how to kill a conversation

tell people your thanksgiving plans are to have an anti-thanksgiving.

the only way they could wrap their heads around it was to remind themselves i'm vegetarian and chock it up to my lack of interest in the traditional foods. i didn't care enough to correct them.

i don't know why anyone even cares about my or anyone else's holiday plans anyway. i don't even care what my best friend's plans are. i'm sure he's doing something with his family. that's all i need to know. i suppose they don't care at all and it's just an excuse to flap the jaws. chewing dry turkey isn't enough exercise.

and then after they are done asking me about my plans, the conversation turns to themselves and what they are doing, and then i slowly remind myself, oh yeah, i guess i was supposed to reciprocate this and ask them what their plans were. . .

i've been doing this all my life. reminding. too late. you'd think i'd have the fucking script memorized by now. . .

i couldn't even care enough to listen and instead withdrew into my own thoughts as i sat beside them like an invisible person. their words invisible to me, my presence invisible to them. it's dissatisfying and yet i prefer it to the inane chatter.

being alone is almost never desirable. it's just more desirable than most options for not being alone.

i used to desire a fix for this. now i don't believe i'd have the energy to employ the fix. if the anxiety disappeared and i knew all the scripts and i could navigate all the social situations with ease. . . I'D BE ABSOLUTELY EXHAUSTED. by all the tedious conversation. or maybe i'd just become proficient in dominating the conversation like every other loudmouth.

just let the world write me off as some self-absorbed sad bastard who was too quirky to connect with and therefore care much about. i'm sick of trying to figure out how to make my way in a world that wasn't designed for me. every job requires fundamental skills i don't possess and never will without great difficulty and stress. i'm just going to be some underemployed piece of shit all my life.

i'm backwards. this is a world full of dependent individuals and i need to be an independent communalist. i don't know where the support is for that and i just can't keep my shit together about it today.

Why Elementary Social Studies Should Include More Cultural Anthropology

First I'd like to share a quote from the first lecture in Edward Fischer's Teaching Company course Peoples and Cultures of the World. He defines cultural anthropology by describing how it differs from other disciplines:

"Anthropology sees that what gets lost in such particular perspectives, such disciplinary perspectives, is the interconnectedness of it all, of life, of the human condition. One aspect of human behavior is influenced by and influences other spheres. We know this instinctively in a way. Politics is tied to religion. Economics is tied to psychology. Biology is tied to social organization. And this is all tied together with the glue of culture. Again, this is something we intuitively recognize I think. One's religion affects the way one votes, for example. Politics affects religion, religion affects politics. I was reading, uh, not long ago actually, that church attendance is a better indication of party affiliation in the United States than income is. But anyway, this is something that we as academics can easily forget, the interrelatedness of it all, as we work away in our increasingly narrow, uh, perspectives and specialization. Thus, a basic tenant of anthropology is its holistic approach, looking at the whole of the human condition and not just one aspect. "

Through the lens of cultural anthropology, we become familiar with and learn to accept and respect differences. We learn to see patterns, make connections, find similarities in differences, and look beyond borders for answers. We learn to appreciate the complexity and interrelatedness of all systems, both cultural and biological. We learn how various communities function, and we can use that knowledge to critically examine our own communities ("communities," by the way, can be replaced in that sentence by any cultural institution).

With all of this knowledge, we can put discreet disciplines in their proper context. While it can be academically useful to study the world in discreet chunks, the world is not actually made up of hermetically sealed systems of information that function independently of other hermetically sealed systems of information.

While there ARE benefits to be gained in knowledge specialization, it is to society's detriment if we don't first prepare children with the roadmap of how it all connects, how WE all connect. And not just one year. But year after year after year. Like math. Like history. It's just as important.

I'll leave you with this: Take two minutes and imagine what kind of world we might live in if an understanding of the interconnected human condition was as immutable and well-known as the oft quoted "2+2?"

not just the ones overturning cars and planters

HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK!!!
in the night, carhorns blast like bombs.
you’re ALL terrorists.

Fuck This Country: Police Don't Protect or Serve

VictoryGrey, like most people, has to go to work in the morning. It IS morning already. In Philadelphia, there are RIOTS. Yes, RIOTS.

Why? Governmental election? No.
The Phucking Phillies won A BASEBALL GAME.

Anti-society, hear VictoryGrey cry out at the horror surrounding her at home (a person I worry for and care about):

(in comments on her own story)

"my nerves are shot. there are several helicopters flying around the area and i'm pretty sure i just heard someone's property being destroyed outside. wtf is wrong with people? :( 12:12 and all mayhem continues unabated."
12:12 AM, October 30, 2008

Then:

"helicopters still buzz overhead. police response summed up in this article:

"Right now, we're just going to let themselves tire themselves out," said Tanya Little, a police spokeswoman."

"while they're still tiring themselves out by shouting their way down my street, i wonder, how do i get tired out?"
1:11 AM, October 30, 2008

[My emphasis used above]

VictoryGrey needs sleep to function. Like me. Like Jace. Like YOU.

THIS is law and order? THIS is humanity?

THAT was a "POLICE SPOKESWOMAN??"

NOT "Serving" or "Protecting" as the slogan used to be, but sitting along on the sidelines doing nothing because it's easier than DOING THEIR FUCKING JOBS.

Oh you huddled masses of creatures called human beings... learn your lesson well:

Non-Americans:
DON'T MOVE HERE. I want to move the fuck out.
This country is anarchy and a 1984-like, media-controlled, reality-twisting, history revisioning dictatorship. As Jace said: THIS IS THE DYSTOPIA.

Our law officials do NOTHING to quell the madness of the group mind (the unintelligentsia group mind, I add). Our law officials do NOTHING for the homeless OR the innocents huddling in their homes afraid of having rioters injure them, destroy their property, or kill them... all over A MOTHERFUCKING SPORTS GAME.

Step aside "nationalism."
Step aside "god."
Here comes the thing Amerikans TRULY worship:

"SPORTS"

FUCK THIS COUNTRY.
FUCK THIS COUNTRY.
FUCK THIS COUNTRY.

Addict's Almanac

Street Roots, a Portland nonprofit paper that assists the city's homeless and impoverished citizens, is running a short-term autobiographical column by Tye Doudy. The Addict's Almanac offers a thoughtful peek into the brutal lifestyle of heroin addiction and homelessness. Tye's prose is peppered with reflections that humanize America's untouchable class, reminding us that these non-entities were once people just like you and me, still are like you and me, and could be you and me. Between the past and the present, he glimpses into the future, putting truth to the junkie's lie and making self-aware forecasts that peer hopelessly further down the spiral to this lifestyle's inevitable end.

Please read the excerpt below, and then use the link to continue following his story.

August 6, 2008

"The smoky interior of the Roxy, with its smells of clove cigarettes, coffee, and greasy diner food, is an oasis. Those old familiar pulp fiction posters on the wall and the same Skinny Puppy songs playing on the jukebox. Small groups cluster at tables and in the booths. Gothic kids and punk rockers drinking the all-night coffee and chain smoking. Flamboyant gay guys sitting at the bar talking loud and looking around to see if anyone is paying attention. No one is.

I spot an associate sitting by himself at one of the small two-person tables and make my way over. His name is Joe but he goes by Ashes, and Ashes looks loaded. He barely looks up when I sit down and from the length of the ash on his smoke I can tell he was on the nod. His hooded eyes finally look up and find mine as the waiter takes my order for coffee and toast. He tucks a long strand of greasy hair behind his ear and through missing teeth tells me I look like hell. Coming from him this is truly something.

Ashes has been on the streets a long time. He was already “old” when I first hit the dope road all those years ago. Beneath his long and tattered leather jacket and his Sisters Of Mercy T-shirt his thin frame shows the wear of the longtime dope fiend. His arms are covered in homemade tattoos and scars from past abscesses. He is somewhere in his late 30s but looks a decade older. Anybody with eyes would make him for an addict. He’s about as trustworthy as a rented snake, and he is the closest thing I have to a friend at this moment.

My first question is, of course, is he holding and second, can I get him to kick down a little something. Even a rinse would set me straight and buy me some time to make a plan. No junky wants to give up any dope ever, but I have some leverage as he has no hustle and he knows I will make some money today. He supports his habit by spare changing in the transit mall. Not a sure thing, even on a good day. A real loser’s gambit. Real bottom of the food chain shit. So I get him to agree to get me well as long as I take him along on whatever scheme I cook up for the day.

In order for me to get the fix, we first have to go back to the squat he shares with some other scumbags under the Jackson Street overpass. We leave at once. Fuck the coffee and toast. It’s only a few blocks away and as we make our way to the spot, morning people are beginning their day. Office workers are emerging with their overpriced Starbucks beverages and service workers are on their way to their shitty jobs serving shitty food to shitty people.

The pedestrians avoid eye contact and keep moving. They’re not scared, just seen it all too many times. Anybody that lives or works downtown is so used to this that it’s like rain to them. Something unpleasant but inevitable, just part of the city. When we finally reach the overpass and duck down through the hole in the freeway fence the smell of shit is a shock. The whole side of the embankment is dotted with small white flags of used toilet paper marking each pile of human excrement. There are no public bathrooms open at night in this area of Portland so people do what they have to do whereever they can. No matter how many squats I’ve been in, the smell of piss and shit always takes my breath away for a moment. This is the bottom. Truly, it would be hard to fall any lower than this. Maybe dying of AIDS in a welfare hospital would be worse. Maybe."

read the rest of Addict's Almanac.

Shadow Syndromes: Reviewer Gets It

on amazon.com a few weeks ago, i read a particularly well-written review of the book Shadow Syndromes: The Mild Forms of Major Mental Disorders That Sabotage Us. *

the reviewer uses this text and his own experiences to write a good critique of the confining DSM classifications and to provide a realistic view of brain complexity that argues for spending more time treating patient's symptoms and less on figuring out which box(es) they fit into. his analysis (and more fundamentally, that of the book's author) illustrates the dangers of not doing so. please read.

"Shadows Syndromes is a worthy read, in that it does a good job of highlighting the major disconnect between diagnostic categories and reality. While the DSM model has its uses (research and billing being the only two I can think of right now), it also serves to reify the notion that mental illnesses are precise, discreet disorders. Any one with an ounce of clinic experience will tell you that real cases don't fit neatly into categories. The diagnostic questions sometimes help think through and organize the presenting concerns, signs and symptoms. But often the debate over whether someone is suffering from a pure mood disorder versus PTSD versus character pathology serves as a distraction. Or , another classic example: spinning wheels arguing whether a patient is an addict with psychiatric symptoms secondary to drug abuse or are they actually someone with a primary psychiatric diagnosis who is using substances to self-medicate their mental illness. It's a meaningless exercise based on an overly simplistic model. But that one does matter because insurance companies consider one of those scenarios worth paying to treat and the other worthy only of their contempt.

In reality, just like any other organ in the body, the brain mediates a number of functions. It is responsible for mood regulation, memory, sustaining attention, shifting attention, interpreting social cues, integrating sensory information, regulating motivation of all manner of behaviors, and impulse control, to name a few. We all have various strengths and weaknesses, and we all fall somewhere on a bell-shaped curve for performance of each of these various tasks. People who shake out on the extremes ends in one particular area probably look like textbook definitions of specific illnesses (a "pure" mood disorder with no other comorbidities). That's rare. Looking at it even just from this sort of statistical model, one would expect that, for any given disorder, the number of people who unmistakably qualify for a specific diagnosis would be just a fraction of those who almost qualify. These "subclinical" cases are what Drs. Ratey and Johnson refer to as "shadow syndromes." They go a step further and assert that these people actually suffer more from mental illness, because they slip through the cracks. They are not quite sick enough to find themselves needing treatment, but they are impaired by their symptoms.

It's an important perspective that is explained in simple, readable terms in the first part of the text. The second part then breaks the shadow syndromes down into specific "mild" mental illnesses based on the traditional categories. So just imagine how densely the comorbidities can layer now. Is there anyone motivated to pick up this book that won't conclude that they have masked depression, are slightly bipolar, have a subthreshold intermittent rage disorder, mild attention deficit disorder, a touch of "autistic echoes" and are a shadow addicts? Then what are the implications? Does everyone need to be in therapy? Does everyone need to be on a finely tuned psychopharmacological regimen and a behavior plan?

I recommend this book, I think it's well-written and thought provoking. It does succeed in explaining complex issues in a way that is understandable to people outside the field without being simplistic or dull to people within the field. That's a tough line to walk. And I like the emphasis on blurry boundaries to disorders, and the overall message of understanding how your brain works, what your relative strengths and weaknesses are and how to make the best of things. But I worry that the take-home message for many will be to feel these diagnostic categories expanding, billowing out of their margins, pathologizing every aspects of our humanity as it envelopes us. While it gets at the true complexity of these disorders, it also does so with the bias that mental illness primarily a Biological phenomenon. Perhaps this is to combat social stigma and people's assumptions that these deficiencies are due to personal weakness (or- just as damaging- all to be blamed on bad mothering). Or perhaps, it's that, as we learn more about these disorders (which we are doing at a rapid rate thanks to the new abundance of genetic data and advances in brain scanning that lets investigators see brain regions light up as they work), we learn more about the biological aspects, since that is what we are looking for and trained to interpret. So, now the authors expand the scope of these diagnoses and therefore lead us to the conclusion that more people could benefit from psychopharmacologic treatments. It's a nice book to recommend to your patients if you take only self-pay patients and only do psychopharm visits. But it skims over the real beauty of psychiatry, the reason it is the most intellectually challenging field in medicine and the most rewarding specialty to practice, which is the multifactorial, composite nature of everything our brain is and does at any moment. No doubt the genetics shape the brain, as does the metabolic and endocrine factors in the uterine environment during development, as does nutritional factors, and then near infinite environemental variables acting constantly on each individual. From things as foundational as the fit in temperament between primary caregiver and baby, all the way out to religion and culture. From the preconscious memories of the earliest childhood experiences all the way out to this morning's headline news.

You can take the best brain in the world, if there is such a thing, but I guarantee the individual possessing it will be no healthier than the families, systems, and societies they inhabit.

So thumbs up for a great read, and a perspective that broadens our view of the mind and mental illness. Too bad they interpret the new landscapes with tunnel vision, but it's to their credit that they left me wanting more. "

*note that i haven't read Shadow Syndromes (although i'd like to at least skim it sometime soon).

Taking a Break; Please Fill In

It is with effort that I did not title this "I Resign." With the most recent events of researching/dealing with the information about Jace's trials and tribulations among the Monsters of Medicine and the situation with Mike and Heather (no, Mike, no personal assaults here, I want peace)... I feel overwhelmed.

VictoryGrey has been posting things that this blog is about: her life struggles in this antisociety and things that Jace would have found personally meaningful.

There needs to be more. I know that the other members of this blog have complicated lives, but I used to believe in the concept of "Society" and how that was what separated us from chaos. Now I see that we live in anti-society. Chaos through self focus. If this blog means anything to the members, please, please, please contribute. I have in mind the idea of abandoning it, as mentioned before, since it does not seem to attract much more than "Jace Smacking." That's not why it was resurrected to begin with.

Lastly, go see MY blog for a little tale of society.

Foundations, building blocks and arches

A friend and I, while mulling over her youthful relationship choices, were talking about the kind of foundational experiences that she had to build on. For example, given that her father had a violent temper, if she had married the boy she was madly in love with (who had a... not violent, exactly, but... physically expressive temper), then eventually, in reaction to his temper, she probably would have had frequent flashbacks to bad childhood experiences. In other words, she didn't have the right background to enable a healthy relationship with him.

From that, I developed an analogy of personal development being like the foundation of a building...

If a lower layer of blocks is damaged, then they won't be able to hold as much weight as whole blocks. If there's a crumbled section or complete lack of blocks somewhere, then an arch can be built over that spot. But arches take more skill to build than walls and arches require sturdy anchors on both ends, so it's not always possible to make up for a lack of something.

The very bottom layer is made up of things like "was born healthy" "nursed within the first hour" "was breast fed" "had lots of physical contact" "had consistent caretakers".

And subsequent layers are made up of "patient parents" "fair and appropriate discipline" "caretaker reads to child" "healthy diet" "no abuse" "engaging teachers" "supportive schools" "kind friendships" "creative hobbies" "respectful sex" etc.

What we are able to build in our present is determined by the sturdiness of all the layers (and arches, if any) of our past.

When we see something missing in ourselves or in our lives, perhaps what we're seeing are these flaws and gaps in our foundation and missing the things that we can't manage to build for ourselves as a consequence.

Is there a way to move forward? How much does our capacity to build arches over the damaged blocks increase with life experience or decrease under the strains of life?

your math subtracts me

ignore me.

it's familiar.

social network my middle finger.

i could've been someone who didn't give a fuck.

it would've been quicker.

Attention all research professsionals: I am your litterbox.

I work at one of the top universities in the country. Here's an example of some of the professionally submitted paperwork I receive from research facilities:
I had to wash my hands after touching this paperwork. I wish i could report that this wasn't a somewhat regular occurrence.

Changing the World

Early one morning, I received the following email from Jace:

From: Jace Cavacini
To: ManagerMom
Subject: my life is so fucking invisibly unfair

don't let this happen to your kids


i just woke from several hours of PTSD-type dreams. one was specifically about getting screwed by believing i was the one single person wrong in a room filled with people who had no problem. the materials given to me were wrong!

i was vindicated in the end but it cost me stress and embarrassment and i was forced to openly disclose my autism in a classroom environment after already being terribly embarrassed in front of everyone by being treated like i was just being stupid.

here i am, woken up, angry, crying silently, knowing i'm the only person who will ever know that i'm suffering this way every night, how much it hurts and that the dreams' contents reflect EXACTLY the real life experiences that MADE me have PTSD in the first place. it's all fucking INVISIBLE and no one in the outside world can appreciate it nor is there any help, support or justice to combat the damages done.

this is why i exposed my life before the world on my blog and in nowpublic.com articles and why i disclosed my autism at work. the results are why i'm tired of speaking at all.

i sought public awareness. instead i found more personal harassment and injury. insecure and bitter people looking to make other people smaller than themselves so they can feel better about themselves (like john and jefferson and anonymous cowards on comment forums).

i received punishment for exposing my differences and the truth about the people who treated me so poorly. punishment for showing just how fucked up these things have made me. punishment for not just swallowing it all silently. how dare i speak up.

along with medications encouraging me to act on suicidal impulses and other impulsive thoughts, my very existence is agony night and day and there's no way to prove it to anyone. no justice. i'm just an example of life's losers. a loser by "being dealt a shitty hand."

that's the only admission i've received from anyone, even family. "well jace, you were dealt a real shitty hand."

that admission doesn't even come close to helping me because it's just hollow words spoken by people who can't perceive the suffering i'm living because if the suffering i lived.

how am i ever supposed to heal from something the outside world never accepts or understands? what is my motivation to to even try? on the outside, it all looks to people as though i simply have to stop having a bad attitude. fuck that."

I replied to Jace with the following:

Jace,

Thank you for sharing that with me. Although I am happy to say that things in our school are much different and more supportive, it doesn't change the fact that yours was not. That is just one of the many factors that influenced you. I think it's incredibly amazing that you survived all that and can talk about it in a way that helps others see that it is the rest of us who need to change. I have changed so much since meeting you. The way I deal with my children is much different today than it was a year ago.

Last night while we were helping the kids get ready for bed, Ian suddenly became extremely angry and started punching Steve. When he didn't calm down after several thwarted throws, I gently took his hands and led him away from Steve. Then I asked, "Ian, what has made you so angry?" He said something that didn't really make sense. So I asked the question again. Once more he said something very off topic. I asked one more time, slowly and quietly. His breathing slowed and I could tell he was thinking. Finally, we were able to discern that it was the way Steve told him to go brush his teeth that had set him off. I asked if yelling and punching had made him feel better - "no" was his reply. I told him when I am angry, a warm, deep hug makes me feel better. So, he sat on the floor in my lap and we hugged. I could feel his body relax and the anger leave him. I have you to thank for showing me that Ian's outbursts require evaluation and compassion, not punishment.

Over the last several weeks, I have been involved in a very intense argument with someone who used to be a good friend. Her children and mine have been best friends for 3 years. I thought she understood us and how we do things. She does not. This has caused us to part ways as friends, although we are trying to preserve the children's relationships. This is extremely difficult. She feels all non-conformist behavior should be punished, even if the intent was not to harm others. She just doesn't get it. Hopefully, I will eventually be able to help her understand the dynamics of living in a family with autism, but I am not holding my breath. Nor will I lose sleep over it any longer. If she can't look deep enough to see those things which are invisible, to feel them with her heart and deal rationally with them, then she won't be part of our circle of friends who are able to do that.

Thank you, Jace. You are changing the world ... one person at a time.

Love,
ManagerMom

phantom limb syndrome [Previously Unpublished]

"As I had been looking online for his current email address I discovered his blog (on Blogger, of course) and that he's in a 4-year relationship. That produced a jittery response in me, and for a solid hour it was all I could think of (foot-tapping and all). I was waiting at the DMV for my replacement driver license, so it didn't interfere with life, but I was still a little surprised that my reaction was that intense. Yes, after 16 years he still matters to me. Closure is never what I've wanted there, only acceptance."

i am not at all shocked or surprised. i was with jana for about a year when we (her & i and john&tammy) ran into kristin at Barnes & Noble. i had an intense reaction. It offended jana. It took quite some time for her to be "okay" with and "understand" the situation.

 She had never been through what i had been through. Her longest relationship was "dating" and it lasted weeks to a month or so. She had zero relationship experience prior to me and in the end it really showed, despite spending 7 fucking years at it with me.

 Lazy, selfish, insecure emotional child.

 i would have extremely intense reactions to crossing paths with her today. 

i have enough of a reaction to seeing kristin briefly through her blog, though it somewhat relieves me to find that she is exactly what i expected, as lame as that is. When she appeared at Barnes & Noble, i was pissed that, after months of not wearing it, i was wearing the hooded, over-sized sweater i had that she made fun of, and she even commented to tammy that i was "apparently still the same old jace" ... it pissed me off. i think i threw the fucking thing in a drawer and let it sit for a year or two before jana encouraged me to get rid of it with the clothing we were taking to the Salvation Army shop.

 It bothered me to continue to see [name]'s selfishness in her blog. It annoys me that judy never changed her address with the university, despite me telling her, twice, about mail coming to me. It would bother me to run into any of these people. Most of all, elise.

 i've fantasized about her showing up on my doorstep looking to make friendly and me telling her off, and then realizing that i am not sure i could [tell her off].

These things affect us. We only think we're beyond them because the parts of our brains containing these people stop being referenced. They go dormant. When something directly accesses those parts of our brains, we are shocked to find them still there, and then shocked to find them still the way they were last time. These parts never really go away. We just stop accessing them, for the most part. This is why i envy people who have made friends with their former lovers/mates. It allows a person to change that portion of their brain that holds the internal existence of the person and takes away the potential for future shock and surprise.

phantom limb syndrome, specifically pain, is the exact analogue to my loss of lovers. It happens for the same reason. It also happens because of the other things i said about memory of lovers in the previous email: the brain content is still there. In this case, though, that entire section of brain material becomes "illegal territory" because the removal of the "limb" is painful. This is why people try to close it off, shut it down and eliminate all paths to it. Pathways to these parts become active or available after long periods of dormancy by simply attaining a new lover or mate; it is by association with having had one before... "Which one was that? OW!" and then "and the others... OW!" [insert stimuli and responses here]

[written by Jace, previously unpublished. Originally written 2/2/08 at 4:54 AM - Intransitivus]

trash [EDITED]

i get it now
it's merely a matter of convenience
how foolish of me

it's easier to be an asshole
to be selfish
cruel
lie

become "unavailable"

it's easier to be people like [name] and Elise
dana, john, jana, jenni, megan, toshi, jefferson
picus, jenni's sister, mike the heather manipulator

.and.
.so.
.many.
.more.

choose your reality
erase people you think have offended you

but first the setup!
pull them in, or make it appear you're simply letting them in, even more clever...

bring them into the fold
showcase them
talk them up

make them feel special

"i don't see how anyone could ever think you're scum"
"those girls didn't deserve you"
"you're better than them"
"they're just selfish"

over and over and over
the same insincere trash talk.
the same LIES.

take advantage of them
fuck, be fucked
have your yank, get free orgasms
receive your so badly needed validation

have your "friendship"
sex friends
people you're "seeing"
"best friends" you betray

then tear them apart
or ignore them, or tell them off
change parameters without notice,
whatever. just something sudden and cruel.

"terms subject to change without notice.
we are under no obligation to inform you of changes
prior to their execution."

tell your friends they're trash
the friends you were trashing
now you need them again
because you've exchanged hates

found the lesser exposure
realized who sees you least
where you're more hidden
invisible but accepted as a member

the elite club of cool outsiders
insiders, who cares what caste you want
you just want one that takes you in as member
where you can throw out people you don't like

I GET IT NOW.

i can be just like you.
erase you, ignore you.
tell everyone you're trash.

i'm doing it now. wheee!

so fuck you all.
you're all trash.

makeup, clever vocabulary without logical coherence
hiding rotting sores
rotting souls
rot

zombies, trash,
monsters in costumes of worse monsters
for fun and for protection

masks to hide worse masks
portraying something better
something bitter but risky and cool
elite

rot

rot and flutter away with the leaves

waste your time surfing every internet social club
seeking an identity you can't fashion out of reality
look for people to bash in clusters of assholes, jackals
fan the flames, sham the blames and blame the truths

seek out that next perfect man, the good fuck
to bash later when he sees through your makeup

women suck
men suck
people suck
so do their friends

wives
husbands
whoever just does as told
without forming their own opinions based on truth

all of you
thinking you're just fine
better than
in control

trash
every single one

including me
because i can't be YOU.

Psychopathy and Antisocial Personality Disorder: A Case of Diagnostic Confusion

Regarding: something published and apparently ignored since February 1, 1996
Psychiatric Times. Vol. 13 No. 2: http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/display/article/10168/54831

"Written by Robert D. Hare, Ph.D. Dr. Hare, who has researched psychopathy for more than 25 years, is a professor of psychology at the University of British Columbia, and was scientific director of a 1995 NATO Advanced Study Institute on Psychopathic Behavior."

i wanted to introduce the topic of Sociopathy vs. Psychopathy into the materials present in Dr. Robert Hare's writing (both his articles found on the web, such as http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/p960239.html and his own website and writings in print).

His article at http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/p960239.html is near excellent in defining some very vital reasoning on why confusion of ASPD and Psychopathy is a terrible problem. Yet, i see a terrible problem in the lack of mention of Sociopathy.

The DSM not only lumps ASPD with Psychopathy, but also does the same with Sociopathy. Sociopathy and Psychopathy ARE Anti Social Personality Disorders. More so, they DIFFER in perceptually small yet effectively VAST ways.

i was very excited to find the book "The Sociopath Next Door" by Dr. Martha Stout. i was confused when a friend read the book and found it lacking my own personal differentiation between sociopathy and psychopathy. i examined the parts she cited and felt she was indeed correct. i had lead her to a book that does not go where i thought it did and where i have been going very frequently in my attempts to educate others.

i have since located some web-based material called "The Psychopath Next Door" which is reportedly Martha Stout's website (which looks outdated and does not indicate her name). The information on this page seems VERY similar to her book. It occurred to me that the process of formalizing her writing on the topic had forced her to change from the subject of Psychopathy to Sociopathy because the people she was writing about were not murderers, cult leaders or other such common psychopathic actions. It is fortunate that she changed terms before publishing the book, but unfortunate that it does not do near as well a job as my own talks with people to define the difference between the two labels.

Most importantly, i think it is VITAL that all of this information be brought back into public discussion, form part of whatever processes involved in producing the next (unfortunately biblically followed) DSM edition, and CLARIFIED to eliminate the confusion that is growing more and more rampant.

i have a personal motivator here. i was harassed, intimidated and abused by several sociopaths. To my knowledge, they are not psychopaths. Their ASPD stops at the point where they attempt to preserve their social status and maintain their adherence to the majority of laws and social rules that would have them filtered out of society, should they break those rules and laws. i have no interest in "protecting" these people in any way (i would love to see sociopaths filtered out of society just as psychopaths tend to filter themselves out after committing crimes), but i DO see a neurological connection to two neurological/psychiatric items that do NOT deserve to be lumped into the same category as psychopaths:

1. Borderline Personality Disorder. This is largely a defensive mechanism of the human mind in response to extensive and intolerable amounts of mental (and often physical) abuse. Most typically observed in females from teenage to about 35, is the claim of much material on BPD. Noted is the "mysterious growing out of it" effect that i have read about in several published materials on BPD. i find this irresponsible and i "see" what is likely happening: BPD leads to sociopathy, if not treated, cared for or otherwise halted in its tracks.
   
   
2. BPD appears to be a VERY common comorbidity of autistic neurology in the later years (between teens and mid 30s).

You see the process i am illustrating?

High Functioning Autistic neurology leads to much social (and often physical abuse) through the "growth years" and the comorbid condition of BPD establishes a strong hold to preserve the mental integrity of the individual. A worst case scenario leads to the terminal point of BPD transitioning into Sociopathy.

In case you cannot predetermine my personal bias here, i am autistic.

My autism spectrum label would most likely be Asperger's Syndrome, but the longer i continue to combat "the system" as an individual, and combat sociopaths and "professionals," the more i am forced to wonder if i am something slightly higher functioning than the high functioning AS individual. My self awareness and intelligence has made me feel rather alienated by those AS persons i have encountered in AS communities and the "professionals" refuse to recognize me as BEING on the autism spectrum (because apparently they do not grasp that austistic children eventually GROW UP with or without a diagnosis). i did not have a diagnosis of anything until about a year ago when i pursued the diagnosis of AS through independent research and a rough time locating professionals who could see beyond their traditionally myopic perspective of only working with children.

AS, and autism in general, has many features that are similar to the criteria for ASPDs and many are perceived to BE antisocial. Worse, it seems to me, from my own personal research and experience, autistic neurology is a potential catalyst for becoming an antisocial person, a "Borderliner," Sociopath or psychopath. The determining factors seem to be nurture (positive or negative) and self awareness (though that lucidity of self awareness is questionable in terms of how it comes about and whether it can be taught or learned).

My point: Sociopaths are more dangerous than psychopaths. They do not get filtered out of society because, as many have stated, the "dog eat dog" aspects of "modern society" seem to encourage it and getting "ahead" in society seems to be enabled by the traits of sociopathy. Also, i know MANY persons with AS and BPD. None of them deserve the mistaken presumption or sloppy and incorrect diagnosis of Sociopathy or Psychopathy.

The DSM needs to be moved drastically into a "spectral" format instead of solid on and off bipolar determination. i am hoping that interaction from people such as myself with people such as the professionals "in the business" (especially those who are authoring books and being read by other professionals and students of the topics he presents) will eventually lead to a healthier DSM and better diagnostic results from the "professionals" who use the DSM as the end-all be-all bible of "mental health."

The mind is the brain. The brain is the mind. Knowing how it works, and why it works in the ways it does, is the best route to a healthier human species and human societies.

Thank you for reading this rather long message. i would like to send a copy to Dr. Robert Hare, but the website indicates a postal address only for personal correspondence. i hope that this message is a little of both; please do forward this message to him if that is possible. Otherwise, i will have to use the postal service.

-jace cavacini
dysamoria (at) dysamoria dot com
http://dysamoria.com

"i'm relieved ..."

in reference to me not wanting to have anything to do with my father any longer.

but, he got to put me in a 304 situation. this ignorant asshole who knows nothing about the system tells me that i just had to get out of there instead of getting to the core of the problem... you don't get to the core of anything but following orders from staff and doctors about taking medication on time, as prescribed, despite your "real" doctors or what YOU know about YOU, no matter how old or young you are, and no matter how educated or ignorant you are.

i was one of the most educated people there... well... actually i was one of the least EDUCATED, yet more than two other patients told me that i gave them more clear information than any staff or doctor and that i seemed extremely intelligent.

but who does this asshole of a "father" listen to? does he listen to his son, who has explained the system to him several times? no. he listened to: "the professionals."

i hate my father.

he thinks it's great to have me out of the family.

so what THE FUCK is the reason why i was 304ed after NOT killing myself and solving my own problem? i could have been out of his list of self imposed problems (money, anxiety) for years if he'd just accept my RIGHT to DIE.

but then, it's not LEGAL to die by your own hand in this society is it?

someone call crisis on my father. he needs a ride through the system so he can "get to the bottom of the problem."

610-791-3188
610-703-9887

i could destroy his career like jefferson destroyed mine. but i have impulse control. i think about things. and i think THIS would be far more educational and constructive.

you want to know the story of my life in relation to my father?

PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH

i was an autistic child.

his way of teaching bicycle is to tell you to do it and then get mad and walk away when you get frustrated with him and the bicycle. me. my sister. same with math. "You don't speak English? That's ok, I'LL TALK LOUDER AT YOU AND POINT AT THINGS VIOLENTLY! PROBLEM SOLVED!!"

MONEY. That's all that matters to him. That's all that matters to his parents. That's all that matters to the whole fucking family. Work, get married, have children, work to raise your children, get to an old age spoiling as many grand/great grand children as you can before you just... die.

MONEY.

"i'm relieved you want nothing to do with me'" i paraphrase.

"i'm done with you." he said.

My "father" lives in a large, beautiful colonial house with enclosed back porch. You'd think he was someone... "important" ... he might say... IF he had any perspective. He has beautiful land that he thinks he must maintain to some sort of suburban standard. Ridiculous. Does he enjoy it?

i asked that question of the two of them repeatedly and they didn't even comprehend the question without me explaining it.

They want to sell it and buy a condo.

makes me want to fucking puke.

i hate my life, but that was my home and they want to trade it in for a fucking condo?

a $400,000 (more??) home and they want to trade it in for a motherfucking condo??

un.real

i've been told to write a book. If i live long enough, and some editor can remove enough material and still have the publisher go ahead, maybe then... someone might fucking get it.

But probably not because people don't really read much. THEY SEE BIG WORDS AND LOOK AT SHOCKING PICTURES AND WATCH FOX NEWS AND TALK ABOUT KILLING TOWELHEADS. They don't think or read.

i hate being here.

do you mean it? [EDITED]

[consistency]

people have a lot of trouble- nowait- problems with that concept.

you're allowed to change your mind about wanting fries with that, but not about throwing away $300 worth of plane tickets because "i changed my mind" and the equivocal "i didn't mean it, or i don't mean it any more." More precisely, "i never said anything that wasn't emotionally valid at the time." [real quote, corrected]

oh, great murder defense, there Elise.

you get to change your mind about what today's wardrobe is going to be, not about how much you care about someone after making all kinds of promises. you don't get to ignore them, then make them tiny because you fucked something up on your end and can't own up to it.

i've learned to find out what people are saying when they're not talking, or what they're saying underneath their false talk. underneath their lies and their body language. i see so much you will never even consider.

when you lie, cheat, steal, backstab, redirect, revise, "forget" and all those other things you so-called "normal" people do all day, every day, all week, every week of the month, all the months of the year [, he sees it].

eating's over rated [EDITED]

i just spent my last 3 bucks of EBT on three small cans of vegetarian baked beans.
i put my coins together and have a total of $1.09.
how many days until SSD and EBT deposits?

people are dangerous.

so are the drugs they put me on. disAbilify made it almost impossible for me to function since starting it. i've been out of the house about three times. i suffered extreme exhaustion each time. i'm tapering off of it, but it's not fast enought to satisfy me. i have had to take the old Provigil along with it... to no effect i can tell.

[There are very few long term studies of the neurological and other physiological changes to the human body when subjected to psychiatric medications. There are many side-effects and warnings that the makers of the drugs must publish. Yet, the first thing done to people when they are put into the "Behavioral Health" wards at every hospital in the lehigh valley is giving them drugs. Anti-psychotics. Mood stabilizers. Anti-depressants. Drugs which keep people from being able to eat, sweat, stay awake, sleep, orgasm, tolerate sunlight or heat... drugs which INCREASE the likelihood of suicide attempts. These people are then treated like criminals, force fed poor quality fattening foods, forced to wander around the limited space available, with limited mental stimulus and barely space enough to exercise because they will be "punished" and marked-up for sleeping during the daytime, not leaving their rooms, not eating all of their food at each meal, refusing to take medications that make them feel ill or sick, not accepting the demands of doctors who treat patients like templates, or even being coerced or forcibly injected with medications or given electrocution of the brain as "healthcare." If you send your family member to the hospital, you may be doing them a horrible injustice and worsening their condition, especially if it is against their will.]

poor reading comprehension = ignorance

quote:

"... Everything that you accuse others of is what YOU are. I am amazed that you can't see that.

Again, you will refuse to look at what I am saying and you will go off on another boring and whiney tirade to deflect the truth of it all. But I just had to tell you how I see you, and I can't be the ONLY person who sees you for what you are. Lots of people run away from you for a reason...not because they're jerks, or sociopaths, or "wimpy", it's because you are INTOLERABLE and you are intolerable not because you've had rough crap happen to you but because of how you've CHOSEN to deal with it and you treat others so nastily.

If by some rare chance you actually paused and acted the way you try to make others act by 'yelling' and 'screaming' at them you might come close to seeing yourself for what you really are. (but you won't) ..."

The first paragraph is exactly what i expect from ignorant and intolerant people who need to project their own problems onto the people who have exposed their own. It's also part of the giveaway. i can read a person's identity by how they word themselves and the memes they use. And yes, THIS is projection: The declaration that the things one has been blamed for doing are actually being done by others, not the person who's REALLY doing it. Everyone knows i hate Freud and am not in full agreement with Wikipedia's validity ... but... HERE.

and here:

6 a: the act of perceiving a mental object as spatially and sensibly objective; also : something so perceived b: the attribution of one's own ideas, feelings, or attitudes to other people or to objects; especially : the externalization of blame, guilt, or responsibility as a defense against anxiety

That last paragraph i included is a gem of poor reading and writing comprehension; where is the completion of the statement? But i wont redirect into complaints about writing skills... Go read the rest of the assault from the ignorant "Stunned" over here. These are exactly the kinds of holier than thou people i can't stand; the ones who talk out their asses in order to make themselves feel better about their own shitty actions. They may sound good on the surface, but when you know them and you analyze what they have said, you get the truth: they're insecure, selfish, arrogant, and best of all, have a personal ax to grind against me (or whoever they're ranting at; and, yeah, i rant too, but at least my rants have some basis of reality to them instead of creative vocabulary and context-free, pack animal attack mentality). This person is more interested in being RIGHT, not being correct and i am not the least bit embarrassed to showcase it.

ASHAMED to be an "American," part one

i want to be dead.
dead dead dead.
kill me kill me kill me.

is that statement going to get me more home invasions and forced medication by ignorant motherfuckers called "the law" and "people who care?" You stupid bastards....

if i had the strength (and money), i would start a legal battle against 201, 302, and 304. Fuck, i don't even know what "law" these sections come from. They are designed to remove your civil rights. How is that a just law?

Our constitution is a pile of lies because it's been amended to uselessness and laws have been created to obfuscate, block and side-step it. The pursuit of life, LIBERTY and HAPPINESS. FUCKING BULLSHIT.

that's all you get

too painful to read it, but, apparently,

not too painful for me to live it.

i'm punished for fighting and punished for trying to die,

even though my suicidal gestures have been only that,

... really.

what i do, never enough - what i've tolerated doesn't count.

my disability means nothing; i don't even have one, cunts.

i've nothing left to give because i've given it all,

yet i'm told to "give", "be", "do", "shut up"

"write a book", "he's manipulative"

faith, self love, trust in jesus

pray, masturbate, wish upon a falling star

humanity, just beasts

the world, nothing & nowhere

fuck, shit, piss.

pointless entry

pointless blog

in the end,

i get nothing,

so i'll give nothing.

do you like stories?

this might not be your thing but this, as cheesy as it might be to some of you, made me feel.
i mean really FEEL.

http://www.starblazers.com/comicshome.php#

me being a sucker for redemption tales, and all...

NOTE: the web page is in REVERSE chronological order. Start with episode ONE at the bottom and work your way up!!

The series has a LONG LONG back story, but this is well written enough to fill you in on needed plot elements. Just take your time.

i share what moves me emotionally, hoping people will learn from it to know me. i hope some of it reaches it's intended goal.


...tears....

takeout only

i can't ignore the world's demands

but it sure as hell ignores my needs