Shadow Syndromes: Reviewer Gets It

on amazon.com a few weeks ago, i read a particularly well-written review of the book Shadow Syndromes: The Mild Forms of Major Mental Disorders That Sabotage Us. *

the reviewer uses this text and his own experiences to write a good critique of the confining DSM classifications and to provide a realistic view of brain complexity that argues for spending more time treating patient's symptoms and less on figuring out which box(es) they fit into. his analysis (and more fundamentally, that of the book's author) illustrates the dangers of not doing so. please read.

"Shadows Syndromes is a worthy read, in that it does a good job of highlighting the major disconnect between diagnostic categories and reality. While the DSM model has its uses (research and billing being the only two I can think of right now), it also serves to reify the notion that mental illnesses are precise, discreet disorders. Any one with an ounce of clinic experience will tell you that real cases don't fit neatly into categories. The diagnostic questions sometimes help think through and organize the presenting concerns, signs and symptoms. But often the debate over whether someone is suffering from a pure mood disorder versus PTSD versus character pathology serves as a distraction. Or , another classic example: spinning wheels arguing whether a patient is an addict with psychiatric symptoms secondary to drug abuse or are they actually someone with a primary psychiatric diagnosis who is using substances to self-medicate their mental illness. It's a meaningless exercise based on an overly simplistic model. But that one does matter because insurance companies consider one of those scenarios worth paying to treat and the other worthy only of their contempt.

In reality, just like any other organ in the body, the brain mediates a number of functions. It is responsible for mood regulation, memory, sustaining attention, shifting attention, interpreting social cues, integrating sensory information, regulating motivation of all manner of behaviors, and impulse control, to name a few. We all have various strengths and weaknesses, and we all fall somewhere on a bell-shaped curve for performance of each of these various tasks. People who shake out on the extremes ends in one particular area probably look like textbook definitions of specific illnesses (a "pure" mood disorder with no other comorbidities). That's rare. Looking at it even just from this sort of statistical model, one would expect that, for any given disorder, the number of people who unmistakably qualify for a specific diagnosis would be just a fraction of those who almost qualify. These "subclinical" cases are what Drs. Ratey and Johnson refer to as "shadow syndromes." They go a step further and assert that these people actually suffer more from mental illness, because they slip through the cracks. They are not quite sick enough to find themselves needing treatment, but they are impaired by their symptoms.

It's an important perspective that is explained in simple, readable terms in the first part of the text. The second part then breaks the shadow syndromes down into specific "mild" mental illnesses based on the traditional categories. So just imagine how densely the comorbidities can layer now. Is there anyone motivated to pick up this book that won't conclude that they have masked depression, are slightly bipolar, have a subthreshold intermittent rage disorder, mild attention deficit disorder, a touch of "autistic echoes" and are a shadow addicts? Then what are the implications? Does everyone need to be in therapy? Does everyone need to be on a finely tuned psychopharmacological regimen and a behavior plan?

I recommend this book, I think it's well-written and thought provoking. It does succeed in explaining complex issues in a way that is understandable to people outside the field without being simplistic or dull to people within the field. That's a tough line to walk. And I like the emphasis on blurry boundaries to disorders, and the overall message of understanding how your brain works, what your relative strengths and weaknesses are and how to make the best of things. But I worry that the take-home message for many will be to feel these diagnostic categories expanding, billowing out of their margins, pathologizing every aspects of our humanity as it envelopes us. While it gets at the true complexity of these disorders, it also does so with the bias that mental illness primarily a Biological phenomenon. Perhaps this is to combat social stigma and people's assumptions that these deficiencies are due to personal weakness (or- just as damaging- all to be blamed on bad mothering). Or perhaps, it's that, as we learn more about these disorders (which we are doing at a rapid rate thanks to the new abundance of genetic data and advances in brain scanning that lets investigators see brain regions light up as they work), we learn more about the biological aspects, since that is what we are looking for and trained to interpret. So, now the authors expand the scope of these diagnoses and therefore lead us to the conclusion that more people could benefit from psychopharmacologic treatments. It's a nice book to recommend to your patients if you take only self-pay patients and only do psychopharm visits. But it skims over the real beauty of psychiatry, the reason it is the most intellectually challenging field in medicine and the most rewarding specialty to practice, which is the multifactorial, composite nature of everything our brain is and does at any moment. No doubt the genetics shape the brain, as does the metabolic and endocrine factors in the uterine environment during development, as does nutritional factors, and then near infinite environemental variables acting constantly on each individual. From things as foundational as the fit in temperament between primary caregiver and baby, all the way out to religion and culture. From the preconscious memories of the earliest childhood experiences all the way out to this morning's headline news.

You can take the best brain in the world, if there is such a thing, but I guarantee the individual possessing it will be no healthier than the families, systems, and societies they inhabit.

So thumbs up for a great read, and a perspective that broadens our view of the mind and mental illness. Too bad they interpret the new landscapes with tunnel vision, but it's to their credit that they left me wanting more. "

*note that i haven't read Shadow Syndromes (although i'd like to at least skim it sometime soon).

Adults Terrified of Autistic Children?

This was posted as a comment on NowPublic in response to Jace's article about Sociopathy and Psychopathy (here):

"Patricia Dascher (not verified)
at 20:29 on October 8th, 2008

I am searching for help for my nephew. His mother died last year. Her adopted son, Zac, did not seem to have any feelings during the months she suffered and died of cancer. He was obsessed with his friends, football and school. I was with my brother and Tammy throughout the time she was dying. No one could have been a more compassionate husband in caring for his wife. And no mother and father could have been more dedicated to their son than Tammy and Randy. They were at every game and school function for Zac there was. Tammy became a teacher's aid to make sure Zac who is Aspergers did OK in school. She was there for him.

Yet throughout the time she was dying, he showed no love, emotion or feelings for her. He was totally into himself. He spent a lot of time on the computer. At that time he took his dad's credit card and orders hundreds of dollars worth of sports equipment. No guilt. Only anger that his parents were upset about it and grounded him from the computer.

After his mom died he wrote a eulogy that brought everyone to tears. This is the boy that showed no emotion while she was alive. His friend stood up with him when he read his eulogy and everyone cried for Zac.

Six months later Zac wrote a eulogy for his dad and posted it on the internet. He then tried to poison his father. He was put in a psychiatric hospital and then in the county jail. His dad got a lawyer and got him out of jail. I took my nephew in since he can't live with my brother, his father any more. He is on probation.

He shows no guilt. What is the difference between a psychopath, sociopath and aspergers?"

I posted the following comment as a follow-up, hoping it would help Patricia:

This is disturbing. Thank you for writing. I will try to differentiate between sociopathy and psychopathy first, as the DSM and most people of authority WONT (and don't know how to [or why it's important to do so]).

- Sociopath's do not typically actively participate directly in the physical harm of others. Sociopathy is an anti-social personality disorder. Read the flawed but accessible "The Sociopath Next Door" by Martha Stout. She does not distinguish between Sociopathy and Psychopathy very well, as it seems to have been a late revision to the book (seemingly previously titled "The Psychopath Next Door," according to web research on Stout and the book). The book is very good at describing and giving examples of sociopathy. Sociopaths try very hard to APPEAR to fit social norms, but this is paranoia and a way of hiding their true motivations: everything they do is a game for themselves to win over others. They tend to stop at direct physical assault (meaning they don't commit murder or cause physical injuries to people, but the psychological damage they do is worse since it's hidden). Sociopaths also may indirectly cause damage, death and other openly malignant effects by way of their antipathetic business decisions. Example: the sociopathic behavior of car companies which do cost analyses on which is more expensive: fixing a known dangerous defect, or dealing with the expected legal compensation the resulting injuries/deaths will cause. They choose the least expensive (more profit bearing) option. This is indirect murder. But you are unlikely to see a sociopath actually, in person, physically injure or assault someone other than their family members (and in those cases, it is in rage and often carefully done to avoid detection by outsiders). I argue that sociopaths do more damage to society because they are rarely, if ever, filtered out like psychopaths tend to be.

- Psychopathy is a related anti-social personality disorder which looks and behaves just like sociopathy with the very important difference that a psychopath is assured of their invulnerability and feels no need to hide their "grandeur" from seeing eyes. Psychopaths will not put out the same effort as a sociopath to APPEAR to fit the social norms. Like a sociopath, everything a psychopath does is a game for their own benefit and amusement. They are not insecure or paranoid like a sociopath. A psychopath WILL resort to direct actions of violence, instructing others to commit violence for them or doing it themselves. This is why they tend to get filtered out of society. In the end, the damage they do is horrific, but it's on a really small scale (with the exceptions of cult leaders who kill their followers in suicide orders).

A sociopath may become a psychopath. There is not much existing data to specify why or how, but it likely depends on the following:

- How successful is the sociopath? If VERY successful, they develop more delusions of security and invulnerability.

- How psychologically damaged is the sociopath from childhood? If there is extreme damage, sociopathy is merely a stage on the road to psychopathy.

Here comes the scary part. The origin of both of these personality disorders, and this is NOT and assessment you will find elsewhere other than dysamoria.com, seems to come from a progression that has roots in autism.

Autistic people are all different. Some cannot function without aid. Others are very high functioning, such as those with high functioning Asperger's Syndrome. Having autism DOES NOT MEAN having anti-social personality disorders.

Explanation: People with generally high functioning autism will not be diagnosed as having any specific developmental challenges. This leads to putting demands on them that they cannot meet due to their very nature. Scholastic, social, whatever. This also leads to abuse from parents (as they push their child to do more than the child is able) and peers (who "observe" differences in the autistic person that make them uncomfortable or just intolerant and rough). Long term exposure to toxic life experiences lead to things like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. PTSD and BPD are neurological defense mechanisms developed to protect the functioning of the person who is under constant assault. They can go undiagnosed unless specific events trigger stimulus-response behavior. People with BPD tend to develop a tolerance to feelings of remorse, guilt, responsibility to others, and other social norms because they've "learned" through abuse that no one else will protect them except themselves. They develop very "independence obsessed" life goals and are often unable to maintain relationships and employment for very long before they cycle into behaviors that destroy those relationships and workplace harmony (granted, the USA is largely sociopathic in its employment, so a better gauge is personal relationships and how they repeat the same patterns).

BPD has evidence (apparently not officially researched, but very strong in anecdotal examples) of being a stepping stone between an abused autistic and a sociopath.

Why autistics? They are greatly susceptible to and likely targets of abuse. Simple as that. Abuse leads to defense. You would be shocked at the number of people out there who are probably very diagnosable as having BPD (but who are not diagnosed or who are misdiagnosed with ADD/ADHD, bipolar disorder, cyclothemia, etc). It's just as much an epidemic as autism (and why not, since they seem to dovetail so well and appear as cause and effect in an indirect manner).

There is NO REASON to assume ANY autistic person is or will become a sociopath/psychopath. I am simply describing a pathology as I have observed it countless times both first hand and through third parties.

There are MANY MYTHS about autism that are JUST PLAIN UNTRUE.

Autism DOES NOT EQUATE TO:

- lack of empathy.
- naive, inappropriate, one-sided interaction
- little ability to form and sustain friendship
- poor non-verbal communication

These four bullet points are crap that author (and self appointed expert) Tony Atwood wrote, writes and is used as a citation in academic research papers. It's distorted, incomplete, pop-media stereotyping.

- lack of empathy is perceived from individuals who are overwhelmed with empathy and who have shut down to protect their sensitive nervous systems and emotional systems.
- naive is not a curse and is not permanent
- inappropriateness is extremely vague and open to variation in social/cultural norms
- one-sided interaction can ALSO be caused by the total disinterest of the OTHER party. Have you ever tried to tell someone about something that excited you but bored the other person?
- non-verbal communication MAY or MAY NOT be lacking, as this is a LEARNED behavior for ALL humans. If it is lacking, it can be learned through education or mimicry.

Most important:

The myths about autism/aspergers allow people to create assumptions that are dangerous to disabled people who need care, love, nurturing and everything else any other human being needs. To assume these myths are fact is to do a hideous disservice to these persons with a neurologically different brain structure and who already face life challenges. They are not evil, cruel, or fated to become either. If you abuse someone, you WILL create a damaged person. Monsters are not born, they are made.

Since I don't know Zac's age, I can only hypothesize. If he was adopted, it would be important to know the biological parents' histories, behaviorisms, genetics, family history and the age of the adoption. No matter the care you give a damaged person, they are going to receive that care from a distorted perspective. Not knowing about this distorted perspective means you cannot correct for it. If Zac has AS, he also is likely to have other comorbid conditions such as depression, social anxiety and a hard time fitting in. He may have been harassed, abused, neglected, etc., by enough people in his world that his adopted parents know nothing about. Sometimes children do not report these things to their parents because they feel ashamed or embarrassed of their "failures." Also, if they have or wish to have an extroverted personality, they may overcompensate with new behaviors that they mimic from peers. Take the gruff USA male image into consideration and force that onto a child who is sensitive and under assault. Imagine forcing the tough guy attitude onto that child when it is unnatural for him. He tries to fit in by observing others and behaving the same way, usually mechanically, because it isn't natural for them. This is the road to obsessive behavior and type-A personality (among other things). "Control Freaks" come from this kind of upbringing.

Who encouraged Zac to get into sports? Was it encouragement or pushing? What kind of social ties does he have at school and outside? Are his peers arrogant and wealthy? What "castes" has Zac been in during his schooling years? Unless you take all of this, and more, into account, you can't analyze or judge the cause and effects nor work on solutions or corrections.

It sounds to me like Zac is one of the following:

- high functioning autistic with severe sensitivities that have been beaten into numbness and now all of his actions are mechanical and based on personal rewards gains since he has perceived his peers to have become socially acceptable by doing what they do (act like manly, unemotional, testosterone filled sportsmen with lots of access to expensive sporting equipment and obsessed with oneupmanship). In this case, the eulogy was a very well crafted piece of writing designed to simulate what "normal people do" while the second eulogy for the poisoned father was a result of having perceived social reward for the first eulogy. Automatic behaviors without thoughts of consequences outside of personal social acceptance by the larger groups of people. Likely he has BPD and didn't consider the consequences of his actions other than action A leads to reward B. 1+1=2. He may simply have no emotional ties to his adoption parents or have had to repress so much of his native emotional functioning that he no longer knows HOW to emote or experience emotions of empathy, guilt, remorse, etc. This does not mean that he is a sociopath, nor does it mean he is "bad because he has asperger's." Either way, if things happened as you described, he needs intervention with skilled, educated and modern thinking professionals. Avoid any materials by Tony Atwood and doctors/counselors who seem to favor Atwood. Conversely, Atwood has entrenched himself into the AS book community, so don't toss out a potentially good book if he happened to have written a forward or review for one. There is at least one super excellent book that has a forward by him and the book is not diminished at all because of it. Definitely avoid people who assume Atwood's bullet points (as I showed above) are truth and fact. Avoid people who assume Asperger's Syndrome = incapable of empathy. Avoid people who use the DSM like a bible.

- Or, maybe there is neurological trauma that has gone unrecognized. Zac may have suffered neurological damage (brain damage) to portions of his brain that allow the normal processing of information. This means raw information and emotional processing could be impaired. There are many cases to cite and I wont even try to list any. I've written too much here already. It is a fact: the brain is the mind. The mind is the brain. If something is damaged, the organ will not function "normally." It is worth investigating this if Zac is younger than 16. BPD tends to start to be recognizable from 16 and up. Either way, look into this as a potential issue that might have more targeted treatment. He could have AS AND some other kind of neurological issues that are not yet diagnosed.

I hope this information is useful to you in some way. If you would like to communicate directly with those of us at dysamoria.com, please email to dysamoria at dysamoria dot com. If there is any advise we can give beyond this, we'd be happy to try. We are NOT doctors. We cannot officially diagnose or prescribe. We simply have strong personal interests and experiences in these areas and are eager to be as much help to others as possible because we and those we care for have suffered for lack of proper care and knowledge.

Best wishes to you,

-Intransitivus
dysamoria.com

trash [EDITED]

i get it now
it's merely a matter of convenience
how foolish of me

it's easier to be an asshole
to be selfish
cruel
lie

become "unavailable"

it's easier to be people like [name] and Elise
dana, john, jana, jenni, megan, toshi, jefferson
picus, jenni's sister, mike the heather manipulator

.and.
.so.
.many.
.more.

choose your reality
erase people you think have offended you

but first the setup!
pull them in, or make it appear you're simply letting them in, even more clever...

bring them into the fold
showcase them
talk them up

make them feel special

"i don't see how anyone could ever think you're scum"
"those girls didn't deserve you"
"you're better than them"
"they're just selfish"

over and over and over
the same insincere trash talk.
the same LIES.

take advantage of them
fuck, be fucked
have your yank, get free orgasms
receive your so badly needed validation

have your "friendship"
sex friends
people you're "seeing"
"best friends" you betray

then tear them apart
or ignore them, or tell them off
change parameters without notice,
whatever. just something sudden and cruel.

"terms subject to change without notice.
we are under no obligation to inform you of changes
prior to their execution."

tell your friends they're trash
the friends you were trashing
now you need them again
because you've exchanged hates

found the lesser exposure
realized who sees you least
where you're more hidden
invisible but accepted as a member

the elite club of cool outsiders
insiders, who cares what caste you want
you just want one that takes you in as member
where you can throw out people you don't like

I GET IT NOW.

i can be just like you.
erase you, ignore you.
tell everyone you're trash.

i'm doing it now. wheee!

so fuck you all.
you're all trash.

makeup, clever vocabulary without logical coherence
hiding rotting sores
rotting souls
rot

zombies, trash,
monsters in costumes of worse monsters
for fun and for protection

masks to hide worse masks
portraying something better
something bitter but risky and cool
elite

rot

rot and flutter away with the leaves

waste your time surfing every internet social club
seeking an identity you can't fashion out of reality
look for people to bash in clusters of assholes, jackals
fan the flames, sham the blames and blame the truths

seek out that next perfect man, the good fuck
to bash later when he sees through your makeup

women suck
men suck
people suck
so do their friends

wives
husbands
whoever just does as told
without forming their own opinions based on truth

all of you
thinking you're just fine
better than
in control

trash
every single one

including me
because i can't be YOU.

victim mentality

Maybe a subtitle could be "anti-social personality disorder, revisited." This is an extract from an earlier article i wrote called "Do Sociopaths Deserve Humane Treatment?"

Victim Mentality. The oft cited and rarely defined term that i shall define and cite for you myself.

Definition: blaming the victim for being one.
Citation: those enraged by being sought out as a target for hate and anger (actively or passively).

Sociopaths are people with an anti-social personality disorder. This, boiled down, means that a group of them cannot form healthy and productive societies because their very behavioral patterns are against the needs of the group and for their own benefit (including when they appear to be socio-conscious in order to appear perfectly normal and respectable).

The very right to be enraged or even hurt at the actions of another make you a bad person in the eyes and minds of the majority.

Example:

If someone walks into the room and denounces your work ethic to a bunch of your co-workers, several times a week, while you're not around to witness it and defend yourself on the spot or call out your accuser to prove his or her statements or back down... you've just been violated. An act of social and psychological violence has been made against you.

"I don't play the victim mentality role. It doesn't matter what people think, just how good a job you do!"

Sorry, but you are just as much a victim as if your boss walked into your office or cubical and pushed a knife into your chest without provocation. Sidelining again, what kind of provocation would justify that response?? Were you socially and psychologically tormenting your boss by spreading fear, uncertainty and doubt among every member of the workplace to the point that your boss was being shunned, joked about, and at risk of losing his life-sustaining income by losing job simply because you felt it was totally harmless to do smart-ass gossiping because you feel intimidated by his work experience?

It matters what people think of you if they control, socially, your accessibility to the pursuit of success, or even happiness.

True Victims do not choose themselves. It is not shameful to be a victim.

Victimizers choose their victims. Most often by way of jealousy and self-esteem issues. They seek those who they feel are not a threat to them. Those they feel they can control or with whom they can control the situation and the perception of events. This is shameful.

True shameful "victim mentality" is justifying your inhumane, cruel and violent actions by saying "He/she did this-and-that to me, so I am responding in kind. If others get in my way, that's just too bad. It's not like I'm targeting anyone innocent."

True "victim mentality" is "I'm going to be rude, cold and judgmental to you because that's what everyone has done to me my whole life. Why should I be sensitive to YOU when no one was sensitive to ME??"

THAT, is what shameful "victim mentality" is. Point your fingers, and knives where they belong.

Who's doing the pointing, anyway? In who's best interest might it be to make victimization into something the victim should be shameful and held responsible for?

The victimizers. The one's who have control over the situation and over you. Victimizers are the ones who devised the concept that being a victim is "your own damn fault." It's in their best interest that you be "ashamed for letting it happen to you." As though to defeat rational observation (and discussion) of true cause and effect, they seek to make the effect have no cause but itself.

"You worked with him before, so why would you work for him again if he's so bad??"

Yes, that one is DIRECTLY from my OWN personal experience. The complacent gossipers and the ignorant and naive bystanders trying to cover up the "unbelievable" fact that they have missed something and that they think you want special treatment (or have been getting it). The people who were not (yet) victims of the sociopathic victimizer. The ones who were once victims themselves but failed to escape and chose to find a pariah of their own. Or several. The people who hate you and victimize you for reminding them of how it feels to be victimized.

There are entire cults who rant against the slaughter and immorality of World War II and human slavery. Cult? i don't mean to suggest that the people who find these things objectionable are the cult members; i mean that there are actually people who find it A BOTHER that these things are still discussed and that they must be such a burden since "hey, man, it's not like i killed any jews or had any slaves, so leave me alone."

"Those who forget the past are destined to repeat it" (misquote)

This isn't philosophy. This is concrete reality. This is human behavior on the macro and microscopic level. From the individual to the group mind.

The the most critical concept to understand here is on the macro level: the individual victimizer and his or her victim. The way they propagate by leading one victim after another down the path of becoming victimizer. A victimizer is a much more aggressive person on certain fronts and are much better at holding on to what little they believe is theirs.

The more sociopaths are allowed to shape the world around them to best suit their own interests (not the interests of the group, the society or the species), the more damage they do (to the society) and the more sociopaths they CREATE.

You've heard the rhetoric about what growing up in a war zone, or in prison, or being a child of molestation creates: it creates a replication of the stimuli. The victim becomes hardened from constant assaults. A hostile environment creates a defensive individual. Constant exposure to hostility turns defensiveness into hostility. Hostility acts outwardly against those who appear to be the cause of the hostile environment... or maybe anyone... because "HE didn't stop it from happening" and "SHE didn't tell the boss about the gossip about me."

A hostile and toxic environment creates a hostile and toxic person. It can do nothing else. You either harden or you weaken. Those who weaken are frequently used by other people as a comparison or consolation agent; to ease their own suffering or make it pale in comparison. What better way to make your problems pale in comparison to someone else's than by MAKING someone else's problems worse?

Yes, you may think it's all fun and games. Harmless talk. Chit chat. Gossip. Play. Ribbing.

Play leads to exhaustion. Exhaustion leads to lowered stamina. Lowered stamina leads to sensitivity. Sensitivity leads to vulnerability. Vulnerability leads to being damaged by "lesser offenses." And in the end, you have victimizers, formerly victims, pointing fingers at the lesser victims; the ones they can pick at and NOT be brought to justice.

Human beings exposed to toxic experiences during their developmental stages very often become "rugged" or "tough" as a defensive mechanism. It's automatic part way, but then it also becomes part of the personality. That's when it becomes choice. Many people at this point choose to "take it like a man/woman" and "give as good as they get" ...

.. but on the inside... they're rotting out and becoming a shell of armor which protects a wounded child that never grew up and never learned appropriate and healthy ways of defending or avoiding the toxic and hostile experiences. These people end up with Borderline Personality Disorder.

BPD.

Anyone reading me on a regular basis knows that i struggle with the understanding that those who have abused me have become abusive because they themselves were abused. i empathize with these people because i know suffering well enough. At first, they like this. Later, they feel vulnerable because i see and know too much. Then i become a threat. To their egos. Their "hearts." Their agendas.

A person with BPD still can make distinctions between good and bad behavior. i've seen it demonstrated many times by many people with the condition. They admit to feelings of guilt. The problem is, they feel guilt because they know what they have done is harsh, cruel, rude, or just plain wrong... but they never learned how to empathize with those they have hurt. Most likely, no one empathized with their own suffering as it was forming their defense mechanisms years previous.

But they KNOW. They CAN distinguish the difference. They can CHOOSE to take an active role in their behavior patterns if they see value in it.

The value, ideally, should be "because it's best for everyone."

The value, more often in the real world is "so i can have friends and keep jobs."

It's still a value.

But some people choose an even more selfish and cold value for external self-control:

POWER.

"i
w a n t !"

Who wants power the most? Those who feel they have been powerless. Those who have had so much done to them beyond their control.

People with BPD naturally seek connection to and with other human beings. They also defensively seek control. Control over the interactions with others and the perceptions of them by others. If the satisfaction of the human connection eases the fears that demand control, these people can move towards a much better life.

A better path than those who get no satisfaction at all from connection to other human beings.

Anti-social personality disorders. That's what we're talking about. Personalities that work against the collective good and which tear apart the fabric of society and human connection.

When the only motivation left for someone with BPD is to seek power and control over everything and anything... they have stepped into sociopathy.

When the politics of the current Diagnostics and Statistics Manual of psychiatric disorders dictate obedience and subservience to certain rules, process and procedure in order for you to pursue your goals, your definitions and your rights, who is going to actively fight a system designed to protect itself? The DSM is, itself, a victim of victim mentality. Over extension. Over indulgence. The scientific method is abused this way and so too the "mental health system."

So, to repeat myself: i reduce the great, grand DSM down to what it really is: politics. i say a redundant "fuck you" to the DSM and i continue with my questions to you:

Is there a way back from the brink for a sociopath?

Should energy and time be spent seeking it?

Do sociopaths deserve that effort?

Is there a point at which we stop defining a sociopath as a victim and start defining them as nothing more or better than a weapon gone out of control?

Do you murder murderers?

If yes, do you execute sociopaths for the deeper, wider-ranging and longer lasting toxic effects they have on entire social structures?

You try to filter "criminals" out of society, but what do you do about the anti-social people who have no interest in society or who actively seek to control and manipulate it? Do you try to filter them out of society?

Most likely you don't even notice them.

Some of you might be becoming one of them right now... growing harder, colder, more selfish, more power-hungry, more obsessed with control and "having it YOUR WAY."

Maybe you're already one of them, looking at my blog and telling me how insufferable i am. Labeling my few supporters as "goons" and giving them other labels that essentially suggest i am a cult leader and they my mindless followers. i call bullshit on you. You're insecure. You couldn't express what you felt when you felt these things. That's when you choose to vote for charity to known sociopaths: you chose to protect your own interests. So you lash out at those who look familiar. Familiar as victims and victimizers.

Yourself.

You the victim and you the victimizer.

Psychopathy and Antisocial Personality Disorder: A Case of Diagnostic Confusion

Regarding: something published and apparently ignored since February 1, 1996
Psychiatric Times. Vol. 13 No. 2: http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/display/article/10168/54831

"Written by Robert D. Hare, Ph.D. Dr. Hare, who has researched psychopathy for more than 25 years, is a professor of psychology at the University of British Columbia, and was scientific director of a 1995 NATO Advanced Study Institute on Psychopathic Behavior."

i wanted to introduce the topic of Sociopathy vs. Psychopathy into the materials present in Dr. Robert Hare's writing (both his articles found on the web, such as http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/p960239.html and his own website and writings in print).

His article at http://www.psychiatrictimes.com/p960239.html is near excellent in defining some very vital reasoning on why confusion of ASPD and Psychopathy is a terrible problem. Yet, i see a terrible problem in the lack of mention of Sociopathy.

The DSM not only lumps ASPD with Psychopathy, but also does the same with Sociopathy. Sociopathy and Psychopathy ARE Anti Social Personality Disorders. More so, they DIFFER in perceptually small yet effectively VAST ways.

i was very excited to find the book "The Sociopath Next Door" by Dr. Martha Stout. i was confused when a friend read the book and found it lacking my own personal differentiation between sociopathy and psychopathy. i examined the parts she cited and felt she was indeed correct. i had lead her to a book that does not go where i thought it did and where i have been going very frequently in my attempts to educate others.

i have since located some web-based material called "The Psychopath Next Door" which is reportedly Martha Stout's website (which looks outdated and does not indicate her name). The information on this page seems VERY similar to her book. It occurred to me that the process of formalizing her writing on the topic had forced her to change from the subject of Psychopathy to Sociopathy because the people she was writing about were not murderers, cult leaders or other such common psychopathic actions. It is fortunate that she changed terms before publishing the book, but unfortunate that it does not do near as well a job as my own talks with people to define the difference between the two labels.

Most importantly, i think it is VITAL that all of this information be brought back into public discussion, form part of whatever processes involved in producing the next (unfortunately biblically followed) DSM edition, and CLARIFIED to eliminate the confusion that is growing more and more rampant.

i have a personal motivator here. i was harassed, intimidated and abused by several sociopaths. To my knowledge, they are not psychopaths. Their ASPD stops at the point where they attempt to preserve their social status and maintain their adherence to the majority of laws and social rules that would have them filtered out of society, should they break those rules and laws. i have no interest in "protecting" these people in any way (i would love to see sociopaths filtered out of society just as psychopaths tend to filter themselves out after committing crimes), but i DO see a neurological connection to two neurological/psychiatric items that do NOT deserve to be lumped into the same category as psychopaths:

1. Borderline Personality Disorder. This is largely a defensive mechanism of the human mind in response to extensive and intolerable amounts of mental (and often physical) abuse. Most typically observed in females from teenage to about 35, is the claim of much material on BPD. Noted is the "mysterious growing out of it" effect that i have read about in several published materials on BPD. i find this irresponsible and i "see" what is likely happening: BPD leads to sociopathy, if not treated, cared for or otherwise halted in its tracks.
   
   
2. BPD appears to be a VERY common comorbidity of autistic neurology in the later years (between teens and mid 30s).

You see the process i am illustrating?

High Functioning Autistic neurology leads to much social (and often physical abuse) through the "growth years" and the comorbid condition of BPD establishes a strong hold to preserve the mental integrity of the individual. A worst case scenario leads to the terminal point of BPD transitioning into Sociopathy.

In case you cannot predetermine my personal bias here, i am autistic.

My autism spectrum label would most likely be Asperger's Syndrome, but the longer i continue to combat "the system" as an individual, and combat sociopaths and "professionals," the more i am forced to wonder if i am something slightly higher functioning than the high functioning AS individual. My self awareness and intelligence has made me feel rather alienated by those AS persons i have encountered in AS communities and the "professionals" refuse to recognize me as BEING on the autism spectrum (because apparently they do not grasp that austistic children eventually GROW UP with or without a diagnosis). i did not have a diagnosis of anything until about a year ago when i pursued the diagnosis of AS through independent research and a rough time locating professionals who could see beyond their traditionally myopic perspective of only working with children.

AS, and autism in general, has many features that are similar to the criteria for ASPDs and many are perceived to BE antisocial. Worse, it seems to me, from my own personal research and experience, autistic neurology is a potential catalyst for becoming an antisocial person, a "Borderliner," Sociopath or psychopath. The determining factors seem to be nurture (positive or negative) and self awareness (though that lucidity of self awareness is questionable in terms of how it comes about and whether it can be taught or learned).

My point: Sociopaths are more dangerous than psychopaths. They do not get filtered out of society because, as many have stated, the "dog eat dog" aspects of "modern society" seem to encourage it and getting "ahead" in society seems to be enabled by the traits of sociopathy. Also, i know MANY persons with AS and BPD. None of them deserve the mistaken presumption or sloppy and incorrect diagnosis of Sociopathy or Psychopathy.

The DSM needs to be moved drastically into a "spectral" format instead of solid on and off bipolar determination. i am hoping that interaction from people such as myself with people such as the professionals "in the business" (especially those who are authoring books and being read by other professionals and students of the topics he presents) will eventually lead to a healthier DSM and better diagnostic results from the "professionals" who use the DSM as the end-all be-all bible of "mental health."

The mind is the brain. The brain is the mind. Knowing how it works, and why it works in the ways it does, is the best route to a healthier human species and human societies.

Thank you for reading this rather long message. i would like to send a copy to Dr. Robert Hare, but the website indicates a postal address only for personal correspondence. i hope that this message is a little of both; please do forward this message to him if that is possible. Otherwise, i will have to use the postal service.

-jace cavacini
dysamoria (at) dysamoria dot com
http://dysamoria.com

poor reading comprehension = ignorance

quote:

"... Everything that you accuse others of is what YOU are. I am amazed that you can't see that.

Again, you will refuse to look at what I am saying and you will go off on another boring and whiney tirade to deflect the truth of it all. But I just had to tell you how I see you, and I can't be the ONLY person who sees you for what you are. Lots of people run away from you for a reason...not because they're jerks, or sociopaths, or "wimpy", it's because you are INTOLERABLE and you are intolerable not because you've had rough crap happen to you but because of how you've CHOSEN to deal with it and you treat others so nastily.

If by some rare chance you actually paused and acted the way you try to make others act by 'yelling' and 'screaming' at them you might come close to seeing yourself for what you really are. (but you won't) ..."

The first paragraph is exactly what i expect from ignorant and intolerant people who need to project their own problems onto the people who have exposed their own. It's also part of the giveaway. i can read a person's identity by how they word themselves and the memes they use. And yes, THIS is projection: The declaration that the things one has been blamed for doing are actually being done by others, not the person who's REALLY doing it. Everyone knows i hate Freud and am not in full agreement with Wikipedia's validity ... but... HERE.

and here:

6 a: the act of perceiving a mental object as spatially and sensibly objective; also : something so perceived b: the attribution of one's own ideas, feelings, or attitudes to other people or to objects; especially : the externalization of blame, guilt, or responsibility as a defense against anxiety

That last paragraph i included is a gem of poor reading and writing comprehension; where is the completion of the statement? But i wont redirect into complaints about writing skills... Go read the rest of the assault from the ignorant "Stunned" over here. These are exactly the kinds of holier than thou people i can't stand; the ones who talk out their asses in order to make themselves feel better about their own shitty actions. They may sound good on the surface, but when you know them and you analyze what they have said, you get the truth: they're insecure, selfish, arrogant, and best of all, have a personal ax to grind against me (or whoever they're ranting at; and, yeah, i rant too, but at least my rants have some basis of reality to them instead of creative vocabulary and context-free, pack animal attack mentality). This person is more interested in being RIGHT, not being correct and i am not the least bit embarrassed to showcase it.

make amends or i'm killing myself

(ADDED STUFF BELOW)
Kutztown University, will jefferson, sharon picus, margaret devlin, HR, the "Office of Social Equity," the Union and several other managerial and Union-related people destroyed my ability to lead a normal life:

• jefferson discriminated against me based on age (youth) and disability (autism).
  
• jefferson harassed me with passive-aggressive obstruction of my work, direct verbal abuse and defamation of my character and work ethic to my coworkers and management.
  
• jefferson threatened me not to speak with the union about conflicts with him.
  
• management (devlin and HR) refused to do their jobs when the abuse was brought to their attention.
  
• management (devlin and HR) harassed me directly by defamation of me to my coworkers, union and other management.
  
• HR harassed me by sending me away from work to be "examined by a psychiatrist," which was totally playing along with jefferson's fraudulent claim/defamation of me to HR and coworkers.
• management did nothing when it was made clear that jefferson was behaving with oppressive, harassing and aggressive behavior that coworkers sensed as disconcerting indicators of potential violence against me.
  
• the union did nothing to assist or advise me.
  
• a union representative advised me against filing a grievance because "it probably wont accomplish anything."
  
• another union representative advised me to "play along with management" because he'd been through a similar situation (he was brought up on drug use charges, i was being harassed by fraudulent claims made by jefferson to campus security).
  
• another union representative told me "management protects its own."
  
• the union did not represent or defend me when i was brought under charges of potential safety risk due to jefferson's fraud.
  
• the union made declarations of investigation that were not followed through with.
  
• the union management made declarations to investigate and did nothing but allow HR to waste the 15-day statute of limitations on filing grievances.
  
• the union management refused to respond to emails and phone calls.
  
• the university eliminated my job by declaring that i resigned when i had NOT done so, two days before xmas holiday.
  
• the university, the union and all people mentioned clearly acted in their own personal and managerial best interests and for their own convenience and never once attempted to resolve the real cause of the problems where they started from day one: will jefferson!

i am living in hell on earth:

• i cannot eat properly because of medications, stress, anxiety and a failing nervous system.
  
• i cannot get slow-wave sleep so my mental facilities are disintegrating.
  
• i have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, paranoia and am developing BPD in response to the abuse i've received.
  
• i have nightmares/hallucinations instead of sleep.
  
• i am extremely suicidal and feel that i have NO legal rights, protection, accommodation or even people to believe me.
  
• i am looked at as a leech on society by disability and welfare by way of continuously decreasing allotments for food and medical treatment.
  
• i am on medications that make me ill with side effects which require other medications, all of which have become physical addictions because of the nature of the medications. i can't get off of them without going through health-risking withdrawal.
  
• AmeriHealth Mercy refuses me access to the one medication that might help with my sleep disorder.
  
• i am isolated, my credit has been destroyed, i'm lonely, and no one has done ANYTHING to the criminals to have brought my life to this point.
  
• my family is suffering because of attempting to assist me while they are already suffering their own problems.

No pill and no platitudes will ever rectify the real cause of all of these problems:

MY HUMAN RIGHTS WERE VIOLATED AND NO ONE WHO'S RESPONSIBILITY IT IS TO DEAL WITH THAT FACT WILL DO SO. I AM IGNORED, DISCARDED, MARGINALIZED, REFUSED AND HARASSED BY HAVING A DIAGNOSED DISABILITY WHICH HAS BECOME 100 TIMES WORSE BECAUSE OF ABUSE FROM MY FORMER EMPLOYER, KUTZTOWN UNIVERSITY.

I WANT COMPENSATION OR I WANT DEATH. THERE IS NO ALTERNATIVE.


The Evidence, the Story, the Whole Truth


Christine said (on myspace):

You want compensation from whom? Perhaps you will receive it in another form, that is if you are open to it and to your future. We will all die soon enough. Now is not your time Jace. We did not determine our birth so the natural order of things is that we should not determine our death either. No person should ever have that much say in anothers death, unless of course society dictates it as a punishment for heinous crimes. Yet if no one should rightfully harm you, why should you harm yourself? Ok i know i am speaking from a mostly rational standpoint here. Yet i do believe that this is the standpoint that allows us the most freedom. As emotions, although they have their role and we cant exist without them, well they are unpredictable, one day you may feel like dying and the next you feel like living. So theyre not a reliable source for reference in taking action in our own lives and the lives of others. We must balance both reason and emotion, and by so doing come up with viable solutions that will impact our lives for the greater good for ourselves and others. I want to feel triumphant in my life. Not to win so much, but just to laugh and be happy..to always have the heart of a child and never allow bitter roots to strangle it out. If we can laugh in the midst of our experience then we know we are gonna be ok. People need support when they are sad. I hope you will continue to receive enough support from the people that do care for you, so that you are able to let go of the suicide idealations. Only you can do this Jace, you know this. It is not a positive mindset to want to do this, so it can not so much be of benefit until you turn it into a postive in your life. Perhaps you can help others at some point as you will be able to wholeheartedly relate to anyone who has desires to take their life. This can be done yet Jace, you need support though it from your friends. Hope today gives you more rest and peace.

Posted by Christine on Monday, June 16, 2008 at 7:27 AM

i replied:

the heart of a child... something i was not allowed to have... i have my Legos... i have my classic Doctor Who... but i have no one to share these things with ... so i am still isolated when trying to enjoy those things. i do photography... but it's just of me. i have no one else to do it with. music: no one to share it with. people don't even like my music. i mean, that's fine if it's not their thing, but it's just another place where i'm alone.

i feel like dying every single day. especially now. i want to be as good as possible to those i care for, but in the end, they will find that i've served my purpose and they will move on. i feel like dying every day because i'm tired of what my life IS and has always been.

who do i want amends from?

The STATE.

even elise.

But mostly KUTZTOWN UNIVERSITY AND THE STATE OR FEDERAL GOVERNMENT.

i want my LIFE back. i FOUGHT to have that life. i EARNED it and it was STOLEN FROM ME in ways that violate my human rights and laws. i DESERVE to have compensation but i have no MONEY to seek it actively.

So i'm sick and i'm tired of being sick and i'm tired of being... just this.

i have so much more that i could be if it were allowed. i was there, doing it and i was horribly VIOLATED. it is more than the loss of a job or a girlfriend. MY LIFE WAS ACTIVELY DESTROYED. jefferson is the guy who introduced my to my realtor Bob Berner (a great guy)... and then, when i was in the process of buying my house, jefferson actually talked to my best co-worker about how "jace is just a kid. he doesn't know what he's doing... if he wants to go bankrupt that's his fucking problem." The man sought to ruin what i was accomplishing out of his own HATE of me for being what i am at my age when HE WASN'T what he wanted to be at my age, or didn't get to be what he WANTED to be at my age. He has several times given me "i [this or that] when i was your age. the military straightened me out... " etc.

I WAS TARGETED AND DESTROYED BY A SOCIOPATH. I WANT COMPENSATION FOR THIS CRIME.

Posted by dysamoria on Monday, June 16, 2008 at 5:07 PM

why sociopaths are cruel / why borderliners are so needy

"why are sociopaths cruel?"

the answer may be the same as the answer to the question(s):

"why are borderliners so needy? (or, why are they often serial monogamists?)"

i propose a very simple neurological hypothesis that you educated people will dismiss out of hand:

Chemical tolerance to serotonin and oxytocin (two neurotransmitters known to deal with short term and long term feelings of love, empathy and the control of obsessive compulsive traits).

It's simple: once you've been in enough situations where your body generates huge amounts of "love chemicals," only to have the source stimuli taken away toxically, you develop an addiction to the chemicals AND an aversion to the stimuli. Love is itself an addiction or OCD behavior. The more experiences you have with the stimuli coming AND GOING, the more tolerance you develop to the chemicals and their stimuli. The stimuli needs to be more powerful each time until you no longer get a response to it at all. Persons with BPD need more thrills to get the chemical high (see my blog entry titled "The Romanticized Drama of the Endgame"). Sociopaths are simply immune to the stimulus (except for extraordinary situations, such as when will jefferson had his car accident and acted like a human being for about a week and a half before becoming even worse than he was previously).

In both cases, there is no treatment unless the subject is intellectually willing and able to accept the facts and use intellect to attempt to compensate for behavioral training. Many people with BPD are right on the edge of losing that ability. i've known several women who seemed very self aware only to find that they couldn't act on their knowledge. i would imagine the case is worse for those who are totally sociopathic. Someone with BPD WANTS a better existence. Someone who's sociopathic is pathologically incapable of seeing that their existence is flawed and that they should do anything about it (everyone else is the problem, which is the declaration of most of us who have been fucked over by sociopaths and borderliners... takes one to make one, right?).

Once again, i tell you there is a connection and a CLEAR and DOCUMENTABLE PATH from autistic-spectrum disorders to Borderline Personality Disorder to Sociopathy.

Now go look at a third party who has made some similar connections (though, not as similar as i would like, why must i be a trail blazer that is ignored as ignorant??)... not the same topic, but it will serve as my REFERENCE for those of you who seem to require references in order to believe anything i say:

Read here

(thanks, Carla and Sairuh for pointing me back to things i'd discussed and thought about before but forgot about)

That's all the documentation and citation i'm giving you. i've asked doctors to work with me on doing actual research studies to validate theories of mine while they use me as a research subject and a partner and they've refused. So fuck you if you want something more academic. Click on my labels and read my other postings about sociopathy and BPD. Then do you own fucking work... and ultimately forget where the idea came to you, just like i know it will happen when the truth finally starts to seep into the minds of the collective "medical establishment." Hopefully i'll be long dead by then.

autism so deadly

when i cannot sleep,
the organ in my skull breaks down.

when i am drugged to sleep,
the organ in my brain self-tortures.

i become fear. need. loss. hopelessness.



(EDIT: an NPR interview with an insomniac author, which i've not listened to)

fuck you, elise & the gang [EDITED]

hey cruel selfish liar,
perhaps you didn't get my first email:

your packages of love-lies are sitting on my porch
you lying rapist.
take them away before one of the neighborhood freaks steals them.

bowls, wine, letters of lies, postcards of lies, etc... in that big wooden box and smaller postal bos. i put all my Postal Service CDs in the big box too, since i can't listen to them without thinking of you. like giving expensive paints to the asshole judy who fucked me up after you (though no where near as well as you did)... take my stuff because i can't enjoy it without it reminding me of you and making me fucking miserable. not only did you rape my heart, you raped my musical pleasure.

"i decided that the next guy i was going to date would have to like The Postal Service!"

childish shallow crap.

take it all away.

you also still owe me over $400 for those plane tickets you wasted. the exact amount is on my blog somewhere. you know, that blog i started out of love for you. the first entry, an apology. to you. out of shame for yelling at you
WHEN YOU DESERVED IT!
NO LOVE.
YOU DESERVED TO BE SPIT AT
IN THE FACE for your selfish CRUELTY.

"so, are we still not talking?"

YOU ARROGANT, SELFISH, EMPATHY-DEVOID
PRESUMPTIVE BITCH.

3 years since you RAPED ME and i STILL can't get you out of my body.

i hope you grow up some day, you selfish asshole. you're dangerous. and sick.
but no, i'm the fuckin' crazy loser without income or ability to function... yeah, that's fair.

i should have stopped talking to you the moment you told me what you did to Treg.
"i think i hurt him" you said, repeatedly, as if that relieved you of the responsibility.
i should have told you right then that you were a selfish fucking tease.

you were so afraid that i would reject you, yet i accepted all kinds of SHIT about you.
such as being a selfish bitch who takes what she wants from whom she wants it and then leaves,
randomly, suddenly, without respect, without responsibility, without the slightest bit of humanity.

"i don't want to be his lover."

"ANY MORE," you should have added. because you sure as fuck wanted to be his lover at some point. and he believed it, just like stupid fucking me.
you should have said all your shit to me with the prologue of "for this fraction of time, this is what i want... and i will change my mind as is suits me, no matter what kind of damage it does, because i wont take responsibility for my actions nor how they affect other people. other people don't matter."

on Okcupid.com your personality type is "the sudden departure." it describes you perfectly.

you were so afraid of me rejecting you that you chose to reject ME and turn everything into a LIE.
ASSHOLE!

telling you to fuck off once you admitted your abuse of Treg might have saved me.
maybe i could have saved my fucking sanity.
maybe without being totally DICKED OVER by YOU, maybe without being totally SMASHED to fucking nothing, maybe i might have had more stamina left in me to tolerate the sociopathic abuses dealt to me by my fucking employers,

which you had ZERO compassion or empathy for me dealing with... it was like an irritation... an annoyance... how dare i have problems on my end... i'm not allowed to have a heart and soul. that's only for YOU.

you yourself are just as cruel and antisocial as they are.

you know, i had a job... you remember how amazed with my grown-up adult realman stuff, right?
the job i was driven out of because i did my BEST and it threatened sociopathic SHITHEADS

the job where i was so stressed, yet you didn't give a fuck... you used my problems with my job as more reason to pass your arrogant judgment against me. that i'm weak. that i'm irresponsible some how.

YOU'RE the most irresponsible person i've met.

"In my family, i'm kind of considered the clown."
Maybe that's because you act like one. like an asshole clown.
inconsistent. random. selfish. arrogant yet ignorant. immature.

without YOU fucking up my life
maybe i'd still have a job, even.

so, how many more Tregs have there been since me, you cyclic borderliner?

i'm unemployed, terminally insomniac, have severe PTSD, constant nightmares, neighbors who harass me, a measly $50/month of foodstamps,
disability checks that just barely cover my mortgage (you know that house owning thing that you thought was so "real man"
but that you also hated the idea of because of your fear of actually growing up), more than $30K in debt accumulated to distract myself from suicide and one motherfucker of a suicidal ideation. oh and i'm autistic, too. have been my whole life. somehow justifying everyone shitting on me. somehow making it all okay that i've been abused my whole fucking life.

but what the FUCK do YOU care. you only care about YOU. elise fucking brown and whatever she can take from others for herself.

i'm SICK of being FUCKED OVER by assholes and just playing nice.

you promised me a life and instead you shattered it. you built me up and shit on me. was it fun?

"jace, i'm lonely" you whined at me, as if YOUR loneliness was justification to DICK OUT ON ME.

"i feel like a disappointing ass."
BECAUSE YOU ARE. you're WORSE, in fact.
using the word "disappointment" is like an INSULT.

I AM NOT YOUR PORN!
YOU USED ME AS YOUR OWN PRIVATE WEB WHORE.

you are selfish, cruel, rude, childish, immature, unkind, heartless, unstable, repetitious, full of shit and one big fucking lie.

why don't you gang up on me with all the other heartless assholes who dicked me over for their own selfish issues?

i'll help you get set up with jana, john and tammy, pete, judy, dana, sairuh and that sociopathic fuck jefferson.

you can all gang up and come kill me in some sick fucked up ritual of superiority.
despite all your fucking LIES, you're just like them. JUST THE SAME.
unable to follow through. unable to commit. unable to be real. unable to be sincere or honest.
socially inept. emotionally warped. sick, paranoid and selfish.

you had the chance to prove otherwise
you PROMISED to prove otherwise
and YOU FAILED MISERABLY.

so, kill me. please do it. there's no hope, no options, no drugs, no doctors. no lawyers to defend my rights. no money to buy law and rights. no motivation. no energy. no food.
so fucking kill me, you rapist.

you asked me if i could imagine what it's like to have someone jack off inside me... yeah, i can.
YOU DID JUST THAT TO ME.

i repeat: I AM NOT YOUR FUCKING PORN

now take away these "gifts" of elise lies, read them all and see how cruel and heartless you are and then do what you want with them.
it might help to refresh your memory, what memory you haven't erased for convenience, by reading all the fucking emails you
sent to me, too. how you DROVE this passionate relationship and then FUCKED IT ALL AWAY like it meant nothing.
BECAUSE IT MEANT NOTHING to you. SO EASY FOR YOU!!!!!!

SO TAKE IT BACK! TAKE IT THE FUCK BACK. i don't want the lies, the "gifts" the reminders... the BULLSHIT!
carve it out of my fucking soul with your claws so i don't have to feel your violation of me any more.
it's been YEARS and i still can't escape the feeling of violation you gifted to me.

"the catch" is sick of being dicked, fucked, raped, violated, used, abused, lied to and generally screwed.

"the catch" wants to die now. take your shit away, admit you're fucked up and let me die in peace.


"jace, you're a catch"
so you tossed me back to drown in a careless sea with your hook piercing my heart and lungs.
"you're a real man"
but you don't WANT a real man, apparently, just a TOY. just a fantasy boy.
"you treated me like a princess"
but you really prefer to be treated like a whore. you're better at it.
"you treated me better than anyone ever treated me"
and my reward was to be raped and thrown away like useless cunt garbage.
"you have no idea how many times guys have pulled out on me before i had a chance"
so then it must be totally fair in your sick twisted mind to do exactly that to others!

i am FUCKING SICK of justifications, LIES, BULLSHIT from girls, children, brats, like yourself.
justifications for being selfish fucking bitches who ENJOY FUCKING PEOPLE UP.

i haven't communicated with you in years and i STILL HEAR YOUR SHIT IN MY HEAD!!!!!!!

"well, then, i guess i'm just a selfish bitch"
YES, YOU ARE!!!!!!!!!

"i never said anything that wasn't emotionally valid at the time."

YOU FUCKING ANTISOCIAL LANGUAGE-MANIPULATING LIE.
you ARE the exact thing that you supposedly crusaded against:
POLITICAL BULLSHIT AND LIES. you learned well from them.
you're an antisocial murdering rapist of the worst kind:

the kind that gets away with it.

and i'm one of your many victims who will NEVER FORGET YOU.

you cut me deeper than three janas because you did the same fucking thing she did, damned her for it, but did it all just the same anyway... in a fraction of the time she took to do it. with more promises. more talk talk talk. lies lies lies.

part of my PTSD is YOU!

i wish i could hate you and write you off. like you so easily write people off.

"i was telling my mom, i think this might be the one."

you mean "the next one that i fuck over and rape heartlessly. did you tell your mom what you did to me in the end? did you tell her how much i hurt? did you tell her how hard i tried to hold on to you, as stupid as i am for it? did you mock me? make me out to be some horrible asshole like you made Pat? did you tell people how much worse than Pat i was?

DID YOU TELL PEOPLE WHAT YOU DID TO DESERVE BEING YELLED AT WITH VENOM??

"i'm not willing to give up just because it's hard right now."
and then you GAVE up. to make it more insulting, you added revisionism.

three fucking years
and i can't stop feeling the lies you fed me.
i want to die to escape it.

with some fucking stupid love (which tells me not to mail this to you because "what if...," which is really stupid fucking fantasy bullshit that i'm sick of harboring in my heart),

your ex-not-quite-boyfriend-or-lover and former plaything of six months, (you know, "the catch," the "real man"... the used tampon, the free custom porn, the vibrator, the loser you tossed away like nothing)...

-fucking jace cavafuckingcini

p.s.: two of the images attached were made for you. Made with the camera i bought JUST so i could send YOU photos to keep us in contact while unable to be together. kind of like my sister sending photos to her husband in Afghanistan. but that wasn't enough for you. NOTHING is ever enough for you. "jace, you just don't seem to... you know..." NO, i DON'T KNOW unless i'm TOLD. You didn't tell; just lied and revised. They were taken after you ran off (i just noticed the low file numbers, and i've lost weight since then). Consider it more custom porn for your jerking off. but you don't need to. you can have ANY man you want, ANY time you want, for WHATEVER you want, for however long SUITS YOU. Me, i'd rather cut off my fucking cock than deal with the idea of needing sexual relief and the off chance i might think of YOU at the same time. YOUR kind are the most common out there. In 32 years, this is what i've learned. There's nothing for me to look forward to except more of the same. teases, lies, arrogance and abuse. oh, the third photo, about three thousand later (1K per year?) is more like what i am these days in harsh light. shaved head. deadish. whipped. beaten. i bet you're just as sexy and beautiful as ever because you get whatever you want, as always; even if you act like you've been dicked out on, you always get the better part of anything, including the dicking. especially since you dick out FIRST. go ahead and show 'em off. throw 'em around to your "friends" to show how lame i am. show 'em how badly you fucked me over because i'm "STILL" upset about it. i'm sure you already lambasted me with all the other photos i sent you. why wouldn't you? you abandoned me so that you could avoid your fear of abandonment or rejection (you're an unkind, unjust, self fulfilling prophecy), so why wouldn't you try to disgrace me with the photos i sent you, assuming that i MUST have done it to you.

you even acted like i had no right to feel hurt by your cruelty. you acted like you had a right to come crying to me when shit went wrong for you in your paradise runaway-child land. YOU SELFISH RIGHTEOUS FUCK.

FUCK YOU, my eternal love.

[What he couldn't do was stop feeling the things she enabled him to feel. He couldn't stop feeling the things she told him in the beginning. What he couldn't do was just let it go. Does that make him the bad guy or "defective" or "obsessive?" He had a seven year relationship with someone. She and friends acted like he should have just gotten over it in a few days/weeks. Is that rational? Who has the right to say when a person is done mourning? You? Me? What these people cannot do is accept that their actions have repercussions and consequences. They cannot comprehend the idea of feeling strongly for someone because they don't do it themselves. They stop feeling for people BEFORE they leave them. But, look at the history of these people and see how they acted when the tables were turned. Look how they behaved when THEY were the ones abandoned and betrayed. Have they forgotten?]

bait animal, for your ego and betrayal

people who think they know something about something are dangerous. people who tell you they care about you are the worst of those.

First, no, I haven't been actively avoiding you.

That three year gap of time where there was ZERO response to my attempts at communication... that wasn't avoidance... no, not at all, you fucking borderliner.

We haven't been in each other's lives for years - since high school, really, and I am often surprised with the strong attachment that you have to me.

Oh, i don't know, it couldn't have ANYTHING to do with all that talk you made about how we were close friends and how you wanted us to be able to share personal things with each other. How you maintained a close connection via email for years... until after you visited me and started to avoid me. Oh, you didn't avoid me, that's right. Silly me. You were just thinking. You fucking revisionist liar. Oh the convenience of self delusion!!

When I saw you last about 3 years ago, things weren't going well for you. At that point, I did not know exactly what to do or if it was even my place to do something. I will also admit that it made me uncomfortable that you were sharing so much with me

How fucking DARE i share my personal life with my FRIENDS! Friends aren't people to share one's life with. Certainly not people to look to for support!!

and [name], and that you sent me those text messages later on that night. I didn't really know how to respond then, and I'm still not sure how to respond now. The last phone text message you sent me about a year ago

So you'd been thinking about it that whole time... right... three years ago... a year ago... Not avoiding me... no...

made me feel very uncomfortable and I felt like if I did respond at that time it could have made things worse for you and, quite frankly, I didn't want to engage in a dialog with you.

Nothing to do with YOU at all...

I was offended and felt that your message was in appropriate. So I chose not to respond, which I still feel was the best choice for me personally.

Oh yeah, it DOES have to do with YOU. It's ALL ABOUT YOU!! HOW FAMILIAR!! 100% the same as john and tammy being mad at me for feeling offended by their behavior... OH WAIT, here comes another one! i shared my feeling of offense and YOU MAKE IT ALL ABOUT YOU AND HOW MUCH I AM THE ASSHOLE!!!

I am concerned about you, Jace.

LIAR! You don't avoid someone for more than three years when you feel concern for them!! YOU FUCKING FAKE!!!!!!!

There is a lot going on in your life that is making you unhappy. I want you to feel better and have the relationships in your life that you need. However, I am not the person that can be your therapist or even your friend. I know that this sounds harsh, but I'm speaking from my heart with honesty.

You're speaking out your ASS with EXCUSES for not being what you CLAIMED.

I don't know what your life is like right now, if you are still as unhappy as you were 3 years ago,

You don't know because you didn't give the slightest bit of thought to it. Because you don't give a shit about me at all, you have avoided me and now are able to claim ignorance. NO FUCKING SHIT you DON'T KNOW. Your logic is flawed and you contradict yourself from paragraph to paragraph, let alone along the time line of our "friendship."

and if you are still getting help. I honestly hope that things are going better for you. I may be stepping out of line here, but I think you said also that you think you have Asberger's Syndrome - if so, the only recommendation I can make is that you get yourself a good cognitive-behavioral therapist (not just any type of therapist, but a CBT therapist that has been trained in this specific type of therapy that has shown to be effective) that can help you work through some of the issues associated with that (if you still have on-going issues).

i already let you have it via email for your ignorance here. There are enough blog entries and comments around the web from me on ignorant professionals... like you are attempting to become. i hope you don't get your PhD. For the sake of other people.

And, finally, signed with the greatest heap of insincere buck-passing, fake bullshit:

I really wish you the best and hope that you can move on with your life with love and hope.

Sincerely,
[another liar]

Another elise. or jana. or even just yet another generic fucking sociopath-to-be borderliner.

Thank you for breaking my heart, my soul, my will and my ability to try.

Thank all of you.

463 - a lesson in observation and self awareness

i used to think the "personal web page" was an icon of egotistical trend followers... Then i ended up making one of my own as a combination of portfolio and resume... and some personal politics.

Then came "the web log," which quickly became known as... "the blog."

"The blob?"
"No, the blog."
"Oh."

i thought blogging was another icon of egotistical, trend following, pet rock buying, meme spreading "something old is new again (because it has a different name)."

Now i have had one of these things for over three years. This being the 463rd posting, i thought to mention that my initial "distaste" for a "new fad" was probably just a trigger and response function of having spent 12 years in grade school, where fads were more important than life itself. It WAS life, in fact, to most people i "grew up with." i hate fads. i hate egoism. The last thing i want to do is follow a fad, appear to follow a fad or care about fads.

My aversion was also probably fueled somewhat by the "i'm uncomfortable with something new and different(ish)... things are changing... i don't like differentness and change..." feelings that come from my autistic traits.

Then again, according to many people who should be "in the know" (and are not), i'm not autistic (even though A Guide to Asperger's Syndrome is a rather excellent user manual for my life and brain).

One way or another, i grew past my aversions. Most likely by finding a contextual purpose for these things in my life. More importantly, i stopped being "anti" and negative minded about them. Good thing, too, because the aversion wasn't logical or rational. i know this by watching, observing and seeing other people have similar behaviors and then comparing myself to them. i don't do this to be "superior." i do this to check myself. Instead of hunting down a person who will support my negative views, i spend some time being objective about these traits in me when i see them in others. i see the traits as intolerant and fearful emotional reactions to things they do not understand. People criticize what they do not understand, right? Do i want to be one of those ignorant people?

No.

My ex-boss, the sociopath jefferson, at KU, has/had an aversion to realtime chat online. It is one of the features of Blackboard that he refused to utilize and tended to disparage. We discussed it, somewhat, and i shared my attempt at a balanced view of chatting. Yes, i admitted, there are some down sides such as poor reading comprehension of "chat speak" and typing speed limitations which make the tool uncomfortable for the "uninitiated" ... but what if you could add another potential route of communication to your teaching tools that enabled an entir