Effexor Experiences

Here are some words from Effexor users describing their experiences with the "antidepressant" found on message boards such as pandamedicine.com, the effexor activist's message board, and topix.com.

“I complained to my doctor the first day I took Effexor and was told "you either want to get better or you don't" so I continued to take the drug. I had had depression before in my life but I had never attempted to kill myself until after starting Effexor. I tried to kill myself 3 times because I didn't know who I was anymore and thought I was going crazy. I developed a seizure disorder and they never connected it to the Effexor but I haven't had a seizure in months and I have been off of it for several months now. I still don't feel like myself and I don't know how to make it better. Withdrawl was pure physical hell for about 6 to 8 weeks and I still think I am going through some withdrawl symptoms. I had my doctor tell a while back that maybe I should go on a small dose and try to wean off again and I said NO WAY. When I would tell them I felt more depressed they just kept doubling my dosage. It caused me to have rage, anger, so many things that I had never felt or said before. I have lost everything and am still floundering trying to get my life back or some form of it. I have contacted a lawyer to try and pursue this but thought I would provide you with a quick overview”

“My brothers case is truly tragic. In the 4 month period he was presribed 300mg he became extremely manic. He went into an unprecedented spending frenzy that left him in debt for over $900,000. He is now facing bankruptcy and the loss of his 16 year old fine carpentry business.”

"One day I'm okay, the next I'm planning out my suicide. Today is one of those days, just wrote yet another letter to my family explaining why I have to end my life. I have two small children who I love with all of my heart, but I am in such mental anguish that life is just not worth living anymore. Also, I've become so irritable that I think that I would be doing them a favor in the end. I fear that my brain is permanently damaged.”

"“Ive had all the horrible experiences with effexor, and I was never warned by anyone about how screwed up the side effects of this drug are. Thank God my issues haven't been as serious as the ones I've read about on this board. I suffered from the crazy dreams, inability to wake up, brain shocks, dulled sex drive/function, and a complete lack of concentration. "

“I am on effexor (150) and just tryed to kill myself. I need help, becuase my doc. said that it was becuase of my drug. I am so sacred of my pill and I am getting off, but should I file a lawsuit? Am I justfided at doing this, I can hardly afford the hospital bill as I am only 15 and my parents want me to pay for it what should I do?”

“I TOOK MYSELF OFF EFFEXOR XR ALL AT ONCE. I COULD NOT SLEEP WHILE I WAS TAKING THIS DRUG. ALSO, MY LIVER ENZYMES LEVEL WENT BACK TO NORMAL AFTER TAKING MYSELF OFF THIS DRUG. I FEEL ALOT BETTER NOW. I CAN ACTUALLY SLEEP . ALTHOUGH I DID HAVE AWHILE THERE WHERE IT WAS HARD , I DONE IT. I DON\'T WALK AROUND FEELING DRUGGED UP ALL THE TIME. I BASICALLY HAD NO EMOTIONS WHILE ON THIS DRUG, GOOD OR BAD. IT WAS LIKE I WASN\'T EVEN MYSELF. I HAD TO WORRY FOR AWHILE THAT SOMETHING WAS WRONG WITH MY LIVER. THAT IN ITSELF WAS VERY SCARY.”

“I have been on it for at least five years, at this point I know most the symtoms that all of you have mentioned and effexor is dangerous to come off of, I have attempted several times to get off of Effexor and it is not pretty. The side effects that I have while I am on it are just as bad. I would not care if you caught my hair on fire, I dont care about too much. I now have RLS, I can not sleep, some kind of seizures or shaking (not to be confused with brain shivers during withdrawl) if I do sleep, night sweats, leg aches and weight gain are some of the few. I could come up with more but my memory is not as sharp as it was in the past. I have told and asked doctors about this, they act as if I was making this up in the early stages of my encounter with this drug. I guess now they are some what saying that there is a problem. I have gone from 225mg down to 75mg a day over a long time and I still have a way to go, God bless you all.”

“i have been on effexor 150mgs,for over 5 months now. i am currently tapering down,with the help of my dr,even though she was mad that i wanted off of it.it ruined me.turned me into somebody i never was.i quit my job of 4 1/2 years,and went crazy on a shopping spree,bouncing checks,and losing my checking account that i had for 4 years.i now have all of this to pay off,no job.my credit is trashed.i have never done anything illegal in my life,until this damn rat poisoning got into my brain. Tricia”

“I have been on it for a year, I am comming off it now and am in living hell. While on it I bounced checks, ran up credit cards, just didn't care. It was like it created a monster. I couldn't figure out why it made me do this. I was always responsible before. So, now I have to try to peice my life back together and over come the withdrawl."

"My husband lost all senses of reality after only taking this medication after THREE WEEKS which led to suicide. There is no history of mental illness or suicide in his family and has never been treated for any type of mental illnesses. There were no listed side effects with the medication when he started taking it other than possible nightmares. He was only 23 yrs old and left behind a wife and two small children who will not give up until justice is done.”

"I too just shoved my problems in the closet, I've had to learn all over how to deal with my emotions. I was on Effexor for five years...
But I feel great now that I'm off of it! I'm healthier, happier, and more vibrant.
I really feel that this medication robbed me of four years of my life...and I have whole sections of my memory that are missing. My hands trembled, I had chest pains, lost most of my coordination, and forgot entire conversations while taking this medication.
I am so relieved to be free from it.”

“a psychiatric nurse practitioner handed out a 75 mg prescription for effexor to my boyfriend after talking to him for less than 20 minutes. He was doing well on risperidone for an undiagnosed schizoeffective dissorder. He had no complaints, but he trusted the nurse and began taking it. after less than a week the panic attacks, night terrors and feelings of "being posessed" were unbearable. He contacted the nurse practitioner and she told him to just stop taking it and he would be fine by the end of the day. two days later he slit his wrists."

“only took it a short while but the nightmares it gave me caused me to go off it after only a month or two”

“this drug should not be prescribed as it can be lethal and dangerous-My wife Has spent the last 2 years literaly bedridden- From this evil drug-“

“I was told over & over & over again that there was no withdrawal with EFFEXOR. I almost went to jail 2 times, thought of suicide, homicide and lost my relationship with my daughter for a few years over these side effects and withdrawals. I was a horrible mess and I get nauseous at the thoughts of what was and what could have been had I listened to the DR'S & pharmacists.”

“I started at 75 and went to 150 then last april my mom died in a car accident and the docs answer was "up your effexor" to 225. i started having facial swelling and hives and it would come and go. then i started having "blow your brain out" middle of the night 2 a.m headaches that would wake me from a sound sleep and i thought my brain would burst out my eyes. it felt just like someone was squeezing my brain, i could hardly walk, i had slurred speech, could half see and facial numbness. i would make it downstairs get a cup of tea with my husbands help and sit up the rest of the night scared as hell to go back to sleep for fear of dying in my sleep.”

"This is is day 8 of my going off of this drug, called Effexor ( Please Google "Effexor withdrawal". Wish I had before ever taking a single capsule).
After a week, I thought things were improving immensely. My"Brain zaps" seem to have been decreasing in frequency. Those are freaky. Like electrical shocks in your head! And you hear them. Like synapses misfiring. Remember the movie "altered States"? Really reminiscent of those morphing moments. Sure, I was still dizzy, light-headed, short-term-memory for s**t, blood-pressure 149/100, pulse 90 at rest, feel like bugs crawling all over my skin, eyeballs hurt, diarrhea, and my dick completely disappeared!
Also, autonomic stuff, like swallowing, has become a problem. If I'm prostrate in bed i start choking on my own saliva because that flap that sends food to one place and air to your lungs doesn't close when it should! And my speech comes haltingly. Not good for a professional announcer.
Night terrors in the last week are like nothing I have ever thought possible. Violent, ultra-disturbing dreams, usually involving animals and mutilation and unspeakable hereto for unthinkable thoughts of purest horror. Never ..."

“Effexor XR is the most one of the most dangerous drugs out there. The withdrawl is horrifying. Now my husband is going through withdrawl and his anger is intolerable. This could break up our marriage. All I can do for him is read what others have to say on the iternet. Let's get Wyeth to come clean!!!”"

“I too am a victim of this horrible drug--a so-called 'medicine' which was passed by the FDA for public consumption on the strength of (count 'em) 2 clinical trials. Both were only short-term (3 months) and involved between 2-5000 people. It took me 3 tries to get off effexor and many horrible symptoms. Before I took effexor I was a healthy man who seldom saw a doctor. Since, I am almost constantly sick with something or other. My health hasn't been the same. "

“Wyeth has insidiously turned trusting consumers seeking relief from depression into drug addicts that are forced to take their product. Personally I worry more about having enough Effexor than about having enough to eat. Oh, and I am back to taking the Effexor XR. I found myself at work crying because I felt so bad and one of the MD's I work with told me to restart it...”

“I doubt one single person on this whole earth would have ever put one single pill in there mouth if they had been told about the withdrawel effects. Don't give up..it will end..sometime...WITHOUT suicide so don't give up...fight it out, fight it hard...you have it in you. Just take every SECOND at a time, not every minute, every second and you'll get through it...you'll come out on the other end...we all can't give up..we have to get through this to stop the drug companies that made this and knowingly never took it off the market even after they knew what was happening. 2 days ago, I wouldn't have been able to offer any support..but now almost into my 14th day..I'm hurting bad emotionally, but nothing compared to where I was at 40 hours ago... I'm getting better...some people have gotten better faster then me, some longer, but I keep reading of people getting better.”

“..all suicide thoughts are now gone, my head feels completely clear of the chaos and the anger is gone. I'm on Celexa now for depression, which has taken awhile to "kick in" but today I feel way less depressed, but no less ready to fight against this drug company.”

not just the ones overturning cars and planters

HONK HONK HONK HONK HONK!!!
in the night, carhorns blast like bombs.
you’re ALL terrorists.

Fuck This Country: Police Don't Protect or Serve

VictoryGrey, like most people, has to go to work in the morning. It IS morning already. In Philadelphia, there are RIOTS. Yes, RIOTS.

Why? Governmental election? No.
The Phucking Phillies won A BASEBALL GAME.

Anti-society, hear VictoryGrey cry out at the horror surrounding her at home (a person I worry for and care about):

(in comments on her own story)

"my nerves are shot. there are several helicopters flying around the area and i'm pretty sure i just heard someone's property being destroyed outside. wtf is wrong with people? :( 12:12 and all mayhem continues unabated."
12:12 AM, October 30, 2008

Then:

"helicopters still buzz overhead. police response summed up in this article:

"Right now, we're just going to let themselves tire themselves out," said Tanya Little, a police spokeswoman."

"while they're still tiring themselves out by shouting their way down my street, i wonder, how do i get tired out?"
1:11 AM, October 30, 2008

[My emphasis used above]

VictoryGrey needs sleep to function. Like me. Like Jace. Like YOU.

THIS is law and order? THIS is humanity?

THAT was a "POLICE SPOKESWOMAN??"

NOT "Serving" or "Protecting" as the slogan used to be, but sitting along on the sidelines doing nothing because it's easier than DOING THEIR FUCKING JOBS.

Oh you huddled masses of creatures called human beings... learn your lesson well:

Non-Americans:
DON'T MOVE HERE. I want to move the fuck out.
This country is anarchy and a 1984-like, media-controlled, reality-twisting, history revisioning dictatorship. As Jace said: THIS IS THE DYSTOPIA.

Our law officials do NOTHING to quell the madness of the group mind (the unintelligentsia group mind, I add). Our law officials do NOTHING for the homeless OR the innocents huddling in their homes afraid of having rioters injure them, destroy their property, or kill them... all over A MOTHERFUCKING SPORTS GAME.

Step aside "nationalism."
Step aside "god."
Here comes the thing Amerikans TRULY worship:

"SPORTS"

FUCK THIS COUNTRY.
FUCK THIS COUNTRY.
FUCK THIS COUNTRY.

Jace's Correspondence with Coplay Police Chief

Read HERE in Rich Text Format.

Adults Terrified of Autistic Children?

This was posted as a comment on NowPublic in response to Jace's article about Sociopathy and Psychopathy (here):

"Patricia Dascher (not verified)
at 20:29 on October 8th, 2008

I am searching for help for my nephew. His mother died last year. Her adopted son, Zac, did not seem to have any feelings during the months she suffered and died of cancer. He was obsessed with his friends, football and school. I was with my brother and Tammy throughout the time she was dying. No one could have been a more compassionate husband in caring for his wife. And no mother and father could have been more dedicated to their son than Tammy and Randy. They were at every game and school function for Zac there was. Tammy became a teacher's aid to make sure Zac who is Aspergers did OK in school. She was there for him.

Yet throughout the time she was dying, he showed no love, emotion or feelings for her. He was totally into himself. He spent a lot of time on the computer. At that time he took his dad's credit card and orders hundreds of dollars worth of sports equipment. No guilt. Only anger that his parents were upset about it and grounded him from the computer.

After his mom died he wrote a eulogy that brought everyone to tears. This is the boy that showed no emotion while she was alive. His friend stood up with him when he read his eulogy and everyone cried for Zac.

Six months later Zac wrote a eulogy for his dad and posted it on the internet. He then tried to poison his father. He was put in a psychiatric hospital and then in the county jail. His dad got a lawyer and got him out of jail. I took my nephew in since he can't live with my brother, his father any more. He is on probation.

He shows no guilt. What is the difference between a psychopath, sociopath and aspergers?"

I posted the following comment as a follow-up, hoping it would help Patricia:

This is disturbing. Thank you for writing. I will try to differentiate between sociopathy and psychopathy first, as the DSM and most people of authority WONT (and don't know how to [or why it's important to do so]).

- Sociopath's do not typically actively participate directly in the physical harm of others. Sociopathy is an anti-social personality disorder. Read the flawed but accessible "The Sociopath Next Door" by Martha Stout. She does not distinguish between Sociopathy and Psychopathy very well, as it seems to have been a late revision to the book (seemingly previously titled "The Psychopath Next Door," according to web research on Stout and the book). The book is very good at describing and giving examples of sociopathy. Sociopaths try very hard to APPEAR to fit social norms, but this is paranoia and a way of hiding their true motivations: everything they do is a game for themselves to win over others. They tend to stop at direct physical assault (meaning they don't commit murder or cause physical injuries to people, but the psychological damage they do is worse since it's hidden). Sociopaths also may indirectly cause damage, death and other openly malignant effects by way of their antipathetic business decisions. Example: the sociopathic behavior of car companies which do cost analyses on which is more expensive: fixing a known dangerous defect, or dealing with the expected legal compensation the resulting injuries/deaths will cause. They choose the least expensive (more profit bearing) option. This is indirect murder. But you are unlikely to see a sociopath actually, in person, physically injure or assault someone other than their family members (and in those cases, it is in rage and often carefully done to avoid detection by outsiders). I argue that sociopaths do more damage to society because they are rarely, if ever, filtered out like psychopaths tend to be.

- Psychopathy is a related anti-social personality disorder which looks and behaves just like sociopathy with the very important difference that a psychopath is assured of their invulnerability and feels no need to hide their "grandeur" from seeing eyes. Psychopaths will not put out the same effort as a sociopath to APPEAR to fit the social norms. Like a sociopath, everything a psychopath does is a game for their own benefit and amusement. They are not insecure or paranoid like a sociopath. A psychopath WILL resort to direct actions of violence, instructing others to commit violence for them or doing it themselves. This is why they tend to get filtered out of society. In the end, the damage they do is horrific, but it's on a really small scale (with the exceptions of cult leaders who kill their followers in suicide orders).

A sociopath may become a psychopath. There is not much existing data to specify why or how, but it likely depends on the following:

- How successful is the sociopath? If VERY successful, they develop more delusions of security and invulnerability.

- How psychologically damaged is the sociopath from childhood? If there is extreme damage, sociopathy is merely a stage on the road to psychopathy.

Here comes the scary part. The origin of both of these personality disorders, and this is NOT and assessment you will find elsewhere other than dysamoria.com, seems to come from a progression that has roots in autism.

Autistic people are all different. Some cannot function without aid. Others are very high functioning, such as those with high functioning Asperger's Syndrome. Having autism DOES NOT MEAN having anti-social personality disorders.

Explanation: People with generally high functioning autism will not be diagnosed as having any specific developmental challenges. This leads to putting demands on them that they cannot meet due to their very nature. Scholastic, social, whatever. This also leads to abuse from parents (as they push their child to do more than the child is able) and peers (who "observe" differences in the autistic person that make them uncomfortable or just intolerant and rough). Long term exposure to toxic life experiences lead to things like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. PTSD and BPD are neurological defense mechanisms developed to protect the functioning of the person who is under constant assault. They can go undiagnosed unless specific events trigger stimulus-response behavior. People with BPD tend to develop a tolerance to feelings of remorse, guilt, responsibility to others, and other social norms because they've "learned" through abuse that no one else will protect them except themselves. They develop very "independence obsessed" life goals and are often unable to maintain relationships and employment for very long before they cycle into behaviors that destroy those relationships and workplace harmony (granted, the USA is largely sociopathic in its employment, so a better gauge is personal relationships and how they repeat the same patterns).

BPD has evidence (apparently not officially researched, but very strong in anecdotal examples) of being a stepping stone between an abused autistic and a sociopath.

Why autistics? They are greatly susceptible to and likely targets of abuse. Simple as that. Abuse leads to defense. You would be shocked at the number of people out there who are probably very diagnosable as having BPD (but who are not diagnosed or who are misdiagnosed with ADD/ADHD, bipolar disorder, cyclothemia, etc). It's just as much an epidemic as autism (and why not, since they seem to dovetail so well and appear as cause and effect in an indirect manner).

There is NO REASON to assume ANY autistic person is or will become a sociopath/psychopath. I am simply describing a pathology as I have observed it countless times both first hand and through third parties.

There are MANY MYTHS about autism that are JUST PLAIN UNTRUE.

Autism DOES NOT EQUATE TO:

- lack of empathy.
- naive, inappropriate, one-sided interaction
- little ability to form and sustain friendship
- poor non-verbal communication

These four bullet points are crap that author (and self appointed expert) Tony Atwood wrote, writes and is used as a citation in academic research papers. It's distorted, incomplete, pop-media stereotyping.

- lack of empathy is perceived from individuals who are overwhelmed with empathy and who have shut down to protect their sensitive nervous systems and emotional systems.
- naive is not a curse and is not permanent
- inappropriateness is extremely vague and open to variation in social/cultural norms
- one-sided interaction can ALSO be caused by the total disinterest of the OTHER party. Have you ever tried to tell someone about something that excited you but bored the other person?
- non-verbal communication MAY or MAY NOT be lacking, as this is a LEARNED behavior for ALL humans. If it is lacking, it can be learned through education or mimicry.

Most important:

The myths about autism/aspergers allow people to create assumptions that are dangerous to disabled people who need care, love, nurturing and everything else any other human being needs. To assume these myths are fact is to do a hideous disservice to these persons with a neurologically different brain structure and who already face life challenges. They are not evil, cruel, or fated to become either. If you abuse someone, you WILL create a damaged person. Monsters are not born, they are made.

Since I don't know Zac's age, I can only hypothesize. If he was adopted, it would be important to know the biological parents' histories, behaviorisms, genetics, family history and the age of the adoption. No matter the care you give a damaged person, they are going to receive that care from a distorted perspective. Not knowing about this distorted perspective means you cannot correct for it. If Zac has AS, he also is likely to have other comorbid conditions such as depression, social anxiety and a hard time fitting in. He may have been harassed, abused, neglected, etc., by enough people in his world that his adopted parents know nothing about. Sometimes children do not report these things to their parents because they feel ashamed or embarrassed of their "failures." Also, if they have or wish to have an extroverted personality, they may overcompensate with new behaviors that they mimic from peers. Take the gruff USA male image into consideration and force that onto a child who is sensitive and under assault. Imagine forcing the tough guy attitude onto that child when it is unnatural for him. He tries to fit in by observing others and behaving the same way, usually mechanically, because it isn't natural for them. This is the road to obsessive behavior and type-A personality (among other things). "Control Freaks" come from this kind of upbringing.

Who encouraged Zac to get into sports? Was it encouragement or pushing? What kind of social ties does he have at school and outside? Are his peers arrogant and wealthy? What "castes" has Zac been in during his schooling years? Unless you take all of this, and more, into account, you can't analyze or judge the cause and effects nor work on solutions or corrections.

It sounds to me like Zac is one of the following:

- high functioning autistic with severe sensitivities that have been beaten into numbness and now all of his actions are mechanical and based on personal rewards gains since he has perceived his peers to have become socially acceptable by doing what they do (act like manly, unemotional, testosterone filled sportsmen with lots of access to expensive sporting equipment and obsessed with oneupmanship). In this case, the eulogy was a very well crafted piece of writing designed to simulate what "normal people do" while the second eulogy for the poisoned father was a result of having perceived social reward for the first eulogy. Automatic behaviors without thoughts of consequences outside of personal social acceptance by the larger groups of people. Likely he has BPD and didn't consider the consequences of his actions other than action A leads to reward B. 1+1=2. He may simply have no emotional ties to his adoption parents or have had to repress so much of his native emotional functioning that he no longer knows HOW to emote or experience emotions of empathy, guilt, remorse, etc. This does not mean that he is a sociopath, nor does it mean he is "bad because he has asperger's." Either way, if things happened as you described, he needs intervention with skilled, educated and modern thinking professionals. Avoid any materials by Tony Atwood and doctors/counselors who seem to favor Atwood. Conversely, Atwood has entrenched himself into the AS book community, so don't toss out a potentially good book if he happened to have written a forward or review for one. There is at least one super excellent book that has a forward by him and the book is not diminished at all because of it. Definitely avoid people who assume Atwood's bullet points (as I showed above) are truth and fact. Avoid people who assume Asperger's Syndrome = incapable of empathy. Avoid people who use the DSM like a bible.

- Or, maybe there is neurological trauma that has gone unrecognized. Zac may have suffered neurological damage (brain damage) to portions of his brain that allow the normal processing of information. This means raw information and emotional processing could be impaired. There are many cases to cite and I wont even try to list any. I've written too much here already. It is a fact: the brain is the mind. The mind is the brain. If something is damaged, the organ will not function "normally." It is worth investigating this if Zac is younger than 16. BPD tends to start to be recognizable from 16 and up. Either way, look into this as a potential issue that might have more targeted treatment. He could have AS AND some other kind of neurological issues that are not yet diagnosed.

I hope this information is useful to you in some way. If you would like to communicate directly with those of us at dysamoria.com, please email to dysamoria at dysamoria dot com. If there is any advise we can give beyond this, we'd be happy to try. We are NOT doctors. We cannot officially diagnose or prescribe. We simply have strong personal interests and experiences in these areas and are eager to be as much help to others as possible because we and those we care for have suffered for lack of proper care and knowledge.

Best wishes to you,

-Intransitivus
dysamoria.com

phantom limb syndrome [Previously Unpublished]

"As I had been looking online for his current email address I discovered his blog (on Blogger, of course) and that he's in a 4-year relationship. That produced a jittery response in me, and for a solid hour it was all I could think of (foot-tapping and all). I was waiting at the DMV for my replacement driver license, so it didn't interfere with life, but I was still a little surprised that my reaction was that intense. Yes, after 16 years he still matters to me. Closure is never what I've wanted there, only acceptance."

i am not at all shocked or surprised. i was with jana for about a year when we (her & i and john&tammy) ran into kristin at Barnes & Noble. i had an intense reaction. It offended jana. It took quite some time for her to be "okay" with and "understand" the situation.

 She had never been through what i had been through. Her longest relationship was "dating" and it lasted weeks to a month or so. She had zero relationship experience prior to me and in the end it really showed, despite spending 7 fucking years at it with me.

 Lazy, selfish, insecure emotional child.

 i would have extremely intense reactions to crossing paths with her today. 

i have enough of a reaction to seeing kristin briefly through her blog, though it somewhat relieves me to find that she is exactly what i expected, as lame as that is. When she appeared at Barnes & Noble, i was pissed that, after months of not wearing it, i was wearing the hooded, over-sized sweater i had that she made fun of, and she even commented to tammy that i was "apparently still the same old jace" ... it pissed me off. i think i threw the fucking thing in a drawer and let it sit for a year or two before jana encouraged me to get rid of it with the clothing we were taking to the Salvation Army shop.

 It bothered me to continue to see [name]'s selfishness in her blog. It annoys me that judy never changed her address with the university, despite me telling her, twice, about mail coming to me. It would bother me to run into any of these people. Most of all, elise.

 i've fantasized about her showing up on my doorstep looking to make friendly and me telling her off, and then realizing that i am not sure i could [tell her off].

These things affect us. We only think we're beyond them because the parts of our brains containing these people stop being referenced. They go dormant. When something directly accesses those parts of our brains, we are shocked to find them still there, and then shocked to find them still the way they were last time. These parts never really go away. We just stop accessing them, for the most part. This is why i envy people who have made friends with their former lovers/mates. It allows a person to change that portion of their brain that holds the internal existence of the person and takes away the potential for future shock and surprise.

phantom limb syndrome, specifically pain, is the exact analogue to my loss of lovers. It happens for the same reason. It also happens because of the other things i said about memory of lovers in the previous email: the brain content is still there. In this case, though, that entire section of brain material becomes "illegal territory" because the removal of the "limb" is painful. This is why people try to close it off, shut it down and eliminate all paths to it. Pathways to these parts become active or available after long periods of dormancy by simply attaining a new lover or mate; it is by association with having had one before... "Which one was that? OW!" and then "and the others... OW!" [insert stimuli and responses here]

[written by Jace, previously unpublished. Originally written 2/2/08 at 4:54 AM - Intransitivus]

Dysamoria Blog: Change of Ownership

People requested the blog content be put back. The request was considered. Ownership of this blog and the "dysamoria" account was left to others. They'll publish and edit as they see fit. Some content will be purged. An archive of the original blog will post as a zip file in next few weeks, probably. (UPDATE: most personal postings from Jace will be purged and only articles will be kept)

The artwork and writings of Jace Cavacini will be posted in some different form later. Turning this blog back on is the quickest way to start the process. Dysamoria at NowPublic.com also changed ownership.

Jace Cavacini is dead. Those responsible did nothing to help. The blog will continue to post about it at some point. Other posts will be about AS, autism, human rights, health, healthcare, antisocial society, protesting the sickness of the United States of America, politics, social/anthropological and other related topics.

The term "dysamoria" remains valid.

Welcome to antisociety.
Citizens betrayed by their own.

no one learns, and i lose to your ignorance

the repeating dream:
i entrusted the care of my cats to a household of other people.
those i trusted and believed in
when i returned,
no cats. nothing said to me
i had to ask about them
they were dead.
no explanation.
ever.

combined with the dreams about "my other house"
forgotten, abandoned, animals suffering...
where is it???

BRING ME THERE!!!!

this is hell. sleep, stage 5, R.E.M.
hell. most active and restless stage of sleep.

cannot focus
art projects
no rest
unable to
let things go.

"why can't you see that every thing's broken?
why does it seem this life's turned grey?
i can't believe in anything sacred
when i don't believe that i am real."

i am alone
locked in my memories
there's nowhere left for me to hide
but i am not real..."

"... why does it seem that everything's different
and why does it seem that only you are real?
i don't believe in anything sacred
so why do i feel so damned alone-

-i need someone to break the silence
that's screaming in my head
and in my soul."

-- track 4. wither, blister, burn and peal.
-- track 9 is even better.
-- maybe this is the best album they made.
-- you figure out who it is.

i am afraid
i want to live my life, but
fearful of evil abuses
like the 302/304
done by my biological parents...

they've learned NOTHING.

NOTHING

"i'm finding it so hard to hold on"

but there's no out for me, just more

PUNISHMENT

Punish the Suicidal Instead of Helping Them

UPDATED HERE: NowPublic.com (re-dated for the day i was released from hospitalization prison)

Instead of asking ourselves how we contributed to the choice of self termination (or how we complacently did nothing - how we maybe could have helped prevent it, as a society, in general), let's call them sick and selfish! Let us, in our arrogance and antipathy, rush them along to the end! (Joe calls this the "Feeding Frenzy: people don't kick people WHEN they're down, they kick them BECAUSE they're down.")

What if you have everything that makes you who you are taken from you?What if your every waking and sleeping moment is filled with memories of rejection, harassment, abuse, or never feeling allowed to just plain be a part of society? How fucking righteous would you really be when all you can remember is cold, heartless disinterest or outright cruelty? See what choices YOU make when you have only ONE left that offers relief.

But no, we don't accept suicide as an option. No sir, not in this nation. Suicide is selfish and stupid. Just like abortion is selfish and stupid. Just like being vegetarian is stupid and pointless.

Suicide isn't painless, but maybe more people need to LISTEN TO ACTUAL SUICIDAL PEOPLE; practice EMPATHY! Discover why suicide becomes hope for relief.

fuck it; people still don't even believe in Asperger's Syndrome. Comprehending suicide as freedom is even more difficult to grasp.

disturbed (a "short summary" of what disturbs me about this world)
http://dysamoria.com/blog/2007/12/disturbed.html

"Google" search "suicide" (go to "Read This First")
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=suicide&btnG=Google+Search

Here's a PERFECT excerpt from the above "Read This First" page:

"Start by considering this statement:

“Suicide is not chosen; it happens
when pain exceeds
resources for coping with pain.”

That’s all it’s about. You are not a bad person, or crazy, or weak, or flawed, because you feel suicidal. It doesn’t even mean that you really want to die - it only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now. If I start piling weights on your shoulders, you will eventually collapse if I add enough weights... no matter how much you want to remain standing. Willpower has nothing to do with it. Of course you would cheer yourself up, if you could.

Don’t accept it if someone tells you, “that’s not enough to be suicidal about.” There are many kinds of pain that may lead to suicide. Whether or not the pain is bearable may differ from person to person. What might be bearable to someone else, may not be bearable to you. The point at which the pain becomes unbearable depends on what kinds of coping resources you have. Individuals vary greatly in their capacity to withstand pain.

When pain exceeds pain-coping resources, suicidal feelings are the result. Suicide is neither wrong nor right; it is not a defect of character; it is morally neutral. It is simply an imbalance of pain versus coping resources.

You can survive suicidal feelings if you do either of two things: (1) find a way to reduce your pain, or (2) find a way to increase your coping resources. Both are possible." - © Copyright 1995-2006 Martha Ainsworth. All rights reserved.

1. My reduction of pain, or attempts thereof, have been to seek to understand people better so as to work with them better. i tried my damned hardest to harmonize at work with a sociopath who was impossible to please.

2. My attempts at increasing my coping mechanisms have been through art and other solitary activities. These no longer work because the big issue is isolation and loneliness. So i have sought companionship (from females, in a romantic sense). Somehow, i manage to locate just the right people who say all the right things to me up front... and become someone else later. They blame ME for their changed attitude like the mason blames the stone.

UPDATE 2: from a comment on NowPublic by an editor:

jordan at 10:41 on July 10th, 2008
The Golden Gate Bridge has a suicide-prevention hotline phone on the city-side approach. Sometimes it's out of order!

takeout only

i can't ignore the world's demands

but it sure as hell ignores my needs

autism so deadly

when i cannot sleep,
the organ in my skull breaks down.

when i am drugged to sleep,
the organ in my brain self-tortures.

i become fear. need. loss. hopelessness.



(EDIT: an NPR interview with an insomniac author, which i've not listened to)

peace so delicate, silence so deadly

i think i just made peace with my neighbor, Dotty. i apologized for my mother's unwarranted phone call. Dotty told me her sister died recently; that she's been in a bad mood, too. Her best friend, she said.

"I've lived here too long to be nasty. I'm not a monster." i said i know. i said i wanted to make peace; she said she wants that too. i wish the same were possible for the other neighbor. but we cannot talk.

we never know each other until we talk. even then...

silence is deadly.

if only we were built as stronger creatures so that we COULD talk when we should.

i, too, am not a monster.

brief authorship for those concerned over the potential of my suicidal ideations

a couple of points to make about myself that might be useful to know:

i am aware of being rather intense and dramatic.

i also like hyperbole when telling a tale or making a joke.

when i am in my darkest moments, the same attributes are present, yet they take on a sharper and less romantic tone.

suicide?

oh yes. without anchovies, please.

i mean, c'mon, look at this fucking blog for shit's sake.

as the so-called professionals might say, i ideate. not only do i ideate, i dabble. not to be confused with the spontaneous act of jumping in front of a bus or slitting one's wrists, my dabbling involves clearly reasoning out the causes and effects of the various methodologies one might avail one's self when trying to snuff it. meet death. commit suicide.

i consider myself a rather conscientious person and, while i have evolved from my earlier views on suicide as being "stupid" and "selfish," to a more matured grasp of suicide as a potential exit from repeated torture and unbearable suffering of the mind, i maintain that offing one's self should in no way involve even the potential of risk of harm to other living beings (such as people, though there are many disgusting and horrific human beings that probably would invite my scythe if i were death incarnate, which i am not interested in being - i'd be fired and banned from this realm due to early retirement of rapists, murderers, psychopaths and sociopaths , which would likely enrage the other gods of the realm in "ye olde worlde religione").

the downside to this conscientious manner is that there are very few options available to me when i am most seriously seeking to remove life from my body as quickly as possible so as to no longer experience the side effects of mental abuse upon the brain.

people who think it's easy to commit suicide are either just clueless or insensitive assholes.

guns, explosives, and other projectiles are banned; they cannot be controlled to the level of safety which i would require of myself (or others) handling them. no matter how careful and well planned, there are always unforeseen events which might, or might not, occur.

this bit of that might have enough mass and energy to puncture that bit of this and lead to the unintended injury or death of another. "bang" and "oops" are two things i wont handle together, except as a poor textual joke which would work better as spoken verbiage.

diving in front of traffic, off of buildings and other "sudden deceleration trauma" incidents, have the same flaws: if i dove in front of the next LANTA bus that passes between my road and the GIANT grocery store, the driver might swerve to avoid hitting me and then the various minute options available in Newtonian physics (which people are usually too lazy to consider and simply refer to as "chaos") is free to run rampant. again, object "a" might unintentionally intersect with person "n," which was not my intention.

the "spectacular display" of "splat" has the extra added potential of psychological damage to the people in the environment where you've chosen to go "splat." some people like horror movies. some people do not. fewer people than those who enjoy horror movies will actually enjoy the sudden and unexpected sounds and sights of, say, your skull bursting apart on its way through a windshield into the lap of someone just trying to drive the kids to the little league game between school and dinner. now, you're not only a grossly deformed cripple in prison, but their dinner is ruined and the little league game they were going to has been canceled and will be replaced by a future ceremony for the mass deaths involved at the scene where the driver, prior to passing out from head trauma caused when the windshield and your lower jaw entered their left frontal lobe through their left eye socket, swerved the vehicle in a nervous jolt, causing it to crash into a short school bus currently emptying its load of various youthfully aged walking meat onto the sidewalk.

cutting to the chase: unless you're a total asshole, being truly conscientious of those in your environment (and beyond) will eliminate the majority of "traditional" and "easy access" methods of snuffing one's own candle (as it were).

if you happen to be totally devoid of conscience and are utterly regardless of others, well, there are options aplenty. but, as the selfish fuck that you are, you also need to consider one more risk in the plethora of suicide methodologies before diving in (mind the pun):

"what if you survive?"

they say that things can always get worse. whoever they are, they're correct. if you're not missing body parts already, would you like to survive a suicide attempt with some parts missing? i mean, if you were no longer physically able to attempt further suicide attempts (and remember, assisted suicide is still a continuous legal debate and is, i believe, currently illegal)... what next, asshat? in the mass death scenario above, when you're on trial for causing the massacre, what are your thoughts on how you will get some water down your parched throat when you have no lower jaw and no mobility below your grossly dangling and dried tongue?

i have spent considerable time on this problem (the suicide method problem, not the drinking without a lower jaw problem).

again, look at this fucking blog.

there are books, guides and websites available to people such as myself that offer to provide guidance... but relief from the seriousness of the need to die has thus far come prior to my having developed a reliable, failure proof and "safe" way of offing myself. also, several attempts that had quite a bit of gusto to them (as motivation) have already failed me (duh). i am therefore left with animal sense memories of what hours of nausea and general malaise feels like and which chemical compounds and mixtures caused those animal sense memories.

there's "one of each out there," and surely someone has a sexual fetish for it, but it generally seems to be a universal attribute of complex nervous systems (such as that in the human animal) to utterly despise puking and therefore go to great lengths to avoid repeating whatever stupidities had previously caused it. those of you who have uttered the phrase "never again" into your toilet bowls or rubbish bins will be tilting your heads fore and aft in agreement.

another attribute that i possess which is useful to know prior to interaction with me, my art or my writings is that i am verbose and can, at will, be so verbose as to use complex sentence structure, hyperbole and other techniques to brutally satirize that attribute in myself for one last little bit of punch at the end. hah.

why life has no meaning to me any more

see my blog, below this entry.
all of it.
and i fucking mean ALL of it.
when you're done with that, google my names (jace, cavacini, dysamoria).
read.

i don't belong amongst any of you. not as mono or poly. not as human or autistic.

"i'm so sick of this shit." i've said that before, hundreds of times.

it takes 6 months to a year for anyone to become everything they swore not to. i didn't sign up for this. i don't feel like continuing to take it, or wait in fear for it to strike, or ASK for it by asking for answers and wanting closure from selfish shitheads or people i thought were better than selfish shitheads.

why must i be nailed to your fucking crucifixes for the crime of "having a heart and soul, caring about people, believing in them" and, worst of all: "having a mind of my own" ??

who are you when you're alone?

i know who i am
do you know who you are?
which version are you right now?
which version is "the real you?"
when you're not under someone else's influence,
who are you and does it matter?

a friend, lover, care taker, trainer, controller, manipulator, transactional opportunist?

"i'll be better," you said.

this, is not. you're another step over the line.
"the counterbalance" it is not.
that's transactional thinking, which i don't do.
remember?

do you even know who i am,
for all your research?

i should have stopped.
december should have been all i needed.
now i know that it is meaningless,
who and what i am... meaningless.

you've taken more leeway than i've authorized.
but i guess i have no rights, right?

you're finding ways to fault me for your insecurities,
damn me for my honesty, and take a superior position,
just like everyone eventually does.

i'm autistic, not stupid, remember?
i'm not a child, i'm traumatized.

i know a lot more than it seems
and i have a great statistic for being correct.

don't come around again if "that" person is the real you.
the december you.
the aggressor
transactional relationship manager.

i'm so tired of false advertizing, taking the blame, and then being beaten for standing up for myself. so if you're not you, collect your possessions and stab me on the way out. i'd rather it be a real blade, in my flesh, instead of soured memories and hidden injuries for a fucking change.

women want a man they can change.
men want a woman who will stay the same.

everyone, male or female, wants to change me.
control me. shape me. be superior than.
so, why should i behave better?

there's no reward,
save for the limited, one year grace period,
plus or minus six months,
which sours soon after.

why should i continue?
give solid reasons.
the statistics are horrific and stacked against me, long term.

i should sell every belonging,
adopt out the cats,
drive far away,
end it all in isolation.

no notes to misconstrue.
no resolution for you.
no corpse to display.
no wishes to betray.
no memory
to defile and whitewash.

just... nothing
nowhere.

who are you when i'm nowhere?
you can be whoever, whenever.
what ever. no change, really.

this is not a threat.
this is a feeling.
it has a cause.

ultimately,
like myself,
irrelevant.

a message for h. e. w. m.

i miss the times when you were hot for me...
"snap!" you said...

i miss the times when you were open minded,
and thinking about what YOU wanted,
instead of being told who was right for you.

i suppose i only have myself to blame,
since i stopped the "natural flow"
in order to be "responsible" and respect him...

how foolish of me.

seeking the kind (can't live without 'em - ii)

when they are selfish, irresponsible and immature, they are but heartless deadly monsters with hollow words,

tearing at my flesh, my heart, as reavers, ripping me into strips of meat to be devoured...

vegetarian girl or carnivorous woman, there is no distinction; they are but beautiful and murderous predators.

somehow, there are others... different;

responsible, mature, wise, empathetic, self controlled creatures of thought and heart,

who follow through, in action, with the words which they proclaim... more than mere advertisement.

they save a part of me,

with each and every kindness given.

and i love these beautiful creatures of kindness.

it is a shame that the kind ones are so few,

and their acts of kindness are so outnumbered

by the reavers' spears, hooks, blades and arrows of selfish cruelty.

worse, still, some of the formerly kind

are made into the new selfish breed,

by suffering rape and pillaging,

giving in to the reaver within...

but, without those few loving beauties,

the true, the real, the thoughtful and the honest,

i would be dead by the hands of the beautiful...

the beautiful lying beasts.

it is for the love and the kindness i go on...

it is because of the lovers and the kind ones,

that i continue to exist.

trying to meet with death

five thirty am. the only woman ever to show me loving behavior, asleep in my bed. i am not able to have her with me as long as i would prefer. selfish. i know it. five thirty am. she is in my bed and i am in my bathroom, fingers pressed against my neck, seeking a carotid artery. once found, fingers resting, pulsing up and down with the beat.

i didn't want to cut my vocal cords. i didn't want to dig. i just wanted to find one simple spot to open up and sit down to bleed out.

i fell to the floor.

ill.

cried.

thought of the
woman in my bed
cats, family, music, photography

cried.

i couldn't physically end my own life because it made me ill.

and this is where i am. i did not seek this. i did not choose this path.

and this is where i am.

laying at my side as i type, the only person to treat me in a loving manner. crying at each other.

it is not revenge i seek for those who have lead me to this. it isn't even justice. that's not possible. this is not what life is supposed to be. not what i should be doing at five thirty am, or typing at three fifty-five pm when i have loving kindness next to me. but it is what it is. and those that have lead me to this "place" in "my life" are many. no doubt several of them, females, have sought a meeting with death themselves.

from them, i expect nothing. what i want or wanted stopped mattering the moment they exited that space between intimate and foreign.

from the collective known as my employers, i expect the same: nothing. but i know what i want. this is not a desire for revenge. i desire to punish my victimizers. not like spanking a child. but that does have a sort of sweet sound to it when considered. physical acts are pointless. all they know is one thing: money. the only way to "injure" cruelty and greed is to take away some of its toys.

knowing the chances... i've been courting death.

if life springs forth from "woman," why wouldn't "death" be female, too?

this is how my life ends

this is how my life ends
this is how my life ends

not with a bang but a whimper.

(with apologies to t.s. eliot)

william fucking jefferson, sharon fucking picus

YOU FUCKING OWE ME, YOU BLOOD SUCKING SOCIOPATHIC FUCKS! jace cavacini is a HUMAN BEING WITH RIGHTS which YOU VIOLATED

YOU OWE ME MILLIONS!!!!

the catch woke up screaming again

and no one is here to come ease my mind...
because i'm alone, as you left me, elise.

you said i was "a catch"
when you dropped me...
fucking prove it.

you can't, can you?

i should be satisfied with what i have...
yes, i know this... having had so little,
having anything at all should be enough.

but i want more.

i shouldn't have to suffer dreams like that...
it's proof of the considerable damage done,
that i have no control over how it affected me.

we don't select our nightmares

those who have done the damage owe me reparations,
which will never come from their selfish hands.
just as their apologies came from insincere mouths of words,
following up the words they used to bait me.

all equally dishonest with themselves and, ultimately,
misleading me through a waste of life,
leading me right back to where i started.

here i am, quivering and distressed,
the dream flashing before my open eyes...
playing back,