forget about drugs

in sleep, drugged even. . .
couldn't hide. these thoughts find you
and eat you alive.

----------------------------------

thoughts in swarms assault the brain, leave it spent, rent from rest no matter how much it tried to get. what IS rest? the thing you do with eyes closed, or the way you feel when you wake?

i went to bed with those thoughts that don't stop, the kind you CAN only drug away if you can even do that. and i woke to them as well. were they with me all night, or just filling in the cracks of consciousness like some sooty paste?

i got a full night's sleep, 7 hours of deep sleep from which i only woke once for the bathroom, and i feel like i've been up for days. my brain is exhausted and my muscles feel as if they have some memory of it too.

i only recently began medicating my sleep. prior to that, a night like this would have left me with no sleep and i would've blamed feeling exhausted on the lack of sleep. now what do i blame it on?

there is insight about jace in this post. for me at least. insight about how someone can sleep for 12 hours and wake up exhausted, desiring more sleep. insight that goes beyond slow wave sleep, because that's only part of the equation. insight about why medications may not work. how they can make sleep happen but maybe not rest.

medications will never make the thoughts go away. they ALWAYS come back to wage their assault. most brains eventually move on and forget as they accumulate new experiences that are more gentle on the mind. THAT is what makes the thoughts go away, or at least to go away enough to move on.

PTSD sufferers can't move on and forget. and once a person's stress tolerance is worn down to nothing, almost every new experience is potentially toxic, either toxic in its own right, or as a reminder of previous toxicity, or as something that demands hope and threatens disappointment as its reward.

here is what i believe about jace: i believe he suffered traumatic experiences all his life. they may not be experiences that would've traumatized you, but you must accept that HE felt traumatized. i believe he bore that trauma as best he could and continued on, much as i myself do. i believe a lot of shit came down on him at once, including medications he never should have been given, and it broke him. and his already troubled sleep became worse, and his days became worse, and his already troubled sleep became worse, and his days became worse, and his already troubled sleep became worse. . . do you see where i'm going with this?

it's a pebble grown to stone grown to boulder and it's running away down the hill faster and bigger and this hill is big, oh it's a fucking mountain, but it DOES have an end. and none of you are going to like it. the faster and the bigger it gets, the harder it will be to catch it. so far you've all failed miserably.

you can't do it with medication. you can't wish it away. you can't make it stop with tough love. in fact, tough love is when you try to catch it and instead you stumble and give it another good push.

you don't know what to do. you want an easy answer. i'll give it to you. this boy craves your redemption. he needs a support network. and, in my opinion, he needs help trying different non-drug-based therapies until he finds one that works for resolving some of the trauma. many people with PTSD do recover, but you're all going to wait until it's too late, aren't you? keep listening to "experts" instead of doing the research for yourselves, reading about what works and what doesn't.

forget about drugs. they aren't working. he needs to get off of them. at this point, they're just another reason to commit suicide and a weapon to try and do it with.

Addict's Almanac

Street Roots, a Portland nonprofit paper that assists the city's homeless and impoverished citizens, is running a short-term autobiographical column by Tye Doudy. The Addict's Almanac offers a thoughtful peek into the brutal lifestyle of heroin addiction and homelessness. Tye's prose is peppered with reflections that humanize America's untouchable class, reminding us that these non-entities were once people just like you and me, still are like you and me, and could be you and me. Between the past and the present, he glimpses into the future, putting truth to the junkie's lie and making self-aware forecasts that peer hopelessly further down the spiral to this lifestyle's inevitable end.

Please read the excerpt below, and then use the link to continue following his story.

August 6, 2008

"The smoky interior of the Roxy, with its smells of clove cigarettes, coffee, and greasy diner food, is an oasis. Those old familiar pulp fiction posters on the wall and the same Skinny Puppy songs playing on the jukebox. Small groups cluster at tables and in the booths. Gothic kids and punk rockers drinking the all-night coffee and chain smoking. Flamboyant gay guys sitting at the bar talking loud and looking around to see if anyone is paying attention. No one is.

I spot an associate sitting by himself at one of the small two-person tables and make my way over. His name is Joe but he goes by Ashes, and Ashes looks loaded. He barely looks up when I sit down and from the length of the ash on his smoke I can tell he was on the nod. His hooded eyes finally look up and find mine as the waiter takes my order for coffee and toast. He tucks a long strand of greasy hair behind his ear and through missing teeth tells me I look like hell. Coming from him this is truly something.

Ashes has been on the streets a long time. He was already “old” when I first hit the dope road all those years ago. Beneath his long and tattered leather jacket and his Sisters Of Mercy T-shirt his thin frame shows the wear of the longtime dope fiend. His arms are covered in homemade tattoos and scars from past abscesses. He is somewhere in his late 30s but looks a decade older. Anybody with eyes would make him for an addict. He’s about as trustworthy as a rented snake, and he is the closest thing I have to a friend at this moment.

My first question is, of course, is he holding and second, can I get him to kick down a little something. Even a rinse would set me straight and buy me some time to make a plan. No junky wants to give up any dope ever, but I have some leverage as he has no hustle and he knows I will make some money today. He supports his habit by spare changing in the transit mall. Not a sure thing, even on a good day. A real loser’s gambit. Real bottom of the food chain shit. So I get him to agree to get me well as long as I take him along on whatever scheme I cook up for the day.

In order for me to get the fix, we first have to go back to the squat he shares with some other scumbags under the Jackson Street overpass. We leave at once. Fuck the coffee and toast. It’s only a few blocks away and as we make our way to the spot, morning people are beginning their day. Office workers are emerging with their overpriced Starbucks beverages and service workers are on their way to their shitty jobs serving shitty food to shitty people.

The pedestrians avoid eye contact and keep moving. They’re not scared, just seen it all too many times. Anybody that lives or works downtown is so used to this that it’s like rain to them. Something unpleasant but inevitable, just part of the city. When we finally reach the overpass and duck down through the hole in the freeway fence the smell of shit is a shock. The whole side of the embankment is dotted with small white flags of used toilet paper marking each pile of human excrement. There are no public bathrooms open at night in this area of Portland so people do what they have to do whereever they can. No matter how many squats I’ve been in, the smell of piss and shit always takes my breath away for a moment. This is the bottom. Truly, it would be hard to fall any lower than this. Maybe dying of AIDS in a welfare hospital would be worse. Maybe."

read the rest of Addict's Almanac.

a Haiku-OS blast from the past

thanks to the wayback machine, i have resurrected this from my days as a BeOS/Haiku and Computer Industry Crusader... the problem with crusading is that people lose sight of the goal and become blinded to the morality of their words and actions. so i posted this on ZetaNews (formerly BeNews, i think) - this was my old life:

Hi! Yes, that's the new picture of me. So next time we all go to WalterCon, you can recognize me. (by that time, I'll have long hair again or be bald, by my luck). Anyway, this article was written mostly in note format. It's dull, long and boring. I wrote notes as often as I could and then filled in proper linguistics and sentence structure to make a story out of it. Mostly... So, now that you know I'm not proud of it... Enjoy!

Day Zero:

So, here I am, in the airport, waiting for the first outgoing flight to board the plane, writing the beginning of this article, not knowing if it will survive the journey. You see, I am writing this on my Newton. Newton? Why not a laptop? I don't have one of those. Palm? Yes, I have one of those. But, the Newton screen is much bigger. Plus, its cool. Oh yeah, the other reason is that my Palm Pilot was killed by airport x-ray about an hour ago. (insert swearing here) I don’t know why. Maybe the flash memory chip which holds the OS was fried. Luckily, my Newton, borrowed digital camera, and borrowed video camera still function. I was under the impression that this kind of thing was an urban legend. Not true, sad to say. So anyway... thus begins the tale of how I went to the first WalterCon. Hopefully the tale will be happier from here on.

My two flights were over (yes, two flights). I spent many hours of waiting; flying from PA to OH took two planes and more time in the airport than on the planes themselves. I was finally leaving the airport, seeking a shuttle bus to the Holiday Inn where WalterCon was to be held... where I would be able to get some SLEEP! I was many hours early for WalterCon because I had to fly out on Friday night just to get there on time for a 9am start. I had been up since 6am and it was after midnight. I managed to ride the same shuttle bus as my flight crew. Small world. Late night. And then.... I slept.

If you need a sign that says "The Real Article Starts Here", this is it:

"An experience worth remembering"

Day One:

Day one came along, bright and early. I awoke at 8am to the sound of beeping. I did my morning ritual (making myself fresh smelling enough for the public). Oops... Should have gotten up earlier to eat breakfast. Oh well...

When I walked into the conference room, I was greeted by Michael Phipps. It seems that no one was as expected. Michael envisioned me as a blond surfer guy (I'm a dark Italianish plain guy). The image of me on ZetaNews.com is super old (I have short hair now - check it out in my new retro photo). I envisioned Michael as... um... Come to think of it... I had no idea. I was surprised, none the less. Michael's articles and emails left me with an impression that might have easily been a man who was my size, with a business suit and haircut. All professional and calm. In reality, he's a big guy with (what I will call) a military cut of reddish hair, full of life and quick wit. In fact, this story will have more than a few of his one liners in it (maybe). You may have seen some of them on other news sites already (they were being posted in an almost real time manner from those fine folks in the back of the room, often referred to as "the trouble makers").

Michael made some opening statements which involved forward thinking perspectives, some comparisons to Apple's John Scully's forward looking statements (which were amusing as he was fired prior to the point he predicted, as was the Newton, I might add) and then asked the question "What are computers really for??"

Michael summed up the point of computers, in his forward looking eyes: Less math, more function. Future media. Useful technology. Then he asked "How does $NEWNAME become a part of that?" ("$NEWNAME" was his way of keeping "Haiku" for later).

One of the greatest features of BeOS and "$NEWNAME" is queries. Queries allow users to organize things the way they choose to, not how Redmond chooses (or Linus or Steve, etc). "$NEWNAME" is fast, small, stable and secure. And many of the other things we BeOS users have accosted our non-BeOS-using humans with.

Michael made a good point that the community needs to actively contribute to the goals "because Axel can only do so much!" (despite the rumors to the contrary, Axel is just a mere human - a superior human, it seems, but still merely a human!). Michael asked "Why did Be fail?" His answer: "The community waited for them to do it all." The moral: make this OS what you need it to be. Contribute. Communicate. Get involved.

Michael then went on to share his perspective that OBOS is user-based, not server based. That we need graphical development tools (RAD?) so that more developers can be brought into the community and to make development progress faster and easier (for people like me, even!).

Then came the moment that everyone had been waiting for. The moment for which all had come to this gathering. The announcement!

Michael held up one of the new shirts. The back of the shirt sports a "WalterCon 2004: Be there or be troutslapped" design on the back, which was the side currently in view (I bet my English teachers never thought I’d spend a few minutes trying to decide if “troutslapped” was one word or two).

Perfect. Great design. Hopefully this design will be used for future WalterCons. Then he stalled a bit... He made a movement as if to turn the shirt around and then stopped just short "Wait a minute..." But enough was enough. Michael flipped the shirt around and announced it. OpenBeOS is now known as...



Check out that new logo, folks!

Wait... here it is again:



I think this is pretty cool and I'm happy with it. And so will you be!

A round of applause went up for the new name. It seemed that everyone was either delighted or accepted the name in stride. Within minutes, nay, seconds, there were reports of good and bad reactions on BeShare and news sites. Those boys are FAST! Were I “cutting edge” instead of “retro,” I might have brought the new name news to ZetaNews.com the very hour it was announced.

Michael distributed the shirts to the crowd. "...And thus began the great shirt toss," said I. I noticed that I was the only "small" in the whole set...

About the name, Michael told us that "Haiku" was indeed found to be at least the second or third choice for almost all of those who voted on the new name (and, yes, yours truly had it as his second or third - I really wanted "Firefly"). The new logo was designed by Stubear of the project's Creative Design Team. And a mighty fine design it is indeed. Then Michael made his next grand action: he went away and changed from his old beat up and faded (yellowed, eeew) BeOS shirt into his brand new Haiku shirt to sort of christen the event (no bashing of champagne bottles today). It was done. The people of the future will forever remember this moment (or, at least the people of the Haiku community who happened to be there, and you, since you're reading this tale).

And then came the unveiling of the new web site. Or, rather, the annoying not-unveiling of the new web site. www.haiku-os.org was unavailable. It appeared there were problems with the server, of all possible days to happen (Michael lamented that he'd been using it for weeks and it had to die NOW!). Haiku Inc. is the non-profit organization name and www.haiku-os.org is the domain. Why not www.haiku.org? Domain squatter. They attempted to contact the squatter without luck. Go for it, community.

Next:
Simon Gauvin's presentation on beunited.org.

Simon came up to the front of the room to do his presentation. "How many people here are from beunited.org?" He asked for a show of hands. He registered a surprised face at me; I didn't meet his expectation (that old, long haired picture again). He presented a list of concepts.

What Haiku is not: Documentation Project, Application Project, Distribution.
What beunited.org is: Standards/documentation. Application development. Distribution. More info about standards, etc. (you can read the beunited.org web site for the details - come on, you know you want to visit the site and learn about it).

Haiku is the frontrunner of all OSBOS projects. Why? It comes the closest to meeting the requirements. It is as compatible with BeOS R5 as one can get. It is open source. It's final goal is binary compatibility with BeOS R5.

Public relations is needed to keep community together and to make an identity in the public for this new OS. We want to fix the chicken and egg problem. Beunited.org's Developer Portal is being worked on, but it will not be released until its ready. It plans to be the "SourceForge for our community." A collection of knowledge. A centralized, unified developer community. Currently, developers have to hunt around all over the net, through forums, archives and BeShare to locate documentation. Or even references to incomplete documentation. The BU Developer Portal seeks to rectify that. To allow new developers to move into development much more rapidly due to a centralized unification of knowledge.

BU Partnership Announcement: beunited.org is partnering with Haiku. Haiku is the exclusive reference platform for standards, development, documentation, and distribution for beunited.org. beunited.org will be making its own distribution, hopefully to be the “defacto standard” distribution, of Haiku. This does not in any way downplay the other OSBOS projects. As mentioned above, the simple fact is that Haiku is the forerunner of OSBOS standards compliance. Where do those standards come from? BeOS R5 and YOU.

Next big news: Java progress! Presented by Bryan Varner.

BeOS AWT (abstract windowing toolkit - wrapper to the OS platforms GUI) is demonstrated. The Java development team gave a presentation on the state of the Java port to BeOS. Many curious things. "Java requires Java to build Java!" exclaimed Bryan Varner about the chicken and egg problem affecting the Java dev project. The most common question that seemed to be asked about the Java for BeOS project was "When can I play my Yahoo games??" This became the joke of the presentation (and all presentations, eventually).

Talking about what works. The AWT initializes. Fully functioning Graphics Environment, Config and device, Btoolkit. Demos of what works with BeOS Java. Demo of javac (compiler). Bryan typed "javac -version" into the command line and pressed enter. A few seconds passed. There were chuckles from the audience as someone said "Yep, it's Java" (the slowness of it). Bryan laughed and defended the tool "But it's still full of debug info!" He compiled and executed a "hello world" program (which said "Hello WalterCon!"). Cheers and applause!

Design goals for AWT:
Use BeOS kits, leverage BeOS graphics and fonts, full workspace support. In general, the BeOS to AWT should be as seamless a user experience as possible. The users should never know that an application is Java.

Bryan showed us bwindows created with Java. (I spare my audience all the technical stuff, that’s not my focus and I couldn't write notes fast enough to get it all down anyway - suffice it to say that Java was used to create bwindows and there was much appreciation from the audience - check out the screen shots on other news sites and rejoice!).

Where to go yet? Need to fully flesh out the AWT, there are heavily stubbed Java2D related classes. Optimizations, bottleneck elimination, etc. BeOS specific classes similar to what MacOSX has would be nice (even though that makes code which uses such things less portable, but, hey, that's the ultimate situation of Java). "How long has the development taken for java?" someone asked. "I'd rather not think about it," said Bryan.

The source code is Sun's. Once complete, Sun will test it for compatibility, compliance, etc. We need to get approval to distribute the implementation of the Java distribution. It will be just a distribution, not source code.

Next: Kit status, Haiku kits "stati"

A few minor classes of app kit not created. Rest are in progress and quite some way along. Game kit code complete. Device kit needs joystick and serial. Kernel kit coming along. Axel checks in lots of stuff (more jokes about the amazing speed of the man). Long way to go. Booting to hard drive was accomplished (don't run out and try to start your own system with it yet, though).

Back to Haiku/BeOS not being a server. It isn't meant to be one. Don't build it like one. Don't treat it like one. Linux is a server and it acts, looks and feels like a server. It was intended to be a server OS. Yet, all kinds of time, effort and money is expended trying to make it an end user desktop OS. Here's where one of Michael's more popular one liners showed up. About Linux being made into a desktop OS: "You can put a pig in a dress but it's still a server."

"We're not a server. Our biggest issue is responsiveness. Is swapping and paging really important to us? What's the simplest design we can have with the most responsiveness? No swapping. No VM. Use the memory!" This might shock some old hands to computer OS engineering. Or maybe remind those folks of the old days before such things (i.e.: Amiga). There would be an optional VM to be enabled for certain needs, but otherwise, Haiku should only use memory. Swapping and paging takes time. Memory is cheep. All this was unshocking to me, as I tend to have my own shocking ideas that line right up with this one. I'm all for it. I'm excited about such things. This feels like forward motion, not more back stepping workarounds of the past.

At this point I wanted to ask Michael about what the plan is for audio and graphics documents larger than the memory size, but I didn't have a chance. Maybe he will read this story and write us his thoughts. I assume this is where the optional VM will come in.

UPDATE:
Sorry, folks (and sorry Michael). My enthusiasm for this idea lead me to misunderstand what Michael was saying. Michael let me know that the new VM idea was in no way promised. It is an idea. In fact, some developers are against the idea. It all depends on how internal conversations go. "The point is more the focus than the implementation." So spread the word... Jace put too heavy an emphasis on that one.

The Mail kit is done! Praise MDR!

One portion of the MIDI kit is left: the softsynth. The current softsynth is dog slow. It might be an option to contact those who created the original BeOS softsynth. Can an arrangement be made?

Networking kit: mostly works.

OpenGL: most frequently asked question: "When is hardware acceleration coming?" It's not. Hardware OpenGL requires ATI, et al to open up their sources to provide access to develop this stuff (card info). Trying to talk to ATI: trying to tell them "We're different. We're willing to do closed source under NDA and maintain APIs consistently." Don't expect this to help, but who knows. Good thing is, MESA works. Yeah, so what. Who cares about software OpenGL, right? It's got to be good for something... Someone suggested "Spinning teapots!"

Storage kit: Tyler Dauwalder: VFS stuff basically done. Big thing left is disk device manager.

Support kit: lots done, lots started and waiting. Not a difficult kit (not astrophysics; a good project for someone intimidated by app server but good at C++).

Translation kit: Done!

Input server: Mostly done. Needs work to be done for input method stuff (non-roman character sets and input methods). Need to do some reverse engineering of other stuff. Be documentation on this stuff is pretty non-existent ("Please contact developer support" ... yeah, thanks, Be).

Drivers: are now pretty close to where Be was or better. Video support is good. Network driver support good.

Tracker: open and working as we all know.

Screensaver kit: Does its thing, but needs some finishing. Michael is the team for that one.

Applications/preferences: StyledEdit, a few others, etc. Public knowledge... check BeBits or Haiku's site.

Media kit: Lots of good code high quality stuff has been done. Playback works, content creation is where the real work is now.

Then came a very important part of the day: Lunch.

Myself and the other beunted.org folks returned late from the Lone Star restaurant. I missed the beginning of DarkWyrm's application design talk, which is something I can't forgive myself for! Good stuff. The man knows his application design and knows that the user is probably the most important thing in software design.

What makes a good design:
Intelligent design, follow logical order, (workflow). Don't obstruct the workflow. Feedback.

How not to write an application: hack. Lose focus on a task. Test only when required (he makes constant use of his apps so that he is also a full time user - Users are not beta testers!). Bolted on features (obviously slopped on features that have no real design necessity).

A list of recommended books:
"The Design of everyday things"
"The Humane Interface"
"The invisible computer"
"About Face 2.0"

Next: Screen saver kit discussion (a walk through parts of the code which I will spare you from, since I took no useful notes and do not fully comprehend as a developer would).

Next: Translation kit explanation. The Translation kit was originally created by Jon Vätte (the same person who created the media kit). It was bought from him by Be Inc., for 10$. He never cashed the check (framed it, I think was the explanation). Haiku's translation kit is the same kit that Watt originally created, plus all the same changes that Be had to make (Haiku had to remake). Michael described how translators do their thing. Look it up in the BeBook, I'm not going to talk about this either here. (Though I'd like to see an example of a text translator - All the open source translators seem to be bitmap type, which I cannot learn from).

UPDATE: Thanks to a comment posted by jonas.kirilla: "The maker of the Translation Kit is not John Watt, but Jon Wätte, of Swedish origin. His nick, H+ or hplus, is a play on the Swedish word for Hydrogen: Väte. (FWIW, Vätte with a plain V means gnome.) I think he worked for the Swedish branch of BULL [French Unix maker?] a long time ago, before his career in the US(?)."

Thanks, Jonas

Next: Storage kit. Tyler Dauwalder. Userland stuff is done. 75% done overall. Prediction for completion relies on kernel stuff and time for development. Disk device manager stuff is what's left mostly. Sessions/partitions. Haiku will have a partition manager system integrated into it. The basics of this are implemented (framework). Have a read-only UDF system now, then later will add a writer, attributes, queries, etc. support, too in UDF (!!)

Next: Device Kit and Input Kit:
Mostly abandoned after PPC stopped being developed. Only contains two classes: Bjoystick and BserialPort. Thin C++ wrappers around drivers. Wrap driver capabilities into easy to access methods for developers. Vast potential in here and in the input server. Accessibility, etc. Bit of a teaser on tomorrow's forward thinking sessions started here with talks about "what could be."

Next: Media kit: Andrew Bachman (who I would have expected to look like Edward Norton, had I ever spoken to him on the phone prior to meeting him): The kit handles reading of media files. Playback. Implemented some media nodes. New features: new audio drivers: AC97, Echo24 (korli), emuxki. Much better multi-channel API. Extended codec support. Future: BmediaFiles (sound preferences), MediaPlayer, subtitle API, more plug-ins, encoding and writing API and plug-ins. Don’t need to restart media server for adding and removing codecs. Kit work maybe 80% complete. Lots of grunt work to do on the codecs. Got into a discussion about licensing issues with codecs, but ultimate solution is to get the actual licenses through the usual methods. The free stuff is the only stuff that has any legal question. Demonstrated the use of subtitles from video playback (showed in terminal for now, but impressive anyway - applause!).

We then did some introductions on video. I think that video might show up on a site or on BeShare... Have to find out for sure... Not super interesting, but I thought they might be useful towards getting to know each other. Then we struggled to pick a place to eat dinner. The "Olive Garden" was chosen but the wait there was 1.5 hours. We settled on a Chinese buffet. Not bad... but not so great, either.

At least the company was good! (and, actually, the iced tea was excellent) Sadly, the table was rammed up against the far wall, so I couldn't get a photo from that angle and I was too hungry to put out the effort to do anything about that.

Day Two:

Day two was a lot of open discussion. What worked and what didn't with this, the first ever, WalterCon? The network connections didn't work too well. DHCP seemed not to work very well for those of us using alternate operating systems. Oh yeah. Duh. Seriously, there were other systems there. I counted at least two installations of Windows XP and at least one Mac laptop (which kind, I have no idea, attractive though it was). Mostly, though, it seemed that everyone was quite satisfied with this event. I believe it was Deej who said (and please excuse me if I misquote) that the event was far more than he expected as he had gone into it expecting little. That's not to characterize Deej as expecting things to suck. He didn't say that. (in other words, folks, don't be reactionary and don't read into things, thank you). Plus, the Holiday Inn was quite nice. The rooms were dark enough to sleep half of the day away (Deej can attest to this) and they were comfortable and clean. The staff was friendly and helpful. I would gladly be a return customer.

Satisfied that everyone was satisfied... We moved on to the brainstorming session. During the brainstorming session, a lot of interesting topics came up. Such as the future architecture of Haiku's kits (including the possibility, or even likelihood, of new kits). While there were moments of "huh?" between attendees, and some general disagreements, the overall atmosphere was courteous (yeah, aside from all the "whatever happens in Columbus, stays in Columbus" risqué humor and puns at the expense of at least everyone at some point). Quite civil, and respectful, all jokes aside (don't get me started on the steel cage). The trouble makers weren't really trouble makers (they just talked amongst themselves out of turn, the clever lads). I don't think I was a trouble maker, though I'm sure I belabored the point several times on some issues. No one seemed elitist or ignorant (and I'm one of two or three non-programmers who attended, so I'm surely in the clueless realm, if not ignorant, about the deep technical issues). I was impressed, overall with the result of the session. It showed that not everyone was thinking along the same paths and that they maybe ought to. It also confirmed that many people were thinking along the same lines already (which is good).

I wasn't going to go into all kinds of detail about the brainstorming session because I figured there would be more than enough WalterCon stories on other web sites that do a fine job of that. Looking around, however, maybe I should go into a little detail. The gist of the session was to consider technologies, customers, applications and differentiators (differentiators that Haiku possesses over the competition and how to indicate them in a non-geek manner so as to be understood by normal people) and how they all might somehow relate and interact (or how to make them relate and interact in our favor on the path towards a more usable and visible OS). There was discussion about vertical markets (specialized markets such as the dental business) and how such a market could allow focused growth and provide income and options that would allow widening the market much easier later on (assuming the foot hold in the vertical market works). We made several jokes and references to Haiku being the Dentistry OS, but I think that most everyone was appreciative of the concept that it might help to find a niche market, identify its needs and really focus on serving that niche better than anyone else does. To be a total solution. Yes, Be Incorporated claimed to be doing just that with media, but maybe "media" is too broad a scope... and was more marketing than truth (not to open old wounds). No decisions were made outright. The closest we had to an argument was also probably the closest thing we had to a decision. Being on track and trying to focus on a forward moving process is that decision. If you want to call it that.

Conclusion (of sorts):

It does seem that the Haiku project is not a bunch of hackers fooling around at their whims as some other open source projects tend to appear (to us ignorant morons on the outside). Haiku seems, to me, to be focused on doing the right things to get us to that first vital stage of Release 1. And we can all thank Axel when we get there. Seriously, there are a lot of smart, skilled and vital people involved. Not just Axel. It's just become inexcusable to not drop the "Axel is a coding demon" joke here and there. I always like hyping up the fact that Andrew Bachmann works for NASA. NASA, for crying out loud. There's more where that comes from. Like the people writing programming languages and those bringing existing popular programming languages to our platform (the team making Java happen are worthy of worship, I say, even if I personally couldn't care less about Java itself). Yes, there are brilliant people all over the place out there in the open source community and Haiku has a bunch of them working to bring us the OS we want to use. I, for one, greatly appreciate their hard work.

If you look at the pictures of me in some of the WalterCon shots, I look depressed and sad. It's because I was dreading the end of the wild ride that was WalterCon. Well, not really. I was really just waiting and wondering if the "break time" would end so that we could get back to the brainstorming or other constructive activities before I had to leave to catch my plane. Though, I was indeed disappointed to have had to leave early and even more dismayed to have missed Elvis at the hotel. Sigh. Can't have it all. Overall, I am very glad to have attended, I don't feel bad about the money I spent to go (hey, I got a nifty t-shirt!) and I recommend the event to anyone who can afford to attend. Not that it's expensive to attend; it's just that it can be costly to travel. I'm sure each yearly WalterCon will be different (and there will be a yearly WalterCon, oh yes, yes...), but I think the whole experience is a great one and is exactly what is needed to help make the community grow closer to each other. And for those of us who don't travel much, like me, it's good to get out there...

I am happy to report that my Newton survived the trip home. After the x-ray wiped out my Palm Pilot, I was terribly anxious that I would also lose my Newton on my second trip through "homeland security." Now I have to figure out what to do with the dead Palm... (update: the Palm is fine. Somehow the batteries were killed and that's all. What a relief! Still lost my data, though...)

I hope this article has been at least amusing to you if not useful.

Now, stop reading this boring article and start contributing to the projects that are out there trying to build the OS you want to use!

But first a few pictures...



More pictures to be found here, thanks to Bryan Varner.

buy her book, she's neat

Katie West: low self-esteem

and, as avolare on flickr,
where i "met" her

(yeah, i'd like a signed copy myself)

do you like stories?

this might not be your thing but this, as cheesy as it might be to some of you, made me feel.
i mean really FEEL.

http://www.starblazers.com/comicshome.php#

me being a sucker for redemption tales, and all...

NOTE: the web page is in REVERSE chronological order. Start with episode ONE at the bottom and work your way up!!

The series has a LONG LONG back story, but this is well written enough to fill you in on needed plot elements. Just take your time.

i share what moves me emotionally, hoping people will learn from it to know me. i hope some of it reaches it's intended goal.


...tears....

precious people

tOkKa.
an artist.
pay him your attention.

seeking the kind (can't live without 'em - ii)

when they are selfish, irresponsible and immature, they are but heartless deadly monsters with hollow words,

tearing at my flesh, my heart, as reavers, ripping me into strips of meat to be devoured...

vegetarian girl or carnivorous woman, there is no distinction; they are but beautiful and murderous predators.

somehow, there are others... different;

responsible, mature, wise, empathetic, self controlled creatures of thought and heart,

who follow through, in action, with the words which they proclaim... more than mere advertisement.

they save a part of me,

with each and every kindness given.

and i love these beautiful creatures of kindness.

it is a shame that the kind ones are so few,

and their acts of kindness are so outnumbered

by the reavers' spears, hooks, blades and arrows of selfish cruelty.

worse, still, some of the formerly kind

are made into the new selfish breed,

by suffering rape and pillaging,

giving in to the reaver within...

but, without those few loving beauties,

the true, the real, the thoughtful and the honest,

i would be dead by the hands of the beautiful...

the beautiful lying beasts.

it is for the love and the kindness i go on...

it is because of the lovers and the kind ones,

that i continue to exist.

vd, feelings and secrets

PostSecret has been quite a moving entity since day one. if you're not familiar with postsecret.com, go enjoy it now...
http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

oh...,
watch the video.

it made my eyes runny.

p.s.: love shouldn't have to be a secret, and you shouldn't have to hurt him to protect yourself from exposure of your heart.

heros amongst us

by way of one hero's story about one of his heros... (click here)

please save someone i care about

http://spiritedaway420.blogspot.com/

for little tigger and Dave [EDITED]

[Apparently, Dave and John (aka "Stunned") never noticed this... especially when John "read the entire blog"]

i remember playing...

hand full of Legos, pulled from bins
hands full of potential...
... for fun creations

one long term friend [Dave]
to play Legos with me
(thanks, Dave, [insert hug])

Transformers, Lazer Tag,
climbing the rocks at "big rock park"
roaming the woods, reading comic books...
Doctor Who, Star Wars, and other descendent's of D&D...

i had more toys, back then...
more than it seems today;
today's toys are computer-driven,
maddening things with fantastic potential unrealized.

i had more fun, back then.
childishness was acceptable;
having fun only needed imagination and a toy or three.

before money...
before expectations of earning a living...
i was 15 years old, for fuck's sake.
my childhood was not yet done and

i never had enough, to begin with.

but i do remember playing...
little tigger reminds me that i remember...

reading books... science fiction... fun stuff...
expanding my knowledge and, better, my imagination...

my escapes from reality...
away from brutal truths;
life is not so hopeful...
not so rich with potential...

not as books would suggest.

naive, i am.
naive i was.
naive i will always be.

i remember playing.

riding bicycles,
the feeling of motion
wind and speed,
up the hill and down again...

running round the woods,
with homemade science fiction gadgets
guns, communicators, suspension of disbelief devices...

i remember being able to be someone else, for a while
with a friend who was willing to share that fiction...

sometimes we'd fight over details...

"i got you first"
"i have armor"
"you can't use my cybergun against me! You never used one before! You don't know how it works!!"

but those were just negotiated details
and they didn't matter so much
even when it seemed that all play had to stop.

i remember playing...
before it was eclipsed by money,
school social circles,
girls and sexuality.

little tigger can still play
Dave once said he'd still play,
if i were willing.

Doctor Who is back.
REAL
ACTUAL
Doctor Who!!

Dave and i bonded over Doctor Who
and he still remembers!
he still feels that at heart and it makes me smile.

little tigger, a new internet friend,
reminding me of what i was like...
...before i used up all i had,
trying to be Mr. Bob Normal.

trying to satisfy the impossible.

Dave, the friend who is living in mr. normal's world
who still considers me his friend and still reaches out
and who i still feel i want in my life,
because he listened.

he admitted to what he does not understand.

more than my other "friends" could ever do.
they had too much ego to admit what they don't understand
and had to lay blame at MY feet.

not Dave.
Dave listened when i asked "please."
"please Dave, the sarcasm is too much for me any more"

Dave listened.

the others did not.
downplaying.
marginalizing.
insulting.

Dave listened and tried.

i remember playing.

little tigger reminds me it should be okay at any age,
and Dave is the playmate i remember most fondly,
even when we had our troubles...

... it was something we grew from.

i am honored that little tigger shares with me.
i am honored to know that Dave still considers me his friend.
it warms my heart that he remembers us as we were.

the one hope that i had been unwilling to permanently let go of...
one of my childhood friends being strong enough to become adult without losing it all, remembering childhood, unwilling to let go the good of it.

thank you Dave, for reaching out and trying to share you life with me
and thank you little tigger, for reminding me that these things matter,

that i am not the only one who wants the simple life
the life "the normals" want to take away from us.

windowsill

unlike the rain,
these tears fall silent
as the snow
beyond your window

as you never look close,
never will you know...
defenseless and open
i appeal to thee.

all facts and all figures
to know me, have been here
but you only wanted the happy parts;
(the rest is, to you, unappealing)

too much time
to accept what i am...
...two minds alone,
one within me.

you block out the unknowns,
make unknowables undesired;
complex and estranged, i am alien...
i am foreign...

(xenomorphology...
...meaningless to you)

i am not what you think...
you expect the unreal
the romance, the drama,
effortless, perpetual bliss.

but,
responsibility... no,
not for you
no, not this lifetime.

but, you only get one
and you miss,
i am this:

knowable
truthful
simple.

yet, complex you see me...
i've been shaped to conform;
expectation, socialization,
application of sin.

though, if quiet, walk softly,
listen you, and see...
in this little cage, on your porch
you may find me.

metal to cement,
blankets obscuring,
cold wind and snow
blowing through...

have a heart trap, set
with bait to attract me.
it sits, you must wait...
...with some patience.

awakened at night
in dark and with torch,
checking the trap
before cold becomes death...

and i am... and i see you,
through double glass doors
and i see that you see me, too...
(what should i do...?)

a hunter, monster, a fighter... i am not, as
timidly i appeal to your graces,
i caress you, i lick the gloved finger extended
in between bars you ventured, to test me...

Look!
i am friendly,
don't hurt me...
...i'm hungry...

by these simple things
you should have known me.

yet still i gave all,
dedication ever after,
patience beyond all i've known
my gentle touch and my love- but,

you felt nothing.
in the end,
when you were done,
you felt... nothing.

now here, with sleeping feline,
and otherwise alone,
i find myself thinking of you
(as always, i will)

at the glass,
watching tears
falling from the sky
without sound.

news about Ana

go read here
my original post is here

"Jace -
if she stays safe - and she's a smart kid, and people look out for her - then I think at some point, when she makes up her mind to get off the street, she'll be okay.
cheers,
- Joe Fiorito" - author of the article i linked above

silence on one front and quick solutions on the other

in reference to the previous post...
.........no response.........

silence.

i expected as much. it's sad and depressing, but i can't do anything about it.

i give up on her.

it feels like giving up on a great potential, but that was her choice to make and now i'm making it on my side as well. (i hold my torches forfuckingever, don't i?)

sometimes we agonize over things to the point where we do NOTHING. this is what lead me to rekindle connections with the aforementioned person. i wanted to stop agonizing over her. i guess she agonized over things too much and decided to do the ultimate nothing.

disconnect and ignore.

again, nothing i can do. her choice.

life plods on with the usual feeling of living in purgatory, riding the edge of hell.

...so i've been agonizing over someone else...

since the death of my Nana, i've been embarrassingly stuck on the memory of a nurse practitioner at hospital.

Beautiful.

She took great care of my Nana as best she could. it's a job and there are thousands of people constantly coming and going, but she did well without being patronizing or making me feel insincerity. that's doing a good job.

for three weeks(??) i've been agonizing over what to do about this feeling. it's embarrassing because it feels inappropriate considering the context of the circumstances. but there it was. i can't choose my attractions nor can i choose the time and place. i feel inappropriate, but... what can i do?

side step to this morning:
after dealing with yet another infuriating technical problem with the studio computer (caution: Windows Update may make your system unbootable), i felt death in my whole being. the death of willpower. the death of desire. the death of tolerance. the death of heart and soul at the stupid and repetitious defeats handed to me on seemingly a weekly (and sometimes daily) basis.

i wanted to run around screaming, but i'm so far beyond that level. i am totally saturated with frustration and utter impotent defeated silent and sad misery. sometimes defeat can feel placid.

part time love is great when it's here, but she and i both know i need more. she's told me to pursue it.

so, wanting to pursue it, i agonized over how.
how to deal with this attraction. two people gave me advise. one was direct, the other was more like my own agonizing over how, when and where. funny, that. she's the one i most relate with and who knows me the best.

so i agonized more because i didn't feel like i had a clear and solid option. this morning, i realized that the stupid technical issues i dealt with about an hour ago made me feel so worn out, so drained, so utterly miserably defeated that i had no possible mental fortitude to actually do what i should have done: contact this nurse, Samantha, and ask a simple question. like the other friend advised (dear, you are so right and you and i know each other very well despite not ever having met).

but then, i realized: what the FUCK.
i've been agonizing over this.
i'm worn out and beaten by everything in life.
WHAT IS THERE TO FEAR OR TO LOSE?

i heated up breakfast, which i've not yet eaten, grabbed the phone, looked up the hospital, asked for Samantha and just was straight forward.

i noticed you, you're very beautiful.
i was there at the hospital when my nana died (mention name)
i was the guy with the funky japanese anime character hair
do you have a boyfriend?

yes.
oh, ok.
sorry to invade...
thanks for being appreciative of the compliment,
have a nice day, etc.

THAT EASY.

this is a lesson i learned some time ago. stop agonizing over something and just do it. for fuck's sake, DO IT and stop agonizing!! It IS that SIMPLE. why did i forget until just now? because of the reason i learned the lesson to begin with: being driven down to utter defeat and realizing i have nothing to lose!!!

people have wasted my life. jana took seven years, for fuck's sake. elise took 6 months. insert a month for judy, a month for dana, etc... people have taken so much from me that i have nothing to lose. if i don't act, i lose time. i also will never know whether there was potential or opportunity.

i'd rather know.

but i had to be driven down again, to that pit of uselessness and defeat.
to be reminded that, on this level, i have nothing to lose and information to gain.

quick solution.

i still am left with nothing, but i no longer have to agonize over "Samantha the nurse."


if somehow you read this Samantha, i meant what i said. You're strikingly beautiful, i appreciated your care of my family at hospital and i simply felt an attraction. if you're ever single again, look me up, hey? i'm a nice, kind person. i could give you a relationship resume with reference if you like.


eh. fat chance.
and with nothing to lose, i have nothing to offer.

except what i am. i can offer what i have that is me.
love, admiration, tenderness, care, emotional support, cuddles, hugs, sex and whatever other good, pleasant and loving things there are to list here.

but i know how the world works.
i'm on disability.
the world does not see me as "educated" despite being able to run circles around "them that are."

jesus, this blog entry is soooooo done. i should just




stop.






image from http://www.gribblenation.com/ohpics/vintage/

panic, because i care

i have a friend who is being abused. abused in a similar way to how i was abused by jefferson. subtle, mental harassment and torment. judgments, distortions, twisting of reality.

i told my friend: get out of there asap.

the description of the whole thing brought someone else to mind. someone who has been in my heart for some time. someone i had a very high opinion of...

... until she abruptly pulled the plug and deleted me from her world, citing MY judgment of her as the reason for breaking it off.

as usual, it was her assumption of my judgment. her abrupt solution to a discomfort: project the emotion to a target and cut it off. (and no, sairuh, this is not about you, though you did do the same)

why do these two people connect in my mind?

feelings...
respect.
attraction,
identification,
care...
love?

fear and worry are paramount, at the moment.

i am feeling panic.
first, for my abused friend.
second, because i decided to break the silence with the other;
i responded to her disconnection.

i asked questions.
because i wonder...
what abuse does she allow herself to suffer?

people don't think i care or feel for them, but that's the central motivating factor of my behavior with them. the selfish bit is that i like these people and want them in my world.

i have enough fear, uncertainty and doubt about myself and my motivations. but, damnit, when it comes right down to it

i never pushed anyone do to anything.
i never subtly intimidated
or harassed or
pushed and pulled.

i have always been, and always will be, open and direct.

and so i panic.
on the whole, society doesn't like honesty.
people don't like truth.
they do not like questions

they especially dislike being seen through.

what shitstorm will i suffer for these latest acts of
honesty,
out in the open,
blunt and direct?

time will tell.

a love story

For those who are empathetic and thrive on the bittersweet truths of the lives of others, please see someone who has moved me to aching heart and moist eyes:

Bruce Hastings, aka, Josh Slavin, is a brilliant and troubled artist with one of the most compelling and honest flickr photostreams i've ever seen. Start at the beginning (page 43, currently). Go through it all. Images, words and comments.

If you are an art buyer or gallery manager, go through this photostream with care. The art will triple itself in value to those who see into it and get to know this man.

Josh is also online here (with his own self description), here, and here.

wishing for angels

this is Ana Crisan. known as Spirited_Away, at flickr, which is how i "met" her. she is one of the first people to communicate with me when i joined flickr. she was one of the first kind people to share with me her experiences when i was bleeding my own onto my photo pages. she gave her words to help me persist.

she is dear to me for that kindness...

...and because she knows the kinds of truths about humanity that few ever see, let alone seek. she is dear because she lives on through experiences i would not survive. she is dear because she shows us, those who look at her photos, what the world is when you stop, remove your blinders and see it unfiltered.

beauty, humanity, survival, fear, death, disease, loss, the little things, the lost people, the size of the world from the position of being pushed down into the cracks... and even then... the beauty that is there, in those cracks, between the stones, the broken cement, in the mud, in the dirt, under the refuse, at the water's edge... in death and vibrant life.

my empathy drives me to help... when i had my original account at flickr, i left her this testimonial:

"a human soul i wish i could shelter, she demonstrates an eye for the lonely and abandoned, the sadness of humanity and the physical beauty she has at her command, in contrast to the darkness within. an inspiration and a reminder that some things are too precious for the suffering given to them."

that was the best i was able to offer. if you can do nothing more, visit her photostream and blogsite. be witness to her living documentary of humanity in its highs and its lows. be witness to her existence and see through her camera's eye.

if you can do more, please, do (offer gallery space, purchase photos, etc).

please note that she is very protective of her personal space and privacy. do not force. do not judge. do not coerce. i post this looking to ensure her existence goes noticed for the work she does as a humanitarian, animal lover and photographer. to ensure she goes noticed as a person.

any harassment will be dealt swift and brutal blows by myself personally and by others who try to watch out for her. so be kind.

i know nothing about what she wants, and this is me wishing for her to be protected from harm. i can do nothing more than this. people can save each other, but it takes more than one or three people making wishes and i am fully aware that i cannot even save myself.

now go see.

(Photo by Spirited_Away)