nastiness begets nastiness, Brielle

thanks to "able" and others... i bring you a cross posting from myfuckingspace blog:

Monique Junot, as she's currently going by on MySpace.com, is a FRAUD of a person.

Yes, YOU, Brielle.

Also known as KußßKußß or Brialala (on OKC which she deleted) or Brie or Brielle or ZombiePussay on AIM, or ironauricle on tumblr, 0grebattle on LiveJournal, or as countless other fake identities on countless other online communities where she bashes people who are uncool, chats with people who want to get into her pants but pretend to be friends or who act like she's cool, friends that she will disrespect and trash when she feels her own life is of more importance, etc; she likes to post fake arguments with her ex or other guys and lies on a punkrock forum, argue with people for the sake of being right or just plain makes fun of anything and anyone because of how insecure she is.

She is excellent at self portraiture. Don't let her beauty pull you in. She will talk about respect, honesty, self awareness, openness and all the good stuff... but displease her for a second and she'll get angry and run away with some snide remark prior to leaving the room. Displease her and she might even just vanish off the face of the earth and leave you in the dust without knowing what her cause or reason is. The best you'll get is "it's none of your business what i do with my life" no matter how close you thought you were or she said you were. No matter what you've done for her. She cannot handle conflict or emotional vulnerability.

She seemingly can't tell the difference between messages sent automatically by subscription systems and messages sent by YOU, INTENTIONALLY TO HER. (it doesn't help that GMAIL says "From Dysamoria to ME" instead of "Updated Blog Notice"). The more upset she is with something in her personal life, the more likely you are to piss her off unknowingly with something either personal or harmless... because she thinks you're attacking her (see above) or she hasn't told you that she's having personal problems. She clams up and doesn't communicate but you will suffer the costs.

She is very intelligent, skilled, very beautiful and great in bed... unless she's having a bad day/week/month. Then she hates everything, everyone and anything She values having a job over having close friends and lovers and is insecure about employment. She has poor reading comprehension and little tolerance or empathy for people different from her (i cried in her lap for hours because she just got up, said something crude and walked off during a conversation and it didn't mean shit to her how hurt i was by her actions - because i had dared talk over her, JUSTIFYING her childish and elite behavior as if she is all proper and prim - somehow i'm ALWAYS the asshole; YOU will ALWAYS be the asshole). In fact, she doesn't seem to have any emotions other than anger or fear and fear she will try to hide.

"Close friends" means fuckbuddy. All as soon as she finds a better alternative to you or goes into one of her superiority complex modes or thinks you've "disrespected her" - SHE WILL ERASE YOU FROM HER LIFE. She will block you, delete accounts, and erase you from her flickr/tumblr photo collections, web presences, ignore your phone calls and voice messages and SMS messages. She will ignore or erase or ban your postings. She will tell her friends how horrible you are so that you cannot get responses from THEM either if you ask for explanations for her treatment of you.

Don't bother with her. she is a great case of Borderline Personality Disorder, or worse. She can't be changed. She doesn't want to change. She will tell you things that make it sound like she's self aware but she's irrational when it comes down to the fine print or stress. Don't miss the subtle indicators that she knows she's cruel and hurtful. Don't think you can change her. You can't.

i made the mistake of believing in her and tried to kill myself when she treated me like dirt on the phone after a week of complete silence and being ignored. why? because after 3+ months of being together, i thought i mattered to her. She even said i did. i thought she cared. because i bonded to her. because i liked her and her dog and cats and her love of animals (her dog Hank has a profile here, too).
stupid fucking me for caring.

And YES, i am outing you, BRIELLE. You said you STUCK BY YOUR FRIENDS but you don't. You insult them and ignore them when it's convenient for you. You warned that to cross you is a bad thing... well FUCK YOU, i'm sick of assholes fucking me over just like you've done. i may be a male but i fucking have a heart, too, you heartless jerk.


and, i add, why do i keep allowing women into my life that behave like this? judy? dana? elise?

You tell me "i don't want to end up another one of those names of women you hate on your blog..." and the easy answer is DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE!

"i don't want this to end in a negative way" she said, insincerely and then ERASED ME.

trash

i get it now
it's merely a matter of convenience
how foolish of me

it's easier to be an asshole
to be selfish
cruel
lie

become "unavailable"

it's easier to be people like Brielle and Elise
dana, john, jana, jenni, megan, toshi, jefferson
picus, jenni's sister, mike the chef, mike the heather manipulator

.and.
.so.
.many.
.more.

choose your reality
erase people you think have offended you

but first the setup!
pull them in, or make it appear you're simply letting them in, even more clever...

bring them into the fold
showcase them
talk them up

make them feel special

"i don't see how anyone could ever think you're scum"
"those girls didn't deserve you"
"you're better than them"
"they're just selfish"

over and over and over
the same insincere trash talk.
the same LIES.

take advantage of them
fuck, be fucked
have your yank, get free orgasms
receive your so badly needed validation

have your "friendship"
sex friends
people you're "seeing"
"best friends" you betray

then tear them apart
or ignore them, or tell them off
change parameters without notice,
whatever. just something sudden and cruel.

"terms subject to change without notice.
we are under no obligation to inform you of changes
prior to their execution."

tell your friends they're trash
the friends you were trashing
now you need them again
because you've exchanged hates

found the lesser exposure
realized who sees you least
where you're more hidden
invisible but accepted as a member

the elite club of cool outsiders
insiders, who cares what caste you want
you just want one that takes you in as member
where you can throw out people you don't like

I GET IT NOW.

i can be just like you.
erase you, ignore you.
tell everyone you're trash.

i'm doing it now. wheee!

so fuck you all.
you're all trash.

makeup, clever vocabulary without logical coherence
hiding rotting sores
rotting souls
rot

zombies, trash,
monsters in costumes of worse monsters
for fun and for protection

masks to hide worse masks
portraying something better
something bitter but risky and cool
elite

rot

rot and flutter away with the leaves

waste your time surfing every internet social club
seeking an identity you can't fashion out of reality
look for people to bash in clusters of assholes, jackals
fan the flames, sham the blames and blame the truths

seek out that next perfect man, the good fuck
to bash later when he sees through your makeup

women suck
men suck
people suck
so do their friends

wives
husbands
whoever just does as told
without forming their own opinions based on truth

all of you
thinking you're just fine
better than
in control

trash
every single one

including me
because i can't be YOU.

Psychopathy and Antisocial Personality Disorder: A Case of Diagnostic Confusion

Regarding: something published and apparently ignored since February 1, 1996
Psychiatric Times. Vol. 13 No. 2: http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/display/article/10168/54831

"Written by Robert D. Hare, Ph.D. Dr. Hare, who has researched psychopathy for more than 25 years, is a professor of psychology at the University of British Columbia, and was scientific director of a 1995 NATO Advanced Study Institute on Psychopathic Behavior."

i wanted to introduce the topic of Sociopathy vs. Psychopathy into the materials present in Dr. Robert Hare's writing (both his articles found on the web, such as http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/p960239.html and his own website and writings in print).

His article at http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/p960239.html is near excellent in defining some very vital reasoning on why confusion of ASPD and Psychopathy is a terrible problem. Yet, i see a terrible problem in the lack of mention of Sociopathy.

The DSM not only lumps ASPD with Psychopathy, but also does the same with Sociopathy. Sociopathy and Psychopathy ARE Anti Social Personality Disorders. More so, they DIFFER in perceptually small yet effectively VAST ways.

i was very excited to find the book "The Sociopath Next Door" by Dr. Martha Stout. i was confused when a friend read the book and found it lacking my own personal differentiation between sociopathy and psychopathy. i examined the parts she cited and felt she was indeed correct. i had lead her to a book that does not go where i thought it did and where i have been going very frequently in my attempts to educate others.

i have since located some web-based material called "The Psychopath Next Door" which is reportedly Martha Stout's website (which looks outdated and does not indicate her name). The information on this page seems VERY similar to her book. It occurred to me that the process of formalizing her writing on the topic had forced her to change from the subject of Psychopathy to Sociopathy because the people she was writing about were not murderers, cult leaders or other such common psychopathic actions. It is fortunate that she changed terms before publishing the book, but unfortunate that it does not do near as well a job as my own talks with people to define the difference between the two labels.

Most importantly, i think it is VITAL that all of this information be brought back into public discussion, form part of whatever processes involved in producing the next (unfortunately biblically followed) DSM edition, and CLARIFIED to eliminate the confusion that is growing more and more rampant.

i have a personal motivator here. i was harassed, intimidated and abused by several sociopaths. To my knowledge, they are not psychopaths. Their ASPD stops at the point where they attempt to preserve their social status and maintain their adherence to the majority of laws and social rules that would have them filtered out of society, should they break those rules and laws. i have no interest in "protecting" these people in any way (i would love to see sociopaths filtered out of society just as psychopaths tend to filter themselves out after committing crimes), but i DO see a neurological connection to two neurological/psychiatric items that do NOT deserve to be lumped into the same category as psychopaths:

1. Borderline Personality Disorder. This is largely a defensive mechanism of the human mind in response to extensive and intolerable amounts of mental (and often physical) abuse. Most typically observed in females from teenage to about 35, is the claim of much material on BPD. Noted is the "mysterious growing out of it" effect that i have read about in several published materials on BPD. i find this irresponsible and i "see" what is likely happening: BPD leads to sociopathy, if not treated, cared for or otherwise halted in its tracks.
   
   
2. BPD appears to be a VERY common comorbidity of autistic neurology in the later years (between teens and mid 30s).

You see the process i am illustrating?

High Functioning Autistic neurology leads to much social (and often physical abuse) through the "growth years" and the comorbid condition of BPD establishes a strong hold to preserve the mental integrity of the individual. A worst case scenario leads to the terminal point of BPD transitioning into Sociopathy.

In case you cannot predetermine my personal bias here, i am autistic.

My autism spectrum label would most likely be Asperger's Syndrome, but the longer i continue to combat "the system" as an individual, and combat sociopaths and "professionals," the more i am forced to wonder if i am something slightly higher functioning than the high functioning AS individual. My self awareness and intelligence has made me feel rather alienated by those AS persons i have encountered in AS communities and the "professionals" refuse to recognize me as BEING on the autism spectrum (because apparently they do not grasp that austistic children eventually GROW UP with or without a diagnosis). i did not have a diagnosis of anything until about a year ago when i pursued the diagnosis of AS through independent research and a rough time locating professionals who could see beyond their traditionally myopic perspective of only working with children.

AS, and autism in general, has many features that are similar to the criteria for ASPDs and many are perceived to BE antisocial. Worse, it seems to me, from my own personal research and experience, autistic neurology is a potential catalyst for becoming an antisocial person, a "Borderliner," Sociopath or psychopath. The determining factors seem to be nurture (positive or negative) and self awareness (though that lucidity of self awareness is questionable in terms of how it comes about and whether it can be taught or learned).

My point: Sociopaths are more dangerous than psychopaths. They do not get filtered out of society because, as many have stated, the "dog eat dog" aspects of "modern society" seem to encourage it and getting "ahead" in society seems to be enabled by the traits of sociopathy. Also, i know MANY persons with AS and BPD. None of them deserve the mistaken presumption or sloppy and incorrect diagnosis of Sociopathy or Psychopathy.

The DSM needs to be moved drastically into a "spectral" format instead of solid on and off bipolar determination. i am hoping that interaction from people such as myself with people such as the professionals "in the business" (especially those who are authoring books and being read by other professionals and students of the topics he presents) will eventually lead to a healthier DSM and better diagnostic results from the "professionals" who use the DSM as the end-all be-all bible of "mental health."

The mind is the brain. The brain is the mind. Knowing how it works, and why it works in the ways it does, is the best route to a healthier human species and human societies.

Thank you for reading this rather long message. i would like to send a copy to Dr. Robert Hare, but the website indicates a postal address only for personal correspondence. i hope that this message is a little of both; please do forward this message to him if that is possible. Otherwise, i will have to use the postal service.

-jace cavacini
dysamoria (at) dysamoria dot com
http://dysamoria.com

"i'm relieved ..."

in reference to me not wanting to have anything to do with my father any longer.

but, he got to put me in a 304 situation. this ignorant asshole who knows nothing about the system tells me that i just had to get out of there instead of getting to the core of the problem... you don't get to the core of anything but following orders from staff and doctors about taking medication on time, as prescribed, despite your "real" doctors or what YOU know about YOU, no matter how old or young you are, and no matter how educated or ignorant you are.

i was one of the most educated people there... well... actually i was one of the least EDUCATED, yet more than two other patients told me that i gave them more clear information than any staff or doctor and that i seemed extremely intelligent.

but who does this asshole of a "father" listen to? does he listen to his son, who has explained the system to him several times? no. he listened to: "the professionals."

i hate my father.

he thinks it's great to have me out of the family.

so what THE FUCK is the reason why i was 304ed after NOT killing myself and solving my own problem? i could have been out of his list of self imposed problems (money, anxiety) for years if he'd just accept my RIGHT to DIE.

but then, it's not LEGAL to die by your own hand in this society is it?

someone call crisis on my father. he needs a ride through the system so he can "get to the bottom of the problem."

610-791-3188
610-703-9887

i could destroy his career like jefferson destroyed mine. but i have impulse control. i think about things. and i think THIS would be far more educational and constructive.

you want to know the story of my life in relation to my father?

PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH PUSH

i was an autistic child.

his way of teaching bicycle is to tell you to do it and then get mad and walk away when you get frustrated with him and the bicycle. me. my sister. same with math. "You don't speak English? That's ok, I'LL TALK LOUDER AT YOU AND POINT AT THINGS VIOLENTLY! PROBLEM SOLVED!!"

MONEY. That's all that matters to him. That's all that matters to his parents. That's all that matters to the whole fucking family. Work, get married, have children, work to raise your children, get to an old age spoiling as many grand/great grand children as you can before you just... die.

MONEY.

"i'm relieved you want nothing to do with me'" i paraphrase.

"i'm done with you." he said.

My "father" lives in a large, beautiful colonial house with enclosed back porch. You'd think he was someone... "important" ... he might say... IF he had any perspective. He has beautiful land that he thinks he must maintain to some sort of suburban standard. Ridiculous. Does he enjoy it?

i asked that question of the two of them repeatedly and they didn't even comprehend the question without me explaining it.

They want to sell it and buy a condo.

makes me want to fucking puke.

i hate my life, but that was my home and they want to trade it in for a fucking condo?

a $400,000 (more??) home and they want to trade it in for a motherfucking condo??

un.real

i've been told to write a book. If i live long enough, and some editor can remove enough material and still have the publisher go ahead, maybe then... someone might fucking get it.

But probably not because people don't really read much. THEY SEE BIG WORDS AND LOOK AT SHOCKING PICTURES AND WATCH FOX NEWS AND TALK ABOUT KILLING TOWELHEADS. They don't think or read.

i hate being here.

for jefferson

everything i touched, you broke

i admitted my admiration for you
and you broke it by taking advantage

i admitted my AS to you
and you used it as a weapon against me

i trusted you to be a friend, as you claimed to be
and you broke it into a billion little fragments of hate

i can't even email to the university
because you've poisoned me so
that my words became uncontrolled

OR your infestation of IT worked
and they did as you PRESCRIBED

everything i touched, you broke

my clients
my work
me relationships
my career

everything i touched, you broke

you're so
insecure
so afraid
so small
ignorant

controlling,
or trying to be
and failing

control

over your life
your employees
your supervisors
"human resources"
(sociopaths of a kind
you could only DREAM of being)

your wife
whom you live off of

crushing her will
to speak in public
to do anything which
you disapprove

i hope she sees you;
rotten to the core

i hope she leaves you
to drink at the television
to a downward and
deathly spiral, just
just as you deserve

the world didn't do this to you
you did this to the world
and it reciprocated.
...and you blame it for that.
fool.

your not worth the suffering
yet everything you touch, you brake.

no one learns, and i lose to your ignorance

the repeating dream:
i entrusted the care of my cats to a household of other people.
those i trusted and believed in
when i returned,
no cats. nothing said to me
i had to ask about them
they were dead.
no explanation.
ever.

combined with the dreams about "my other house"
forgotten, abandoned, animals suffering...
where is it???

BRING ME THERE!!!!

this is hell. sleep, stage 5, R.E.M.
hell. most active and restless stage of sleep.

cannot focus
art projects
no rest
unable to
let things go.

"why can't you see that every thing's broken?
why does it seem this life's turned grey?
i can't believe in anything sacred
when i don't believe that i am real."

i am alone
locked in my memories
there's nowhere left for me to hide
but i am not real..."

"... why does it seem that everything's different
and why does it seem that only you are real?
i don't believe in anything sacred
so why do i feel so damned alone-

-i need someone to break the silence
that's screaming in my head
and in my soul."

-- track 4. wither, blister, burn and peal.
-- track 9 is even better.
-- maybe this is the best album they made.
-- you figure out who it is.

i am afraid
i want to live my life, but
fearful of evil abuses
like the 302/304
done by my biological parents...

they've learned NOTHING.

NOTHING

"i'm finding it so hard to hold on"

but there's no out for me, just more

PUNISHMENT

Boy Suffocated During School Punishment

i don't normally post articles from elsewhere but this was too much for me NOT to post it. It might be old news to you, but this belongs in my list of contributions one way or another because this is a crime committed against the weak and the oppressed by the authority and the arrogant oppressors... against a child.

MONTREAL - After nine-year-old Gabriel Poirier was discovered lifeless in his classroom last April 17, his parents were told their autistic son had stopped breathing after hiding under a heavy therapeutic blanket.

Now a coroner has revealed that Gabriel's teachers had tightly wrapped him in the buckwheat-stuffed blanket, leaving only the tips of his ears sticking out, as punishment when he became disruptive. They left him unsupervised in a corner for 20 minutes, returning when a timer sounded.

Gabriel was unconscious and blue in the face. He was rushed to hospital, where he died the following night surrounded by his family.

In a report published yesterday, Coroner Catherine Rudel-Tessier concluded the child suffocated. She said the teachers at the special-needs school in Saint-Jean-sur-Richelieu, Que., failed to follow guidelines for the blankets, which are used commonly to calm autistic children.

"He was only 53 pounds, he was so small," Gilles Poirier, the boy's father said at a news conference yesterday. "How can they wrap him up like that in a 40-pound blanket? How can this treatment be tolerated?"

It can't, or shouldn't be tolerated... but look... it happened, didn't it?

Ms. Rudel-Tessier said proper use of the blanket called for a child to be rolled at most once and for his head to be left uncovered. The blanket was to be used as a relaxation therapy, not as a punishment, and teachers were supposed to keep an eye on children using the blankets.

More ignorant "teachers" with their own rules on human behavior...

"A child rolled 'at least four times' in such a heavy blanket is under restraint," the coroner wrote.

Jean-Pierre Menard, a lawyer representing Gabriel's parents, is calling for changes to legislation to control the use of restraints in schools. The parents are also planning to sue the Hautes-Rivieres school board.

As they should. They should pick every bone from the rotten corpse of that school district.

The coroner said use of the blankets should be ceased until clear guidelines are established. Basic rules would include ensuring the blanket is not too heavy for the child, never covering the child's head, ensuring that vital signs can always be observed, never rolling the child in the blanket and ensuring the child can get out if he wants to.

More importantly, "random" objects should not be used for punishment just because a "teacher" thinks it would be a good idea. Like when [our] parents broke wooden spoons on our rear ends, shoved soap into our mouths and whipped us with belts...

Kathleen Provost, executive director of the Autism Society of Canada, said weighted blankets can be calming for autistic children when used under the guidance of an occupational therapist. "They have a therapeutic use and can be relaxing," she said.

This is true. i am much more comfortable with pressure. i ache to have a bed partner. Not for sex (though that's nice, too). Heavy blankets, NOT the therapeutic one mentioned in this story, have always been a comfort to me, but i must have adequate access to breathing cool air to compensate for the pressure and the temperature build-up.

Mr. Menard said the parents were surprised to learn Gabriel had been placed in the blanket as a punishment. The school board had initially said it was a natural death and that Gabriel had gone under the blanket on his own.

In other words, they lied. Lied lied lied. Gone "under" the blanket is not at all similar to being wrapped more than four times in the thing.

"The principal said they found Gabriel under the blanket and he wasn't breathing. The parents thought that something had happened while he was sleeping and that was how he died," Mr. Menard said. He said the school board later told the media that Gabriel had hidden under the blanket.

In other words, they lied. Lied lied lied.

Mr. Poirier said he cannot understand why his child was placed in a restraint. "He was a very gentle boy," he said. "Sometimes he was loud, but he was never aggressive or violent. I just don't understand how this happened," he said, tears streaming down his face.

ghamilton@nationalpost.com

It happened because there was an arrogant, ignorant fool in power over children who are taught to obey mindlessly. This is a humanitarian crime. This is murder.

the credit, and special thanks, goes to the original author Graeme Hamilton at National Post in Canada.

poor reading comprehension = ignorance

quote:

"... Everything that you accuse others of is what YOU are. I am amazed that you can't see that.

Again, you will refuse to look at what I am saying and you will go off on another boring and whiney tirade to deflect the truth of it all. But I just had to tell you how I see you, and I can't be the ONLY person who sees you for what you are. Lots of people run away from you for a reason...not because they're jerks, or sociopaths, or "wimpy", it's because you are INTOLERABLE and you are intolerable not because you've had rough crap happen to you but because of how you've CHOSEN to deal with it and you treat others so nastily.

If by some rare chance you actually paused and acted the way you try to make others act by 'yelling' and 'screaming' at them you might come close to seeing yourself for what you really are. (but you won't) ..."

The first paragraph is exactly what i expect from ignorant and intolerant people who need to project their own problems onto the people who have exposed their own. It's also part of the giveaway. i can read a person's identity by how they word themselves and the memes they use. And yes, THIS is projection: The declaration that the things one has been blamed for doing are actually being done by others, not the person who's REALLY doing it. Everyone knows i hate Freud and am not in full agreement with Wikipedia's validity ... but... HERE.

and here:

6 a: the act of perceiving a mental object as spatially and sensibly objective; also : something so perceived b: the attribution of one's own ideas, feelings, or attitudes to other people or to objects; especially : the externalization of blame, guilt, or responsibility as a defense against anxiety

That last paragraph i included is a gem of poor reading and writing comprehension; where is the completion of the statement? But i wont redirect into complaints about writing skills... Go read the rest of the assault from the ignorant "Stunned" over here. These are exactly the kinds of holier than thou people i can't stand; the ones who talk out their asses in order to make themselves feel better about their own shitty actions. They may sound good on the surface, but when you know them and you analyze what they have said, you get the truth: they're insecure, selfish, arrogant, and best of all, have a personal ax to grind against me (or whoever they're ranting at; and, yeah, i rant too, but at least my rants have some basis of reality to them instead of creative vocabulary and context-free, pack animal attack mentality). This person is more interested in being RIGHT, not being correct and i am not the least bit embarrassed to showcase it.

ASHAMED to be an "American," part one

i want to be dead.
dead dead dead.
kill me kill me kill me.

is that statement going to get me more home invasions and forced medication by ignorant motherfuckers called "the law" and "people who care?" You stupid bastards....

if i had the strength (and money), i would start a legal battle against 201, 302, and 304. Fuck, i don't even know what "law" these sections come from. They are designed to remove your civil rights. How is that a just law?

Our constitution is a pile of lies because it's been amended to uselessness and laws have been created to obfuscate, block and side-step it. The pursuit of life, LIBERTY and HAPPINESS. FUCKING BULLSHIT.

i'm much worse, now, thanks

now i have three more betrayals to keep my mind at disease.
dis ease and disease. same word. different pronunciation. same meaning, in my book.

so how do i sleep and be at peace now?
i want to screw you all. and i don't mean fucking.
i feel raped, pillaged and disposed of as convenient.

thinking hurts more than before
when i can think straight at all
you learned nothing, all this time.

the friends, nothing
the parents, nothing

i'm much much worse, now, thanks so much
for adding to the mental disease i cannot wash out.

Punish the Suicidal Instead of Helping Them

UPDATED HERE: NowPublic.com (re-dated for the day i was released from hospitalization prison)

Instead of asking ourselves how we contributed to the choice of self termination (or how we complacently did nothing - how we maybe could have helped prevent it, as a society, in general), let's call them sick and selfish! Let us, in our arrogance and antipathy, rush them along to the end! (Joe calls this the "Feeding Frenzy: people don't kick people WHEN they're down, they kick them BECAUSE they're down.")

What if you have everything that makes you who you are taken from you?What if your every waking and sleeping moment is filled with memories of rejection, harassment, abuse, or never feeling allowed to just plain be a part of society? How fucking righteous would you really be when all you can remember is cold, heartless disinterest or outright cruelty? See what choices YOU make when you have only ONE left that offers relief.

But no, we don't accept suicide as an option. No sir, not in this nation. Suicide is selfish and stupid. Just like abortion is selfish and stupid. Just like being vegetarian is stupid and pointless.

Suicide isn't painless, but maybe more people need to LISTEN TO ACTUAL SUICIDAL PEOPLE; practice EMPATHY! Discover why suicide becomes hope for relief.

fuck it; people still don't even believe in Asperger's Syndrome. Comprehending suicide as freedom is even more difficult to grasp.

disturbed (a "short summary" of what disturbs me about this world)
http://dysamoria.com/blog/2007/12/disturbed.html

"Google" search "suicide" (go to "Read This First")
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=suicide&btnG=Google+Search

Here's a PERFECT excerpt from the above "Read This First" page:

"Start by considering this statement:

“Suicide is not chosen; it happens
when pain exceeds
resources for coping with pain.”

That’s all it’s about. You are not a bad person, or crazy, or weak, or flawed, because you feel suicidal. It doesn’t even mean that you really want to die - it only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now. If I start piling weights on your shoulders, you will eventually collapse if I add enough weights... no matter how much you want to remain standing. Willpower has nothing to do with it. Of course you would cheer yourself up, if you could.

Don’t accept it if someone tells you, “that’s not enough to be suicidal about.” There are many kinds of pain that may lead to suicide. Whether or not the pain is bearable may differ from person to person. What might be bearable to someone else, may not be bearable to you. The point at which the pain becomes unbearable depends on what kinds of coping resources you have. Individuals vary greatly in their capacity to withstand pain.

When pain exceeds pain-coping resources, suicidal feelings are the result. Suicide is neither wrong nor right; it is not a defect of character; it is morally neutral. It is simply an imbalance of pain versus coping resources.

You can survive suicidal feelings if you do either of two things: (1) find a way to reduce your pain, or (2) find a way to increase your coping resources. Both are possible." - © Copyright 1995-2006 Martha Ainsworth. All rights reserved.

1. My reduction of pain, or attempts thereof, have been to seek to understand people better so as to work with them better. i tried my damned hardest to harmonize at work with a sociopath who was impossible to please.

2. My attempts at increasing my coping mechanisms have been through art and other solitary activities. These no longer work because the big issue is isolation and loneliness. So i have sought companionship (from females, in a romantic sense). Somehow, i manage to locate just the right people who say all the right things to me up front... and become someone else later. They blame ME for their changed attitude like the mason blames the stone.

UPDATE 2: from a comment on NowPublic by an editor:

jordan at 10:41 on July 10th, 2008
The Golden Gate Bridge has a suicide-prevention hotline phone on the city-side approach. Sometimes it's out of order!

repeat

NOTE: this is a repeat, i think.


days, hours
months, or
something

these are the end days
my end days, for your fun
now i will push as far as i can

there's not much left to do
nor give, 'sides my heart,
with its wretched limits, too

so, push
shove
crawl right up in my face

i owe you the blood
the pain
and tears

wasted on you

all my strain was for you
if you care
which you don't

so

suckle right up till the white
becomes red
empty me out, and be fed

these are the end days
of a battle i never embraced
it's your fantasy, to rule or destroy

and you have done to me
the worst of both worlds

so push, crawl, shove,
and with teeth, be sure to chew and injest
infest your distress upon me

these are my end days
closer than i hoped they would be
and oh so much more real, now

but i know i was better than you
oh i know i was much better than most

well...

i know i was much better than you.

example of my "best friends" from "the old days"

This is a demonstration of my life and only aimed at Dave.

Dave Brinton wrote to me:

I am taking a week's vacation next week. I will be in Allentown from the 30th until the the 6th. For the most part it will just be me and Sam. Erin has to work and isn't coming up until the weekend. You and I are going to the movies on Tuesday. No arguments. No late night showings either. Matinee. The sun will be out. Sam takes her naps from noon to 2pm. That is when we are going. Just you and I.

You will change your sleeping schedule (or lack thereof) as necessary. You will take whatever drugs you feel are necessary. But you will be ready to go to a Noonish movie. We will be going to the best theatre in the valley. The new Saucon Valley Rave. Digital Projection. Professional sound.

This is not a debate. This is not a request.

I will call you Monday with the details. Whether you answer the phone or not is irrelevant. I will be there Tuesday to pick you up. Distance and time is not a factor. If I have to pick you up at 11 to make a 12:45 show then that is what I will do.

I will be there Tuesday. You will be ready. This is not an intervention, just a simple statement of fact.

Please, do not force me break into your home and drag you to the the theatre. I've been trained to do both and I can come armed if you feel that is what it will take.

As for what we're seeing and as a final statement, well, here's a hint: "You won't like me if i'm angry"

"YOU WILL [this]" and "YOU WILL [that]"

A friend of mine replied to Dave:

Hi Dave,

I'm a friend of Jace's, and he forwarded your email to me. If he disagrees with what I write, then he will say so, but I think he sent your message to me so that I could give you feedback on your plan to drag him out to a movie.

You have a plan that would work for a person like you. When you're feeling down it probably helps when someone drags you out to a movie. It distracts you from the problem that's got you down and allows you a moment of perspective to see that the rest of your life is still there, waiting for you to pay attention to it.

You want to help Jace feel better, so it seems like a good thing to do for him. I think your determination is heartwarming.

However, Jace is not a normal guy, and he's not just feeling down, and the rest of his life is not waiting for him. This plan is likely to backfire horrifically. Please don't carry through with it.

You have a thread of friendship based on a positive shared past and Jace is grateful that you still care about him. But he is a very different person now, and much more fragile than you imagine - possibly more fragile than you CAN imagine. (If you read about what it feels like to be depressed and to have PTSD and to have sensory overload problems, then maybe you'll get close to imagining it.)

It's much safer for Jace and you and your friendship if you give up the idea that you can make him feel better. It's not in your power. I wish I could tell you something positive or helpful to do instead, but I can't think of anything.

The bearer of sad news,
[name]

Dave's response:

The thing is [name]. I do not know you. No offense, but why exactly should I take your advice? Maybe I don't know Jace anymore, but I definitely don't know you.

I come to the area where he lives with enough time to visit someone else besides family maybe once a year. So if you are the person that makes decisions for him then I will need to hear that from him.

I've been friends with Jace since 3rd grade. I think i'm the only person left who falls into that category.

He does not owe me anything. I do not demand anything of him (well beyond being conscious, clothed, and preferably not smelling, but I guess I can overlook the last part).

Since as far as I can tell he can still see moving pictures and speak the English language he has all the requirements needed to at least understand the film, if not necessarily enjoy it.

Jace and I don't need a heart to heart. I'm not going to try and 'cure' him or any of that nonsense. I want to go see a movie with someone I ate paste with in kindergarten. I want to watch some big CG green guy yell 'Hulk Smash' while I suck down a 64oz. of my favorite beverage.

When not actively watching the film. My topics of conversation were probably going to revolve around Dr. Who, LEGO's new product line, and other Sci-Fi and Sci-Fi related topics. I'll even talk string theory if he wants, though that was another of our friend's specialties not mine.

About the only time we won't be talking is during the movie. Then i'll need him to shut the hell up. I hate people who talk during a movie.

About the only topics we never saw eye to eye on were music and women.

Which brings me back to you. Why exactly should I take your advice?

If Jace is planning on his life being over then I can at least rest easy knowing he's got 'Hulk Smash' stuck in his head like a bad song.

i replied:

because i asked her (or someone out of the four people who care to handle me a little bit more empathetic online than anyone in the real world) to do something. because my last EEG proved useless. because i have no credit. because i have no job. because i have no way to clear my reputation because of some FUCKING CUNT named will jefferson at KU FUCKED UP MY LIFE. because i was having my sewer back up in the basement. because the girl i'd been seeing just vanished (this is the second time now that someone i've been seeing has done this to me).

because i was not, and am still not, able to communicate (only i napped a bit between thena nd now) because if you force my hand, i will lose it.

"No offense, but" is the exact kind of insensitivity i cannot deal with, joking or not and i do believe i asked you to stop with the joking when i'm hurting. [There are plenty of other veiled insults and passive aggressive commentary in there that hides as "just joking - i'm NOT joking]

if you want to do something constructive, use your resources to fuck over jefferson, or tell [name] how WE can do so. Like, for example: is it public record to find out why someone left the military? i think jefferson was an insubordinate asshole, but that's not his story.

otherwise.... that's all for now

Passive-Aggressive, Holier Than Thou Response from Dave:

Fine. just forget that I asked.

An individual's military records are confidential and personal information. As such they are not public record and are exempt from even the Freedom of Information Act. I cannot give you that information and you cannot access it. Only a court order would gain a civilian access to those files. [all i needed to know]

[but that wasn't enough to beat me into the dirt] Regardless, I will not abuse my position for any kind of personal vendetta. [if you want to know about personal vendetta's you should research what jefferson did to ME which OUR STATE ALLOWED and FACILITATED]

Be careful who you send your emails to and the language they contain. Like the original one that started all this.

Sending it to the White House was not a good idea.

OUTRAGED ME:

so fucking kill me then!

i never asked you to abuse your position, Dave. i've asked people to make use of their resources before and never once asked them to abuse their positions.

"the original one that started all this..."

FUCK.

no have you fucking clue where this all started. maybe all my fucking life growing up with people like you taking the moral and masculine high ground has something to do with it when i played along and did everything i was told to do and i GOT FUCKED UP THE ASS. you're always so FUCKING ENTITLED, GODDAMN IT. i had a fucking career while you and everyone else were in school, now i have fucking NOTHING. you wanna take the moral high ground, FUCK YOU.

and fuck the white house.

i've had all the support from this fucking country i can stand.

AND

i didn't take ANY of this as funny. you know why, Dave? because this is how i've been treated my whole life. not asked. TOLD. not invited, DEMANDED and EXPECTED. There's never an alternative for people like you who have no empathy for the situations of others.

talk about watching what you say in emails......... fucking hypocrite. you "have been trained and can come armed if that's what it takes." bullet, in brain stem. go for it!

should i forward THIS to the useless whitehouse?

FUCK YOU!

[do they do sensitivity training in the FBI??]

AND MORE from me:

im sick of it, Dave. this is why i don't associate with john and tammy any more.

no one has a fucking bit of empathy and yet i[m the one that gets the pop-media bullet point "CAN'T EMPATHIZE"



FUCK YOU ALL

AND STILL MORE BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE THROWING UP

you just hve no fucking clue, do you?????

come on, send me some more passive aggressive blame. i love it.

you ever gone weeks at a time without sleep or rest? suffered learning

disabilities that people told you were YOUR OWN PERSONAL ATTITUDE

PROBLEM?? BEEN REFUSED MEDICAL HELP???
F U C K Y O U

And another voice from people who GET IT:

Dave,
You said you wanted to help Jace. The best thing you can do if you truly value his friendship is to back off for a while and learn about the neurological differences between him and you. Jace is a good person. He is a very loving and caring person. It seems to be far more difficult for men to understand AS and the difficulties he has had than it is for women to empathize with him [i beg to differ, since all women who i've dealt with were just as intolerant but hid it until they were ready to leave me]. I will not speculate in this case why that is so. But please, even if you are angry right now, do not respond to him until you have done some outside reading about Asperger's Syndrome and PTSD.

[name]

P. S. You don't know me either, but I know what I am talking about.

remember, help isn't something offered; it's something inflicted by those who want you not to be different from them.

make amends or i'm killing myself

(ADDED STUFF BELOW)
Kutztown University, will jefferson, sharon picus, margaret devlin, HR, the "Office of Social Equity," the Union and several other managerial and Union-related people destroyed my ability to lead a normal life:

• jefferson discriminated against me based on age (youth) and disability (autism).
  
• jefferson harassed me with passive-aggressive obstruction of my work, direct verbal abuse and defamation of my character and work ethic to my coworkers and management.
  
• jefferson threatened me not to speak with the union about conflicts with him.
  
• management (devlin and HR) refused to do their jobs when the abuse was brought to their attention.
  
• management (devlin and HR) harassed me directly by defamation of me to my coworkers, union and other management.
  
• HR harassed me by sending me away from work to be "examined by a psychiatrist," which was totally playing along with jefferson's fraudulent claim/defamation of me to HR and coworkers.
• management did nothing when it was made clear that jefferson was behaving with oppressive, harassing and aggressive behavior that coworkers sensed as disconcerting indicators of potential violence against me.
  
• the union did nothing to assist or advise me.
  
• a union representative advised me against filing a grievance because "it probably wont accomplish anything."
  
• another union representative advised me to "play along with management" because he'd been through a similar situation (he was brought up on drug use charges, i was being harassed by fraudulent claims made by jefferson to campus security).
  
• another union representative told me "management protects its own."
  
• the union did not represent or defend me when i was brought under charges of potential safety risk due to jefferson's fraud.
  
• the union made declarations of investigation that were not followed through with.
  
• the union management made declarations to investigate and did nothing but allow HR to waste the 15-day statute of limitations on filing grievances.
  
• the union management refused to respond to emails and phone calls.
  
• the university eliminated my job by declaring that i resigned when i had NOT done so, two days before xmas holiday.
  
• the university, the union and all people mentioned clearly acted in their own personal and managerial best interests and for their own convenience and never once attempted to resolve the real cause of the problems where they started from day one: will jefferson!

i am living in hell on earth:

• i cannot eat properly because of medications, stress, anxiety and a failing nervous system.
  
• i cannot get slow-wave sleep so my mental facilities are disintegrating.
  
• i have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, paranoia and am developing BPD in response to the abuse i've received.
  
• i have nightmares/hallucinations instead of sleep.
  
• i am extremely suicidal and feel that i have NO legal rights, protection, accommodation or even people to believe me.
  
• i am looked at as a leech on society by disability and welfare by way of continuously decreasing allotments for food and medical treatment.
  
• i am on medications that make me ill with side effects which require other medications, all of which have become physical addictions because of the nature of the medications. i can't get off of them without going through health-risking withdrawal.
  
• AmeriHealth Mercy refuses me access to the one medication that might help with my sleep disorder.
  
• i am isolated, my credit has been destroyed, i'm lonely, and no one has done ANYTHING to the criminals to have brought my life to this point.
  
• my family is suffering because of attempting to assist me while they are already suffering their own problems.

No pill and no platitudes will ever rectify the real cause of all of these problems:

MY HUMAN RIGHTS WERE VIOLATED AND NO ONE WHO'S RESPONSIBILITY IT IS TO DEAL WITH THAT FACT WILL DO SO. I AM IGNORED, DISCARDED, MARGINALIZED, REFUSED AND HARASSED BY HAVING A DIAGNOSED DISABILITY WHICH HAS BECOME 100 TIMES WORSE BECAUSE OF ABUSE FROM MY FORMER EMPLOYER, KUTZTOWN UNIVERSITY.

I WANT COMPENSATION OR I WANT DEATH. THERE IS NO ALTERNATIVE.


The Evidence, the Story, the Whole Truth


Christine said (on myspace):

You want compensation from whom? Perhaps you will receive it in another form, that is if you are open to it and to your future. We will all die soon enough. Now is not your time Jace. We did not determine our birth so the natural order of things is that we should not determine our death either. No person should ever have that much say in anothers death, unless of course society dictates it as a punishment for heinous crimes. Yet if no one should rightfully harm you, why should you harm yourself? Ok i know i am speaking from a mostly rational standpoint here. Yet i do believe that this is the standpoint that allows us the most freedom. As emotions, although they have their role and we cant exist without them, well they are unpredictable, one day you may feel like dying and the next you feel like living. So theyre not a reliable source for reference in taking action in our own lives and the lives of others. We must balance both reason and emotion, and by so doing come up with viable solutions that will impact our lives for the greater good for ourselves and others. I want to feel triumphant in my life. Not to win so much, but just to laugh and be happy..to always have the heart of a child and never allow bitter roots to strangle it out. If we can laugh in the midst of our experience then we know we are gonna be ok. People need support when they are sad. I hope you will continue to receive enough support from the people that do care for you, so that you are able to let go of the suicide idealations. Only you can do this Jace, you know this. It is not a positive mindset to want to do this, so it can not so much be of benefit until you turn it into a postive in your life. Perhaps you can help others at some point as you will be able to wholeheartedly relate to anyone who has desires to take their life. This can be done yet Jace, you need support though it from your friends. Hope today gives you more rest and peace.

Posted by Christine on Monday, June 16, 2008 at 7:27 AM

i replied:

the heart of a child... something i was not allowed to have... i have my Legos... i have my classic Doctor Who... but i have no one to share these things with ... so i am still isolated when trying to enjoy those things. i do photography... but it's just of me. i have no one else to do it with. music: no one to share it with. people don't even like my music. i mean, that's fine if it's not their thing, but it's just another place where i'm alone.

i feel like dying every single day. especially now. i want to be as good as possible to those i care for, but in the end, they will find that i've served my purpose and they will move on. i feel like dying every day because i'm tired of what my life IS and has always been.

who do i want amends from?

The STATE.

even elise.

But mostly KUTZTOWN UNIVERSITY AND THE STATE OR FEDERAL GOVERNMENT.

i want my LIFE back. i FOUGHT to have that life. i EARNED it and it was STOLEN FROM ME in ways that violate my human rights and laws. i DESERVE to have compensation but i have no MONEY to seek it actively.

So i'm sick and i'm tired of being sick and i'm tired of being... just this.

i have so much more that i could be if it were allowed. i was there, doing it and i was horribly VIOLATED. it is more than the loss of a job or a girlfriend. MY LIFE WAS ACTIVELY DESTROYED. jefferson is the guy who introduced my to my realtor Bob Berner (a great guy)... and then, when i was in the process of buying my house, jefferson actually talked to my best co-worker about how "jace is just a kid. he doesn't know what he's doing... if he wants to go bankrupt that's his fucking problem." The man sought to ruin what i was accomplishing out of his own HATE of me for being what i am at my age when HE WASN'T what he wanted to be at my age, or didn't get to be what he WANTED to be at my age. He has several times given me "i [this or that] when i was your age. the military straightened me out... " etc.

I WAS TARGETED AND DESTROYED BY A SOCIOPATH. I WANT COMPENSATION FOR THIS CRIME.

Posted by dysamoria on Monday, June 16, 2008 at 5:07 PM

why sociopaths are cruel / why borderliners are so needy

"why are sociopaths cruel?"

the answer may be the same as the answer to the question(s):

"why are borderliners so needy? (or, why are they often serial monogamists?)"

i propose a very simple neurological hypothesis that you educated people will dismiss out of hand:

Chemical tolerance to serotonin and oxytocin (two neurotransmitters known to deal with short term and long term feelings of love, empathy and the control of obsessive compulsive traits).

It's simple: once you've been in enough situations where your body generates huge amounts of "love chemicals," only to have the source stimuli taken away toxically, you develop an addiction to the chemicals AND an aversion to the stimuli. Love is itself an addiction or OCD behavior. The more experiences you have with the stimuli coming AND GOING, the more tolerance you develop to the chemicals and their stimuli. The stimuli needs to be more powerful each time until you no longer get a response to it at all. Persons with BPD need more thrills to get the chemical high (see my blog entry titled "The Romanticized Drama of the Endgame"). Sociopaths are simply immune to the stimulus (except for extraordinary situations, such as when will jefferson had his car accident and acted like a human being for about a week and a half before becoming even worse than he was previously).

In both cases, there is no treatment unless the subject is intellectually willing and able to accept the facts and use intellect to attempt to compensate for behavioral training. Many people with BPD are right on the edge of losing that ability. i've known several women who seemed very self aware only to find that they couldn't act on their knowledge. i would imagine the case is worse for those who are totally sociopathic. Someone with BPD WANTS a better existence. Someone who's sociopathic is pathologically incapable of seeing that their existence is flawed and that they should do anything about it (everyone else is the problem, which is the declaration of most of us who have been fucked over by sociopaths and borderliners... takes one to make one, right?).

Once again, i tell you there is a connection and a CLEAR and DOCUMENTABLE PATH from autistic-spectrum disorders to Borderline Personality Disorder to Sociopathy.

Now go look at a third party who has made some similar connections (though, not as similar as i would like, why must i be a trail blazer that is ignored as ignorant??)... not the same topic, but it will serve as my REFERENCE for those of you who seem to require references in order to believe anything i say:

Read here

(thanks, Carla and Sairuh for pointing me back to things i'd discussed and thought about before but forgot about)

That's all the documentation and citation i'm giving you. i've asked doctors to work with me on doing actual research studies to validate theories of mine while they use me as a research subject and a partner and they've refused. So fuck you if you want something more academic. Click on my labels and read my other postings about sociopathy and BPD. Then do you own fucking work... and ultimately forget where the idea came to you, just like i know it will happen when the truth finally starts to seep into the minds of the collective "medical establishment." Hopefully i'll be long dead by then.

this IS the dystopia

Those of you waiting for the apocalypse or for dystopia to come knocking on your door are wearing peril-sensitive sunglasses; this IS the apocalypse. It's happening now. Every day. Every moment of each day.

We live in a "nation" divided almost in half:

• those that are intolerant racists/sexists/etc. and those who pretend not to be.
• people who do things for themselves only and those who pretend to care about others.
• them that never follow through on promises and them that come up with excuses not to.
• sociopaths that wear masks of normality and sociopaths becoming psychopaths.

We're coming towards a new "presidential voting" time where the ruling "party" that's been destroying family values (while talking about conserving them) are likely to remain in power during the next round because the "party" opposing them have chosen a woman and a non-white as their potential candidates. It almost seems designed to leave the sociopathic republic in power while being able to say "See!! SEE!!?? They're sexist racists!! How dare they do this to OUR country!"

It isn't "our country." This "country" belongs to corporations. This country belongs to the intellectually, emotionally and socially ignorant and inept. This country belongs to the complacent, the old, the cruel, the wealthy and the indifferent. This country is slowly passing on ownership to the children it has manufactured to be JUST LIKE THEIR PREDECESSORS!

This isn't even a country at war with itself. It's not fighting itself. It habitually behaves as its told and acts with response to stimuli. There's no revolution, no civil war, no dissent.

In this "country," people who know you the least are telling you who you are. People who know themselves the least are plugging their ears and burying their heads when they act with selfishness and anti-social behavior. In this "country," this collection of cranky and bitter sibling countries (wrongly referred to as "states"), we citizens are expected to not think. We're expected to not demand protection of our "rights" as they've been defined by those who withhold them.

We're not allowed to show the slightest bit of honest emotion.

We are expected to never get angry, regardless of the cause and reason.

This is the way the world ends, kids. Not with nook-yoo-lar bombs. The world ends, bit by bit, second by second, day by day as people remain complacent, learning how to have no rights and no property by decades of attrition. The world ends generation by generation as the elderly pass on their hate of the young and demand the same social foolishness that made them miserable and hateful.

This is the world ending, quietly, under the weight of your finger tips as you rant uselessly on a blog, under the weight of your ass as you watch television and are told what to think, under the weight of your complacent ignorance which terrorizes the few who think, feel and make active decisions.

This is YOUR world and you've made out of it what you have by doing NOTHING progressive or even ACTIVE.

As your world disintegrates under the weight of your selfishness, MY world is being retroactively aborted while shouting "Autism Awareness!" on billboards and bumper stickers. MY world is never to be. My world never had a chance and will never have a hope. MY world is the detritus that you leave behind for me and my mutant peers of unwealthy, disabled (by you), former middle-class losers that you have beaten and abused with your "this is just the way it is" and your "a lawyer costs [this] much in order to try fighting to protect your [god/state/federal] given rights."

Bend down, fall to your knees and pray to your gods that you may continue to reap all that you and your parents have sown until the day you die. Pray that you can hold on to the benefits of your complacency before those benefits are forgotten and history is rewritten by the corporate warriors, soldiers of legal fortune and mercenaries who's services can be retained for the right fees.

Pray that you don't live long enough to fight the battles my kind have already lost (winning lip service is an anti-victory). Pray that you die before you are held accountable by those who rewrite the rewritten history, looking to put blame anywhere but on the shoulders of the giants who dominate this corporate monster known as "The United States of America." Pray that you die before there is no more nation, or, gods forbid, blood is actually spilt en mass, by enough thousands of organized individuals for the term "civil war" to be suggested (and then tossed aside as the federal military fires upon the citizens which pay it to build weapons and provide it thrones to rule from).

Pray that you never have to live a life where the body is forced to live on after the will to live has been long since murdered.

Oh, you do that already. Those people are called the ignorant elderly and they entertain themselves by abusing disabled people.

THIS is the apocalypse. YOUR apocalyse. No zombies. No massive dollopse of ketchup. No invasions from aliens (terrestrial or non). Rarely a bomb or a bullet fired on "home soil..." it's such a damn shame letdown of an apocalypse, isn't it?

Damn you for what you've made of my world that never will be and my life that never was meant to be.