trash

i get it now
it's merely a matter of convenience
how foolish of me

it's easier to be an asshole
to be selfish
cruel
lie

become "unavailable"

it's easier to be people like Brielle and Elise
dana, john, jana, jenni, megan, toshi, jefferson
picus, jenni's sister, mike the chef, mike the heather manipulator

.and.
.so.
.many.
.more.

choose your reality
erase people you think have offended you

but first the setup!
pull them in, or make it appear you're simply letting them in, even more clever...

bring them into the fold
showcase them
talk them up

make them feel special

"i don't see how anyone could ever think you're scum"
"those girls didn't deserve you"
"you're better than them"
"they're just selfish"

over and over and over
the same insincere trash talk.
the same LIES.

take advantage of them
fuck, be fucked
have your yank, get free orgasms
receive your so badly needed validation

have your "friendship"
sex friends
people you're "seeing"
"best friends" you betray

then tear them apart
or ignore them, or tell them off
change parameters without notice,
whatever. just something sudden and cruel.

"terms subject to change without notice.
we are under no obligation to inform you of changes
prior to their execution."

tell your friends they're trash
the friends you were trashing
now you need them again
because you've exchanged hates

found the lesser exposure
realized who sees you least
where you're more hidden
invisible but accepted as a member

the elite club of cool outsiders
insiders, who cares what caste you want
you just want one that takes you in as member
where you can throw out people you don't like

I GET IT NOW.

i can be just like you.
erase you, ignore you.
tell everyone you're trash.

i'm doing it now. wheee!

so fuck you all.
you're all trash.

makeup, clever vocabulary without logical coherence
hiding rotting sores
rotting souls
rot

zombies, trash,
monsters in costumes of worse monsters
for fun and for protection

masks to hide worse masks
portraying something better
something bitter but risky and cool
elite

rot

rot and flutter away with the leaves

waste your time surfing every internet social club
seeking an identity you can't fashion out of reality
look for people to bash in clusters of assholes, jackals
fan the flames, sham the blames and blame the truths

seek out that next perfect man, the good fuck
to bash later when he sees through your makeup

women suck
men suck
people suck
so do their friends

wives
husbands
whoever just does as told
without forming their own opinions based on truth

all of you
thinking you're just fine
better than
in control

trash
every single one

including me
because i can't be YOU.

cut off the senses

blogger is advertising the blogging of babies and i just want out of life. disgusting to see baby faces every time i log in.

"i'm relieved ..."

in reference to me not wanting to have anything to do with my father any longer.

but, he got to put me in a 304 situation. this ignorant asshole who knows nothing about the system tells me that i just had to get out of there instead of getting to the core of the problem... you don't get to the core of anything but following orders from staff and doctors about taking medication on time, as prescribed, despite your "real" doctors or what YOU know about YOU, no matter how old or young you are, and no matter how educated or ignorant you are.

i was one of the most educated people there... well... actually i was one of the least EDUCATED, yet more than two other patients told me that i gave them more clear information than any staff or doctor and that i seemed extremely intelligent.

but who does this asshole of a "father" listen to? does he listen to his son, who has explained the system to him several times? no. he listened to: "the professionals."

i hate my father.

he thinks it's great to have me out of the family.

so what THE FUCK is the reason why i was 304ed after NOT killing myself and solving my own problem? i could have been out of his list of self imposed problems (money, anxiety) for years if he'd just accept my RIGHT to DIE.

but then, it's not LEGAL to die by your own hand in this society is it?

someone call crisis on my father. he needs a ride through the system so he can "get to the bottom of the problem."

610-791-3188
610-703-9887

i could destroy his career like jefferson destroyed mine. but i have impulse control. i think about things. and i think THIS would be far more educational and constructive.

you want to know the story of my life in relation to my father?

PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH

i was an autistic child.

his way of teaching bicycle is to tell you to do it and then get mad and walk away when you get frustrated with him and the bicycle. me. my sister. same with math. "You don't speak English? That's ok, I'LL TALK LOUDER AT YOU AND POINT AT THINGS VIOLENTLY! PROBLEM SOLVED!!"

MONEY. That's all that matters to him. That's all that matters to his parents. That's all that matters to the whole fucking family. Work, get married, have children, work to raise your children, get to an old age spoiling as many grand/great grand children as you can before you just... die.

MONEY.

"i'm relieved you want nothing to do with me'" i paraphrase.

"i'm done with you." he said.

My "father" lives in a large, beautiful colonial house with enclosed back porch. You'd think he was someone... "important" ... he might say... IF he had any perspective. He has beautiful land that he thinks he must maintain to some sort of suburban standard. Ridiculous. Does he enjoy it?

i asked that question of the two of them repeatedly and they didn't even comprehend the question without me explaining it.

They want to sell it and buy a condo.

makes me want to fucking puke.

i hate my life, but that was my home and they want to trade it in for a fucking condo?

a $400,000 (more??) home and they want to trade it in for a motherfucking condo??

un.real

i've been told to write a book. If i live long enough, and some editor can remove enough material and still have the publisher go ahead, maybe then... someone might fucking get it.

But probably not because people don't really read much. THEY SEE BIG WORDS AND LOOK AT SHOCKING PICTURES AND WATCH FOX NEWS AND TALK ABOUT KILLING TOWELHEADS. They don't think or read.

i hate being here.

do you mean it?

people have a lot of trouble- nowait- problems with that concept.

you're allowed to change your mind about wanting fries with that, but not about throwing away $300 worth of plane tickets because "i changed my mind" and the equivocal "i didn't mean it, or i don't mean it any more." More precisely, "i never said anything that wasn't emotionally valid at the time." [corrected]

oh, great murder defense, there Elise Brown.

"Elise Brown for [government office]! You think that dude with the frankenstein monster head was a waffler... WHOAH BOY!!"

you get to change your mind about what today's wardrobe is going to be, not about how much you care about someone after telling them all kinds of promises. you don't get to ignore them, then make them tiny because you fucked something up on your end and can't own up to it.

do i mean what i say? most of the time, yeah. i'm compulsively-honest. if not, i have to play a role. i can't play roles with people i know for very long. do i mean it when i talk about being dead? do people mean it when they wish George W were dead? somehow it's illegal to actually voice either, but you know people mean it, even if they don't say it. just like i've learned to find out what people are saying when they're not talking, or what they're saying underneath their false talk. underneath their lies and their body language.

i see so much you will never even consider.

when you lie, cheat, steal, backstab, redirect, revise, "forget" and all those other things you so-called "normal" people do all day, every day, all week, every week of the month, all the months of the year.

you're liars. in one way or another, you're liars. when i lie, i tell about it and apologize. when YOU lie, you cover it up.

COWARD.

i mean it.

dicks and pussies. that's all that matters in this world. "i saw yer dick on duh innernet."

and don't forget jenni's gianormously hugestroisities call BOOBIES.

titties.

them too.

this is the only part of this blog entry you understand isn't it?

for jefferson

everything i touched, you broke

i admitted my admiration for you
and you broke it by taking advantage

i admitted my AS to you
and you used it as a weapon against me

i trusted you to be a friend, as you claimed to be
and you broke it into a billion little fragments of hate

i can't even email to the university
because you've poisoned me so
that my words became uncontrolled

OR your infestation of IT worked
and they did as you PRESCRIBED

everything i touched, you broke

my clients
my work
me relationships
my career

everything i touched, you broke

you're so
insecure
so afraid
so small
ignorant

controlling,
or trying to be
and failing

control

over your life
your employees
your supervisors
"human resources"
(sociopaths of a kind
you could only DREAM of being)

your wife
whom you live off of

crushing her will
to speak in public
to do anything which
you disapprove

i hope she sees you;
rotten to the core

i hope she leaves you
to drink at the television
to a downward and
deathly spiral, just
just as you deserve

the world didn't do this to you
you did this to the world
and it reciprocated.
...and you blame it for that.
fool.

your not worth the suffering
yet everything you touch, you brake.

no one learns, and i lose to your ignorance

the repeating dream:
i entrusted the care of my cats to a household of other people.
those i trusted and believed in
when i returned,
no cats. nothing said to me
i had to ask about them
they were dead.
no explanation.
ever.

combined with the dreams about "my other house"
forgotten, abandoned, animals suffering...
where is it???

BRING ME THERE!!!!

this is hell. sleep, stage 5, R.E.M.
hell. most active and restless stage of sleep.

cannot focus
art projects
no rest
unable to
let things go.

"why can't you see that every thing's broken?
why does it seem this life's turned grey?
i can't believe in anything sacred
when i don't believe that i am real."

i am alone
locked in my memories
there's nowhere left for me to hide
but i am not real..."

"... why does it seem that everything's different
and why does it seem that only you are real?
i don't believe in anything sacred
so why do i feel so damned alone-

-i need someone to break the silence
that's screaming in my head
and in my soul."

-- track 4. wither, blister, burn and peal.
-- track 9 is even better.
-- maybe this is the best album they made.
-- you figure out who it is.

i am afraid
i want to live my life, but
fearful of evil abuses
like the 302/304
done by my biological parents...

they've learned NOTHING.

NOTHING

"i'm finding it so hard to hold on"

but there's no out for me, just more

PUNISHMENT

ASHAMED to be an "American," part one

i want to be dead.
dead dead dead.
kill me kill me kill me.

is that statement going to get me more home invasions and forced medication by ignorant motherfuckers called "the law" and "people who care?" You stupid bastards....

if i had the strength (and money), i would start a legal battle against 201, 302, and 304. Fuck, i don't even know what "law" these sections come from. They are designed to remove your civil rights. How is that a just law?

Our constitution is a pile of lies because it's been amended to uselessness and laws have been created to obfuscate, block and side-step it. The pursuit of life, LIBERTY and HAPPINESS. FUCKING BULLSHIT.

that's all you get

too painful to read it, but, apparently,

not too painful for me to live it.

i'm punished for fighting and punished for trying to die,

even though my suicidal gestures have been only that,

... really.

what i do, never enough - what i've tolerated doesn't count.

my disability means nothing; i don't even have one, cunts.

i've nothing left to give because i've given it all,

yet i'm told to "give", "be", "do", "shut up"

"write a book", "he's manipulative"

faith, self love, trust in jesus

pray, masturbate, wish upon a falling star

humanity, just beasts

the world, nothing & nowhere

fuck, shit, piss.

pointless entry

pointless blog

in the end,

i get nothing,

so i'll give nothing.

i'm much worse, now, thanks

now i have three more betrayals to keep my mind at disease.
dis ease and disease. same word. different pronunciation. same meaning, in my book.

so how do i sleep and be at peace now?
i want to screw you all. and i don't mean fucking.
i feel raped, pillaged and disposed of as convenient.

thinking hurts more than before
when i can think straight at all
you learned nothing, all this time.

the friends, nothing
the parents, nothing

i'm much much worse, now, thanks so much
for adding to the mental disease i cannot wash out.

Punish the Suicidal Instead of Helping Them

UPDATED HERE: NowPublic.com (re-dated for the day i was released from hospitalization prison)

Instead of asking ourselves how we contributed to the choice of self termination (or how we complacently did nothing - how we maybe could have helped prevent it, as a society, in general), let's call them sick and selfish! Let us, in our arrogance and antipathy, rush them along to the end! (Joe calls this the "Feeding Frenzy: people don't kick people WHEN they're down, they kick them BECAUSE they're down.")

What if you have everything that makes you who you are taken from you?What if your every waking and sleeping moment is filled with memories of rejection, harassment, abuse, or never feeling allowed to just plain be a part of society? How fucking righteous would you really be when all you can remember is cold, heartless disinterest or outright cruelty? See what choices YOU make when you have only ONE left that offers relief.

But no, we don't accept suicide as an option. No sir, not in this nation. Suicide is selfish and stupid. Just like abortion is selfish and stupid. Just like being vegetarian is stupid and pointless.

Suicide isn't painless, but maybe more people need to LISTEN TO ACTUAL SUICIDAL PEOPLE; practice EMPATHY! Discover why suicide becomes hope for relief.

fuck it; people still don't even believe in Asperger's Syndrome. Comprehending suicide as freedom is even more difficult to grasp.

disturbed (a "short summary" of what disturbs me about this world)
http://dysamoria.com/blog/2007/12/disturbed.html

"Google" search "suicide" (go to "Read This First")
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=suicide&btnG=Google+Search

Here's a PERFECT excerpt from the above "Read This First" page:

"Start by considering this statement:

“Suicide is not chosen; it happens
when pain exceeds
resources for coping with pain.”

That’s all it’s about. You are not a bad person, or crazy, or weak, or flawed, because you feel suicidal. It doesn’t even mean that you really want to die - it only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now. If I start piling weights on your shoulders, you will eventually collapse if I add enough weights... no matter how much you want to remain standing. Willpower has nothing to do with it. Of course you would cheer yourself up, if you could.

Don’t accept it if someone tells you, “that’s not enough to be suicidal about.” There are many kinds of pain that may lead to suicide. Whether or not the pain is bearable may differ from person to person. What might be bearable to someone else, may not be bearable to you. The point at which the pain becomes unbearable depends on what kinds of coping resources you have. Individuals vary greatly in their capacity to withstand pain.

When pain exceeds pain-coping resources, suicidal feelings are the result. Suicide is neither wrong nor right; it is not a defect of character; it is morally neutral. It is simply an imbalance of pain versus coping resources.

You can survive suicidal feelings if you do either of two things: (1) find a way to reduce your pain, or (2) find a way to increase your coping resources. Both are possible." - © Copyright 1995-2006 Martha Ainsworth. All rights reserved.

1. My reduction of pain, or attempts thereof, have been to seek to understand people better so as to work with them better. i tried my damned hardest to harmonize at work with a sociopath who was impossible to please.

2. My attempts at increasing my coping mechanisms have been through art and other solitary activities. These no longer work because the big issue is isolation and loneliness. So i have sought companionship (from females, in a romantic sense). Somehow, i manage to locate just the right people who say all the right things to me up front... and become someone else later. They blame ME for their changed attitude like the mason blames the stone.

UPDATE 2: from a comment on NowPublic by an editor:

jordan at 10:41 on July 10th, 2008
The Golden Gate Bridge has a suicide-prevention hotline phone on the city-side approach. Sometimes it's out of order!

repeat

NOTE: this is a repeat, i think.


days, hours
months, or
something

these are the end days
my end days, for your fun
now i will push as far as i can

there's not much left to do
nor give, 'sides my heart,
with its wretched limits, too

so, push
shove
crawl right up in my face

i owe you the blood
the pain
and tears

wasted on you

all my strain was for you
if you care
which you don't

so

suckle right up till the white
becomes red
empty me out, and be fed

these are the end days
of a battle i never embraced
it's your fantasy, to rule or destroy

and you have done to me
the worst of both worlds

so push, crawl, shove,
and with teeth, be sure to chew and injest
infest your distress upon me

these are my end days
closer than i hoped they would be
and oh so much more real, now

but i know i was better than you
oh i know i was much better than most

well...

i know i was much better than you.

make amends or i'm killing myself

(ADDED STUFF BELOW)
Kutztown University, will jefferson, sharon picus, margaret devlin, HR, the "Office of Social Equity," the Union and several other managerial and Union-related people destroyed my ability to lead a normal life:

• jefferson discriminated against me based on age (youth) and disability (autism).
  
• jefferson harassed me with passive-aggressive obstruction of my work, direct verbal abuse and defamation of my character and work ethic to my coworkers and management.
  
• jefferson threatened me not to speak with the union about conflicts with him.
  
• management (devlin and HR) refused to do their jobs when the abuse was brought to their attention.
  
• management (devlin and HR) harassed me directly by defamation of me to my coworkers, union and other management.
  
• HR harassed me by sending me away from work to be "examined by a psychiatrist," which was totally playing along with jefferson's fraudulent claim/defamation of me to HR and coworkers.
• management did nothing when it was made clear that jefferson was behaving with oppressive, harassing and aggressive behavior that coworkers sensed as disconcerting indicators of potential violence against me.
  
• the union did nothing to assist or advise me.
  
• a union representative advised me against filing a grievance because "it probably wont accomplish anything."
  
• another union representative advised me to "play along with management" because he'd been through a similar situation (he was brought up on drug use charges, i was being harassed by fraudulent claims made by jefferson to campus security).
  
• another union representative told me "management protects its own."
  
• the union did not represent or defend me when i was brought under charges of potential safety risk due to jefferson's fraud.
  
• the union made declarations of investigation that were not followed through with.
  
• the union management made declarations to investigate and did nothing but allow HR to waste the 15-day statute of limitations on filing grievances.
  
• the union management refused to respond to emails and phone calls.
  
• the university eliminated my job by declaring that i resigned when i had NOT done so, two days before xmas holiday.
  
• the university, the union and all people mentioned clearly acted in their own personal and managerial best interests and for their own convenience and never once attempted to resolve the real cause of the problems where they started from day one: will jefferson!

i am living in hell on earth:

• i cannot eat properly because of medications, stress, anxiety and a failing nervous system.
  
• i cannot get slow-wave sleep so my mental facilities are disintegrating.
  
• i have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, paranoia and am developing BPD in response to the abuse i've received.
  
• i have nightmares/hallucinations instead of sleep.
  
• i am extremely suicidal and feel that i have NO legal rights, protection, accommodation or even people to believe me.
  
• i am looked at as a leech on society by disability and welfare by way of continuously decreasing allotments for food and medical treatment.
  
• i am on medications that make me ill with side effects which require other medications, all of which have become physical addictions because of the nature of the medications. i can't get off of them without going through health-risking withdrawal.
  
• AmeriHealth Mercy refuses me access to the one medication that might help with my sleep disorder.
  
• i am isolated, my credit has been destroyed, i'm lonely, and no one has done ANYTHING to the criminals to have brought my life to this point.
  
• my family is suffering because of attempting to assist me while they are already suffering their own problems.

No pill and no platitudes will ever rectify the real cause of all of these problems:

MY HUMAN RIGHTS WERE VIOLATED AND NO ONE WHO'S RESPONSIBILITY IT IS TO DEAL WITH THAT FACT WILL DO SO. I AM IGNORED, DISCARDED, MARGINALIZED, REFUSED AND HARASSED BY HAVING A DIAGNOSED DISABILITY WHICH HAS BECOME 100 TIMES WORSE BECAUSE OF ABUSE FROM MY FORMER EMPLOYER, KUTZTOWN UNIVERSITY.

I WANT COMPENSATION OR I WANT DEATH. THERE IS NO ALTERNATIVE.


The Evidence, the Story, the Whole Truth


Christine said (on myspace):

You want compensation from whom? Perhaps you will receive it in another form, that is if you are open to it and to your future. We will all die soon enough. Now is not your time Jace. We did not determine our birth so the natural order of things is that we should not determine our death either. No person should ever have that much say in anothers death, unless of course society dictates it as a punishment for heinous crimes. Yet if no one should rightfully harm you, why should you harm yourself? Ok i know i am speaking from a mostly rational standpoint here. Yet i do believe that this is the standpoint that allows us the most freedom. As emotions, although they have their role and we cant exist without them, well they are unpredictable, one day you may feel like dying and the next you feel like living. So theyre not a reliable source for reference in taking action in our own lives and the lives of others. We must balance both reason and emotion, and by so doing come up with viable solutions that will impact our lives for the greater good for ourselves and others. I want to feel triumphant in my life. Not to win so much, but just to laugh and be happy..to always have the heart of a child and never allow bitter roots to strangle it out. If we can laugh in the midst of our experience then we know we are gonna be ok. People need support when they are sad. I hope you will continue to receive enough support from the people that do care for you, so that you are able to let go of the suicide idealations. Only you can do this Jace, you know this. It is not a positive mindset to want to do this, so it can not so much be of benefit until you turn it into a postive in your life. Perhaps you can help others at some point as you will be able to wholeheartedly relate to anyone who has desires to take their life. This can be done yet Jace, you need support though it from your friends. Hope today gives you more rest and peace.

Posted by Christine on Monday, June 16, 2008 at 7:27 AM

i replied:

the heart of a child... something i was not allowed to have... i have my Legos... i have my classic Doctor Who... but i have no one to share these things with ... so i am still isolated when trying to enjoy those things. i do photography... but it's just of me. i have no one else to do it with. music: no one to share it with. people don't even like my music. i mean, that's fine if it's not their thing, but it's just another place where i'm alone.

i feel like dying every single day. especially now. i want to be as good as possible to those i care for, but in the end, they will find that i've served my purpose and they will move on. i feel like dying every day because i'm tired of what my life IS and has always been.

who do i want amends from?

The STATE.

even elise.

But mostly KUTZTOWN UNIVERSITY AND THE STATE OR FEDERAL GOVERNMENT.

i want my LIFE back. i FOUGHT to have that life. i EARNED it and it was STOLEN FROM ME in ways that violate my human rights and laws. i DESERVE to have compensation but i have no MONEY to seek it actively.

So i'm sick and i'm tired of being sick and i'm tired of being... just this.

i have so much more that i could be if it were allowed. i was there, doing it and i was horribly VIOLATED. it is more than the loss of a job or a girlfriend. MY LIFE WAS ACTIVELY DESTROYED. jefferson is the guy who introduced my to my realtor Bob Berner (a great guy)... and then, when i was in the process of buying my house, jefferson actually talked to my best co-worker about how "jace is just a kid. he doesn't know what he's doing... if he wants to go bankrupt that's his fucking problem." The man sought to ruin what i was accomplishing out of his own HATE of me for being what i am at my age when HE WASN'T what he wanted to be at my age, or didn't get to be what he WANTED to be at my age. He has several times given me "i [this or that] when i was your age. the military straightened me out... " etc.

I WAS TARGETED AND DESTROYED BY A SOCIOPATH. I WANT COMPENSATION FOR THIS CRIME.

Posted by dysamoria on Monday, June 16, 2008 at 5:07 PM

the futility of learning about me

Christine offered:
Perhaps if they had read about you, they would have realized they were incapable of meeting your needs and saved you some pain and anguish. Yet maybe you should make a list of them, so it is clear from the get go. Yet then when to reveal the list and still yet not scare them off. Im single and clueless still on most things related to the subject... apparently.

i reply:

go to OKCupid.com and look at my profile. jcroix.

i read people like they are open books. sometimes they're closed, but i know what's inside because of how (and when) they close and how they bookmark.

i'm wide open because people can't read me. they don't know how. and i don't know how to bridge that gap. the 89% i manage to bridge between myself and the rest of the world... it costs me my life blood. my mental energy. soul. spirit. what ever you want to call it.

and i show. and i give. and i offer.

and they don't see because it takes time and it makes them uncomfortable and insecure.

(three+ years ago) elise saw my website and sent me art in response (to my declarations of how the world makes me ugly in their eyes). she sent me love (poems) as a symbol. i fell for it. she told me everything i needed to hear. she refused to follow through with it because she was insecure and was too selfish to risk opening herself to me. so she closed up, made a shell, and sought easier game. easier relations that had no consequences except to hollow her more and more. because i was "a real man" and "a catch." and she didn't want that. she can't handle that.

i continue. some people think it's strength. it's really just the inability to die.

five step program

1. people want to get to know me, at first, but they don't want to read about me.
2. within a few months, they develop feelings for me and become frustrated by what they don't understand, still refusing to read what i've written. they want me to communicate, but i'm too tired of saying the same things all over again. i've written most of it down several times.
3. there are conflicts. These could have been avoided had people learned about me.
4. they develop animosity towards me and insecurity around me. they refuse to acknowledge it, while pulling away, emotionally.
5. then they leave me with no remorse or guilt and complete justification. a few words of pseudo excuses. i cry and they feel nothing.

takeout only

i can't ignore the world's demands

but it sure as hell ignores my needs

why sociopaths are cruel / why borderliners are so needy

"why are sociopaths cruel?"

the answer may be the same as the answer to the question(s):

"why are borderliners so needy? (or, why are they often serial monogamists?)"

i propose a very simple neurological hypothesis that you educated people will dismiss out of hand:

Chemical tolerance to serotonin and oxytocin (two neurotransmitters known to deal with short term and long term feelings of love, empathy and the control of obsessive compulsive traits).

It's simple: once you've been in enough situations where your body generates huge amounts of "love chemicals," only to have the source stimuli taken away toxically, you develop an addiction to the chemicals AND an aversion to the stimuli. Love is itself an addiction or OCD behavior. The more experiences you have with the stimuli coming AND GOING, the more tolerance you develop to the chemicals and their stimuli. The stimuli needs to be more powerful each time until you no longer get a response to it at all. Persons with BPD need more thrills to get the chemical high (see my blog entry titled "The Romanticized Drama of the Endgame"). Sociopaths are simply immune to the stimulus (except for extraordinary situations, such as when will jefferson had his car accident and acted like a human being for about a week and a half before becoming even worse than he was previously).

In both cases, there is no treatment unless the subject is intellectually willing and able to accept the facts and use intellect to attempt to compensate for behavioral training. Many people with BPD are right on the edge of losing that ability. i've known several women who seemed very self aware only to find that they couldn't act on their knowledge. i would imagine the case is worse for those who are totally sociopathic. Someone with BPD WANTS a better existence. Someone who's sociopathic is pathologically incapable of seeing that their existence is flawed and that they should do anything about it (everyone else is the problem, which is the declaration of most of us who have been fucked over by sociopaths and borderliners... takes one to make one, right?).

Once again, i tell you there is a connection and a CLEAR and DOCUMENTABLE PATH from autistic-spectrum disorders to Borderline Personality Disorder to Sociopathy.

Now go look at a third party who has made some similar connections (though, not as similar as i would like, why must i be a trail blazer that is ignored as ignorant??)... not the same topic, but it will serve as my REFERENCE for those of you who seem to require references in order to believe anything i say:

Read here

(thanks, Carla and Sairuh for pointing me back to things i'd discussed and thought about before but forgot about)

That's all the documentation and citation i'm giving you. i've asked doctors to work with me on doing actual research studies to validate theories of mine while they use me as a research subject and a partner and they've refused. So fuck you if you want something more academic. Click on my labels and read my other postings about sociopathy and BPD. Then do you own fucking work... and ultimately forget where the idea came to you, just like i know it will happen when the truth finally starts to seep into the minds of the collective "medical establishment." Hopefully i'll be long dead by then.

"so where are all these adults with autism?"

(from the "don't take MY word for it" department)
go read this: http://www.unstrange.com/essay.html

people should read it. if they care about me (or their autistic/potentially autistic children). most adults i willingly interact with are on the spectrum (diagnosis or not). many of my abusers were once only autistic (but sociopathic by the time they got to me).

i most appreciated the article's conclusion:

"We hope Donna's mother is right, that we really are in a better place today, and that when our children become adults they will not be invisible."

i'm invisible. always have been. always will be. you know why? people don't like to listen, read, learn or accept what they do not understand from their own first-hand personal experience. some things have to be learned via textual or spoken word because it requires a lifetime of personal experience otherwise. i don't HAVE a lifetime to give. not any more.

neuroracism: still fighting to kill children's will to live

TO: The Entire St. Lucie County School Board (HensleyK@stlucie.k12.fl.us, IngersollT@stlucie.k12.fl.us, MillerJ@stlucie.k12.fl.us, CarvelliJ@stlucie.k12.fl.us, HilsonC@stlucie.k12.fl.us)
RE: Alex Barton's Human Rights Violated
B/CC: Friends, parents, family, lawmakers, Human Rights Organizations, etc.

i'm ... horrified... - No, that word isn't strong enough. i'm DISGUSTED... - No, that's still not enough to express my OUTRAGE...

Wendy Portillo's display of ignorance and cruelty is inhuman. i would hope she loses her employment over this disgusting act of neuroracism and intolerance. It goes beyond intolerance. Her students have learned, at 5-years of age, that they can exclude other children by force simply because they do not "like" something about them. This is the birthplace of bullying, which is mental abuse (and leads to physical abuse). This is anti-education. It is the spread of ignorance to those who are there to be taught. Wendy Portillo's ignorance has just become a powerful message of cruelty to those who will replicate it and those who have been victimized by it.

i should know: i have Asperger's Syndrome. i always have. Alex Barton at least has the opportunity i never had: proper diagnoses and proper care... but Wendy Portillo has sabotaged Alex Barton's chances for a better future. Because of the cruelty and insensitive abuse he was subjected to, in front of an entire class of peers and executed BY an authority figure (Ms. Portillo), he now has great potential to become... LIKE ME.

http://dysamoria.com

i was abused and harassed from day one. There was no diagnostics for me and none were pending or in progress until i forced my way through the ignorant medical system almost four years ago, starting at age 29. i'm 32 now. NOW i have my diagnosis. It is far too little and far too late. People like your Ms. Portillo have ruined my ability to function as an independent adult... long before i became one.

i was timid and had probably many of the same difficulties as your "teacher's" victim Alex Barton; the "authority" and the peers were judgmental and ignorant. i was victimized by constant "corrections," intimidating, confusing and illogical instruction by "authority figures" and penalized with horribly non-applicable "disciplinary actions." i was disallowed advocation, accommodation, compassion or empathy. i learned very quickly that i was worthless in a world of cold, empathy-devoid, hate-filled monsters. i fought throughout my entire life and i lost. The last battlefield was employment by Kutztown University of PA. Diversity? Human Rights? Unions? Law? Nothing. No rights. No support. Where there is no money, there is no way. Where there is no mental stamina, there is no ability to FIGHT to seek help.

How old is Alex Barton? FIVE?? We're talking about a CHILD. What chances are there for him? Are his parents wealthy and able to spend millions fighting ignorance in institutionalized thinking environments like your school?

i thought children were supposed to be our most precious assets and were to be protected at all costs... but apparently that is a falsehood ... merely mystical fantasy and propaganda. Apparently, it is sanctioned by "authority figures" to grotesquely abuse children born with neurological differences from "the norm" because "someone doesn't like them."

St. Lucie... Saint!?!? This is not a name applicable to a domain run by antipathy, racism, intolerance, ignorance and cruelty. What's the two letter abbreviation for "demon?"

There should be a warning notice on your website which indicates that children of differing neurology are unwelcome and will be tossed out like filthy refuse.

i DARE you to look me in the eyes, via my website and my blog, and see what people have made of me by treating me as your school has treated Alex Barton. Tell me that my life of suffering and abuse is acceptable and then go tell Alex Barton what he is likely to become because people under YOUR AUTHORITY are allowed to propagate fear, hatred, cruelty, ignorant judgment, and neuroracism. Look into OUR eyes and tell us that we are inhuman in yours; tell us that we are worthless.

"Alex hasn't been back to school since then, and Barton said he won't be returning. He starts screaming when she brings him with her to drop off his sibling at school.

Thursday night, his mother heard him saying "I'm not special" over and over.

Barton said Alex is reliving the incident."

You enabled and allowed this mental damage to be done to an extremely impressionable and pliable human child's mind. i KNOW what reliving toxic experiences is like. i experience it every day and night. i cannot sleep. My brain will not rest. i am on disability because sociopathic cruelty and neuroracism forced me from a career i loved and excelled at. The organ in my skull called a brain is failing because of insomnia, a lifelong struggle for those with autism, made terminal via lifelong abuse. When i close my eyes and dream, i scream, i yell, i am abused again and again by reliving remixes of the abuse.

Look Alex Barton in the eyes and tell him that you condemn him to a life of misery and disability. A life condemned to being "less than," living in an intolerant society that WILL beat him down no matter how hard he tries.

Thursday night, his mother heard him saying "I'm not special" over and over.

Barton said Alex is reliving the incident."

...Alex is reliving the incident.
...Alex is reliving the incident.
...Alex is reliving the incident.
...Alex is reliving the incident.

Creatures like YOUR KIND have damned me to a life of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, sleep seizures, nightmares, Borderline Personality Disorder, toxic memory replays, human rights violations, harassment, social abandonment, isolation and what is becoming terminal insomnia (the state supplied disability health "coverage" refuses me access to the ONE medication that can help my brain attain delta wave sleep, the only stage in which the brain, as an organ, can rest and repair damage from stress and activity).

...Alex is reliving the incident.
...Alex is reliving the incident.
...Alex is reliving the incident.
...Alex is reliving the incident.

i hope your school's reputation is forced to relive this indecent event as a permanent public relations scar; a reminder of when your school violated- no- RAPED the developing mind of a fragile 5-year-old CHILD with ignorance, neuroracism and intolerance.

-jace cavacini
adult with autism, shunned by society and harassed into disability by antipathy for 32+ years.

autism so deadly

when i cannot sleep,
the organ in my skull breaks down.

when i am drugged to sleep,
the organ in my brain self-tortures.

i become fear. need. loss. hopelessness.



(EDIT: an NPR interview with an insomniac author, which i've not listened to)

this IS the dystopia

Those of you waiting for the apocalypse or for dystopia to come knocking on your door are wearing peril-sensitive sunglasses; this IS the apocalypse. It's happening now. Every day. Every moment of each day.

We live in a "nation" divided almost in half:

• those that are intolerant racists/sexists/etc. and those who pretend not to be.
• people who do things for themselves only and those who pretend to care about others.
• them that never follow through on promises and them that come up with excuses not to.
• sociopaths that wear masks of normality and sociopaths becoming psychopaths.

We're coming towards a new "presidential voting" time where the ruling "party" that's been destroying family values (while talking about conserving them) are likely to remain in power during the next round because the "party" opposing them have chosen a woman and a non-white as their potential candidates. It almost seems designed to leave the sociopathic republic in power while being able to say "See!! SEE!!?? They're sexist racists!! How dare they do this to OUR country!"

It isn't "our country." This "country" belongs to corporations. This country belongs to the intellectually, emotionally and socially ignorant and inept. This country belongs to the complacent, the old, the cruel, the wealthy and the indifferent. This country is slowly passing on ownership to the children it has manufactured to be JUST LIKE THEIR PREDECESSORS!

This isn't even a country at war with itself. It's not fighting itself. It habitually behaves as its told and acts with response to stimuli. There's no revolution, no civil war, no dissent.

In this "country," people who know you the least are telling you who you are. People who know themselves the least are plugging their ears and burying their heads when they act with selfishness and anti-social behavior. In this "country," this collection of cranky and bitter sibling countries (wrongly referred to as "states"), we citizens are expected to not think. We're expected to not demand protection of our "rights" as they've been defined by those who withhold them.

We're not allowed to show the slightest bit of honest emotion.

We are expected to never get angry, regardless of the cause and reason.

This is the way the world ends, kids. Not with nook-yoo-lar bombs. The world ends, bit by bit, second by second, day by day as people remain complacent, learning how to have no rights and no property by decades of attrition. The world ends generation by generation as the elderly pass on their hate of the young and demand the same social foolishness that made them miserable and hateful.

This is the world ending, quietly, under the weight of your finger tips as you rant uselessly on a blog, under the weight of your ass as you watch television and are told what to think, under the weight of your complacent ignorance which terrorizes the few who think, feel and make active decisions.

This is YOUR world and you've made out of it what you have by doing NOTHING progressive or even ACTIVE.

As your world disintegrates under the weight of your selfishness, MY world is being retroactively aborted while shouting "Autism Awareness!" on billboards and bumper stickers. MY world is never to be. My world never had a chance and will never have a hope. MY world is the detritus that you leave behind for me and my mutant peers of unwealthy, disabled (by you), former middle-class losers that you have beaten and abused with your "this is just the way it is" and your "a lawyer costs [this] much in order to try fighting to protect your [god/state/federal] given rights."

Bend down, fall to your knees and pray to your gods that you may continue to reap all that you and your parents have sown until the day you die. Pray that you can hold on to the benefits of your complacency before those benefits are forgotten and history is rewritten by the corporate warriors, soldiers of legal fortune and mercenaries who's services can be retained for the right fees.

Pray that you don't live long enough to fight the battles my kind have already lost (winning lip service is an anti-victory). Pray that you die before you are held accountable by those who rewrite the rewritten history, looking to put blame anywhere but on the shoulders of the giants who dominate this corporate monster known as "The United States of America." Pray that you die before there is no more nation, or, gods forbid, blood is actually spilt en mass, by enough thousands of organized individuals for the term "civil war" to be suggested (and then tossed aside as the federal military fires upon the citizens which pay it to build weapons and provide it thrones to rule from).

Pray that you never have to live a life where the body is forced to live on after the will to live has been long since murdered.

Oh, you do that already. Those people are called the ignorant elderly and they entertain themselves by abusing disabled people.

THIS is the apocalypse. YOUR apocalyse. No zombies. No massive dollopse of ketchup. No invasions from aliens (terrestrial or non). Rarely a bomb or a bullet fired on "home soil..." it's such a damn shame letdown of an apocalypse, isn't it?

Damn you for what you've made of my world that never will be and my life that never was meant to be.

elderly abusing disabled people??

"Elder Abuse" is a term to describe the abuse of elderly people. This can occur in the home (by relatives or outpatient-care nurses) or in group homes for the elderly (by employees). It's a terrible- no- horrible problem. Often these abused persons have no way of seeking help. Who would believe the "crazy old person" when telling tales of otherworldly treatment in a facility designed to care for elders when they need assistance?

It's all too true and all too real.

To make matters worse, there's another way of using the word "elderly" with the word "abuse." It is being discovered as another frightening and growing trend that elderly people are abusing younger people who have disabilities.

You read that correctly.

First, think about a few issues elderly people face:

1. Isolation and loneliness - not all elderly people have spouses or close friends, as these support persons may have died off. They're lonely and ...
   
2. Boredom - i'm sure you've had times where you felt like stomping bugs or throwing spitballs because you were just THAT horribly bored. Lack of intellectual stimulus leads to atrophy of the intellect. Combine that with number one, above, isolation and loneliness... you get lots of impulses to occupy yourself with ANYTHING, including things that... well... really don't matter. Obsessing over the lawn. Worse, things that aren't your business, like other people's lawns.
   
3. Decades of baggage - i don't mean luggage. i refer to decades of unhandled emotional problems. Problems which may have been marginal and manageable when items 1 and 2 above were not problems have a tendency to grow into monster problems. OCD, paranoia, insecurities, low self esteem, etc. These become pathological and dangerous to harmonious interaction with neighbors and family members.
   
4. Social ignorance - i do not suggest elderly people are stupid. i suggest that they are out of touch with modern awareness of things such as disabilities, which is the focal point of this article.
   

Now, instead of ONLY giving you my likely-biased personal examples, i will first bring to you the comments posted on a forum called "Butch-Femme" which deals with supporting individuals with gender role issues. They had a particularly interesting thread about cyber bullying and other types of harassment. i will quote the relevant comments below:

Quote:
---------------------------------------
Originally Posted by 909 Pervertions

hi there everyone

... i liked the information you posted regarding PTSD as a result of bullying, because i am working right now with a housing authority, fair housing officer, legal rights, & the civil rights commission [plus more contacts], on this very issue-

senior citizens have been doing the bullying- i.e., targeting & exploiting individuals who may have serious/sensitive vulnerabilities along the lines of mental/neurological/emotional- and it's been a surreal scenario because the senior citizens are claiming "elder abuse!" they look like neatly dressed senior citizens with fearful expressions and are convincing as can be- except - they've been caught in the act with pretty heavy duty acts of discrimination...

their "deliberate" behaviours: targeting; stalking; threatening; hate-crimes; animal cruelty; discrimination; and so on- have created personal hells for their targets because it interferes not only in the victims use all common areas, public transportation, and personal safety within that particular community, it's broader still- the bullies have "recruited" people from outside of the housing community- so- the bus who picks up some of the mentally ill people for example, doesn't offer rides because the supervisor is a friend of the main bully at the residental community, who has listened to all of the gossip, accusations, and- so on...

i met and helped a woman over a year ago [reinstated transportation rights, no small undertaking! she needed the bus in order to visit the market to have food-] - she had her "rights" all along- but has a mental illness & besides the bus intimidation, had been bullied for using the sidewalk, laundry room, playing bingo, et c for come to find out- humiliated, ostracized, name-called, et c for *** 8 *** years inside [and outside] of her community- it's how i uncovered the discrimination / senior citizen bullies there-

the senior citizens would ring up the police department [and fire department] and have an officer dispatched at an odd hour to the home[s] of their target[s]- for everything under the stars, although nothing was "found" by the officer during the call... the bullies managed to further add stress/anxiety levels of the targeted individuals by disrupting sleep schedules...

patterns began to emerge - the seniors contacted the police stating they were being harrassed by the mentally ill- and feared the Victims- were out to get The Seniors !

hypervigilant- not paranoid- targets figured out whatever they were blamed for doing, is exactly what the bullies were up to- it was projected: blamed/reversed on the victims ...

the bullies are presently being dealt with by law enforcement, housing, and possibly a trial is in the not too distant future...
...
909
x
---------------------------

End Quote.

Is this story shocking to you? It wasn't shocking to me. In fact, this was pointed out to me by a friend who visits and comments on my blog. He did some searching to see if there were other examples of my personal struggles with elderly neighbors and sent me the link to 909's posting. This friend has been a wonderful assistance to me.

Another quote:

Quote:
---------------------------------------
Originally Posted by 909 Pervertions

Is bullying of adults seen as a lesser crime, a lesser concern?

dear bardicsong

i found this question of particular interest - many resources/support systems often can be fairly accessible for [parents of] children &/or young adults who are experiencing victimizing- stressful-frightening- circumstances: bullying; disabilities; medical conditions; and so on...

the adult appears to have minimal apertures in some, but not all support systems- perhaps not so much with the mainstream groups for depression and/or ptsd, medical illnesses, et c... bullying , and the emotional impact [in addition to physical/spiritual/intellectual] for adults who may be dealing with a disability of some sort is more complicated at times, in actual presentation of symptoms...

the victim bullied [with or without disability] may be seen as a crazy adult who *should * know better- there are multiple scenarios whenever an individual has not the typical *coping skills * to begin with- bullying can create so many frustrations for the victim, who may be trying to stand up for hers