nastiness begets nastiness, Brielle

thanks to "able" and others... i bring you a cross posting from myfuckingspace blog:

Monique Junot, as she's currently going by on MySpace.com, is a FRAUD of a person.

Yes, YOU, Brielle.

Also known as KußßKußß or Brialala (on OKC which she deleted) or Brie or Brielle or ZombiePussay on AIM, or ironauricle on tumblr, 0grebattle on LiveJournal, or as countless other fake identities on countless other online communities where she bashes people who are uncool, chats with people who want to get into her pants but pretend to be friends or who act like she's cool, friends that she will disrespect and trash when she feels her own life is of more importance, etc; she likes to post fake arguments with her ex or other guys and lies on a punkrock forum, argue with people for the sake of being right or just plain makes fun of anything and anyone because of how insecure she is.

She is excellent at self portraiture. Don't let her beauty pull you in. She will talk about respect, honesty, self awareness, openness and all the good stuff... but displease her for a second and she'll get angry and run away with some snide remark prior to leaving the room. Displease her and she might even just vanish off the face of the earth and leave you in the dust without knowing what her cause or reason is. The best you'll get is "it's none of your business what i do with my life" no matter how close you thought you were or she said you were. No matter what you've done for her. She cannot handle conflict or emotional vulnerability.

She seemingly can't tell the difference between messages sent automatically by subscription systems and messages sent by YOU, INTENTIONALLY TO HER. (it doesn't help that GMAIL says "From Dysamoria to ME" instead of "Updated Blog Notice"). The more upset she is with something in her personal life, the more likely you are to piss her off unknowingly with something either personal or harmless... because she thinks you're attacking her (see above) or she hasn't told you that she's having personal problems. She clams up and doesn't communicate but you will suffer the costs.

She is very intelligent, skilled, very beautiful and great in bed... unless she's having a bad day/week/month. Then she hates everything, everyone and anything She values having a job over having close friends and lovers and is insecure about employment. She has poor reading comprehension and little tolerance or empathy for people different from her (i cried in her lap for hours because she just got up, said something crude and walked off during a conversation and it didn't mean shit to her how hurt i was by her actions - because i had dared talk over her, JUSTIFYING her childish and elite behavior as if she is all proper and prim - somehow i'm ALWAYS the asshole; YOU will ALWAYS be the asshole). In fact, she doesn't seem to have any emotions other than anger or fear and fear she will try to hide.

"Close friends" means fuckbuddy. All as soon as she finds a better alternative to you or goes into one of her superiority complex modes or thinks you've "disrespected her" - SHE WILL ERASE YOU FROM HER LIFE. She will block you, delete accounts, and erase you from her flickr/tumblr photo collections, web presences, ignore your phone calls and voice messages and SMS messages. She will ignore or erase or ban your postings. She will tell her friends how horrible you are so that you cannot get responses from THEM either if you ask for explanations for her treatment of you.

Don't bother with her. she is a great case of Borderline Personality Disorder, or worse. She can't be changed. She doesn't want to change. She will tell you things that make it sound like she's self aware but she's irrational when it comes down to the fine print or stress. Don't miss the subtle indicators that she knows she's cruel and hurtful. Don't think you can change her. You can't.

i made the mistake of believing in her and tried to kill myself when she treated me like dirt on the phone after a week of complete silence and being ignored. why? because after 3+ months of being together, i thought i mattered to her. She even said i did. i thought she cared. because i bonded to her. because i liked her and her dog and cats and her love of animals (her dog Hank has a profile here, too).
stupid fucking me for caring.

And YES, i am outing you, BRIELLE. You said you STUCK BY YOUR FRIENDS but you don't. You insult them and ignore them when it's convenient for you. You warned that to cross you is a bad thing... well FUCK YOU, i'm sick of assholes fucking me over just like you've done. i may be a male but i fucking have a heart, too, you heartless jerk.


and, i add, why do i keep allowing women into my life that behave like this? judy? dana? elise?

You tell me "i don't want to end up another one of those names of women you hate on your blog..." and the easy answer is DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE!

"i don't want this to end in a negative way" she said, insincerely and then ERASED ME.

trash

i get it now
it's merely a matter of convenience
how foolish of me

it's easier to be an asshole
to be selfish
cruel
lie

become "unavailable"

it's easier to be people like Brielle and Elise
dana, john, jana, jenni, megan, toshi, jefferson
picus, jenni's sister, mike the chef, mike the heather manipulator

.and.
.so.
.many.
.more.

choose your reality
erase people you think have offended you

but first the setup!
pull them in, or make it appear you're simply letting them in, even more clever...

bring them into the fold
showcase them
talk them up

make them feel special

"i don't see how anyone could ever think you're scum"
"those girls didn't deserve you"
"you're better than them"
"they're just selfish"

over and over and over
the same insincere trash talk.
the same LIES.

take advantage of them
fuck, be fucked
have your yank, get free orgasms
receive your so badly needed validation

have your "friendship"
sex friends
people you're "seeing"
"best friends" you betray

then tear them apart
or ignore them, or tell them off
change parameters without notice,
whatever. just something sudden and cruel.

"terms subject to change without notice.
we are under no obligation to inform you of changes
prior to their execution."

tell your friends they're trash
the friends you were trashing
now you need them again
because you've exchanged hates

found the lesser exposure
realized who sees you least
where you're more hidden
invisible but accepted as a member

the elite club of cool outsiders
insiders, who cares what caste you want
you just want one that takes you in as member
where you can throw out people you don't like

I GET IT NOW.

i can be just like you.
erase you, ignore you.
tell everyone you're trash.

i'm doing it now. wheee!

so fuck you all.
you're all trash.

makeup, clever vocabulary without logical coherence
hiding rotting sores
rotting souls
rot

zombies, trash,
monsters in costumes of worse monsters
for fun and for protection

masks to hide worse masks
portraying something better
something bitter but risky and cool
elite

rot

rot and flutter away with the leaves

waste your time surfing every internet social club
seeking an identity you can't fashion out of reality
look for people to bash in clusters of assholes, jackals
fan the flames, sham the blames and blame the truths

seek out that next perfect man, the good fuck
to bash later when he sees through your makeup

women suck
men suck
people suck
so do their friends

wives
husbands
whoever just does as told
without forming their own opinions based on truth

all of you
thinking you're just fine
better than
in control

trash
every single one

including me
because i can't be YOU.

victim mentality

Maybe a subtitle could be "anti-social personality disorder, revisited." This is an extract from an earlier article i wrote called "Do Sociopaths Deserve Humane Treatment?"

Victim Mentality. The oft cited and rarely defined term that i shall define and cite for you myself.

Definition: blaming the victim for being one.
Citation: those enraged by being sought out as a target for hate and anger (actively or passively).

Sociopaths are people with an anti-social personality disorder. This, boiled down, means that a group of them cannot form healthy and productive societies because their very behavioral patterns are against the needs of the group and for their own benefit (including when they appear to be socio-conscious in order to appear perfectly normal and respectable).

The very right to be enraged or even hurt at the actions of another make you a bad person in the eyes and minds of the majority.

Example:

If someone walks into the room and denounces your work ethic to a bunch of your co-workers, several times a week, while you're not around to witness it and defend yourself on the spot or call out your accuser to prove his or her statements or back down... you've just been violated. An act of social and psychological violence has been made against you.

"I don't play the victim mentality role. It doesn't matter what people think, just how good a job you do!"

Sorry, but you are just as much a victim as if your boss walked into your office or cubical and pushed a knife into your chest without provocation. Sidelining again, what kind of provocation would justify that response?? Were you socially and psychologically tormenting your boss by spreading fear, uncertainty and doubt among every member of the workplace to the point that your boss was being shunned, joked about, and at risk of losing his life-sustaining income by losing job simply because you felt it was totally harmless to do smart-ass gossiping because you feel intimidated by his work experience?

It matters what people think of you if they control, socially, your accessibility to the pursuit of success, or even happiness.

True Victims do not choose themselves. It is not shameful to be a victim.

Victimizers choose their victims. Most often by way of jealousy and self-esteem issues. They seek those who they feel are not a threat to them. Those they feel they can control or with whom they can control the situation and the perception of events. This is shameful.

True shameful "victim mentality" is justifying your inhumane, cruel and violent actions by saying "He/she did this-and-that to me, so I am responding in kind. If others get in my way, that's just too bad. It's not like I'm targeting anyone innocent."

True "victim mentality" is "I'm going to be rude, cold and judgmental to you because that's what everyone has done to me my whole life. Why should I be sensitive to YOU when no one was sensitive to ME??"

THAT, is what shameful "victim mentality" is. Point your fingers, and knives where they belong.

Who's doing the pointing, anyway? In who's best interest might it be to make victimization into something the victim should be shameful and held responsible for?

The victimizers. The one's who have control over the situation and over you. Victimizers are the ones who devised the concept that being a victim is "your own damn fault." It's in their best interest that you be "ashamed for letting it happen to you." As though to defeat rational observation (and discussion) of true cause and effect, they seek to make the effect have no cause but itself.

"You worked with him before, so why would you work for him again if he's so bad??"

Yes, that one is DIRECTLY from my OWN personal experience. The complacent gossipers and the ignorant and naive bystanders trying to cover up the "unbelievable" fact that they have missed something and that they think you want special treatment (or have been getting it). The people who were not (yet) victims of the sociopathic victimizer. The ones who were once victims themselves but failed to escape and chose to find a pariah of their own. Or several. The people who hate you and victimize you for reminding them of how it feels to be victimized.

There are entire cults who rant against the slaughter and immorality of World War II and human slavery. Cult? i don't mean to suggest that the people who find these things objectionable are the cult members; i mean that there are actually people who find it A BOTHER that these things are still discussed and that they must be such a burden since "hey, man, it's not like i killed any jews or had any slaves, so leave me alone."

"Those who forget the past are destined to repeat it" (misquote)

This isn't philosophy. This is concrete reality. This is human behavior on the macro and microscopic level. From the individual to the group mind.

The the most critical concept to understand here is on the macro level: the individual victimizer and his or her victim. The way they propagate by leading one victim after another down the path of becoming victimizer. A victimizer is a much more aggressive person on certain fronts and are much better at holding on to what little they believe is theirs.

The more sociopaths are allowed to shape the world around them to best suit their own interests (not the interests of the group, the society or the species), the more damage they do (to the society) and the more sociopaths they CREATE.

You've heard the rhetoric about what growing up in a war zone, or in prison, or being a child of molestation creates: it creates a replication of the stimuli. The victim becomes hardened from constant assaults. A hostile environment creates a defensive individual. Constant exposure to hostility turns defensiveness into hostility. Hostility acts outwardly against those who appear to be the cause of the hostile environment... or maybe anyone... because "HE didn't stop it from happening" and "SHE didn't tell the boss about the gossip about me."

A hostile and toxic environment creates a hostile and toxic person. It can do nothing else. You either harden or you weaken. Those who weaken are frequently used by other people as a comparison or consolation agent; to ease their own suffering or make it pale in comparison. What better way to make your problems pale in comparison to someone else's than by MAKING someone else's problems worse?

Yes, you may think it's all fun and games. Harmless talk. Chit chat. Gossip. Play. Ribbing.

Play leads to exhaustion. Exhaustion leads to lowered stamina. Lowered stamina leads to sensitivity. Sensitivity leads to vulnerability. Vulnerability leads to being damaged by "lesser offenses." And in the end, you have victimizers, formerly victims, pointing fingers at the lesser victims; the ones they can pick at and NOT be brought to justice.

Human beings exposed to toxic experiences during their developmental stages very often become "rugged" or "tough" as a defensive mechanism. It's automatic part way, but then it also becomes part of the personality. That's when it becomes choice. Many people at this point choose to "take it like a man/woman" and "give as good as they get" ...

.. but on the inside... they're rotting out and becoming a shell of armor which protects a wounded child that never grew up and never learned appropriate and healthy ways of defending or avoiding the toxic and hostile experiences. These people end up with Borderline Personality Disorder.

BPD.

Anyone reading me on a regular basis knows that i struggle with the understanding that those who have abused me have become abusive because they themselves were abused. i empathize with these people because i know suffering well enough. At first, they like this. Later, they feel vulnerable because i see and know too much. Then i become a threat. To their egos. Their "hearts." Their agendas.

A person with BPD still can make distinctions between good and bad behavior. i've seen it demonstrated many times by many people with the condition. They admit to feelings of guilt. The problem is, they feel guilt because they know what they have done is harsh, cruel, rude, or just plain wrong... but they never learned how to empathize with those they have hurt. Most likely, no one empathized with their own suffering as it was forming their defense mechanisms years previous.

But they KNOW. They CAN distinguish the difference. They can CHOOSE to take an active role in their behavior patterns if they see value in it.

The value, ideally, should be "because it's best for everyone."

The value, more often in the real world is "so i can have friends and keep jobs."

It's still a value.

But some people choose an even more selfish and cold value for external self-control:

POWER.

"i
w a n t !"

Who wants power the most? Those who feel they have been powerless. Those who have had so much done to them beyond their control.

People with BPD naturally seek connection to and with other human beings. They also defensively seek control. Control over the interactions with others and the perceptions of them by others. If the satisfaction of the human connection eases the fears that demand control, these people can move towards a much better life.

A better path than those who get no satisfaction at all from connection to other human beings.

Anti-social personality disorders. That's what we're talking about. Personalities that work against the collective good and which tear apart the fabric of society and human connection.

When the only motivation left for someone with BPD is to seek power and control over everything and anything... they have stepped into sociopathy.

When the politics of the current Diagnostics and Statistics Manual of psychiatric disorders dictate obedience and subservience to certain rules, process and procedure in order for you to pursue your goals, your definitions and your rights, who is going to actively fight a system designed to protect itself? The DSM is, itself, a victim of victim mentality. Over extension. Over indulgence. The scientific method is abused this way and so too the "mental health system."

So, to repeat myself: i reduce the great, grand DSM down to what it really is: politics. i say a redundant "fuck you" to the DSM and i continue with my questions to you:

Is there a way back from the brink for a sociopath?

Should energy and time be spent seeking it?

Do sociopaths deserve that effort?

Is there a point at which we stop defining a sociopath as a victim and start defining them as nothing more or better than a weapon gone out of control?

Do you murder murderers?

If yes, do you execute sociopaths for the deeper, wider-ranging and longer lasting toxic effects they have on entire social structures?

You try to filter "criminals" out of society, but what do you do about the anti-social people who have no interest in society or who actively seek to control and manipulate it? Do you try to filter them out of society?

Most likely you don't even notice them.

Some of you might be becoming one of them right now... growing harder, colder, more selfish, more power-hungry, more obsessed with control and "having it YOUR WAY."

Maybe you're already one of them, looking at my blog and telling me how insufferable i am. Labeling my few supporters as "goons" and giving them other labels that essentially suggest i am a cult leader and they my mindless followers. i call bullshit on you. You're insecure. You couldn't express what you felt when you felt these things. That's when you choose to vote for charity to known sociopaths: you chose to protect your own interests. So you lash out at those who look familiar. Familiar as victims and victimizers.

Yourself.

You the victim and you the victimizer.

Psychopathy and Antisocial Personality Disorder: A Case of Diagnostic Confusion

Regarding: something published and apparently ignored since February 1, 1996
Psychiatric Times. Vol. 13 No. 2: http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/display/article/10168/54831

"Written by Robert D. Hare, Ph.D. Dr. Hare, who has researched psychopathy for more than 25 years, is a professor of psychology at the University of British Columbia, and was scientific director of a 1995 NATO Advanced Study Institute on Psychopathic Behavior."

i wanted to introduce the topic of Sociopathy vs. Psychopathy into the materials present in Dr. Robert Hare's writing (both his articles found on the web, such as http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/p960239.html and his own website and writings in print).

His article at http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/p960239.html is near excellent in defining some very vital reasoning on why confusion of ASPD and Psychopathy is a terrible problem. Yet, i see a terrible problem in the lack of mention of Sociopathy.

The DSM not only lumps ASPD with Psychopathy, but also does the same with Sociopathy. Sociopathy and Psychopathy ARE Anti Social Personality Disorders. More so, they DIFFER in perceptually small yet effectively VAST ways.

i was very excited to find the book "The Sociopath Next Door" by Dr. Martha Stout. i was confused when a friend read the book and found it lacking my own personal differentiation between sociopathy and psychopathy. i examined the parts she cited and felt she was indeed correct. i had lead her to a book that does not go where i thought it did and where i have been going very frequently in my attempts to educate others.

i have since located some web-based material called "The Psychopath Next Door" which is reportedly Martha Stout's website (which looks outdated and does not indicate her name). The information on this page seems VERY similar to her book. It occurred to me that the process of formalizing her writing on the topic had forced her to change from the subject of Psychopathy to Sociopathy because the people she was writing about were not murderers, cult leaders or other such common psychopathic actions. It is fortunate that she changed terms before publishing the book, but unfortunate that it does not do near as well a job as my own talks with people to define the difference between the two labels.

Most importantly, i think it is VITAL that all of this information be brought back into public discussion, form part of whatever processes involved in producing the next (unfortunately biblically followed) DSM edition, and CLARIFIED to eliminate the confusion that is growing more and more rampant.

i have a personal motivator here. i was harassed, intimidated and abused by several sociopaths. To my knowledge, they are not psychopaths. Their ASPD stops at the point where they attempt to preserve their social status and maintain their adherence to the majority of laws and social rules that would have them filtered out of society, should they break those rules and laws. i have no interest in "protecting" these people in any way (i would love to see sociopaths filtered out of society just as psychopaths tend to filter themselves out after committing crimes), but i DO see a neurological connection to two neurological/psychiatric items that do NOT deserve to be lumped into the same category as psychopaths:

1. Borderline Personality Disorder. This is largely a defensive mechanism of the human mind in response to extensive and intolerable amounts of mental (and often physical) abuse. Most typically observed in females from teenage to about 35, is the claim of much material on BPD. Noted is the "mysterious growing out of it" effect that i have read about in several published materials on BPD. i find this irresponsible and i "see" what is likely happening: BPD leads to sociopathy, if not treated, cared for or otherwise halted in its tracks.
   
   
2. BPD appears to be a VERY common comorbidity of autistic neurology in the later years (between teens and mid 30s).

You see the process i am illustrating?

High Functioning Autistic neurology leads to much social (and often physical abuse) through the "growth years" and the comorbid condition of BPD establishes a strong hold to preserve the mental integrity of the individual. A worst case scenario leads to the terminal point of BPD transitioning into Sociopathy.

In case you cannot predetermine my personal bias here, i am autistic.

My autism spectrum label would most likely be Asperger's Syndrome, but the longer i continue to combat "the system" as an individual, and combat sociopaths and "professionals," the more i am forced to wonder if i am something slightly higher functioning than the high functioning AS individual. My self awareness and intelligence has made me feel rather alienated by those AS persons i have encountered in AS communities and the "professionals" refuse to recognize me as BEING on the autism spectrum (because apparently they do not grasp that austistic children eventually GROW UP with or without a diagnosis). i did not have a diagnosis of anything until about a year ago when i pursued the diagnosis of AS through independent research and a rough time locating professionals who could see beyond their traditionally myopic perspective of only working with children.

AS, and autism in general, has many features that are similar to the criteria for ASPDs and many are perceived to BE antisocial. Worse, it seems to me, from my own personal research and experience, autistic neurology is a potential catalyst for becoming an antisocial person, a "Borderliner," Sociopath or psychopath. The determining factors seem to be nurture (positive or negative) and self awareness (though that lucidity of self awareness is questionable in terms of how it comes about and whether it can be taught or learned).

My point: Sociopaths are more dangerous than psychopaths. They do not get filtered out of society because, as many have stated, the "dog eat dog" aspects of "modern society" seem to encourage it and getting "ahead" in society seems to be enabled by the traits of sociopathy. Also, i know MANY persons with AS and BPD. None of them deserve the mistaken presumption or sloppy and incorrect diagnosis of Sociopathy or Psychopathy.

The DSM needs to be moved drastically into a "spectral" format instead of solid on and off bipolar determination. i am hoping that interaction from people such as myself with people such as the professionals "in the business" (especially those who are authoring books and being read by other professionals and students of the topics he presents) will eventually lead to a healthier DSM and better diagnostic results from the "professionals" who use the DSM as the end-all be-all bible of "mental health."

The mind is the brain. The brain is the mind. Knowing how it works, and why it works in the ways it does, is the best route to a healthier human species and human societies.

Thank you for reading this rather long message. i would like to send a copy to Dr. Robert Hare, but the website indicates a postal address only for personal correspondence. i hope that this message is a little of both; please do forward this message to him if that is possible. Otherwise, i will have to use the postal service.

-jace cavacini
dysamoria (at) dysamoria dot com
http://dysamoria.com

"i'm relieved ..."

in reference to me not wanting to have anything to do with my father any longer.

but, he got to put me in a 304 situation. this ignorant asshole who knows nothing about the system tells me that i just had to get out of there instead of getting to the core of the problem... you don't get to the core of anything but following orders from staff and doctors about taking medication on time, as prescribed, despite your "real" doctors or what YOU know about YOU, no matter how old or young you are, and no matter how educated or ignorant you are.

i was one of the most educated people there... well... actually i was one of the least EDUCATED, yet more than two other patients told me that i gave them more clear information than any staff or doctor and that i seemed extremely intelligent.

but who does this asshole of a "father" listen to? does he listen to his son, who has explained the system to him several times? no. he listened to: "the professionals."

i hate my father.

he thinks it's great to have me out of the family.

so what THE FUCK is the reason why i was 304ed after NOT killing myself and solving my own problem? i could have been out of his list of self imposed problems (money, anxiety) for years if he'd just accept my RIGHT to DIE.

but then, it's not LEGAL to die by your own hand in this society is it?

someone call crisis on my father. he needs a ride through the system so he can "get to the bottom of the problem."

610-791-3188
610-703-9887

i could destroy his career like jefferson destroyed mine. but i have impulse control. i think about things. and i think THIS would be far more educational and constructive.

you want to know the story of my life in relation to my father?

PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH

i was an autistic child.

his way of teaching bicycle is to tell you to do it and then get mad and walk away when you get frustrated with him and the bicycle. me. my sister. same with math. "You don't speak English? That's ok, I'LL TALK LOUDER AT YOU AND POINT AT THINGS VIOLENTLY! PROBLEM SOLVED!!"

MONEY. That's all that matters to him. That's all that matters to his parents. That's all that matters to the whole fucking family. Work, get married, have children, work to raise your children, get to an old age spoiling as many grand/great grand children as you can before you just... die.

MONEY.

"i'm relieved you want nothing to do with me'" i paraphrase.

"i'm done with you." he said.

My "father" lives in a large, beautiful colonial house with enclosed back porch. You'd think he was someone... "important" ... he might say... IF he had any perspective. He has beautiful land that he thinks he must maintain to some sort of suburban standard. Ridiculous. Does he enjoy it?

i asked that question of the two of them repeatedly and they didn't even comprehend the question without me explaining it.

They want to sell it and buy a condo.

makes me want to fucking puke.

i hate my life, but that was my home and they want to trade it in for a fucking condo?

a $400,000 (more??) home and they want to trade it in for a motherfucking condo??

un.real

i've been told to write a book. If i live long enough, and some editor can remove enough material and still have the publisher go ahead, maybe then... someone might fucking get it.

But probably not because people don't really read much. THEY SEE BIG WORDS AND LOOK AT SHOCKING PICTURES AND WATCH FOX NEWS AND TALK ABOUT KILLING TOWELHEADS. They don't think or read.

i hate being here.

Boy Suffocated During School Punishment

i don't normally post articles from elsewhere but this was too much for me NOT to post it. It might be old news to you, but this belongs in my list of contributions one way or another because this is a crime committed against the weak and the oppressed by the authority and the arrogant oppressors... against a child.

MONTREAL - After nine-year-old Gabriel Poirier was discovered lifeless in his classroom last April 17, his parents were told their autistic son had stopped breathing after hiding under a heavy therapeutic blanket.

Now a coroner has revealed that Gabriel's teachers had tightly wrapped him in the buckwheat-stuffed blanket, leaving only the tips of his ears sticking out, as punishment when he became disruptive. They left him unsupervised in a corner for 20 minutes, returning when a timer sounded.

Gabriel was unconscious and blue in the face. He was rushed to hospital, where he died the following night surrounded by his family.

In a report published yesterday, Coroner Catherine Rudel-Tessier concluded the child suffocated. She said the teachers at the special-needs school in Saint-Jean-sur-Richelieu, Que., failed to follow guidelines for the blankets, which are used commonly to calm autistic children.

"He was only 53 pounds, he was so small," Gilles Poirier, the boy's father said at a news conference yesterday. "How can they wrap him up like that in a 40-pound blanket? How can this treatment be tolerated?"

It can't, or shouldn't be tolerated... but look... it happened, didn't it?

Ms. Rudel-Tessier said proper use of the blanket called for a child to be rolled at most once and for his head to be left uncovered. The blanket was to be used as a relaxation therapy, not as a punishment, and teachers were supposed to keep an eye on children using the blankets.

More ignorant "teachers" with their own rules on human behavior...

"A child rolled 'at least four times' in such a heavy blanket is under restraint," the coroner wrote.

Jean-Pierre Menard, a lawyer representing Gabriel's parents, is calling for changes to legislation to control the use of restraints in schools. The parents are also planning to sue the Hautes-Rivieres school board.

As they should. They should pick every bone from the rotten corpse of that school district.

The coroner said use of the blankets should be ceased until clear guidelines are established. Basic rules would include ensuring the blanket is not too heavy for the child, never covering the child's head, ensuring that vital signs can always be observed, never rolling the child in the blanket and ensuring the child can get out if he wants to.

More importantly, "random" objects should not be used for punishment just because a "teacher" thinks it would be a good idea. Like when [our] parents broke wooden spoons on our rear ends, shoved soap into our mouths and whipped us with belts...

Kathleen Provost, executive director of the Autism Society of Canada, said weighted blankets can be calming for autistic children when used under the guidance of an occupational therapist. "They have a therapeutic use and can be relaxing," she said.

This is true. i am much more comfortable with pressure. i ache to have a bed partner. Not for sex (though that's nice, too). Heavy blankets, NOT the therapeutic one mentioned in this story, have always been a comfort to me, but i must have adequate access to breathing cool air to compensate for the pressure and the temperature build-up.

Mr. Menard said the parents were surprised to learn Gabriel had been placed in the blanket as a punishment. The school board had initially said it was a natural death and that Gabriel had gone under the blanket on his own.

In other words, they lied. Lied lied lied. Gone "under" the blanket is not at all similar to being wrapped more than four times in the thing.

"The principal said they found Gabriel under the blanket and he wasn't breathing. The parents thought that something had happened while he was sleeping and that was how he died," Mr. Menard said. He said the school board later told the media that Gabriel had hidden under the blanket.

In other words, they lied. Lied lied lied.

Mr. Poirier said he cannot understand why his child was placed in a restraint. "He was a very gentle boy," he said. "Sometimes he was loud, but he was never aggressive or violent. I just don't understand how this happened," he said, tears streaming down his face.

ghamilton@nationalpost.com

It happened because there was an arrogant, ignorant fool in power over children who are taught to obey mindlessly. This is a humanitarian crime. This is murder.

the credit, and special thanks, goes to the original author Graeme Hamilton at National Post in Canada.

poor reading comprehension = ignorance

quote:

"... Everything that you accuse others of is what YOU are. I am amazed that you can't see that.

Again, you will refuse to look at what I am saying and you will go off on another boring and whiney tirade to deflect the truth of it all. But I just had to tell you how I see you, and I can't be the ONLY person who sees you for what you are. Lots of people run away from you for a reason...not because they're jerks, or sociopaths, or "wimpy", it's because you are INTOLERABLE and you are intolerable not because you've had rough crap happen to you but because of how you've CHOSEN to deal with it and you treat others so nastily.

If by some rare chance you actually paused and acted the way you try to make others act by 'yelling' and 'screaming' at them you might come close to seeing yourself for what you really are. (but you won't) ..."

The first paragraph is exactly what i expect from ignorant and intolerant people who need to project their own problems onto the people who have exposed their own. It's also part of the giveaway. i can read a person's identity by how they word themselves and the memes they use. And yes, THIS is projection: The declaration that the things one has been blamed for doing are actually being done by others, not the person who's REALLY doing it. Everyone knows i hate Freud and am not in full agreement with Wikipedia's validity ... but... HERE.

and here:

6 a: the act of perceiving a mental object as spatially and sensibly objective; also : something so perceived b: the attribution of one's own ideas, feelings, or attitudes to other people or to objects; especially : the externalization of blame, guilt, or responsibility as a defense against anxiety

That last paragraph i included is a gem of poor reading and writing comprehension; where is the completion of the statement? But i wont redirect into complaints about writing skills... Go read the rest of the assault from the ignorant "Stunned" over here. These are exactly the kinds of holier than thou people i can't stand; the ones who talk out their asses in order to make themselves feel better about their own shitty actions. They may sound good on the surface, but when you know them and you analyze what they have said, you get the truth: they're insecure, selfish, arrogant, and best of all, have a personal ax to grind against me (or whoever they're ranting at; and, yeah, i rant too, but at least my rants have some basis of reality to them instead of creative vocabulary and context-free, pack animal attack mentality). This person is more interested in being RIGHT, not being correct and i am not the least bit embarrassed to showcase it.

ASHAMED to be an "American," part one

i want to be dead.
dead dead dead.
kill me kill me kill me.

is that statement going to get me more home invasions and forced medication by ignorant motherfuckers called "the law" and "people who care?" You stupid bastards....

if i had the strength (and money), i would start a legal battle against 201, 302, and 304. Fuck, i don't even know what "law" these sections come from. They are designed to remove your civil rights. How is that a just law?

Our constitution is a pile of lies because it's been amended to uselessness and laws have been created to obfuscate, block and side-step it. The pursuit of life, LIBERTY and HAPPINESS. FUCKING BULLSHIT.

Punish the Suicidal Instead of Helping Them

UPDATED HERE: NowPublic.com (re-dated for the day i was released from hospitalization prison)

Instead of asking ourselves how we contributed to the choice of self termination (or how we complacently did nothing - how we maybe could have helped prevent it, as a society, in general), let's call them sick and selfish! Let us, in our arrogance and antipathy, rush them along to the end! (Joe calls this the "Feeding Frenzy: people don't kick people WHEN they're down, they kick them BECAUSE they're down.")

What if you have everything that makes you who you are taken from you?What if your every waking and sleeping moment is filled with memories of rejection, harassment, abuse, or never feeling allowed to just plain be a part of society? How fucking righteous would you really be when all you can remember is cold, heartless disinterest or outright cruelty? See what choices YOU make when you have only ONE left that offers relief.

But no, we don't accept suicide as an option. No sir, not in this nation. Suicide is selfish and stupid. Just like abortion is selfish and stupid. Just like being vegetarian is stupid and pointless.

Suicide isn't painless, but maybe more people need to LISTEN TO ACTUAL SUICIDAL PEOPLE; practice EMPATHY! Discover why suicide becomes hope for relief.

fuck it; people still don't even believe in Asperger's Syndrome. Comprehending suicide as freedom is even more difficult to grasp.

disturbed (a "short summary" of what disturbs me about this world)
http://dysamoria.com/blog/2007/12/disturbed.html

"Google" search "suicide" (go to "Read This First")
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=suicide&btnG=Google+Search

Here's a PERFECT excerpt from the above "Read This First" page:

"Start by considering this statement:

“Suicide is not chosen; it happens
when pain exceeds
resources for coping with pain.”

That’s all it’s about. You are not a bad person, or crazy, or weak, or flawed, because you feel suicidal. It doesn’t even mean that you really want to die - it only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now. If I start piling weights on your shoulders, you will eventually collapse if I add enough weights... no matter how much you want to remain standing. Willpower has nothing to do with it. Of course you would cheer yourself up, if you could.

Don’t accept it if someone tells you, “that’s not enough to be suicidal about.” There are many kinds of pain that may lead to suicide. Whether or not the pain is bearable may differ from person to person. What might be bearable to someone else, may not be bearable to you. The point at which the pain becomes unbearable depends on what kinds of coping resources you have. Individuals vary greatly in their capacity to withstand pain.

When pain exceeds pain-coping resources, suicidal feelings are the result. Suicide is neither wrong nor right; it is not a defect of character; it is morally neutral. It is simply an imbalance of pain versus coping resources.

You can survive suicidal feelings if you do either of two things: (1) find a way to reduce your pain, or (2) find a way to increase your coping resources. Both are possible." - © Copyright 1995-2006 Martha Ainsworth. All rights reserved.

1. My reduction of pain, or attempts thereof, have been to seek to understand people better so as to work with them better. i tried my damned hardest to harmonize at work with a sociopath who was impossible to please.

2. My attempts at increasing my coping mechanisms have been through art and other solitary activities. These no longer work because the big issue is isolation and loneliness. So i have sought companionship (from females, in a romantic sense). Somehow, i manage to locate just the right people who say all the right things to me up front... and become someone else later. They blame ME for their changed attitude like the mason blames the stone.

UPDATE 2: from a comment on NowPublic by an editor:

jordan at 10:41 on July 10th, 2008
The Golden Gate Bridge has a suicide-prevention hotline phone on the city-side approach. Sometimes it's out of order!

make amends or i'm killing myself

(ADDED STUFF BELOW)
Kutztown University, will jefferson, sharon picus, margaret devlin, HR, the "Office of Social Equity," the Union and several other managerial and Union-related people destroyed my ability to lead a normal life:

• jefferson discriminated against me based on age (youth) and disability (autism).
  
• jefferson harassed me with passive-aggressive obstruction of my work, direct verbal abuse and defamation of my character and work ethic to my coworkers and management.
  
• jefferson threatened me not to speak with the union about conflicts with him.
  
• management (devlin and HR) refused to do their jobs when the abuse was brought to their attention.
  
• management (devlin and HR) harassed me directly by defamation of me to my coworkers, union and other management.
  
• HR harassed me by sending me away from work to be "examined by a psychiatrist," which was totally playing along with jefferson's fraudulent claim/defamation of me to HR and coworkers.
• management did nothing when it was made clear that jefferson was behaving with oppressive, harassing and aggressive behavior that coworkers sensed as disconcerting indicators of potential violence against me.
  
• the union did nothing to assist or advise me.
  
• a union representative advised me against filing a grievance because "it probably wont accomplish anything."
  
• another union representative advised me to "play along with management" because he'd been through a similar situation (he was brought up on drug use charges, i was being harassed by fraudulent claims made by jefferson to campus security).
  
• another union representative told me "management protects its own."
  
• the union did not represent or defend me when i was brought under charges of potential safety risk due to jefferson's fraud.
  
• the union made declarations of investigation that were not followed through with.
  
• the union management made declarations to investigate and did nothing but allow HR to waste the 15-day statute of limitations on filing grievances.
  
• the union management refused to respond to emails and phone calls.
  
• the university eliminated my job by declaring that i resigned when i had NOT done so, two days before xmas holiday.
  
• the university, the union and all people mentioned clearly acted in their own personal and managerial best interests and for their own convenience and never once attempted to resolve the real cause of the problems where they started from day one: will jefferson!

i am living in hell on earth:

• i cannot eat properly because of medications, stress, anxiety and a failing nervous system.
  
• i cannot get slow-wave sleep so my mental facilities are disintegrating.
  
• i have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, paranoia and am developing BPD in response to the abuse i've received.
  
• i have nightmares/hallucinations instead of sleep.
  
• i am extremely suicidal and feel that i have NO legal rights, protection, accommodation or even people to believe me.
  
• i am looked at as a leech on society by disability and welfare by way of continuously decreasing allotments for food and medical treatment.
  
• i am on medications that make me ill with side effects which require other medications, all of which have become physical addictions because of the nature of the medications. i can't get off of them without going through health-risking withdrawal.
  
• AmeriHealth Mercy refuses me access to the one medication that might help with my sleep disorder.
  
• i am isolated, my credit has been destroyed, i'm lonely, and no one has done ANYTHING to the criminals to have brought my life to this point.
  
• my family is suffering because of attempting to assist me while they are already suffering their own problems.

No pill and no platitudes will ever rectify the real cause of all of these problems:

MY HUMAN RIGHTS WERE VIOLATED AND NO ONE WHO'S RESPONSIBILITY IT IS TO DEAL WITH THAT FACT WILL DO SO. I AM IGNORED, DISCARDED, MARGINALIZED, REFUSED AND HARASSED BY HAVING A DIAGNOSED DISABILITY WHICH HAS BECOME 100 TIMES WORSE BECAUSE OF ABUSE FROM MY FORMER EMPLOYER, KUTZTOWN UNIVERSITY.

I WANT COMPENSATION OR I WANT DEATH. THERE IS NO ALTERNATIVE.


The Evidence, the Story, the Whole Truth


Christine said (on myspace):

You want compensation from whom? Perhaps you will receive it in another form, that is if you are open to it and to your future. We will all die soon enough. Now is not your time Jace. We did not determine our birth so the natural order of things is that we should not determine our death either. No person should ever have that much say in anothers death, unless of course society dictates it as a punishment for heinous crimes. Yet if no one should rightfully harm you, why should you harm yourself? Ok i know i am speaking from a mostly rational standpoint here. Yet i do believe that this is the standpoint that allows us the most freedom. As emotions, although they have their role and we cant exist without them, well they are unpredictable, one day you may feel like dying and the next you feel like living. So theyre not a reliable source for reference in taking action in our own lives and the lives of others. We must balance both reason and emotion, and by so doing come up with viable solutions that will impact our lives for the greater good for ourselves and others. I want to feel triumphant in my life. Not to win so much, but just to laugh and be happy..to always have the heart of a child and never allow bitter roots to strangle it out. If we can laugh in the midst of our experience then we know we are gonna be ok. People need support when they are sad. I hope you will continue to receive enough support from the people that do care for you, so that you are able to let go of the suicide idealations. Only you can do this Jace, you know this. It is not a positive mindset to want to do this, so it can not so much be of benefit until you turn it into a postive in your life. Perhaps you can help others at some point as you will be able to wholeheartedly relate to anyone who has desires to take their life. This can be done yet Jace, you need support though it from your friends. Hope today gives you more rest and peace.

Posted by Christine on Monday, June 16, 2008 at 7:27 AM

i replied:

the heart of a child... something i was not allowed to have... i have my Legos... i have my classic Doctor Who... but i have no one to share these things with ... so i am still isolated when trying to enjoy those things. i do photography... but it's just of me. i have no one else to do it with. music: no one to share it with. people don't even like my music. i mean, that's fine if it's not their thing, but it's just another place where i'm alone.

i feel like dying every single day. especially now. i want to be as good as possible to those i care for, but in the end, they will find that i've served my purpose and they will move on. i feel like dying every day because i'm tired of what my life IS and has always been.

who do i want amends from?

The STATE.

even elise.

But mostly KUTZTOWN UNIVERSITY AND THE STATE OR FEDERAL GOVERNMENT.

i want my LIFE back. i FOUGHT to have that life. i EARNED it and it was STOLEN FROM ME in ways that violate my human rights and laws. i DESERVE to have compensation but i have no MONEY to seek it actively.

So i'm sick and i'm tired of being sick and i'm tired of being... just this.

i have so much more that i could be if it were allowed. i was there, doing it and i was horribly VIOLATED. it is more than the loss of a job or a girlfriend. MY LIFE WAS ACTIVELY DESTROYED. jefferson is the guy who introduced my to my realtor Bob Berner (a great guy)... and then, when i was in the process of buying my house, jefferson actually talked to my best co-worker about how "jace is just a kid. he doesn't know what he's doing... if he wants to go bankrupt that's his fucking problem." The man sought to ruin what i was accomplishing out of his own HATE of me for being what i am at my age when HE WASN'T what he wanted to be at my age, or didn't get to be what he WANTED to be at my age. He has several times given me "i [this or that] when i was your age. the military straightened me out... " etc.

I WAS TARGETED AND DESTROYED BY A SOCIOPATH. I WANT COMPENSATION FOR THIS CRIME.

Posted by dysamoria on Monday, June 16, 2008 at 5:07 PM

why sociopaths are cruel / why borderliners are so needy

"why are sociopaths cruel?"

the answer may be the same as the answer to the question(s):

"why are borderliners so needy? (or, why are they often serial monogamists?)"

i propose a very simple neurological hypothesis that you educated people will dismiss out of hand:

Chemical tolerance to serotonin and oxytocin (two neurotransmitters known to deal with short term and long term feelings of love, empathy and the control of obsessive compulsive traits).

It's simple: once you've been in enough situations where your body generates huge amounts of "love chemicals," only to have the source stimuli taken away toxically, you develop an addiction to the chemicals AND an aversion to the stimuli. Love is itself an addiction or OCD behavior. The more experiences you have with the stimuli coming AND GOING, the more tolerance you develop to the chemicals and their stimuli. The stimuli needs to be more powerful each time until you no longer get a response to it at all. Persons with BPD need more thrills to get the chemical high (see my blog entry titled "The Romanticized Drama of the Endgame"). Sociopaths are simply immune to the stimulus (except for extraordinary situations, such as when will jefferson had his car accident and acted like a human being for about a week and a half before becoming even worse than he was previously).

In both cases, there is no treatment unless the subject is intellectually willing and able to accept the facts and use intellect to attempt to compensate for behavioral training. Many people with BPD are right on the edge of losing that ability. i've known several women who seemed very self aware only to find that they couldn't act on their knowledge. i would imagine the case is worse for those who are totally sociopathic. Someone with BPD WANTS a better existence. Someone who's sociopathic is pathologically incapable of seeing that their existence is flawed and that they should do anything about it (everyone else is the problem, which is the declaration of most of us who have been fucked over by sociopaths and borderliners... takes one to make one, right?).

Once again, i tell you there is a connection and a CLEAR and DOCUMENTABLE PATH from autistic-spectrum disorders to Borderline Personality Disorder to Sociopathy.

Now go look at a third party who has made some similar connections (though, not as similar as i would like, why must i be a trail blazer that is ignored as ignorant??)... not the same topic, but it will serve as my REFERENCE for those of you who seem to require references in order to believe anything i say:

Read here

(thanks, Carla and Sairuh for pointing me back to things i'd discussed and thought about before but forgot about)

That's all the documentation and citation i'm giving you. i've asked doctors to work with me on doing actual research studies to validate theories of mine while they use me as a research subject and a partner and they've refused. So fuck you if you want something more academic. Click on my labels and read my other postings about sociopathy and BPD. Then do you own fucking work... and ultimately forget where the idea came to you, just like i know it will happen when the truth finally starts to seep into the minds of the collective "medical establishment." Hopefully i'll be long dead by then.

"so where are all these adults with autism?"

(from the "don't take MY word for it" department)
go read this: http://www.unstrange.com/essay.html

people should read it. if they care about me (or their autistic/potentially autistic children). most adults i willingly interact with are on the spectrum (diagnosis or not). many of my abusers were once only autistic (but sociopathic by the time they got to me).

i most appreciated the article's conclusion:

"We hope Donna's mother is right, that we really are in a better place today, and that when our children become adults they will not be invisible."

i'm invisible. always have been. always will be. you know why? people don't like to listen, read, learn or accept what they do not understand from their own first-hand personal experience. some things have to be learned via textual or spoken word because it requires a lifetime of personal experience otherwise. i don't HAVE a lifetime to give. not any more.

neuroracism: still fighting to kill children's will to live

TO: The Entire St. Lucie County School Board (HensleyK@stlucie.k12.fl.us, IngersollT@stlucie.k12.fl.us, MillerJ@stlucie.k12.fl.us, CarvelliJ@stlucie.k12.fl.us, HilsonC@stlucie.k12.fl.us)
RE: Alex Barton's Human Rights Violated
B/CC: Friends, parents, family, lawmakers, Human Rights Organizations, etc.

i'm ... horrified... - No, that word isn't strong enough. i'm DISGUSTED... - No, that's still not enough to express my OUTRAGE...

Wendy Portillo's display of ignorance and cruelty is inhuman. i would hope she loses her employment over this disgusting act of neuroracism and intolerance. It goes beyond intolerance. Her students have learned, at 5-years of age, that they can exclude other children by force simply because they do not "like" something about them. This is the birthplace of bullying, which is mental abuse (and leads to physical abuse). This is anti-education. It is the spread of ignorance to those who are there to be taught. Wendy Portillo's ignorance has just become a powerful message of cruelty to those who will replicate it and those who have been victimized by it.

i should know: i have Asperger's Syndrome. i always have. Alex Barton at least has the opportunity i never had: proper diagnoses and proper care... but Wendy Portillo has sabotaged Alex Barton's chances for a better future. Because of the cruelty and insensitive abuse he was subjected to, in front of an entire class of peers and executed BY an authority figure (Ms. Portillo), he now has great potential to become... LIKE ME.

http://dysamoria.com

i was abused and harassed from day one. There was no diagnostics for me and none were pending or in progress until i forced my way through the ignorant medical system almost four years ago, starting at age 29. i'm 32 now. NOW i have my diagnosis. It is far too little and far too late. People like your Ms. Portillo have ruined my ability to function as an independent adult... long before i became one.

i was timid and had probably many of the same difficulties as your "teacher's" victim Alex Barton; the "authority" and the peers were judgmental and ignorant. i was victimized by constant "corrections," intimidating, confusing and illogical instruction by "authority figures" and penalized with horribly non-applicable "disciplinary actions." i was disallowed advocation, accommodation, compassion or empathy. i learned very quickly that i was worthless in a world of cold, empathy-devoid, hate-filled monsters. i fought throughout my entire life and i lost. The last battlefield was employment by Kutztown University of PA. Diversity? Human Rights? Unions? Law? Nothing. No rights. No support. Where there is no money, there is no way. Where there is no mental stamina, there is no ability to FIGHT to seek help.

How old is Alex Barton? FIVE?? We're talking about a CHILD. What chances are there for him? Are his parents wealthy and able to spend millions fighting ignorance in institutionalized thinking environments like your school?

i thought children were supposed to be our most precious assets and were to be protected at all costs... but apparently that is a falsehood ... merely mystical fantasy and propaganda. Apparently, it is sanctioned by "authority figures" to grotesquely abuse children born with neurological differences from "the norm" because "someone doesn't like them."

St. Lucie... Saint!?!? This is not a name applicable to a domain run by antipathy, racism, intolerance, ignorance and cruelty. What's the two letter abbreviation for "demon?"

There should be a warning notice on your website which indicates that children of differing neurology are unwelcome and will be tossed out like filthy refuse.

i DARE you to look me in the eyes, via my website and my blog, and see what people have made of me by treating me as your school has treated Alex Barton. Tell me that my life of suffering and abuse is acceptable and then go tell Alex Barton what he is likely to become because people under YOUR AUTHORITY are allowed to propagate fear, hatred, cruelty, ignorant judgment, and neuroracism. Look into OUR eyes and tell us that we are inhuman in yours; tell us that we are worthless.

"Alex hasn't been back to school since then, and Barton said he won't be returning. He starts screaming when she brings him with her to drop off his sibling at school.

Thursday night, his mother heard him saying "I'm not special" over and over.

Barton said Alex is reliving the incident."

You enabled and allowed this mental damage to be done to an extremely impressionable and pliable human child's mind. i KNOW what reliving toxic experiences is like. i experience it every day and night. i cannot sleep. My brain will not rest. i am on disability because sociopathic cruelty and neuroracism forced me from a career i loved and excelled at. The organ in my skull called a brain is failing because of insomnia, a lifelong struggle for those with autism, made terminal via lifelong abuse. When i close my eyes and dream, i scream, i yell, i am abused again and again by reliving remixes of the abuse.

Look Alex Barton in the eyes and tell him that you condemn him to a life of misery and disability. A life condemned to being "less than," living in an intolerant society that WILL beat him down no matter how hard he tries.

Thursday night, his mother heard him saying "I'm not special" over and over.

Barton said Alex is reliving the incident."

...Alex is reliving the incident.
...Alex is reliving the incident.
...Alex is reliving the incident.
...Alex is reliving the incident.

Creatures like YOUR KIND have damned me to a life of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, sleep seizures, nightmares, Borderline Personality Disorder, toxic memory replays, human rights violations, harassment, social abandonment, isolation and what is becoming terminal insomnia (the state supplied disability health "coverage" refuses me access to the ONE medication that can help my brain attain delta wave sleep, the only stage in which the brain, as an organ, can rest and repair damage from stress and activity).

...Alex is reliving the incident.
...Alex is reliving the incident.
...Alex is reliving the incident.
...Alex is reliving the incident.

i hope your school's reputation is forced to relive this indecent event as a permanent public relations scar; a reminder of when your school violated- no- RAPED the developing mind of a fragile 5-year-old CHILD with ignorance, neuroracism and intolerance.

-jace cavacini
adult with autism, shunned by society and harassed into disability by antipathy for 32+ years.

autism so deadly

when i cannot sleep,
the organ in my skull breaks down.

when i am drugged to sleep,
the organ in my brain self-tortures.

i become fear. need. loss. hopelessness.



(EDIT: an NPR interview with an insomniac author, which i've not listened to)

officially insane

i can't stand it. i don't belong and i'm sick of being told that i do (so long as i do this, that and the other thing).

mommy and daddy wont take the world away because they can't. but they sure put me in it. boy did they ever put me IN it. it was sink or swim ever since since age... whenever the YMCA pushed me into the pool.

i've asked for help from day one. if it wasn't in my words, it was in my eyes. or my hesitation. or my - sorry, i think i lost your attention. my sister told me to contact Oprah "because she helps people."

i followed the magical Google. they pay google for a list of main links to show up on the search result. one of them was "tell us your story." i clicked on that. the "company" is looking for families who need a life makeover. WTF? Los Angeles ONLY. WTFx2.

then i read the legalese at the bottom of the page; "Oprah" isn't a person. it's a business.

Oprah, The Oprah Winfrey Show, Oprah & Friends, Make the Connection, Oprah's Book Club, Use Your Life, Live Your Best Life, Oprah's Favorite Things, Wildest Dreams with Oprah and Oprah Boutique are registered trademarks of Harpo, Inc. Harpo is a registered trademark of Harpo Productions, Inc. The Oprah Store, Oprah.com, Oprah's Big Give, The Big Give, Give Big or Go Home, America's Doctor, Expert Minutes, the "Oprah" signature and the "O" design are trademarks of Harpo, Inc., Oprah's Angel Network®, Angel Network, O Ambassadors and the corresponding "O" design are trademarks of Oprah's Angel Network. Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls is a trademark of The Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy Foundation. O, The Oprah Magazine and O at Home are registered trademarks of Harpo Print, LLC. All Rights Reserved.

(no, i didn't make the text small; that's how it copied)

i don't know what "help" is. i don't know what "people" are. but now i know what i've been doing wrong all this time: i've been trying to BE a person... this "country" doesn't want people. just soldiers and things to sell. they don't even actually want consumers, ideally. just a government tax on the citizens so that they can have money for stuff to consume.

i'm sick of trying to be a good person. it doesn't work.

this IS the dystopia

Those of you waiting for the apocalypse or for dystopia to come knocking on your door are wearing peril-sensitive sunglasses; this IS the apocalypse. It's happening now. Every day. Every moment of each day.

We live in a "nation" divided almost in half:

• those that are intolerant racists/sexists/etc. and those who pretend not to be.
• people who do things for themselves only and those who pretend to care about others.
• them that never follow through on promises and them that come up with excuses not to.
• sociopaths that wear masks of normality and sociopaths becoming psychopaths.

We're coming towards a new "presidential voting" time where the ruling "party" that's been destroying family values (while talking about conserving them) are likely to remain in power during the next round because the "party" opposing them have chosen a woman and a non-white as their potential candidates. It almost seems designed to leave the sociopathic republic in power while being able to say "See!! SEE!!?? They're sexist racists!! How dare they do this to OUR country!"

It isn't "our country." This "country" belongs to corporations. This country belongs to the intellectually, emotionally and socially ignorant and inept. This country belongs to the complacent, the old, the cruel, the wealthy and the indifferent. This country is slowly passing on ownership to the children it has manufactured to be JUST LIKE THEIR PREDECESSORS!

This isn't even a country at war with itself. It's not fighting itself. It habitually behaves as its told and acts with response to stimuli. There's no revolution, no civil war, no dissent.

In this "country," people who know you the least are telling you who you are. People who know themselves the least are plugging their ears and burying their heads when they act with selfishness and anti-social behavior. In