forget about drugs

in sleep, drugged even. . .
couldn't hide. these thoughts find you
and eat you alive.

----------------------------------

thoughts in swarms assault the brain, leave it spent, rent from rest no matter how much it tried to get. what IS rest? the thing you do with eyes closed, or the way you feel when you wake?

i went to bed with those thoughts that don't stop, the kind you CAN only drug away if you can even do that. and i woke to them as well. were they with me all night, or just filling in the cracks of consciousness like some sooty paste?

i got a full night's sleep, 7 hours of deep sleep from which i only woke once for the bathroom, and i feel like i've been up for days. my brain is exhausted and my muscles feel as if they have some memory of it too.

i only recently began medicating my sleep. prior to that, a night like this would have left me with no sleep and i would've blamed feeling exhausted on the lack of sleep. now what do i blame it on?

there is insight about jace in this post. for me at least. insight about how someone can sleep for 12 hours and wake up exhausted, desiring more sleep. insight that goes beyond slow wave sleep, because that's only part of the equation. insight about why medications may not work. how they can make sleep happen but maybe not rest.

medications will never make the thoughts go away. they ALWAYS come back to wage their assault. most brains eventually move on and forget as they accumulate new experiences that are more gentle on the mind. THAT is what makes the thoughts go away, or at least to go away enough to move on.

PTSD sufferers can't move on and forget. and once a person's stress tolerance is worn down to nothing, almost every new experience is potentially toxic, either toxic in its own right, or as a reminder of previous toxicity, or as something that demands hope and threatens disappointment as its reward.

here is what i believe about jace: i believe he suffered traumatic experiences all his life. they may not be experiences that would've traumatized you, but you must accept that HE felt traumatized. i believe he bore that trauma as best he could and continued on, much as i myself do. i believe a lot of shit came down on him at once, including medications he never should have been given, and it broke him. and his already troubled sleep became worse, and his days became worse, and his already troubled sleep became worse, and his days became worse, and his already troubled sleep became worse. . . do you see where i'm going with this?

it's a pebble grown to stone grown to boulder and it's running away down the hill faster and bigger and this hill is big, oh it's a fucking mountain, but it DOES have an end. and none of you are going to like it. the faster and the bigger it gets, the harder it will be to catch it. so far you've all failed miserably.

you can't do it with medication. you can't wish it away. you can't make it stop with tough love. in fact, tough love is when you try to catch it and instead you stumble and give it another good push.

you don't know what to do. you want an easy answer. i'll give it to you. this boy craves your redemption. he needs a support network. and, in my opinion, he needs help trying different non-drug-based therapies until he finds one that works for resolving some of the trauma. many people with PTSD do recover, but you're all going to wait until it's too late, aren't you? keep listening to "experts" instead of doing the research for yourselves, reading about what works and what doesn't.

forget about drugs. they aren't working. he needs to get off of them. at this point, they're just another reason to commit suicide and a weapon to try and do it with.

Asperger's Syndrome/Autism = No Rights at KU

Are you on the Autism spectrum?
Asperger's Syndrome?
You should read this. HERE

Psychopathy and Antisocial Personality Disorder: A Case of Diagnostic Confusion

Regarding: something published and apparently ignored since February 1, 1996
Psychiatric Times. Vol. 13 No. 2: http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/display/article/10168/54831

"Written by Robert D. Hare, Ph.D. Dr. Hare, who has researched psychopathy for more than 25 years, is a professor of psychology at the University of British Columbia, and was scientific director of a 1995 NATO Advanced Study Institute on Psychopathic Behavior."

i wanted to introduce the topic of Sociopathy vs. Psychopathy into the materials present in Dr. Robert Hare's writing (both his articles found on the web, such as http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/p960239.html and his own website and writings in print).

His article at http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/p960239.html is near excellent in defining some very vital reasoning on why confusion of ASPD and Psychopathy is a terrible problem. Yet, i see a terrible problem in the lack of mention of Sociopathy.

The DSM not only lumps ASPD with Psychopathy, but also does the same with Sociopathy. Sociopathy and Psychopathy ARE Anti Social Personality Disorders. More so, they DIFFER in perceptually small yet effectively VAST ways.

i was very excited to find the book "The Sociopath Next Door" by Dr. Martha Stout. i was confused when a friend read the book and found it lacking my own personal differentiation between sociopathy and psychopathy. i examined the parts she cited and felt she was indeed correct. i had lead her to a book that does not go where i thought it did and where i have been going very frequently in my attempts to educate others.

i have since located some web-based material called "The Psychopath Next Door" which is reportedly Martha Stout's website (which looks outdated and does not indicate her name). The information on this page seems VERY similar to her book. It occurred to me that the process of formalizing her writing on the topic had forced her to change from the subject of Psychopathy to Sociopathy because the people she was writing about were not murderers, cult leaders or other such common psychopathic actions. It is fortunate that she changed terms before publishing the book, but unfortunate that it does not do near as well a job as my own talks with people to define the difference between the two labels.

Most importantly, i think it is VITAL that all of this information be brought back into public discussion, form part of whatever processes involved in producing the next (unfortunately biblically followed) DSM edition, and CLARIFIED to eliminate the confusion that is growing more and more rampant.

i have a personal motivator here. i was harassed, intimidated and abused by several sociopaths. To my knowledge, they are not psychopaths. Their ASPD stops at the point where they attempt to preserve their social status and maintain their adherence to the majority of laws and social rules that would have them filtered out of society, should they break those rules and laws. i have no interest in "protecting" these people in any way (i would love to see sociopaths filtered out of society just as psychopaths tend to filter themselves out after committing crimes), but i DO see a neurological connection to two neurological/psychiatric items that do NOT deserve to be lumped into the same category as psychopaths:

1. Borderline Personality Disorder. This is largely a defensive mechanism of the human mind in response to extensive and intolerable amounts of mental (and often physical) abuse. Most typically observed in females from teenage to about 35, is the claim of much material on BPD. Noted is the "mysterious growing out of it" effect that i have read about in several published materials on BPD. i find this irresponsible and i "see" what is likely happening: BPD leads to sociopathy, if not treated, cared for or otherwise halted in its tracks.
   
   
2. BPD appears to be a VERY common comorbidity of autistic neurology in the later years (between teens and mid 30s).

You see the process i am illustrating?

High Functioning Autistic neurology leads to much social (and often physical abuse) through the "growth years" and the comorbid condition of BPD establishes a strong hold to preserve the mental integrity of the individual. A worst case scenario leads to the terminal point of BPD transitioning into Sociopathy.

In case you cannot predetermine my personal bias here, i am autistic.

My autism spectrum label would most likely be Asperger's Syndrome, but the longer i continue to combat "the system" as an individual, and combat sociopaths and "professionals," the more i am forced to wonder if i am something slightly higher functioning than the high functioning AS individual. My self awareness and intelligence has made me feel rather alienated by those AS persons i have encountered in AS communities and the "professionals" refuse to recognize me as BEING on the autism spectrum (because apparently they do not grasp that austistic children eventually GROW UP with or without a diagnosis). i did not have a diagnosis of anything until about a year ago when i pursued the diagnosis of AS through independent research and a rough time locating professionals who could see beyond their traditionally myopic perspective of only working with children.

AS, and autism in general, has many features that are similar to the criteria for ASPDs and many are perceived to BE antisocial. Worse, it seems to me, from my own personal research and experience, autistic neurology is a potential catalyst for becoming an antisocial person, a "Borderliner," Sociopath or psychopath. The determining factors seem to be nurture (positive or negative) and self awareness (though that lucidity of self awareness is questionable in terms of how it comes about and whether it can be taught or learned).

My point: Sociopaths are more dangerous than psychopaths. They do not get filtered out of society because, as many have stated, the "dog eat dog" aspects of "modern society" seem to encourage it and getting "ahead" in society seems to be enabled by the traits of sociopathy. Also, i know MANY persons with AS and BPD. None of them deserve the mistaken presumption or sloppy and incorrect diagnosis of Sociopathy or Psychopathy.

The DSM needs to be moved drastically into a "spectral" format instead of solid on and off bipolar determination. i am hoping that interaction from people such as myself with people such as the professionals "in the business" (especially those who are authoring books and being read by other professionals and students of the topics he presents) will eventually lead to a healthier DSM and better diagnostic results from the "professionals" who use the DSM as the end-all be-all bible of "mental health."

The mind is the brain. The brain is the mind. Knowing how it works, and why it works in the ways it does, is the best route to a healthier human species and human societies.

Thank you for reading this rather long message. i would like to send a copy to Dr. Robert Hare, but the website indicates a postal address only for personal correspondence. i hope that this message is a little of both; please do forward this message to him if that is possible. Otherwise, i will have to use the postal service.

-jace cavacini
dysamoria (at) dysamoria dot com
http://dysamoria.com

for jefferson

everything i touched, you broke

i admitted my admiration for you
and you broke it by taking advantage

i admitted my AS to you
and you used it as a weapon against me

i trusted you to be a friend, as you claimed to be
and you broke it into a billion little fragments of hate

i can't even email to the university
because you've poisoned me so
that my words became uncontrolled

OR your infestation of IT worked
and they did as you PRESCRIBED

everything i touched, you broke

my clients
my work
me relationships
my career

everything i touched, you broke

you're so
insecure
so afraid
so small
ignorant

controlling,
or trying to be
and failing

control

over your life
your employees
your supervisors
"human resources"
(sociopaths of a kind
you could only DREAM of being)

your wife
whom you live off of

crushing her will
to speak in public
to do anything which
you disapprove

i hope she sees you;
rotten to the core

i hope she leaves you
to drink at the television
to a downward and
deathly spiral, just
just as you deserve

the world didn't do this to you
you did this to the world
and it reciprocated.
...and you blame it for that.
fool.

your not worth the suffering
yet everything you touch, you brake.

make amends or i'm killing myself

(ADDED STUFF BELOW)
Kutztown University, will jefferson, sharon picus, margaret devlin, HR, the "Office of Social Equity," the Union and several other managerial and Union-related people destroyed my ability to lead a normal life:

• jefferson discriminated against me based on age (youth) and disability (autism).
  
• jefferson harassed me with passive-aggressive obstruction of my work, direct verbal abuse and defamation of my character and work ethic to my coworkers and management.
  
• jefferson threatened me not to speak with the union about conflicts with him.
  
• management (devlin and HR) refused to do their jobs when the abuse was brought to their attention.
  
• management (devlin and HR) harassed me directly by defamation of me to my coworkers, union and other management.
  
• HR harassed me by sending me away from work to be "examined by a psychiatrist," which was totally playing along with jefferson's fraudulent claim/defamation of me to HR and coworkers.
• management did nothing when it was made clear that jefferson was behaving with oppressive, harassing and aggressive behavior that coworkers sensed as disconcerting indicators of potential violence against me.
  
• the union did nothing to assist or advise me.
  
• a union representative advised me against filing a grievance because "it probably wont accomplish anything."
  
• another union representative advised me to "play along with management" because he'd been through a similar situation (he was brought up on drug use charges, i was being harassed by fraudulent claims made by jefferson to campus security).
  
• another union representative told me "management protects its own."
  
• the union did not represent or defend me when i was brought under charges of potential safety risk due to jefferson's fraud.
  
• the union made declarations of investigation that were not followed through with.
  
• the union management made declarations to investigate and did nothing but allow HR to waste the 15-day statute of limitations on filing grievances.
  
• the union management refused to respond to emails and phone calls.
  
• the university eliminated my job by declaring that i resigned when i had NOT done so, two days before xmas holiday.
  
• the university, the union and all people mentioned clearly acted in their own personal and managerial best interests and for their own convenience and never once attempted to resolve the real cause of the problems where they started from day one: will jefferson!

i am living in hell on earth:

• i cannot eat properly because of medications, stress, anxiety and a failing nervous system.
  
• i cannot get slow-wave sleep so my mental facilities are disintegrating.
  
• i have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, paranoia and am developing BPD in response to the abuse i've received.
  
• i have nightmares/hallucinations instead of sleep.
  
• i am extremely suicidal and feel that i have NO legal rights, protection, accommodation or even people to believe me.
  
• i am looked at as a leech on society by disability and welfare by way of continuously decreasing allotments for food and medical treatment.
  
• i am on medications that make me ill with side effects which require other medications, all of which have become physical addictions because of the nature of the medications. i can't get off of them without going through health-risking withdrawal.
  
• AmeriHealth Mercy refuses me access to the one medication that might help with my sleep disorder.
  
• i am isolated, my credit has been destroyed, i'm lonely, and no one has done ANYTHING to the criminals to have brought my life to this point.
  
• my family is suffering because of attempting to assist me while they are already suffering their own problems.

No pill and no platitudes will ever rectify the real cause of all of these problems:

MY HUMAN RIGHTS WERE VIOLATED AND NO ONE WHO'S RESPONSIBILITY IT IS TO DEAL WITH THAT FACT WILL DO SO. I AM IGNORED, DISCARDED, MARGINALIZED, REFUSED AND HARASSED BY HAVING A DIAGNOSED DISABILITY WHICH HAS BECOME 100 TIMES WORSE BECAUSE OF ABUSE FROM MY FORMER EMPLOYER, KUTZTOWN UNIVERSITY.

I WANT COMPENSATION OR I WANT DEATH. THERE IS NO ALTERNATIVE.


The Evidence, the Story, the Whole Truth


Christine said (on myspace):

You want compensation from whom? Perhaps you will receive it in another form, that is if you are open to it and to your future. We will all die soon enough. Now is not your time Jace. We did not determine our birth so the natural order of things is that we should not determine our death either. No person should ever have that much say in anothers death, unless of course society dictates it as a punishment for heinous crimes. Yet if no one should rightfully harm you, why should you harm yourself? Ok i know i am speaking from a mostly rational standpoint here. Yet i do believe that this is the standpoint that allows us the most freedom. As emotions, although they have their role and we cant exist without them, well they are unpredictable, one day you may feel like dying and the next you feel like living. So theyre not a reliable source for reference in taking action in our own lives and the lives of others. We must balance both reason and emotion, and by so doing come up with viable solutions that will impact our lives for the greater good for ourselves and others. I want to feel triumphant in my life. Not to win so much, but just to laugh and be happy..to always have the heart of a child and never allow bitter roots to strangle it out. If we can laugh in the midst of our experience then we know we are gonna be ok. People need support when they are sad. I hope you will continue to receive enough support from the people that do care for you, so that you are able to let go of the suicide idealations. Only you can do this Jace, you know this. It is not a positive mindset to want to do this, so it can not so much be of benefit until you turn it into a postive in your life. Perhaps you can help others at some point as you will be able to wholeheartedly relate to anyone who has desires to take their life. This can be done yet Jace, you need support though it from your friends. Hope today gives you more rest and peace.

Posted by Christine on Monday, June 16, 2008 at 7:27 AM

i replied:

the heart of a child... something i was not allowed to have... i have my Legos... i have my classic Doctor Who... but i have no one to share these things with ... so i am still isolated when trying to enjoy those things. i do photography... but it's just of me. i have no one else to do it with. music: no one to share it with. people don't even like my music. i mean, that's fine if it's not their thing, but it's just another place where i'm alone.

i feel like dying every single day. especially now. i want to be as good as possible to those i care for, but in the end, they will find that i've served my purpose and they will move on. i feel like dying every day because i'm tired of what my life IS and has always been.

who do i want amends from?

The STATE.

even elise.

But mostly KUTZTOWN UNIVERSITY AND THE STATE OR FEDERAL GOVERNMENT.

i want my LIFE back. i FOUGHT to have that life. i EARNED it and it was STOLEN FROM ME in ways that violate my human rights and laws. i DESERVE to have compensation but i have no MONEY to seek it actively.

So i'm sick and i'm tired of being sick and i'm tired of being... just this.

i have so much more that i could be if it were allowed. i was there, doing it and i was horribly VIOLATED. it is more than the loss of a job or a girlfriend. MY LIFE WAS ACTIVELY DESTROYED. jefferson is the guy who introduced my to my realtor Bob Berner (a great guy)... and then, when i was in the process of buying my house, jefferson actually talked to my best co-worker about how "jace is just a kid. he doesn't know what he's doing... if he wants to go bankrupt that's his fucking problem." The man sought to ruin what i was accomplishing out of his own HATE of me for being what i am at my age when HE WASN'T what he wanted to be at my age, or didn't get to be what he WANTED to be at my age. He has several times given me "i [this or that] when i was your age. the military straightened me out... " etc.

I WAS TARGETED AND DESTROYED BY A SOCIOPATH. I WANT COMPENSATION FOR THIS CRIME.

Posted by dysamoria on Monday, June 16, 2008 at 5:07 PM

the fuckers win again: nightmares, sleep seizures

all of the stress caused by the recent topics below lead me to hours of undrugged, exhausted sleep where i had nightmares unending, paralysis and seizure activity. my existence is torture and the blame goes to all of the various motherfuckers listed below this posting on into the last three years. when do i get my relief and my payback for suffering your fucking sociopathic society's abuse??

To: board.directors@covidien.com, investor.relations@covidien.com, wayde.mcmillan@covidien.com, cole.lannum@covidien.com, david.young@covidien.com, grants.administrator@covidien.com, "Spencer, Gina"
Date: May 30, 3:50am.

i just spent the last several hours suffering nightmares, not resting, and ending up with a sleep seizure because of the compounded stresses of having to deal with your lousy company and people like mr. joe doria for far too long.

your organization is sociopathic. it has no moral or ethical responsibility. it's all talk and will talk and lawyer its way out of any responsibility of any kind. corporate entities like covidien are a cruel joke and cancer on society itself.

stop claiming to care when all that really matters to your corporation is money and disclaiming all responsibility for its actions.

your company, and the rest of the abusers i've suffered my 32 years of autistic life owe me millions in compensation. instead, you just legalese and BS your way through everything.

law should put your business down permanently.
you should be ashamed from the highest levels to the bottom.

-jace cavacini
victim of abuse since childhood, soon to be dead from it.

and fuck the rest of you [EDITED]

While i'm at it, fuck you tinawhore, pretentious and arrogant kristin, jana-brat, judy-sociopath, dana-sociopath, lynette-borderliner, john-arrogantfuck married to arrogant-fuck-tammy. fuck my family for never listening to me, fucking ever, child or adult. fuck my "friend and boss" will-fucking-sociopath-jefferson, fuck the evil HR director sharon-fucking-sociopath-picus at KU, the entire kutztown university board, my other sociopathic and immoral employers such as NCC, buckeye pipeline company and daytimers ... and all you fuckers who treated me like shit in grade school for nearly 10 years. fuck you to all the "teachers," the friends who didn't do shit for me but but demanded i do for them, that i change to suit them. fuck you to the arrogant, fucking ignorant doctors, hospitals, psychiatrists, counselors (hello bradly and mr. never have anything to say after weeks of me talk talk talking and EDUCATING YOUR IGNORANT ASS [Dr. Nathan Wagner]), fuck the worthless, addicting medications and the motherfucking companies which made them for profit only. fuck you, john and tammy, for getting me started on fucking medication that doesn't do fucking shit but make me a fucking junkie. fuck you to the organizations that claim to be there for people like me. autism groups, autism activism, autism FOR CHILDREN. FUCK YOUR CHILDREN. i was a child once, you know? WHAT THE FUCK DID I GET? FUCKING ABUSE! "bad attitude" "misbehavior" "doesn't live up to his potential" "talks in class" "doesn't participate" WELL FUCK YOU, SALISBURY SCHOOL SYSTEM!!!!!!!!!!

fuck you to america, the shining shit of ignorance. fuck the medical industry that believes AS only exists in children. fuck you to the worthless lies of the "US Constitution" ... the fucking useless united states of fucking america. FUCK THIS COUNTRY AND ITS LIES. racist, money-worshipping, whores of god. "for god you crawl over the bodies of the dead and in [the name of] god you murder."

i still can't get any of you out of my blood because i REMEMBER and i KNOW WHAT YOU ALL ARE. blame me, the fucking retard WHO SEES WHAT YOU REALLY ARE, YOU COMPLACENT AND SELFISH FUCKS. yes, call me the autistic retard who can't be normal like you selfish, apathetic fucks. put a fucking gun to my fucking brain stem and END ME NOW, you murderous fucking cunts.

hear me, you redneck "conservative" republican shitheads? COME KILL ME, YOU IGNORANT REDNECK RACIST GOD FUCKING PIECES OF SHIT!!!!!!!! FUCK YOUR GODS, FUCK YOUR BIBLES, FUCK YOUR JESUSES, FUCK ALL YOUR 2000+ YEARS OF POLITICAL, RACIST, ABUSIVE BULLSHIT. WORSHIP YOUR PILES OF MONEY AND YOUR THRONES, SAFE AWAY FROM THE CRIME YOU CREATE, THE WARS YOU START, AND THE REALITY YOU CAN'T COMPREHEND. WORSHIP YOUR SHIT. WORSHIP YOUR STOCKS, YOUR BANK ACCOUNTS, YOUR BACKBITING. WORSHIP YOUR SEMEN STAINED BIBLES. YOUR RIGHTIOUSNESS. YOUR POWER OVER OTHERS! YOU FUCKING HYPOCRITES OF THE HIGHEST POWER.

FUCK YOURSELVES TO DEATH AND GO TO THE GATES OF YOUR MASTURBATORY HEAVEN WHERE ONLY YOUR KIND ARE WELCOME TO BE FUCKED BY GOD AND HIS FUCKING WHOREY ANGELS! WORSHIP WORSHIP WORSHIP.

FUCK YOU, GREATEST OF ALL, FOR TREATING ME LIKE ALL THIS FUCKING DAMAGE IS MY OWN FUCKING FAULT!

if they could see what we look like on the inside, maybe they would stop hurting us

not just autistics.
everyone.

because everyone has some kind of hurt.

the trouble is, most people use it as an excuse to not give a damn about the next person. most people will take any opportunity to stratify the smallest collection of humans so as to float up top, while the rest suffocate beneath them.

give empathy and kindness.
sure, you might not get it in return.
actually, the way i see most people, you probably wont.

but it beats the alternative; giving cruelty will do everyone more harm than the minuscule and petty "good" you mistakenly think your cruelty will do for you.

they are you,
you are they.
divided we stand,
together we fall.

fact. not fiction.
if you have the foresight and intelligence to grasp it.

warning: you may be dangerous to the person sitting next to you

You never considered that, did you? You don't live in your own private world. Your actions affect others. You may think that "being anti-social" means a person is unwilling to socialize... You're wrong, if so. If you've ever been called anti-social by a doctor, therapist or your kids (and if they know what they're talking about), it means that you have behaviors which disrupt the systems that make societies possible. It means that your behavior threatens the fabric of society itself. It means this: you're toxic. Maybe even outright dangerous.

BPD, sociopathy, psychopathy... barely acknowledged by "modern medicine..." These topics are "defined" by political works of reference, which are created by politicized committees, which are made up of people focused on their own agendas. Does that sound social to you?

What "the establishment" seems blind to when they define these dangerous behaviors are things such as simple arrogance, elitism, racism and ignorance. It's all defective behavior and it all endangers the fabric of society. Some of it has the label of "anti-social personality disorder" and is possibly "medicated" or "advised." The rest of it is considered "bad attitude" or "difference of opinion" and goes unchecked, unfiltered and largely without limitation because it isn't perceived as dangerous (or "deviant," but even the people who own deviantart.com seem to be utterly, and absurdly, ignorant about what the word "deviant" actually means).

Yes, the delimiter is the perception of "danger to others." Freedom of speech is protected as a right. Supposedly. Hate speech is not protected and can be found illegal, depending on the form. Does that logically mean that racists who openly "express their opinions" about other people are breaking the law? No. Some racists even manage to have their "freedom of speech" protected by the law... enabling them to wear culturally offensive "uniforms" (many with hoods for the protection of anonymity) and collect in "peaceful demonstration" of their intolerance of other human beings.

Confused? i sure am. But hey, i'm just a stupid autistic "kid" (i'm 32, you moron).

But wait... go back to that whole "Dangerous" bit... The anti-social "KKK" marchers who are "peacefully demonstrating" their hate... well, they aren't hurting anyone, are they? Is there any assault or even name calling? Maybe not, but what would you feel like if their "presentation" was a veiled suggestion that people like YOU should be legally enslaved or "deported" like your great grandfather/mother? Does that hurt you?

What is "hurt??" Is that the same thing you feel when you're assaulted physically??

i'll help clear that up in a moment. First, consider this:

A psychopath is clearly dangerous to individuals, should one determine he/she feels like killing or maiming other human beings or being "cruel" to animals (yet, a dog's owner is legally allowed to murder it, as long as it isn't done in a "cruel" way).

What about the girl with BPD who causes emotional trauma to person after person after person, out of sheer paranoia and self interest? The trail of ruined hearts and minds left in their wake is not worth consideration?? What about the ignorant university employees who pass judgment on, and are complacent about the harassment of, a person with autism, resulting in the unjust loss of that autistic person's job? (yeah, that's me, the autistic person, could you guess?)

What about the company executive (seemingly clearly sociopathic, to me) who allows the deaths of hundreds, or even thousands, at the failure of a product he/she is responsible for because of a "cost/risk analysis?" What about the responsibility-free individuals that make up a government which instructs its teenage military to wage war on others for... what were those wars about, again? Certainly not about spreading peace, human dignity, "democracy" or any other pretty words...

Why do these people remain free to repeat and continue their damage? Are they invisible? Excusable?? Psychopaths do tend to make themselves known, eventually, and it is harder to ignore them... but the others... the BPD girl, the corporate executive, the murderous war monger... they aren't at all invisible. Killing and destruction of societies, en mass... yet they go largely unchallenged. There's a lot of talk, when something manages to become a "controversy," but who is ultimately held accountable? Anyone at all? Is there REALLY a "court of public opinion" when most citizens of this nation (and others) are complacent, apathetic and callous to the suffering of ... the human being next to them?

i ask "Why do they remain free when the psychopaths are jailed and removed from society?"

i'll tell you why: Definitions.

Nothing more.

That sociopathic company man, supervisor or president of the USA go unchallenged because the law (obeyed or not) does not recognize them as being dangerous to society or individuals in that society. It's incredible, when you look at the actual details instead of the distractions.

What about you? Are you a contributor to peace and harmony or a bringer of chaos and distress? Does it please you to please others or does it please you to play political games? You know... shift and manipulate power structures to benefit your own personal agenda. Do you like that? Do you openly admit to it? That's bold of you...

Reality Check:

Next time you "go about your business," maybe you should take a moment to consider if YOU are hazardous to someone else's health and well being.

Are you a corporate lackey who's "just following instructions?" Are you an abusive sociopath thinking you're "just a demanding manager?" Is your spouse trapped by your intimidation, belittlement, passive-aggressive manipulation, paranoia and inflexibility? Are you a military general who's "just following orders?" Do you think you're "just having a little harmless fun with friends" when you joke at the expense of another person (a stranger or a "friend")? Are you cruel, callous, racist, arrogant or maybe "taking some extra latitude" and abusing your authority?

Are you, perhaps...

... a total asshole?

kutztown threats

yes, KU called the police to my house once again. i opened the window and i stood my fucking ground because i know my goddamned rights and they have to be careful. they kept trying to get me to the door to talk. i know that trick. they threatened to call crisis intervention. i stood my motherfucking ground.

and here's anothe fuckin' picture

william fucking jefferson, sharon fucking picus

YOU FUCKING OWE ME, YOU BLOOD SUCKING SOCIOPATHIC FUCKS! jace cavacini is a HUMAN BEING WITH RIGHTS which YOU VIOLATED

YOU OWE ME MILLIONS!!!!

madness or death

you're all culpable because you do nothing.
if i was a black/hispanic, pregnant, wheelchair-bound single mother,
someone would speak up for me.

but i'm just a worthless "white male" with no rights.
i only have a disability when you use it against me.

you're all culpable.
employers, friends, co-workers, lovers, family, doctors...

madness or death.
which is your preference for me?

you all did your part;
victimizers, blaming the victim.

gossip, office politics, and bastards like jefferson
who admit to enjoying the politicking.

you owe me a life,
what you took from me,
i want it back.

or i want nothing at all.

give me the resources to live,
or allow me to die with dignity.


the truth is here
and no one gives a shit


"bullying isn't illegal."
- Sharon Picus, KU HR Manager

not looking forward

this is what "new year's" means to me. the painful passage of time. entropy. memories of what was, what could have been, what wasn't and will never be. loss, failure, ruined potential.

new year [x] not looking forward [x] the past gets worse each year [x] past [x] present [x] future [x] purgatory [x] failure [x] loss [x] loneliness [x] alone [x] lost [x] adrift [x] loved from a distance [x] separate [x] not enough to live on [x] not enough human contact [x] desire [x] hope [x] wishes [x] wants [x] needs [x] missing things [x] missing sensations [x] more of the same [x] i hate this holiday [x] drug me through it [x] visit me [x] spend the time with me [x] hate this holiday with me [x] watch DVDs with me [x] desperate [x] loser [x] desperate male loser [x] autism [x] Asperger's Syndrome [x] nothing new will come of this [x] i am alone [x] bankruptsy [x] disaster [x] money means nothing except paying for my rights [x] i have no rights [x] beautiful women don't need me [x] beautiful women aren't usually kind women [x] another year after the destruction of my life [x] another year counted after disasters [x] women [x] monsters [x] selfishness [x] girls [x] they ruin me and i still want them [x] i'm fucking stupid [x] jana [x] elise [x] judy [x] dana [x] sairuh [x] "the phone sex terrorists" [x] all of them [x] ruiners [x] and here i am, wanting and alone [x] stupid fucking autistic boy [x] his beauty doesn't matter [x] his love doesn't matter [x] (nor his ability to love) his mind doesn't matter [x] his heart doesn't matter [x] his flesh doesn't matter [x] his sex doesn't matter [x] burn it all [x]

it hurts like a lover who has just told you that she/he is leaving you.

i was free of it for about six years, but my "life mate" was really a "opportunist" and i really had nothing in the end.

elise promised... oh how she promised and promised... and she ditched me a week before even SEEING me.

it hurts, but you can't reach in and fix it, remove it, tear it out, tear it up, burn it... the only thing that seems to help is to tear up the flesh on the outside... but that's just a distraction.

the credit card companies have caught up now, as they were about to, anyway. now comes the next exciting chapter of: living the life of a loser.

but, i remind you: i did not choose this.

but i do choose to end it my own way. if it's clear that there's no reason to go on, i will do it myself. i will not be driven to hospital (where they only hurt you and then send you bills). i will not be forced from my home.

the people who did this to me have been named.

none of them give a fuck.

jana doesn't care.
elise doesn't care.
judy and dana surely don't care.
sairuh thinks she cares, but her actions prove she does not.

my former employers don't care.
my former boss is a sociopathic asshole without remorse or honor.
he doesn't care.


Kutztown University - The Truth - Working in hell - Revised 12-27-07 213pm.pdf

the only people who care are the ones who can do nothing.

the end days

days, hours
months, or
something

these are the end days
my end days, for your fun
now i will push as far as i can

there's not much left to do
nor give, 'sides my heart,
with its wretched limits, too

so, push
shove
crawl right up in my face

i owe you the blood
the pain
and tears

wasted on you

all my strain was for you
if you care
which you don't

so

suckle right up till the white
becomes red
empty me out, and be fed

these are the end days
of a battle i never embraced
it's your fantasy, to rule or destroy

and you have done to me
the worst of both worlds

so push, crawl, shove,
and with teeth, be sure to chew and injest
infest your distress upon me

these are my end days
closer than i hoped they would be
and oh so much more real, now

but i know i was better than you
oh i know i was much better than most

well...

i know i was much better than you.

Kutztown University - The Truth - Working in hell - Revised 12-27-07 213pm.pdf

there is always more, this time it's MINE

updated, 3:50am, December 27th, 2007, because i cannot sleep or rest. wonder why.

Kutztown University - The Truth - Working in hell - Revised 12-27-07 213pm.pdf

"If you come at me with any union shit, i'm gonna fight you on it."
- will jefferson, prior to signing my "end of probation period" at KU.

"Your work is fine, but frankly your attitude stinks."
- will jefferson, 3rd, January 2006

jefferson: "I don't want your attitude driving clients away..."
ME: "Wait a minute... Who have i driven away?"
jefferson: "I mean, you walk around here with a black cloud over your head.."
[i had been broken up by a 7-year relationship, starting to be screwed by a six month heart-rapist, and was being bullied by my boss, yet i remained quite kind, generous and light hearted around my clients]
ME: "Will, i'm really concerned about what you just said. Have i driven clients away?"
[more stammering and avoiding the direct question, which i had to repeat]
[long pause, tugging on his throat, jefferson not making eye contact, and then:]
jefferson: [stammering] "well, Jace, not YET!"
ME: [incredulous] "Not YET???" [i was being berated for something i had not done]
jefferson: "Don't you raise your voice at me" [as though i were his child]
- same date as above

i gave up a pre-approved vacation of about a week and three days because elise dicked out on me. i decided i might as well stay at work and help out during some transitions and, you know, be a team player. The response i got was a very quick and unexcited "Gee, thanks, we could really use you around here."

Was this even considered when jefferson was complaining about my attendance? Was this considered when i was staying late to finish work, help clients, clean up or otherwise take some pressure off of the work load (since he didn't like my "productivity").... never once mentioned. Not One Time.

"i saw you staring out the window at the stairwell..."
- Dean Margaret Devlin, after some social gathering that i was going back down stairs afterward. To which i ask: SO FUCKING WHAT?? Lets pass social and personality judgments on the guy who is taking a moment to look at what's outside. That IS the point of a window, right??

"i think that some of this is the depression."
- Devlin, after explaining my frustration with jefferson and her responding by referring to something i never told her nor anyone else. Depression is like the mark of satan, apparently.

"Frankly, i'm frustrated with BOTH of you."
- Dean Devlin, being "fair" after i confronted her about jefferson's continued abuse. Previously, she had the gall to put her arm around my shoulder and tell me to just keep quiet and keep doing my good work and all would be fine.

"Why is it that you were supportive of me earlier on but now the same things jefferson is saying are coming out of your own lips?"
- Me to Dean Devlin. No Response except an embarrassed and pissed look and body language that indicated the discussion was over. i said "This is obviously useless," and walked out of her office.

"Bullying isn't illegal"
- sharon picus, HR, when i told her about jefferson's abuse of me, when she sent me away to be inspected by SEAP, further playing jefferson's game of psychological harassment of me, to drive me out of the workplace.

Don't EVER try to be a team player. Not ever.

the police are just a way to unload guilt and responsibility

don't send them to my house again. Kutztown owes me a year+ of income AND millions in compensation for emotional suffering. send THAT instead.

Kutztown University is to blame for ruining my life, not me. You OWE me. Certainly a FUCKLOAD MORE than sending the police to my house, as non-invasive as they were this time.

Maybe you should READ the actual information i sent instead of doing petty guilt-avoidance bullshit. Anyone can make up words and interpretations, but it takes a real person with attention to detail to get the fucking message. For example, ONCE AGAIN, there was no "threat to kill myself." Stop fabricating fucking lies and start dealing with the truth. You ruined my life. You've killed me. That's on you. You simply have no intention of doing shit about it to make amends.

i was actually sleeping, believe it or not (and the police were cognizant of that, too). Next time send what you owe me: the income you would not let me make, plus compensation for ruining my life.

read the PDF. Examine the truth. i did not state i was going to kill myself. i stated that i am dead and that it is my former employers' fault. But you just don't get it do you? Send the police so you can shed any sense of responsibility you might have for a fleeting moment? Grow up and read what's in front of your face. But no, that's not the KU way.

Kutztown University - The Truth - Working in hell - Revised 12-27-07 213pm.pdf

Merry holidays and happy xmas to those of you who know the truth and respect it; you're loved for your integrity.

The rest of you, have a bad holiday. May strangers and their children and pets give you dirty looks and point fingers at you. May the world know that your reading comprehension stinks and that you have no fear, empathy, heart or soul.... not even during the holidays. Yes, this is 12 months later.... 12 months since you FIRED me.

I DID NOT RESIGN.

- jace cavacini, former employee of KU, who was quite happy to do good work there, was told how great he was by his clients, yet was driven off with violent abuse because other people's egos couldn't handle his nature and refused to accommodate his disability when he revealed it in hopes of improving understanding.

The only thing that matters at KU is gossip and ass-covering.

"Bullying isn't illegal"
- sharon picus, HR, when i told her about jefferson's abuse of me

THAT, is the KU way.

hell is just a word

Kutztown University - The Truth - Working in hell - Revised 12-27-07 213pm.pdf












"Bullying isn't illegal"
- sharon picus, KU HR

discovering the reality of will jefferson

reviewing offered info from Relationshop lead me to a website that had this to say in a list of bullying misconceptions:

"Why can't victims deal with bullying? They're grown-ups, aren't they?

From working on and liaising with over 10,000 cases of workplace bullying I am constantly amazed at the resourcefulness, innovativeness, flexibility, determination and stamina shown by targets of abuse. The turning point in each case comes when the target finally realises they're not dealing with a normal human being like themselves, but with a dysfunctional, disordered individual who exploits a system which favours perpetrators who excel in deceiving HR and management."
- http://www.bullyonline.org

Dead straight. After three workplaces and many years working for and around the creature called "will jefferson" ... i finally saw the light. The light of realization. i had to be driven off in tears by that man twice to figure it out. To see that things were NOT RIGHT. That HE is not right.

The turning point for my ability to cope with his sociopathy was when i finally realized that i was not dealing with a normal human being, but with someone who had a fucked-up world-view and who was exploiting the system that favours his kind... and that system ran me to my death at KU. It even came down to institutional bullying. They are the single most responsible party for my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

To quote the HR manager Sharon Picus at KU: "Bullying isn't illegal."

Well, ain't that just a great way of admitting that she had no ethical or moral stand unless legally compelled to have one. "Fuck YOU," i say.

i live with these moments on a daily basis. they do not go away. go read more about it if you like... know what i went through. Know what that institution allows and encourages. To quote the email signature line of an aware co-worker in the library "if you permit it, you promote it."

You Have No Rights

i've been on the inside. Where the company is the state and the state is the company. i've been victimized by a sociopathic supervisor and his sociopathic boss, the dean of our particular part of the university. i've watched as one of the only females of colour on the staff were harassed and gossipped about, including by the bosses. i've listened to the stories of a woman who worked there for 15 years and was harassed by her supervisor and a co-worker. i've attempted to communicate with the so-called "Office of Social Equity." i've been ill-advised and outright lied to by superiors. i've had Human Resources people lie to my face and intimidate me for the interests of my sociopathic boss. i've seen them become more adversarial as i demanded proof for their claims and none was to be found. i've jumped through the hoops, as advised by Union representatives who have never once been the same individual, never once had the correct details and never once cared to do their jobs (being, to represent my rights as an employee in the state of PA to have a non-hostile work environment). i've seen the union do the same for others, though "doing" is too active a word for such a passive union of mouths without legs. i've watched my parent, with aid of a lawyer and frustrating lack of cooperation with the EEOC and doctors unwilling to get involved in hospital politics, fight a battle they had no chance at winning, after my mother was harassed and intimidated out of her job. i've had other hospital workers acknowledge that hospitals are one of the last places employees can expect to have their rights protected. i've paid for products that did not work as advertized. i've paid for services severed under false claims. i've been laid off, fired and blacklisted. i've even been abducted by the county by a hospital with emergency room staff that had zero interest in paying attention to the people brought into it.

i've seen and been through all this, and more. i've reported it to authorities only to find the authorities do not care, have no motivation to do anything or are part of the problem (and disinterest automatically makes any authority figure part of the problem). i've blogged it, posted it, reported on it ad nausium. The most common response is "Chill out, why do you care? Go somewhere better."

Here's the hard truth about your rights: You have none.

There is one exception/conditional/variable that can affect this:

Someone with the motive and power to defend you. If you have that, you might have rights.

Without that, and, by union acknowledgement (and my friends' and parents' personal experiences), without the money to buy that person's motivation to defend you, you functionally have no rights. Forget laws. Forget the EEOC. Forget the BBB. Forget state, federal or local law. Forget diversity. Forget human rights advocacy organizations. Forget the Constitution. Forget it all.

In this nation, and maybe in many other places throughout the world (influenced by USAmerican economics or not), you only have as much protection as you have power and influence... or connection to it.

You will hear otherwise. You will hear about democracy, constitutional rights, diversity, representatives, laws and freedom... you will hear about god. You will hear much propaganda and be handed many insubstantial plattitudes. You will be told where to go, how to feel, what to think and what should matter. In the end, if you demand proof of your rights, if you demand your rights be protected and acted on, you will be called a complainer, whiner, abuser of the system, someone looking for a free ride, too sensitive, not-a-team-player, inflexible, unAmerican, a socialist, a social paracite, wasting everyone's tax dollars, and/or other insults-intended.

When you go to vote (and you do vote, right?), you will be wasting your time and your effort because your vote does not count. (but you should still vote because it's a civic duty... like overthrowing an unjust governing body used to be a civic duty... and it's a right, just like your right to bear arms with which to... hang in a room and admire, and ocassionally fire at select animals at select times of the year, or show off at a firing range with your buddies, to give yourself a feeling of power when you are, in fact, quite impotent to affect the world around you).

No doubt my opinion is not shared by all... but the interesting thing is, my opinion is becoming more and more prolific throughout the world, especially when expressed about the USA. No doubt i will be harassed for expressing these thoughts... by people who's opinions differ. Not because i'm particularly wrong, but because they feel it is their duty (civic or holy) to correct me without proof, to correct me with memes that they don't really understand intellectually but which seem to sound good, and probably with as insubstantial and insulting language as possible. Don't forget the threats from Republicans (who either believe all the nonsense because they have power, or believe it because they want power), the gun owners and the racists... as well as the even slightly more uncomfortable threats of being loved by strangers even though i am wrong.

By posting this, i am demonstrating that my "Right to free speech" means nothing without the power to make people defend that right, defend my speech, protect it from deletion by special interest groups or corporations.

This posting, in essence, means nothing and will accomplish nothing. So why bother?

It's the only right i have the power to exercise.

Even at that, it still isn't much; i'm using a commercial entity to exercise this so-called right. Like everything else, all it takes is a quick click by the uncaring and disagreeable, and it will be gone.

i have no rights because no one cares to defend them.

How secure do you believe YOU are?

.