Neurodiversity: Not diverse

autistic self-advocates often use the term "neurodiversity" to demand the fair and equal treatment of those who differ from the norm. but then they use labels such as "neurotypical," "aspie," and "autie" to draw two boxes: us and them. that is anything but diverse.

there are many good discussions online that rightly attack harmful public misconceptions of AS. but in questioning what qualities truly define AS, boxes are drawn and what follows is exclusion. the difficulties in obtaining a proper adult diagnosis of AS are commonly recognized, and yet people are often accused both of self-diagnosing with AS and of not having it, and then chided for muddying up the box for everyone else (and if there are so many internet AS experts who can diagnose AS or not AS based on a few words from a stranger on the internet, then why the fuck aren't these experts in the profession?). many autistics complain of being excluded because they are different, but their strong need to fit in is creating a repetition of the same exclusionary group behavior that damaged many of them (us?) in the first place. aspies in particular, you may be damaging shadow-aspies without even realizing it.
(shadow-aspies? see review of Shadow Syndromes)

where is the spectrum??? where is the neurodiversity? truth is, there is no archetype brain. they're all as different on the inside as we look on the outside. as for what's normal, well, this world contains a true spectrum of cultural behavior systems, and different types of brains will function well in different systems. what defines the norms of any particular system is just a shared collection of cultural knowledge, and as culture changes, the norms change.

we who find ourselves living outside our culture's norms will do much better if we end all infighting and band together. when it comes to advocating for neurodiversity, let's get rid of the labels and actually BE diverse. let's embrace anyone who wants to fight the good fight, that is, the fight for recognition and for the acceptance of perceived differences. it goes way beyond neurology. take a cue from the failing leftist movement in america if you're not convinced of the dangers of self-segregation. infighting has long splintered the radical left and has been a source of misdirected energy for many hardworking radical left activists; the lack of group power leaves the radical left quite easy to marginalize, and it will do the same to the neurodiverse if we do not come together.

and remember: the women's rights movement was born from the abolitionist movement. who knows what future rights movement(s) will arise from the struggles for neurodiversity acceptance? the rewards for cooperation may not just be your own.

Fuck This Country: Police Don't Protect or Serve

VictoryGrey, like most people, has to go to work in the morning. It IS morning already. In Philadelphia, there are RIOTS. Yes, RIOTS.

Why? Governmental election? No.
The Phucking Phillies won A BASEBALL GAME.

Anti-society, hear VictoryGrey cry out at the horror surrounding her at home (a person I worry for and care about):

(in comments on her own story)

"my nerves are shot. there are several helicopters flying around the area and i'm pretty sure i just heard someone's property being destroyed outside. wtf is wrong with people? :( 12:12 and all mayhem continues unabated."
12:12 AM, October 30, 2008

Then:

"helicopters still buzz overhead. police response summed up in this article:

"Right now, we're just going to let themselves tire themselves out," said Tanya Little, a police spokeswoman."

"while they're still tiring themselves out by shouting their way down my street, i wonder, how do i get tired out?"
1:11 AM, October 30, 2008

[My emphasis used above]

VictoryGrey needs sleep to function. Like me. Like Jace. Like YOU.

THIS is law and order? THIS is humanity?

THAT was a "POLICE SPOKESWOMAN??"

NOT "Serving" or "Protecting" as the slogan used to be, but sitting along on the sidelines doing nothing because it's easier than DOING THEIR FUCKING JOBS.

Oh you huddled masses of creatures called human beings... learn your lesson well:

Non-Americans:
DON'T MOVE HERE. I want to move the fuck out.
This country is anarchy and a 1984-like, media-controlled, reality-twisting, history revisioning dictatorship. As Jace said: THIS IS THE DYSTOPIA.

Our law officials do NOTHING to quell the madness of the group mind (the unintelligentsia group mind, I add). Our law officials do NOTHING for the homeless OR the innocents huddling in their homes afraid of having rioters injure them, destroy their property, or kill them... all over A MOTHERFUCKING SPORTS GAME.

Step aside "nationalism."
Step aside "god."
Here comes the thing Amerikans TRULY worship:

"SPORTS"

FUCK THIS COUNTRY.
FUCK THIS COUNTRY.
FUCK THIS COUNTRY.

Shadow Syndromes: Reviewer Gets It

on amazon.com a few weeks ago, i read a particularly well-written review of the book Shadow Syndromes: The Mild Forms of Major Mental Disorders That Sabotage Us. *

the reviewer uses this text and his own experiences to write a good critique of the confining DSM classifications and to provide a realistic view of brain complexity that argues for spending more time treating patient's symptoms and less on figuring out which box(es) they fit into. his analysis (and more fundamentally, that of the book's author) illustrates the dangers of not doing so. please read.

"Shadows Syndromes is a worthy read, in that it does a good job of highlighting the major disconnect between diagnostic categories and reality. While the DSM model has its uses (research and billing being the only two I can think of right now), it also serves to reify the notion that mental illnesses are precise, discreet disorders. Any one with an ounce of clinic experience will tell you that real cases don't fit neatly into categories. The diagnostic questions sometimes help think through and organize the presenting concerns, signs and symptoms. But often the debate over whether someone is suffering from a pure mood disorder versus PTSD versus character pathology serves as a distraction. Or , another classic example: spinning wheels arguing whether a patient is an addict with psychiatric symptoms secondary to drug abuse or are they actually someone with a primary psychiatric diagnosis who is using substances to self-medicate their mental illness. It's a meaningless exercise based on an overly simplistic model. But that one does matter because insurance companies consider one of those scenarios worth paying to treat and the other worthy only of their contempt.

In reality, just like any other organ in the body, the brain mediates a number of functions. It is responsible for mood regulation, memory, sustaining attention, shifting attention, interpreting social cues, integrating sensory information, regulating motivation of all manner of behaviors, and impulse control, to name a few. We all have various strengths and weaknesses, and we all fall somewhere on a bell-shaped curve for performance of each of these various tasks. People who shake out on the extremes ends in one particular area probably look like textbook definitions of specific illnesses (a "pure" mood disorder with no other comorbidities). That's rare. Looking at it even just from this sort of statistical model, one would expect that, for any given disorder, the number of people who unmistakably qualify for a specific diagnosis would be just a fraction of those who almost qualify. These "subclinical" cases are what Drs. Ratey and Johnson refer to as "shadow syndromes." They go a step further and assert that these people actually suffer more from mental illness, because they slip through the cracks. They are not quite sick enough to find themselves needing treatment, but they are impaired by their symptoms.

It's an important perspective that is explained in simple, readable terms in the first part of the text. The second part then breaks the shadow syndromes down into specific "mild" mental illnesses based on the traditional categories. So just imagine how densely the comorbidities can layer now. Is there anyone motivated to pick up this book that won't conclude that they have masked depression, are slightly bipolar, have a subthreshold intermittent rage disorder, mild attention deficit disorder, a touch of "autistic echoes" and are a shadow addicts? Then what are the implications? Does everyone need to be in therapy? Does everyone need to be on a finely tuned psychopharmacological regimen and a behavior plan?

I recommend this book, I think it's well-written and thought provoking. It does succeed in explaining complex issues in a way that is understandable to people outside the field without being simplistic or dull to people within the field. That's a tough line to walk. And I like the emphasis on blurry boundaries to disorders, and the overall message of understanding how your brain works, what your relative strengths and weaknesses are and how to make the best of things. But I worry that the take-home message for many will be to feel these diagnostic categories expanding, billowing out of their margins, pathologizing every aspects of our humanity as it envelopes us. While it gets at the true complexity of these disorders, it also does so with the bias that mental illness primarily a Biological phenomenon. Perhaps this is to combat social stigma and people's assumptions that these deficiencies are due to personal weakness (or- just as damaging- all to be blamed on bad mothering). Or perhaps, it's that, as we learn more about these disorders (which we are doing at a rapid rate thanks to the new abundance of genetic data and advances in brain scanning that lets investigators see brain regions light up as they work), we learn more about the biological aspects, since that is what we are looking for and trained to interpret. So, now the authors expand the scope of these diagnoses and therefore lead us to the conclusion that more people could benefit from psychopharmacologic treatments. It's a nice book to recommend to your patients if you take only self-pay patients and only do psychopharm visits. But it skims over the real beauty of psychiatry, the reason it is the most intellectually challenging field in medicine and the most rewarding specialty to practice, which is the multifactorial, composite nature of everything our brain is and does at any moment. No doubt the genetics shape the brain, as does the metabolic and endocrine factors in the uterine environment during development, as does nutritional factors, and then near infinite environemental variables acting constantly on each individual. From things as foundational as the fit in temperament between primary caregiver and baby, all the way out to religion and culture. From the preconscious memories of the earliest childhood experiences all the way out to this morning's headline news.

You can take the best brain in the world, if there is such a thing, but I guarantee the individual possessing it will be no healthier than the families, systems, and societies they inhabit.

So thumbs up for a great read, and a perspective that broadens our view of the mind and mental illness. Too bad they interpret the new landscapes with tunnel vision, but it's to their credit that they left me wanting more. "

*note that i haven't read Shadow Syndromes (although i'd like to at least skim it sometime soon).

Adults Terrified of Autistic Children?

This was posted as a comment on NowPublic in response to Jace's article about Sociopathy and Psychopathy (here):

"Patricia Dascher (not verified)
at 20:29 on October 8th, 2008

I am searching for help for my nephew. His mother died last year. Her adopted son, Zac, did not seem to have any feelings during the months she suffered and died of cancer. He was obsessed with his friends, football and school. I was with my brother and Tammy throughout the time she was dying. No one could have been a more compassionate husband in caring for his wife. And no mother and father could have been more dedicated to their son than Tammy and Randy. They were at every game and school function for Zac there was. Tammy became a teacher's aid to make sure Zac who is Aspergers did OK in school. She was there for him.

Yet throughout the time she was dying, he showed no love, emotion or feelings for her. He was totally into himself. He spent a lot of time on the computer. At that time he took his dad's credit card and orders hundreds of dollars worth of sports equipment. No guilt. Only anger that his parents were upset about it and grounded him from the computer.

After his mom died he wrote a eulogy that brought everyone to tears. This is the boy that showed no emotion while she was alive. His friend stood up with him when he read his eulogy and everyone cried for Zac.

Six months later Zac wrote a eulogy for his dad and posted it on the internet. He then tried to poison his father. He was put in a psychiatric hospital and then in the county jail. His dad got a lawyer and got him out of jail. I took my nephew in since he can't live with my brother, his father any more. He is on probation.

He shows no guilt. What is the difference between a psychopath, sociopath and aspergers?"

I posted the following comment as a follow-up, hoping it would help Patricia:

This is disturbing. Thank you for writing. I will try to differentiate between sociopathy and psychopathy first, as the DSM and most people of authority WONT (and don't know how to [or why it's important to do so]).

- Sociopath's do not typically actively participate directly in the physical harm of others. Sociopathy is an anti-social personality disorder. Read the flawed but accessible "The Sociopath Next Door" by Martha Stout. She does not distinguish between Sociopathy and Psychopathy very well, as it seems to have been a late revision to the book (seemingly previously titled "The Psychopath Next Door," according to web research on Stout and the book). The book is very good at describing and giving examples of sociopathy. Sociopaths try very hard to APPEAR to fit social norms, but this is paranoia and a way of hiding their true motivations: everything they do is a game for themselves to win over others. They tend to stop at direct physical assault (meaning they don't commit murder or cause physical injuries to people, but the psychological damage they do is worse since it's hidden). Sociopaths also may indirectly cause damage, death and other openly malignant effects by way of their antipathetic business decisions. Example: the sociopathic behavior of car companies which do cost analyses on which is more expensive: fixing a known dangerous defect, or dealing with the expected legal compensation the resulting injuries/deaths will cause. They choose the least expensive (more profit bearing) option. This is indirect murder. But you are unlikely to see a sociopath actually, in person, physically injure or assault someone other than their family members (and in those cases, it is in rage and often carefully done to avoid detection by outsiders). I argue that sociopaths do more damage to society because they are rarely, if ever, filtered out like psychopaths tend to be.

- Psychopathy is a related anti-social personality disorder which looks and behaves just like sociopathy with the very important difference that a psychopath is assured of their invulnerability and feels no need to hide their "grandeur" from seeing eyes. Psychopaths will not put out the same effort as a sociopath to APPEAR to fit the social norms. Like a sociopath, everything a psychopath does is a game for their own benefit and amusement. They are not insecure or paranoid like a sociopath. A psychopath WILL resort to direct actions of violence, instructing others to commit violence for them or doing it themselves. This is why they tend to get filtered out of society. In the end, the damage they do is horrific, but it's on a really small scale (with the exceptions of cult leaders who kill their followers in suicide orders).

A sociopath may become a psychopath. There is not much existing data to specify why or how, but it likely depends on the following:

- How successful is the sociopath? If VERY successful, they develop more delusions of security and invulnerability.

- How psychologically damaged is the sociopath from childhood? If there is extreme damage, sociopathy is merely a stage on the road to psychopathy.

Here comes the scary part. The origin of both of these personality disorders, and this is NOT and assessment you will find elsewhere other than dysamoria.com, seems to come from a progression that has roots in autism.

Autistic people are all different. Some cannot function without aid. Others are very high functioning, such as those with high functioning Asperger's Syndrome. Having autism DOES NOT MEAN having anti-social personality disorders.

Explanation: People with generally high functioning autism will not be diagnosed as having any specific developmental challenges. This leads to putting demands on them that they cannot meet due to their very nature. Scholastic, social, whatever. This also leads to abuse from parents (as they push their child to do more than the child is able) and peers (who "observe" differences in the autistic person that make them uncomfortable or just intolerant and rough). Long term exposure to toxic life experiences lead to things like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. PTSD and BPD are neurological defense mechanisms developed to protect the functioning of the person who is under constant assault. They can go undiagnosed unless specific events trigger stimulus-response behavior. People with BPD tend to develop a tolerance to feelings of remorse, guilt, responsibility to others, and other social norms because they've "learned" through abuse that no one else will protect them except themselves. They develop very "independence obsessed" life goals and are often unable to maintain relationships and employment for very long before they cycle into behaviors that destroy those relationships and workplace harmony (granted, the USA is largely sociopathic in its employment, so a better gauge is personal relationships and how they repeat the same patterns).

BPD has evidence (apparently not officially researched, but very strong in anecdotal examples) of being a stepping stone between an abused autistic and a sociopath.

Why autistics? They are greatly susceptible to and likely targets of abuse. Simple as that. Abuse leads to defense. You would be shocked at the number of people out there who are probably very diagnosable as having BPD (but who are not diagnosed or who are misdiagnosed with ADD/ADHD, bipolar disorder, cyclothemia, etc). It's just as much an epidemic as autism (and why not, since they seem to dovetail so well and appear as cause and effect in an indirect manner).

There is NO REASON to assume ANY autistic person is or will become a sociopath/psychopath. I am simply describing a pathology as I have observed it countless times both first hand and through third parties.

There are MANY MYTHS about autism that are JUST PLAIN UNTRUE.

Autism DOES NOT EQUATE TO:

- lack of empathy.
- naive, inappropriate, one-sided interaction
- little ability to form and sustain friendship
- poor non-verbal communication

These four bullet points are crap that author (and self appointed expert) Tony Atwood wrote, writes and is used as a citation in academic research papers. It's distorted, incomplete, pop-media stereotyping.

- lack of empathy is perceived from individuals who are overwhelmed with empathy and who have shut down to protect their sensitive nervous systems and emotional systems.
- naive is not a curse and is not permanent
- inappropriateness is extremely vague and open to variation in social/cultural norms
- one-sided interaction can ALSO be caused by the total disinterest of the OTHER party. Have you ever tried to tell someone about something that excited you but bored the other person?
- non-verbal communication MAY or MAY NOT be lacking, as this is a LEARNED behavior for ALL humans. If it is lacking, it can be learned through education or mimicry.

Most important:

The myths about autism/aspergers allow people to create assumptions that are dangerous to disabled people who need care, love, nurturing and everything else any other human being needs. To assume these myths are fact is to do a hideous disservice to these persons with a neurologically different brain structure and who already face life challenges. They are not evil, cruel, or fated to become either. If you abuse someone, you WILL create a damaged person. Monsters are not born, they are made.

Since I don't know Zac's age, I can only hypothesize. If he was adopted, it would be important to know the biological parents' histories, behaviorisms, genetics, family history and the age of the adoption. No matter the care you give a damaged person, they are going to receive that care from a distorted perspective. Not knowing about this distorted perspective means you cannot correct for it. If Zac has AS, he also is likely to have other comorbid conditions such as depression, social anxiety and a hard time fitting in. He may have been harassed, abused, neglected, etc., by enough people in his world that his adopted parents know nothing about. Sometimes children do not report these things to their parents because they feel ashamed or embarrassed of their "failures." Also, if they have or wish to have an extroverted personality, they may overcompensate with new behaviors that they mimic from peers. Take the gruff USA male image into consideration and force that onto a child who is sensitive and under assault. Imagine forcing the tough guy attitude onto that child when it is unnatural for him. He tries to fit in by observing others and behaving the same way, usually mechanically, because it isn't natural for them. This is the road to obsessive behavior and type-A personality (among other things). "Control Freaks" come from this kind of upbringing.

Who encouraged Zac to get into sports? Was it encouragement or pushing? What kind of social ties does he have at school and outside? Are his peers arrogant and wealthy? What "castes" has Zac been in during his schooling years? Unless you take all of this, and more, into account, you can't analyze or judge the cause and effects nor work on solutions or corrections.

It sounds to me like Zac is one of the following:

- high functioning autistic with severe sensitivities that have been beaten into numbness and now all of his actions are mechanical and based on personal rewards gains since he has perceived his peers to have become socially acceptable by doing what they do (act like manly, unemotional, testosterone filled sportsmen with lots of access to expensive sporting equipment and obsessed with oneupmanship). In this case, the eulogy was a very well crafted piece of writing designed to simulate what "normal people do" while the second eulogy for the poisoned father was a result of having perceived social reward for the first eulogy. Automatic behaviors without thoughts of consequences outside of personal social acceptance by the larger groups of people. Likely he has BPD and didn't consider the consequences of his actions other than action A leads to reward B. 1+1=2. He may simply have no emotional ties to his adoption parents or have had to repress so much of his native emotional functioning that he no longer knows HOW to emote or experience emotions of empathy, guilt, remorse, etc. This does not mean that he is a sociopath, nor does it mean he is "bad because he has asperger's." Either way, if things happened as you described, he needs intervention with skilled, educated and modern thinking professionals. Avoid any materials by Tony Atwood and doctors/counselors who seem to favor Atwood. Conversely, Atwood has entrenched himself into the AS book community, so don't toss out a potentially good book if he happened to have written a forward or review for one. There is at least one super excellent book that has a forward by him and the book is not diminished at all because of it. Definitely avoid people who assume Atwood's bullet points (as I showed above) are truth and fact. Avoid people who assume Asperger's Syndrome = incapable of empathy. Avoid people who use the DSM like a bible.

- Or, maybe there is neurological trauma that has gone unrecognized. Zac may have suffered neurological damage (brain damage) to portions of his brain that allow the normal processing of information. This means raw information and emotional processing could be impaired. There are many cases to cite and I wont even try to list any. I've written too much here already. It is a fact: the brain is the mind. The mind is the brain. If something is damaged, the organ will not function "normally." It is worth investigating this if Zac is younger than 16. BPD tends to start to be recognizable from 16 and up. Either way, look into this as a potential issue that might have more targeted treatment. He could have AS AND some other kind of neurological issues that are not yet diagnosed.

I hope this information is useful to you in some way. If you would like to communicate directly with those of us at dysamoria.com, please email to dysamoria at dysamoria dot com. If there is any advise we can give beyond this, we'd be happy to try. We are NOT doctors. We cannot officially diagnose or prescribe. We simply have strong personal interests and experiences in these areas and are eager to be as much help to others as possible because we and those we care for have suffered for lack of proper care and knowledge.

Best wishes to you,

-Intransitivus
dysamoria.com

Foundations, building blocks and arches

A friend and I, while mulling over her youthful relationship choices, were talking about the kind of foundational experiences that she had to build on. For example, given that her father had a violent temper, if she had married the boy she was madly in love with (who had a... not violent, exactly, but... physically expressive temper), then eventually, in reaction to his temper, she probably would have had frequent flashbacks to bad childhood experiences. In other words, she didn't have the right background to enable a healthy relationship with him.

From that, I developed an analogy of personal development being like the foundation of a building...

If a lower layer of blocks is damaged, then they won't be able to hold as much weight as whole blocks. If there's a crumbled section or complete lack of blocks somewhere, then an arch can be built over that spot. But arches take more skill to build than walls and arches require sturdy anchors on both ends, so it's not always possible to make up for a lack of something.

The very bottom layer is made up of things like "was born healthy" "nursed within the first hour" "was breast fed" "had lots of physical contact" "had consistent caretakers".

And subsequent layers are made up of "patient parents" "fair and appropriate discipline" "caretaker reads to child" "healthy diet" "no abuse" "engaging teachers" "supportive schools" "kind friendships" "creative hobbies" "respectful sex" etc.

What we are able to build in our present is determined by the sturdiness of all the layers (and arches, if any) of our past.

When we see something missing in ourselves or in our lives, perhaps what we're seeing are these flaws and gaps in our foundation and missing the things that we can't manage to build for ourselves as a consequence.

Is there a way to move forward? How much does our capacity to build arches over the damaged blocks increase with life experience or decrease under the strains of life?

Attention all research professsionals: I am your litterbox.

I work at one of the top universities in the country. Here's an example of some of the professionally submitted paperwork I receive from research facilities:
I had to wash my hands after touching this paperwork. I wish i could report that this wasn't a somewhat regular occurrence.

Changing the World

Early one morning, I received the following email from Jace:

From: Jace Cavacini
To: ManagerMom
Subject: my life is so fucking invisibly unfair

don't let this happen to your kids


i just woke from several hours of PTSD-type dreams. one was specifically about getting screwed by believing i was the one single person wrong in a room filled with people who had no problem. the materials given to me were wrong!

i was vindicated in the end but it cost me stress and embarrassment and i was forced to openly disclose my autism in a classroom environment after already being terribly embarrassed in front of everyone by being treated like i was just being stupid.

here i am, woken up, angry, crying silently, knowing i'm the only person who will ever know that i'm suffering this way every night, how much it hurts and that the dreams' contents reflect EXACTLY the real life experiences that MADE me have PTSD in the first place. it's all fucking INVISIBLE and no one in the outside world can appreciate it nor is there any help, support or justice to combat the damages done.

this is why i exposed my life before the world on my blog and in nowpublic.com articles and why i disclosed my autism at work. the results are why i'm tired of speaking at all.

i sought public awareness. instead i found more personal harassment and injury. insecure and bitter people looking to make other people smaller than themselves so they can feel better about themselves (like john and jefferson and anonymous cowards on comment forums).

i received punishment for exposing my differences and the truth about the people who treated me so poorly. punishment for showing just how fucked up these things have made me. punishment for not just swallowing it all silently. how dare i speak up.

along with medications encouraging me to act on suicidal impulses and other impulsive thoughts, my very existence is agony night and day and there's no way to prove it to anyone. no justice. i'm just an example of life's losers. a loser by "being dealt a shitty hand."

that's the only admission i've received from anyone, even family. "well jace, you were dealt a real shitty hand."

that admission doesn't even come close to helping me because it's just hollow words spoken by people who can't perceive the suffering i'm living because if the suffering i lived.

how am i ever supposed to heal from something the outside world never accepts or understands? what is my motivation to to even try? on the outside, it all looks to people as though i simply have to stop having a bad attitude. fuck that."

I replied to Jace with the following:

Jace,

Thank you for sharing that with me. Although I am happy to say that things in our school are much different and more supportive, it doesn't change the fact that yours was not. That is just one of the many factors that influenced you. I think it's incredibly amazing that you survived all that and can talk about it in a way that helps others see that it is the rest of us who need to change. I have changed so much since meeting you. The way I deal with my children is much different today than it was a year ago.

Last night while we were helping the kids get ready for bed, Ian suddenly became extremely angry and started punching Steve. When he didn't calm down after several thwarted throws, I gently took his hands and led him away from Steve. Then I asked, "Ian, what has made you so angry?" He said something that didn't really make sense. So I asked the question again. Once more he said something very off topic. I asked one more time, slowly and quietly. His breathing slowed and I could tell he was thinking. Finally, we were able to discern that it was the way Steve told him to go brush his teeth that had set him off. I asked if yelling and punching had made him feel better - "no" was his reply. I told him when I am angry, a warm, deep hug makes me feel better. So, he sat on the floor in my lap and we hugged. I could feel his body relax and the anger leave him. I have you to thank for showing me that Ian's outbursts require evaluation and compassion, not punishment.

Over the last several weeks, I have been involved in a very intense argument with someone who used to be a good friend. Her children and mine have been best friends for 3 years. I thought she understood us and how we do things. She does not. This has caused us to part ways as friends, although we are trying to preserve the children's relationships. This is extremely difficult. She feels all non-conformist behavior should be punished, even if the intent was not to harm others. She just doesn't get it. Hopefully, I will eventually be able to help her understand the dynamics of living in a family with autism, but I am not holding my breath. Nor will I lose sleep over it any longer. If she can't look deep enough to see those things which are invisible, to feel them with her heart and deal rationally with them, then she won't be part of our circle of friends who are able to do that.

Thank you, Jace. You are changing the world ... one person at a time.

Love,
ManagerMom

phantom limb syndrome [Previously Unpublished]

"As I had been looking online for his current email address I discovered his blog (on Blogger, of course) and that he's in a 4-year relationship. That produced a jittery response in me, and for a solid hour it was all I could think of (foot-tapping and all). I was waiting at the DMV for my replacement driver license, so it didn't interfere with life, but I was still a little surprised that my reaction was that intense. Yes, after 16 years he still matters to me. Closure is never what I've wanted there, only acceptance."

i am not at all shocked or surprised. i was with jana for about a year when we (her & i and john&tammy) ran into kristin at Barnes & Noble. i had an intense reaction. It offended jana. It took quite some time for her to be "okay" with and "understand" the situation.

 She had never been through what i had been through. Her longest relationship was "dating" and it lasted weeks to a month or so. She had zero relationship experience prior to me and in the end it really showed, despite spending 7 fucking years at it with me.

 Lazy, selfish, insecure emotional child.

 i would have extremely intense reactions to crossing paths with her today. 

i have enough of a reaction to seeing kristin briefly through her blog, though it somewhat relieves me to find that she is exactly what i expected, as lame as that is. When she appeared at Barnes & Noble, i was pissed that, after months of not wearing it, i was wearing the hooded, over-sized sweater i had that she made fun of, and she even commented to tammy that i was "apparently still the same old jace" ... it pissed me off. i think i threw the fucking thing in a drawer and let it sit for a year or two before jana encouraged me to get rid of it with the clothing we were taking to the Salvation Army shop.

 It bothered me to continue to see [name]'s selfishness in her blog. It annoys me that judy never changed her address with the university, despite me telling her, twice, about mail coming to me. It would bother me to run into any of these people. Most of all, elise.

 i've fantasized about her showing up on my doorstep looking to make friendly and me telling her off, and then realizing that i am not sure i could [tell her off].

These things affect us. We only think we're beyond them because the parts of our brains containing these people stop being referenced. They go dormant. When something directly accesses those parts of our brains, we are shocked to find them still there, and then shocked to find them still the way they were last time. These parts never really go away. We just stop accessing them, for the most part. This is why i envy people who have made friends with their former lovers/mates. It allows a person to change that portion of their brain that holds the internal existence of the person and takes away the potential for future shock and surprise.

phantom limb syndrome, specifically pain, is the exact analogue to my loss of lovers. It happens for the same reason. It also happens because of the other things i said about memory of lovers in the previous email: the brain content is still there. In this case, though, that entire section of brain material becomes "illegal territory" because the removal of the "limb" is painful. This is why people try to close it off, shut it down and eliminate all paths to it. Pathways to these parts become active or available after long periods of dormancy by simply attaining a new lover or mate; it is by association with having had one before... "Which one was that? OW!" and then "and the others... OW!" [insert stimuli and responses here]

[written by Jace, previously unpublished. Originally written 2/2/08 at 4:54 AM - Intransitivus]

nastiness begets nastiness, etc.

posting removed per request of named individuals.

Psychopathy and Antisocial Personality Disorder: A Case of Diagnostic Confusion

Regarding: something published and apparently ignored since February 1, 1996
Psychiatric Times. Vol. 13 No. 2: http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/display/article/10168/54831

"Written by Robert D. Hare, Ph.D. Dr. Hare, who has researched psychopathy for more than 25 years, is a professor of psychology at the University of British Columbia, and was scientific director of a 1995 NATO Advanced Study Institute on Psychopathic Behavior."

i wanted to introduce the topic of Sociopathy vs. Psychopathy into the materials present in Dr. Robert Hare's writing (both his articles found on the web, such as http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/p960239.html and his own website and writings in print).

His article at http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/p960239.html is near excellent in defining some very vital reasoning on why confusion of ASPD and Psychopathy is a terrible problem. Yet, i see a terrible problem in the lack of mention of Sociopathy.

The DSM not only lumps ASPD with Psychopathy, but also does the same with Sociopathy. Sociopathy and Psychopathy ARE Anti Social Personality Disorders. More so, they DIFFER in perceptually small yet effectively VAST ways.

i was very excited to find the book "The Sociopath Next Door" by Dr. Martha Stout. i was confused when a friend read the book and found it lacking my own personal differentiation between sociopathy and psychopathy. i examined the parts she cited and felt she was indeed correct. i had lead her to a book that does not go where i thought it did and where i have been going very frequently in my attempts to educate others.

i have since located some web-based material called "The Psychopath Next Door" which is reportedly Martha Stout's website (which looks outdated and does not indicate her name). The information on this page seems VERY similar to her book. It occurred to me that the process of formalizing her writing on the topic had forced her to change from the subject of Psychopathy to Sociopathy because the people she was writing about were not murderers, cult leaders or other such common psychopathic actions. It is fortunate that she changed terms before publishing the book, but unfortunate that it does not do near as well a job as my own talks with people to define the difference between the two labels.

Most importantly, i think it is VITAL that all of this information be brought back into public discussion, form part of whatever processes involved in producing the next (unfortunately biblically followed) DSM edition, and CLARIFIED to eliminate the confusion that is growing more and more rampant.

i have a personal motivator here. i was harassed, intimidated and abused by several sociopaths. To my knowledge, they are not psychopaths. Their ASPD stops at the point where they attempt to preserve their social status and maintain their adherence to the majority of laws and social rules that would have them filtered out of society, should they break those rules and laws. i have no interest in "protecting" these people in any way (i would love to see sociopaths filtered out of society just as psychopaths tend to filter themselves out after committing crimes), but i DO see a neurological connection to two neurological/psychiatric items that do NOT deserve to be lumped into the same category as psychopaths:

1. Borderline Personality Disorder. This is largely a defensive mechanism of the human mind in response to extensive and intolerable amounts of mental (and often physical) abuse. Most typically observed in females from teenage to about 35, is the claim of much material on BPD. Noted is the "mysterious growing out of it" effect that i have read about in several published materials on BPD. i find this irresponsible and i "see" what is likely happening: BPD leads to sociopathy, if not treated, cared for or otherwise halted in its tracks.
   
   
2. BPD appears to be a VERY common comorbidity of autistic neurology in the later years (between teens and mid 30s).

You see the process i am illustrating?

High Functioning Autistic neurology leads to much social (and often physical abuse) through the "growth years" and the comorbid condition of BPD establishes a strong hold to preserve the mental integrity of the individual. A worst case scenario leads to the terminal point of BPD transitioning into Sociopathy.

In case you cannot predetermine my personal bias here, i am autistic.

My autism spectrum label would most likely be Asperger's Syndrome, but the longer i continue to combat "the system" as an individual, and combat sociopaths and "professionals," the more i am forced to wonder if i am something slightly higher functioning than the high functioning AS individual. My self awareness and intelligence has made me feel rather alienated by those AS persons i have encountered in AS communities and the "professionals" refuse to recognize me as BEING on the autism spectrum (because apparently they do not grasp that austistic children eventually GROW UP with or without a diagnosis). i did not have a diagnosis of anything until about a year ago when i pursued the diagnosis of AS through independent research and a rough time locating professionals who could see beyond their traditionally myopic perspective of only working with children.

AS, and autism in general, has many features that are similar to the criteria for ASPDs and many are perceived to BE antisocial. Worse, it seems to me, from my own personal research and experience, autistic neurology is a potential catalyst for becoming an antisocial person, a "Borderliner," Sociopath or psychopath. The determining factors seem to be nurture (positive or negative) and self awareness (though that lucidity of self awareness is questionable in terms of how it comes about and whether it can be taught or learned).

My point: Sociopaths are more dangerous than psychopaths. They do not get filtered out of society because, as many have stated, the "dog eat dog" aspects of "modern society" seem to encourage it and getting "ahead" in society seems to be enabled by the traits of sociopathy. Also, i know MANY persons with AS and BPD. None of them deserve the mistaken presumption or sloppy and incorrect diagnosis of Sociopathy or Psychopathy.

The DSM needs to be moved drastically into a "spectral" format instead of solid on and off bipolar determination. i am hoping that interaction from people such as myself with people such as the professionals "in the business" (especially those who are authoring books and being read by other professionals and students of the topics he presents) will eventually lead to a healthier DSM and better diagnostic results from the "professionals" who use the DSM as the end-all be-all bible of "mental health."

The mind is the brain. The brain is the mind. Knowing how it works, and why it works in the ways it does, is the best route to a healthier human species and human societies.

Thank you for reading this rather long message. i would like to send a copy to Dr. Robert Hare, but the website indicates a postal address only for personal correspondence. i hope that this message is a little of both; please do forward this message to him if that is possible. Otherwise, i will have to use the postal service.

-jace cavacini
dysamoria (at) dysamoria dot com
http://dysamoria.com

why sociopaths are cruel / why borderliners are so needy

"why are sociopaths cruel?"

the answer may be the same as the answer to the question(s):

"why are borderliners so needy? (or, why are they often serial monogamists?)"

i propose a very simple neurological hypothesis that you educated people will dismiss out of hand:

Chemical tolerance to serotonin and oxytocin (two neurotransmitters known to deal with short term and long term feelings of love, empathy and the control of obsessive compulsive traits).

It's simple: once you've been in enough situations where your body generates huge amounts of "love chemicals," only to have the source stimuli taken away toxically, you develop an addiction to the chemicals AND an aversion to the stimuli. Love is itself an addiction or OCD behavior. The more experiences you have with the stimuli coming AND GOING, the more tolerance you develop to the chemicals and their stimuli. The stimuli needs to be more powerful each time until you no longer get a response to it at all. Persons with BPD need more thrills to get the chemical high (see my blog entry titled "The Romanticized Drama of the Endgame"). Sociopaths are simply immune to the stimulus (except for extraordinary situations, such as when will jefferson had his car accident and acted like a human being for about a week and a half before becoming even worse than he was previously).

In both cases, there is no treatment unless the subject is intellectually willing and able to accept the facts and use intellect to attempt to compensate for behavioral training. Many people with BPD are right on the edge of losing that ability. i've known several women who seemed very self aware only to find that they couldn't act on their knowledge. i would imagine the case is worse for those who are totally sociopathic. Someone with BPD WANTS a better existence. Someone who's sociopathic is pathologically incapable of seeing that their existence is flawed and that they should do anything about it (everyone else is the problem, which is the declaration of most of us who have been fucked over by sociopaths and borderliners... takes one to make one, right?).

Once again, i tell you there is a connection and a CLEAR and DOCUMENTABLE PATH from autistic-spectrum disorders to Borderline Personality Disorder to Sociopathy.

Now go look at a third party who has made some similar connections (though, not as similar as i would like, why must i be a trail blazer that is ignored as ignorant??)... not the same topic, but it will serve as my REFERENCE for those of you who seem to require references in order to believe anything i say:

Read here

(thanks, Carla and Sairuh for pointing me back to things i'd discussed and thought about before but forgot about)

That's all the documentation and citation i'm giving you. i've asked doctors to work with me on doing actual research studies to validate theories of mine while they use me as a research subject and a partner and they've refused. So fuck you if you want something more academic. Click on my labels and read my other postings about sociopathy and BPD. Then do you own fucking work... and ultimately forget where the idea came to you, just like i know it will happen when the truth finally starts to seep into the minds of the collective "medical establishment." Hopefully i'll be long dead by then.

peace so delicate, silence so deadly

i think i just made peace with my neighbor, Dotty. i apologized for my mother's unwarranted phone call. Dotty told me her sister died recently; that she's been in a bad mood, too. Her best friend, she said.

"I've lived here too long to be nasty. I'm not a monster." i said i know. i said i wanted to make peace; she said she wants that too. i wish the same were possible for the other neighbor. but we cannot talk.

we never know each other until we talk. even then...

silence is deadly.

if only we were built as stronger creatures so that we COULD talk when we should.

i, too, am not a monster.

elderly abusing disabled people??

"Elder Abuse" is a term to describe the abuse of elderly people. This can occur in the home (by relatives or outpatient-care nurses) or in group homes for the elderly (by employees). It's a terrible- no- horrible problem. Often these abused persons have no way of seeking help. Who would believe the "crazy old person" when telling tales of otherworldly treatment in a facility designed to care for elders when they need assistance?

It's all too true and all too real.

To make matters worse, there's another way of using the word "elderly" with the word "abuse." It is being discovered as another frightening and growing trend that elderly people are abusing younger people who have disabilities.

You read that correctly.

First, think about a few issues elderly people face:

1. Isolation and loneliness - not all elderly people have spouses or close friends, as these support persons may have died off. They're lonely and ...
   
2. Boredom - i'm sure you've had times where you felt like stomping bugs or throwing spitballs because you were just THAT horribly bored. Lack of intellectual stimulus leads to atrophy of the intellect. Combine that with number one, above, isolation and loneliness... you get lots of impulses to occupy yourself with ANYTHING, including things that... well... really don't matter. Obsessing over the lawn. Worse, things that aren't your business, like other people's lawns.
   
3. Decades of baggage - i don't mean luggage. i refer to decades of unhandled emotional problems. Problems which may have been marginal and manageable when items 1 and 2 above were not problems have a tendency to grow into monster problems. OCD, paranoia, insecurities, low self esteem, etc. These become pathological and dangerous to harmonious interaction with neighbors and family members.
   
4. Social ignorance - i do not suggest elderly people are stupid. i suggest that they are out of touch with modern awareness of things such as disabilities, which is the focal point of this article.
   

Now, instead of ONLY giving you my likely-biased personal examples, i will first bring to you the comments posted on a forum called "Butch-Femme" which deals with supporting individuals with gender role issues. They had a particularly interesting thread about cyber bullying and other types of harassment. i will quote the relevant comments below:

Quote:
---------------------------------------
Originally Posted by 909 Pervertions

hi there everyone

... i liked the information you posted regarding PTSD as a result of bullying, because i am working right now with a housing authority, fair housing officer, legal rights, & the civil rights commission [plus more contacts], on this very issue-

senior citizens have been doing the bullying- i.e., targeting & exploiting individuals who may have serious/sensitive vulnerabilities along the lines of mental/neurological/emotional- and it's been a surreal scenario because the senior citizens are claiming "elder abuse!" they look like neatly dressed senior citizens with fearful expressions and are convincing as can be- except - they've been caught in the act with pretty heavy duty acts of discrimination...

their "deliberate" behaviours: targeting; stalking; threatening; hate-crimes; animal cruelty; discrimination; and so on- have created personal hells for their targets because it interferes not only in the victims use all common areas, public transportation, and personal safety within that particular community, it's broader still- the bullies have "recruited" people from outside of the housing community- so- the bus who picks up some of the mentally ill people for example, doesn't offer rides because the supervisor is a friend of the main bully at the residental community, who has listened to all of the gossip, accusations, and- so on...

i met and helped a woman over a year ago [reinstated transportation rights, no small undertaking! she needed the bus in order to visit the market to have food-] - she had her "rights" all along- but has a mental illness & besides the bus intimidation, had been bullied for using the sidewalk, laundry room, playing bingo, et c for come to find out- humiliated, ostracized, name-called, et c for *** 8 *** years inside [and outside] of her community- it's how i uncovered the discrimination / senior citizen bullies there-

the senior citizens would ring up the police department [and fire department] and have an officer dispatched at an odd hour to the home[s] of their target[s]- for everything under the stars, although nothing was "found" by the officer during the call... the bullies managed to further add stress/anxiety levels of the targeted individuals by disrupting sleep schedules...

patterns began to emerge - the seniors contacted the police stating they were being harrassed by the mentally ill- and feared the Victims- were out to get The Seniors !

hypervigilant- not paranoid- targets figured out whatever they were blamed for doing, is exactly what the bullies were up to- it was projected: blamed/reversed on the victims ...

the bullies are presently being dealt with by law enforcement, housing, and possibly a trial is in the not too distant future...
...
909
x
---------------------------

End Quote.

Is this story shocking to you? It wasn't shocking to me. In fact, this was pointed out to me by a friend who visits and comments on my blog. He did some searching to see if there were other examples of my personal struggles with elderly neighbors and sent me the link to 909's posting. This friend has been a wonderful assistance to me.

Another quote:

Quote:
---------------------------------------
Originally Posted by 909 Pervertions

Is bullying of adults seen as a lesser crime, a lesser concern?

dear bardicsong

i found this question of particular interest - many resources/support systems often can be fairly accessible for [parents of] children &/or young adults who are experiencing victimizing- stressful-frightening- circumstances: bullying; disabilities; medical conditions; and so on...

the adult appears to have minimal apertures in some, but not all support systems- perhaps not so much with the mainstream groups for depression and/or ptsd, medical illnesses, et c... bullying , and the emotional impact [in addition to physical/spiritual/intellectual] for adults who may be dealing with a disability of some sort is more complicated at times, in actual presentation of symptoms...

the victim bullied [with or without disability] may be seen as a crazy adult who *should * know better- there are multiple scenarios whenever an individual has not the typical *coping skills * to begin with- bullying can create so many frustrations for the victim, who may be trying to stand up for herself that she actually appears as a bully...

disabled/vulnerable people are just the ones certain bullies target/seek out- there's a spectrum of bully-types, as there are people on the spectrum with autism, depression, intelligence, support systems, comprehension of what defines bullying, and more...

i sure hope this makes sense- there are excellent contributions in this thread- thanking you all-

all the best to everyone!

respectfully,
909
---------------------------

End Quote.

i couldn't have said these things better myself. Just for the hell of it, here's the reply i sent to 909:

i am high functioning autistic. AS, to be specific. i was directed to your posting, 909, by a friend who is into relationships research. This is what i had to say:

"This is incredible. Just a few days ago, i went out into my back yard to pick berries from my overweighted golden raspberry bush... i was out there no longer than 5 minutes and the wacko on my right came out to harass me about my lawn (which is not breaking any ordinances), my pale of lawn pullings (it's been sitting there to dry and allow the bugs to bail out, so i can use it for mulch to keep the weeds down where i have intentionally planted stuff, like the berry bushes), and so on. i literally fear going outside because one jerk or the other will come out to harass me. i even considered calling the police to make a complaint. This woman came out no less than four times and WATCHED ME from her door, sending complaints that i couldn't and didn't care to hear. i tried to take it all in stride and just say "yeah yeah" and not even look at her, but i shouldn't even have to deal with it. i resolved to tell the next one who harasses me "Could you possibly allow me to have peace in my own yard!!!""


BOTH next door neighbors are senior citizens. BOTH of them treat me like the problem is MINE. The one on the right is OCD and cannot stand my yard. The one on the left is OCD+ other things and has harassed me, outright, while working in my own yard WITH a witness!!!

i have PTSD from a life time of mental abuse. i have insomnia and other parasomnias from the same (and from my neurology). i WAS a functioning member of society, earning a living, working a professional job training people on technology use. The straw that broke me was more like a giant redwood crashing through the back of my skull, thrown at me by people i thought were friends and professionals. My immediate supervisor at work is a sociopath. He lied to me, manipulated me, and finally harassed me to no end. The dean of our dept., his boss, told me all kinds of things to put me at ease when i finally walked off the job in tears and later came back. Months later, because i kept my mouth shut like the dean advised, SHE was spewing the same crap out of her mouth that HE had been. i was told by others at my workplace that the dean tends to believe whoever gets to her first and my sociopathic boss was ALWAYS using and abusing ANY opportunity to talk me down in front of others (since he finally had had it made clear that i wasn't going to take it from him any more).

Both bosses showed neuroracism and age-related prejudice.

i have a lot of talk about it on my blog at http://dysamoria.com , but i just wanted to say that your posting, 909, totally amazed me. It also makes me feel slightly LESS specifically targeted.

i've known for a long time how people think about neurological disorders and general disabilities and i know the elderly have an even worse viewpoint on it, as if it is a chosen lifestyle. Both next door neighbors have extreme anti-social problems and psychological problems of their own. They obsess (OBSESS) over their yards and they harass me and intimidate, and threaten me about mine. When do they do it? WHEN i'm WORKING on my yard!!!!!

i don't know why it's like this (actually i do, i have traits of autistic savant genius)... i wish it weren't like this and it's driving me insane (as if being on disability from constant social/mental abuse hasn't done enough damage). If you want to use me as a reference example of the same thing happening elsewhere, feel free to get in contact with me. The one "my age" neighbor told me just yesterday that the neighbor on my left side HATES her (this girl is, IMO, quite like myself, but she has a stronger stomach than myself and apparently doesn't let it get to her somehow).

anyway... thanks for sharing that information

dysamoria at dysamoria dot com.

i have since been harassed again. The following is an email i sent to my local police chief (and soon i will share this article with him as well. For context, the two elderly neighbors on the immediate left and right of my row home have harassed me primarily about ... my yard.

Quote:

Hello Chief,

To follow-up: my father and i worked on my yards today after i came home from the hospital. i have cropping to do yet around plants i am nurturing, but the yard no longer has foot-tall grass. i also edged the front yard since the dirt was encroaching upon the sidewalk, then sweaped-up the mess.

Yesterday, before entering my home when my dad dropped me off from the hospital, i pulled tall grass out with my hands (while wearing my EEG) because i respect the responsibility to take care of my yard in ways that it affects my neighbors; i don't want anyone to be required to tromp through the grass between street and sidewalk. So, i'm actually pretty aware of and conscientious of these things, even if i can't always act on it immediately. i appreciate your reminder and assistance, though :)

Also, i wanted to ask that you make a "polite reminder" to Anna that she mind her own business. As has happened EVERY TIME that i've worked on my yard from day ONE in Coplay to TODAY, i was trimming and she came out to harass me. She stood on my yard, approached me, attempting to "talk" to me. i had ear plugs in to protect from the trimmer noise and i KNEW she was there to harass me, so i ignored her for a minute. Finally, after i could no longer handle her lurking and picking at the ground, i turned off the trimmer and faced her (she was standing only 1 foot from me already). i didn't even get a chance to talk before she started "asking" if i was going to remove "those weeds over there" (pointing to the area i had previously started cleaning up BY HAND, while wearing an EEG, YESTERDAY). i told her "Do you see me working here?" She replied "Yes, but," and i interrupted by continuing "i am working on my yard." She then started AGAIN to complain and i again interrupted her by saying: "i'm taking care of my responsibility. Go back to your own place." She tried to "win" an argument i was not having by telling me "Never mind" and then walked away. About 15 to 20 minutes later, while i was out front again, Anna was "conspicuously whispering" to Rich's wife (the neighbor next door down, i don't remember her name) and i felt that she was complaining about me because Rich's wife politely gave "mmm hmm" responses without saying anything. Rich's wife's kids were playing with Mary's kids. Mary and Sam are on the other side of Dotty/Dorothy, the other elderly neighbor who has harassed me, in the opposite direction. Dotty has not bothered me in months, though she did ignore me when walking past me as i was sweeping up HER side of the cement walkway prior to making a mess with edging (which i cleaned up).

Anna has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and is passive-aggressive. i know this because of three years of observation. i personally feel that her argumentative and passive-aggressive personality is what put her husband in the ground. Her type of behavior is extremely toxic to me because it is exactly what i dealt with at KU. It is what i suffered most of my life while trying to "be the good boy" and do as people instructed. Trying to comply with passive-aggressive people lost me my job because they cannot be satisfied. Ever. The next time she harasses me, i will contact Coplay Police and ask to press harassment charges against her. i cannot continue to allow people free reign over me like this, whether they are "old" or not. She's OCD and passive-aggressive and it's not an "old age problem" alone. It's an anti-social disorder, as in "anti society." i'm doing more than my part in trying to fit into society. i don't see why i should suffer the anti-social harassments and abuses of people who skate just along the edge of legality when they strike just because they're old or not breaking the law conspicuously. i do believe i have the right to live and work in non-hostile environments. My right at work was violated. i don't want to continue having it violated in my own yard WHILE i am COMPLYING with the requirements of the society.

Please forgive my complaining nature. i'm not directing this at YOU in any way other than "you're the person who deals with the community as a member of the social support structure." i blame nothing on you or on Coplay. i blame poorly "trained" individuals who wont allow other individuals to live without harassment; you're not one of those problem individuals. i appreciate your help and your communication VERY much and hope that we can continue to maintain and grow our understandings of each other.

OCD reference: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/OCD
Passive-aggressive reference: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passive-aggression#Common_signs
These and this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Malicious_compliance are several of the things that abusive people have demonstrated while abusing me in my lifetime, among others, like sociopathy (not a great reference but best i could find at the moment since WikiPedia refuses to acknowledge it just like the DSM-IV TR).

Thank you for your time, your consideration and, most importantly, your patience.

-jace

p.s.: my EEG gear looks like this:
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3111/2528464721_576de8328a_b.jpg
and i've updated my blog with a similar account of events... don't know if you still check it out or not.

End Quote.

Interesting? Boring? Sorry. Go read other stories about bombs and politics.

Unbelievable? Sorry, but it's all too real. i used to think that, were i in a wheelchair, people would be more patient and kind to me because they could SEE my disability. Maybe that's just not true. Maybe there are some people who just will never care about another person outside their own personal interests. i mean, wouldn't you stop and think a moment after your neighbor has posted signs on his door about not being able to tolerate further abuse and then when seeing that same neighbor wearing an ambulatory EEG on his head with a recorder on his hip... would you be more likely to show patience or would you just assume the guy is" a crazy adult who *should * know better??"

Human beings have a terrible habit of abusing members of their own species and their own communities. i fail to see the relevance in excusing anyone for age. Being impolite and rude is a little more universally understood than "autism," so why do so many people fail the most basic of rules of engagement when interacting with other people?

passive-aggressive neighborhoods...

my father and i worked on my lawn today after he brought me home from a check of my ambulatory EEG wiring at hospital.
Yesterday, after he dropped me off from the hospital, i pulled tall grass with my hands (while wearing my EEG) because i my trimmer batteries needed charging. i respect the responsibility to take care of my yard in how it affects my neighbors; why make anyone tromp through grass between their vehicles and the sidewalk?

... Back to today...

As has happened EVERY TIME i've worked on my yard, from day ONE at my house, while i was trimming, my elderly neighbor Anna came out to harass me. She stood on my yard, approached me, attempting to "talk" to me. i wore ear plugs to protect from the trimmer noise. i KNEW Anna was there to harass me. i tried to ignore her. Finally, i could no tolerate no more.

i turned off the trimmer and faced her (she was only one foot from me already). i didn't get a chance to talk before she started "asking" if i was going to "remove those weeds over there" (pointing to the area i had previously started cleaning up BY HAND, while wearing an EEG, YESTERDAY).

i told her "Do you see me working here?"
She replied "Yes, but-"
i interrupted with: "i am working on my yard."
She then started AGAIN to complain and i again interrupted her:
"i'm taking care of my responsibility. Go back to your own place."
She tried to "win" an argument i was not having by telling me "Never mind" and then walked away.

About 15 to 20 minutes later, Anna was "conspicuously whispering" to another neighbor; i felt the "spidey sense tingling" ... seemed she was complaining about me. The second woman politely gave "mmm hmm" responses without words.

On the opposite side of me lives Dotty/Dorothy, the other elderly neighbor who has harassed me. She's not bothered me in months, though she ignored the hell outta me walking past me as i was sweeping-up HER side of the walkway.

Anna has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and is passive-aggressive. Dotty is passive-aggressive and maybe has OCD a bit, too. i know this because of three years of observation. i personally feel Anna's argumentative and passive-aggressive personality is what put her husband in the ground.

These types of behavior are extremely toxic. Especially to me. It's exactly what i dealt with at KU. It 's what i suffered most of my life while trying to "be the good boy" and do as people instructed. Trying to comply with passive-aggressive people lost me my job because these people cannot be satisfied.

Not Ever.

The next time Anna harasses me, i'll contact the police and press harassment charges. i cannot continue to allow people free reign over me like this, whether they are "old" or not. OCD and passive-aggressive disorder aren't just "old age problems." They're anti-social disorders, as in "anti society." i'm doing more than my part, trying to fit into society. i don't see why i should suffer anti-social harassments and abuses by people who skate just along the edge of legality when they strike... just because "they're old" or because they're "not breaking the law conspicuously."

"Bullying isn't illegal" - Sharon Picus, HR Manager, Kutztown University, Sociopath.

i believe i have the right to live and work in non-hostile environments. That right at work was violated. i won't continue allowing it to be violated in my own goddamned yard WHILE i am COMPLYING with the requirements of the society.

OCD reference
Passive-aggressive reference
Malicious_compliance (related to above and what i've suffered)
Sociopathy reference (not a great reference but best i could find quickly and better than Wiki's because Wiki's pedantic and inflexible nature of not including information that's not agreed to by the shitty DSM-IV TR. More about sociopathy on my blog).

(00:35 - heart palpitation, sitting on shitter, typing these recent blogs on laptop)

some people are actually starting to think...

points scored by the editors of WikiPedia who wrote the part of the following excerpt which i highlighted below:

"There are many different theories about the cause of obsess