themselves known, eventually, and it is harder to ignore them... but the others... the BPD girl, the corporate executive, the murderous war monger... they aren't at all invisible. Killing and destruction of societies, en mass... yet they go largely unchallenged. There's a lot of talk, when something manages to become a "controversy," but who is ultimately held accountable? Anyone at all? Is there REALLY a "court of public opinion" when most citizens of this nation (and others) are complacent, apathetic and callous to the suffering of ... the human being next to them?

i ask "Why do they remain free when the psychopaths are jailed and removed from society?"

i'll tell you why: Definitions.

Nothing more.

That sociopathic company man, supervisor or president of the USA go unchallenged because the law (obeyed or not) does not recognize them as being dangerous to society or individuals in that society. It's incredible, when you look at the actual details instead of the distractions.

What about you? Are you a contributor to peace and harmony or a bringer of chaos and distress? Does it please you to please others or does it please you to play political games? You know... shift and manipulate power structures to benefit your own personal agenda. Do you like that? Do you openly admit to it? That's bold of you...

Reality Check:

Next time you "go about your business," maybe you should take a moment to consider if YOU are hazardous to someone else's health and well being.

Are you a corporate lackey who's "just following instructions?" Are you an abusive sociopath thinking you're "just a demanding manager?" Is your spouse trapped by your intimidation, belittlement, passive-aggressive manipulation, paranoia and inflexibility? Are you a military general who's "just following orders?" Do you think you're "just having a little harmless fun with friends" when you joke at the expense of another person (a stranger or a "friend")? Are you cruel, callous, racist, arrogant or maybe "taking some extra latitude" and abusing your authority?

Are you, perhaps...

... a total asshole?

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a company is a group of persons...

...as such, they should conduct business the same way as they would conduct themselves face to face with other people.

they don't, by large.

the reason?

anonymity.

especially when beyond arm's length. over the phone. via the internet. whatever.

if they conducted themselves face to face as they conduct themselves with their customers in their safe anonymity, they would have no friends, lovers or social acceptance. they might even be assaulted or arrested.

companies are exempt from certain legal obligations that individual human beings are held accountable for. is that sensible to you? a company is a group of persons... not held accountable for many of their actions. is that fair?

as several independent contractors i've noted have said in public forums: "If I behaved that way to my customers, i'd be out of business. Fast."

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Tuesday, February 19, 2008

kutztown threats

yes, KU called the police to my house once again. i opened the window and i stood my fucking ground because i know my goddamned rights and they have to be careful. they kept trying to get me to the door to talk. i know that trick. they threatened to call crisis intervention. i stood my motherfucking ground.

and here's anothe fuckin' picture

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mass blocking of flickr staff invited

i have blocked staff on flickr. staff Michelle seems to be gone. maybe she quit. maybe she was fired for embarrassing flicker and/or Yahoo.

i invite everyone to block every staff member who ever harassed you.

so far, i have blocked:

Stewart
caterina
heather
George

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you asked for it, now you got it

william fucking jefferson, sharon fucking picus

YOU FUCKING OWE ME, YOU BLOOD SUCKING SOCIOPATHIC FUCKS! jace cavacini is a HUMAN BEING WITH RIGHTS which YOU VIOLATED
YOU OWE ME MILLIONS!!!!

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Sunday, December 30, 2007

not looking forward

this is what "new year's" means to me. the painful passage of time. entropy. memories of what was, what could have been, what wasn't and will never be. loss, failure, ruined potential.
new year [x] not looking forward [x] the past gets worse each year [x] past [x] present [x] future [x] purgatory [x] failure [x] loss [x] loneliness [x] alone [x] lost [x] adrift [x] loved from a distance [x] separate [x] not enough to live on [x] not enough human contact [x] desire [x] hope [x] wishes [x] wants [x] needs [x] missing things [x] missing sensations [x] more of the same [x] i hate this holiday [x] drug me through it [x] visit me [x] spend the time with me [x] hate this holiday with me [x] watch DVDs with me [x] desperate [x] loser [x] desperate male loser [x] autism [x] Asperger's Syndrome [x] nothing new will come of this [x] i am alone [x] bankruptsy [x] disaster [x] money means nothing except paying for my rights [x] i have no rights [x] beautiful women don't need me [x] beautiful women aren't usually kind women [x] another year after the destruction of my life [x] another year counted after disasters [x] women [x] monsters [x] selfishness [x] girls [x] they ruin me and i still want them [x] i'm fucking stupid [x] jana [x] elise [x] judy [x] dana [x] sairuh [x] "the phone sex terrorists" [x] all of them [x] ruiners [x] and here i am, wanting and alone [x] stupid fucking autistic boy [x] his beauty doesn't matter [x] his love doesn't matter [x] (nor his ability to love) his mind doesn't matter [x] his heart doesn't matter [x] his flesh doesn't matter [x] his sex doesn't matter [x] burn it all [x]
it hurts like a lover who has just told you that she/he is leaving you.

i was free of it for about six years, but my "life mate" was really a "opportunist" and i really had nothing in the end.

elise promised... oh how she promised and promised... and she ditched me a week before even SEEING me.

it hurts, but you can't reach in and fix it, remove it, tear it out, tear it up, burn it... the only thing that seems to help is to tear up the flesh on the outside... but that's just a distraction.

the credit card companies have caught up now, as they were about to, anyway. now comes the next exciting chapter of: living the life of a loser.

but, i remind you: i did not choose this.

but i do choose to end it my own way. if it's clear that there's no reason to go on, i will do it myself. i will not be driven to hospital (where they only hurt you and then send you bills). i will not be forced from my home.

the people who did this to me have been named.

none of them give a fuck.

jana doesn't care.
elise doesn't care.
judy and dana surely don't care.
sairuh thinks she cares, but her actions prove she does not.

my former employers don't care.
my former boss is a sociopathic asshole without remorse or honor.
he doesn't care.


Kutztown University - The Truth - Working in hell - Revised 12-27-07 213pm.pdf


the only people who care are the ones who can do nothing.

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Thursday, December 27, 2007

the end days

days, hours
months, or
something

these are the end days
my end days, for your fun
now i will push as far as i can

there's not much left to do
nor give, 'sides my heart,
with its wretched limits, too

so, push
shove
crawl right up in my face

i owe you the blood
the pain
and tears

wasted on you

all my strain was for you
if you care
which you don't

so

suckle right up till the white
becomes red
empty me out, and be fed

these are the end days
of a battle i never embraced
it's your fantasy, to rule or destroy

and you have done to me
the worst of both worlds

so push, crawl, shove,
and with teeth, be sure to chew and injest
infest your distress upon me

these are my end days
closer than i hoped they would be
and oh so much more real, now

but i know i was better than you
oh i know i was much better than most

well...

i know i was much better than you.

Kutztown University - The Truth - Working in hell - Revised 12-27-07 213pm.pdf

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there is always more, this time it's MINE

updated, 3:50am, December 27th, 2007, because i cannot sleep or rest. wonder why.

Kutztown University - The Truth - Working in hell - Revised 12-27-07 213pm.pdf

"If you come at me with any union shit, i'm gonna fight you on it."
- will jefferson, prior to signing my "end of probation period" at KU.

"Your work is fine, but frankly your attitude stinks."
- will jefferson, 3rd, January 2006

jefferson: "I don't want your attitude driving clients away..."
ME: "Wait a minute... Who have i driven away?"
jefferson: "I mean, you walk around here with a black cloud over your head.."
[i had been broken up by a 7-year relationship, starting to be screwed by a six month heart-rapist, and was being bullied by my boss, yet i remained quite kind, generous and light hearted around my clients]
ME: "Will, i'm really concerned about what you just said. Have i driven clients away?"
[more stammering and avoiding the direct question, which i had to repeat]
[long pause, tugging on his throat, jefferson not making eye contact, and then:]
jefferson: [stammering] "well, Jace, not YET!"
ME: [incredulous] "Not YET???" [i was being berated for something i had not done]
jefferson: "Don't you raise your voice at me" [as though i were his child]

- same date as above

i gave up a pre-approved vacation of about a week and three days because elise dicked out on me. i decided i might as well stay at work and help out during some transitions and, you know, be a team player. The response i got was a very quick and unexcited "Gee, thanks, we could really use you around here."

Was this even considered when jefferson was complaining about my attendance? Was this considered when i was staying late to finish work, help clients, clean up or otherwise take some pressure off of the work load (since he didn't like my "productivity").... never once mentioned. Not One Time.

"i saw you staring out the window at the stairwell..."
- Dean Margaret Devlin, after some social gathering that i was going back down stairs afterward. To which i ask: SO FUCKING WHAT?? Lets pass social and personality judgments on the guy who is taking a moment to look at what's outside. That IS the point of a window, right??

"i think that some of this is the depression."
- Devlin, after explaining my frustration with jefferson and her responding by referring to something i never told her nor anyone else. Depression is like the mark of satan, apparently.

"Frankly, i'm frustrated with BOTH of you."
- Dean Devlin, being "fair" after i confronted her about jefferson's continued abuse. Previously, she had the gall to put her arm around my shoulder and tell me to just keep quiet and keep doing my good work and all would be fine.

"Why is it that you were supportive of me earlier on but now the same things jefferson is saying are coming out of your own lips?"
- Me to Dean Devlin. No Response except an embarrassed and pissed look and body language that indicated the discussion was over. i said "This is obviously useless," and walked out of her office.

"Bullying isn't illegal"

- sharon picus, HR, when i told her about jefferson's abuse of me, when she sent me away to be inspected by SEAP, further playing jefferson's game of psychological harassment of me, to drive me out of the workplace.

Don't EVER try to be a team player. Not ever.

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Monday, December 24, 2007

hell is just a word

Saturday, October 27, 2007

flicked off by flickr staff

"Your account has been reviewed as unsafe and NIPSA by Flickr staff."
Tell me what's unsafe about it. The account they deleted was reviewed by flicker staff and marked as safe about a couple of days before they deleted it.

Latest attempts at checking that i'm moderating my content:
  • "Changed safety level on 0 photos. (Operation failed for 17 photos, which have been moderated by Flickr staff and cannot be changed.)"
  • "Changed content type on 0 photos. (Operation failed for 1 photo, which has been moderated by Flickr staff and cannot be changed.)"
  • "You are unable to share this content. Sorry, you can't send "restricted" content. Go back to "how mcdonald's sees your children"
Self moderation was fine before in my original account, which was supposedly what awarded me the "SAFE" marking.

Here's the dealie:

If you have a LINK or know the exact URL to my account (http://www.flickr.com/photos/14467890@N02/) you can see my stuff. If you go to flickr and check out the site, view people, search photos, search people, search for me or my photos, you don't get squat. i'm invisible unless you specifically go to my photostream via direct URL.

So, sum of all parts is: censorship. They don't want the public to see my stuff because they acted against Stewart Butterfield's proclaimed "err on the side of caution," deleted my content without investigation or communication, (an act which i announced in my next image, using the flickr staff email as proof, which they then removed), and were embarassed.

This isn't about what's good for the community. It's about what flickr staff feels is good for them; the way the flickr users and the outside world perceives them. i'm a danger to no one except flickr staff's egos and public image.

They are apparently not fans of "let the truth speak for itself."

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Monday, October 15, 2007

You Have No Rights

i've been on the inside. Where the company is the state and the state is the company. i've been victimized by a sociopathic supervisor and his sociopathic boss, the dean of our particular part of the university. i've watched as one of the only females of colour on the staff were harassed and gossipped about, including by the bosses. i've listened to the stories of a woman who worked there for 15 years and was harassed by her supervisor and a co-worker. i've attempted to communicate with the so-called "Office of Social Equity." i've been ill-advised and outright lied to by superiors. i've had Human Resources people lie to my face and intimidate me for the interests of my sociopathic boss. i've seen them become more adversarial as i demanded proof for their claims and none was to be found. i've jumped through the hoops, as advised by Union representatives who have never once been the same individual, never once had the correct details and never once cared to do their jobs (being, to represent my rights as an employee in the state of PA to have a non-hostile work environment). i've seen the union do the same for others, though "doing" is too active a word for such a passive union of mouths without legs. i've watched my parent, with aid of a lawyer and frustrating lack of cooperation with the EEOC and doctors unwilling to get involved in hospital politics, fight a battle they had no chance at winning, after my mother was harassed and intimidated out of her job. i've had other hospital workers acknowledge that hospitals are one of the last places employees can expect to have their rights protected. i've paid for products that did not work as advertized. i've paid for services severed under false claims. i've been laid off, fired and blacklisted. i've even been abducted by the county by a hospital with emergency room staff that had zero interest in paying attention to the people brought into it.

i've seen and been through all this, and more. i've reported it to authorities only to find the authorities do not care, have no motivation to do anything or are part of the problem (and disinterest automatically makes any authority figure part of the problem). i've blogged it, posted it, reported on it ad nausium. The most common response is "Chill out, why do you care? Go somewhere better."

Here's the hard truth about your rights: You have none.

There is one exception/conditional/variable that can affect this:

Someone with the motive and power to defend you. If you have that, you might have rights.

Without that, and, by union acknowledgement (and my friends' and parents' personal experiences), without the money to buy that person's motivation to defend you, you functionally have no rights. Forget laws. Forget the EEOC. Forget the BBB. Forget state, federal or local law. Forget diversity. Forget human rights advocacy organizations. Forget the Constitution. Forget it all.

In this nation, and maybe in many other places throughout the world (influenced by USAmerican economics or not), you only have as much protection as you have power and influence... or connection to it.

You will hear otherwise. You will hear about democracy, constitutional rights, diversity, representatives, laws and freedom... you will hear about god. You will hear much propaganda and be handed many insubstantial plattitudes. You will be told where to go, how to feel, what to think and what should matter. In the end, if you demand proof of your rights, if you demand your rights be protected and acted on, you will be called a complainer, whiner, abuser of the system, someone looking for a free ride, too sensitive, not-a-team-player, inflexible, unAmerican, a socialist, a social paracite, wasting everyone's tax dollars, and/or other insults-intended.

When you go to vote (and you do vote, right?), you will be wasting your time and your effort because your vote does not count. (but you should still vote because it's a civic duty... like overthrowing an unjust governing body used to be a civic duty... and it's a right, just like your right to bear arms with which to... hang in a room and admire, and ocassionally fire at select animals at select times of the year, or show off at a firing range with your buddies, to give yourself a feeling of power when you are, in fact, quite impotent to affect the world around you).

No doubt my opinion is not shared by all... but the interesting thing is, my opinion is becoming more and more prolific throughout the world, especially when expressed about the USA. No doubt i will be harassed for expressing these thoughts... by people who's opinions differ. Not because i'm particularly wrong, but because they feel it is their duty (civic or holy) to correct me without proof, to correct me with memes that they don't really understand intellectually but which seem to sound good, and probably with as insubstantial and insulting language as possible. Don't forget the threats from Republicans (who either believe all the nonsense because they have power, or believe it because they want power), the gun owners and the racists... as well as the even slightly more uncomfortable threats of being loved by strangers even though i am wrong.

By posting this, i am demonstrating that my "Right to free speech" means nothing without the power to make people defend that right, defend my speech, protect it from deletion by special interest groups or corporations.

This posting, in essence, means nothing and will accomplish nothing. So why bother?

It's the only right i have the power to exercise.

Even at that, it still isn't much; i'm using a commercial entity to exercise this so-called right. Like everything else, all it takes is a quick click by the uncaring and disagreeable, and it will be gone.

i have no rights because no one cares to defend them.

How secure do you believe YOU are?


.

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