the king of puhlease stop already

is there a single website i can go to that isn't going on about you-know-who?

abnormal

i posted my respect for Ju Gosling's work once before... & now again: HERE.

more inappropriate censorship on the part of flickr

under the guise of removing offensive content, flickr continues to offend its users by removing them with no warning or explanation.  this time the crime was... expressing left wing political opinions.  read about it on Thomas Hawk's blog.

what's been missing all along: everyone else's empathy

i don't need to analyse my dreams. i know what they're about almost automatically. never had to interpret much at all. but twenty minutes ago an element finally became clear that's been ever present in a majority of them... as too the reason why.

like many, this was a dream of me crying and screaming at parents, family, people... about my suffering. the topic was my home. lost home. as in several dreams, two houses that were once mine, with each being taken away by neglect and disuse. in the dream, i was verbally assaulting tony about his passive-aggressive ways in which he saw to it that i did not get, and then could not keep, my own home. jace's home.

when i woke, thinking on all my emoting in the dream... and everyone's total DISinterest... everyone's lack of responsiveness... something became painfully, miserably clear:

my environment clearly lacks empathy amongst its majority of residents. i can talk, cry and scream till i'm silenced by force or wasting away, and no one has enough empathy to be moved toward changing anything. no one has empathy, so no one thinks there's reason to act. no one acts, so there's never a change. there's never a change, so my attempts to pull reactions from the beings i live among become more dramatic and despirate.

they're incapable of feeling for others. or, at least incapable of feeling for me. they lack a theory of mind. they lack empathy enough to be moved. to be outraged. to recognize me as a suffering member of their species.

i could rewrite this to make it more clear and easier to understand, but now that i have this concept firmly in my own mind... i know there's just no point in trying to do so.

this is how it always was. this is how it always will be. every attribute they proclaim is mine, has been projected upon me from their own defective selves. since i've willingly identified myself as autistic, it's been license for them to take away even more of my humanity, ignore more of my suffering, my despirate pleading... to write it off easier than ever before...

"he's just autistic, don't think much on him. he's just fucked up. it's not really important. certainly not as important as he tries to make it look."

"...not as important as he tries to make it look..." sums up the disrespect i've dealt with from almost every betraying friend, lover, family member, employer, co-worker, blog stalker... almost perfectly.

in states unknown and accents yet unspoken

sing about death and dying.
a happy song with skulls,
tears, grey hair, dust &
rusting star ships.

finite. perishable. burst like bubbles
or deflate like this horrible bit of cremative writing.

cans, bottles, wrappers, scattered
along the roadside, tossed
by careless beings
that used to play here and slaughter
the innocent.

detritus. left to die, alone, unneeded.
autistic child, become my adult corpse.

lost myself in this burnt out shell

click for a larger view (larger than what's in the gallery)

this was my home, once. i was a person, once. i used to know what i was.
i cared. i thought it mattered. i thought something was worth the effort.
turned out, there is nothing, this is not my home and i am nobody.
now i'm just a shell within a shell. a burnt out man in a burnt out home.

new photochops [updated]

updated the gallery... 5 new images...
[updated with 5 more and they're all larger now]

don't i have the RIGHT to NOT be drugged??

d'you know, if they force you into hospital, they can forcibly INJECT you w/medication any asshole doctor prescribes? even if you're AUTISTIC, they don't know SHIT about you, autism &/or they specialize in CHILDREN (not adults). where is fucking human rights & dignity? they can take it away. i call THAT despotic. i call it neuroracist SLAVERY.

4+ years of effexor xr wrecked my life. off it five(?) months, still feel it. still prisoner to clonazepam (1 of 4 drugs given to me to hide effexor side effects, which i had all, incl. the "secret" ones like a BLEEDING ANUS).

neurological observations of jace

- THIS i sent to a beautiful, intelligent & talented girl i met on flickr. she was seeking answers to personal issues. it helped her determine she has AS. she eventually became an asshole to me (blaming me for her cruelty - notice the trend - she must have BPD, too). originally compiled for disability/diagnosis purposes, now posted here in case someone finds it useful/helpful.

- THIS was donna's list, which she refused to email me; had to do transcription from paper notes myself, which was actually good since i was able to add notations (again, posted in case you find it useful).

these text files display incorrectly in Mac Firefox. use Safari or save file to disk. blogger wrecks "local" links when re-publishing. if anyone edits these posts, please test the links.

full "On," or full "Off"

from me to a friend, about so-called black & white thinking in people with AS. it references sex, but it applies to many "B&W issues" with autism. especially important read for relationship partners where one or both have AS. read HERE (save to disk & read w/TextEdit if using Firefox on Mac; Safari is fine.)
note: i suggested medication as a possibility. i take that back. after 4+ years on an SSRI & several benzodiazepines, i warn everyone AGAINST medicating for "behavioral" issues. click on the "medication" label for more on that topic.

an endless debate

chat transcript: myself & a guy i worked with at Kensington Tech Support in 2000. i was still with jana & employed full time (thought i had a life so didn't consider ending it; my prior view on suicide).

interesting & telling (annoyingly): steve's constant asking questions he doesn't like my answers to (so stop asking!). a perfect example of what i've dealt with in "believers..." & everyone else. people conflict with me because of their OWN doubts & fears... their OWN need to be right & "normal."

very long, hard to read: HERE.

thoughtful and aware people

here's one: http://thetoofarfuture.blogspot.com/
(with respect and thanks)

The Desire to Hurt Back

I wear a breathing mask to protect against the dust cloud that forms as I change cat litter. Today as I took off that mask after a particularly smelly change, I lost my grip on one of the elastics and sent it snapping back onto my skin. "Fuck You!" I yelled with a nasty expression on my face, then finished taking it off.

This isn't the first time I've yelled at an inanimate object. And I'm not even sure I was yelling at the object. I may just as easily have been yelling at my fingers for losing their grip. On one level, it's an "Ow!" reaction. An immediate response to pain. But the choice of words is clear: a desire to hurt back is revealed.

This is important to understand because I've been realizing the much larger implications of such behavior. Sticking with the current example, I am glad to have my fingers and the breathing mask. They are both of great use to me. I generally feel no ill will towards them. But I got hurt and whether it was an accident or not, my habit is to express the pain and hurt back.

Sure, my fingers and the mask are none the wiser. But I would feel guilt if my act of hurting back extended to damaging something (i've hurt myself more than objects, but have been known to slam something down too hard and cause a bit of damage). What if, instead of hurting sometTHING, I hurt someONE? That's where it gets dangerous because this behavior doesn't end at inanimate objects. Or maybe it does END there, but it begins with an inclination to hurt back people who've intentionally or unintentionally injured me.

It isn't difficult for me to trace back the source of this behavior. I look back to my mother who taught me to escalate a conflict, to my immature classmates who teased me endlessly, to the friends who lied and betrayed, to the boys who used my body and laughed about it, and the feelings of helplessness and hopelessness that arose as a result of so many being shitty to me.

Over time I became hyper-vigilant, suspicious of everyone. If you make it through my walls, become someone I trust and care about, and then you hurt me, in those instances of hurt you become one of them.

That's the feeling. The truth is it didn't take me long to learn the type of person who was hurting me. If you strike me as being that type, the kind who will hurt me randomly with little to no remorse, I won't give you the benefit of the doubt. Admittance to my inner circle requires that you exhibit a tendency to introspect and difficulty with the business-as-usual (anti)social behaviors.

Still, everyone makes a mistake now and then. And sometimes I make a mistake in judging someone else's behavior negatively. How I react at these times is a product of many variables: my mood, my stress level, whether it's a first time or repeat offense, whether the offense too closely mirrors something traumatic from the past, etc. I am generally more thoughtful about getting back at a person than I am an inanimate object, but there are still times when I hurt back.

When the factors lead me to hurt a person back, it often feels good in the instant and rotten in the long term. In most cases I later discover the person either wasn't trying to hurt me or that they were under stress and said something they didn't mean. Other times the person is doing just what I'm describing of myself: they believe I've done something to injure them so they hurt back. In these instances it's easy for each party to feel the other deserves to be hurt. In these instances a conflict can EASILY escalate out of control over something that could have been stopped if one or both parties had been able to express their hurt without the "hurt back."

That's the goal then. The expression of injury must not be kept inside. It festers, accumulates and predisposes one to a blow up rife with hurting back. But the "hurt back" is a terrible habit. It's a blight on society and it must be struggled against.

This is so easy to recognize and apply in this moment but not so easy when the mind is hot with pain and anger. We feel like a bitch and a fool if we don't stick up for ourselves. We are terrified of being used and abused again when so many have run us over. So how then do we learn to break this mechanism? How do we remind ourselves, when feeling so self-defensive, to shut off our own self, our own ego, and see through the perspective of those who have hurt us?

Is it even safe to do so? Is it possible to have lasting human relationships if we don't do so?

I think it's a risk, but a small one with great reward. We don't have to deny the validity of our feelings in the long run. We have to silence them long enough to see another's feelings and motivations. We can then use information from both perspectives to build a better response. "I felt very hurt by ___. I think I understand why you said ___ but not why you said ___. I'm confused. Can you explain it to me?"

That doesn't guarantee we'll get an explanation we like, or an explanation at all. The other party might tell us to eat shit and die. At which point the best approach might be to diffuse things by asking for a recipe. The point is, we can't force another person to de-arm themselves and resolve an interpersonal conflict peacefully, but we can refuse to fight, and we should.

To answer my latter question, yes, it is possible to have lasting human relationships that are full of nasty conflicts. But they won't be nearly as enjoyable or meaningful as the ones where both parties strive to resolve their conflicts peacefully.

Again, these are easy things to recognize now but not when the mind is hot with pain and anger.

I am human. Imperfect. I invested a lot of time last week in a communication that was taken badly. To hurt was not my intention, but my words in that communication led to another's hurt. I couldn't understand it. My brain only knew that I invested a lot of time in writing a letter who's goal was to resolve a conflict between the recipient and another, not to hurt the recipient.

That recipient lashed out, hurt me back. I struggled against my ego, tried to understand, but my mind was hot with pain and stress. I am human. Imperfect. Sensitive. I behaved wrongly. Days later I snapped and got digs in that escalated the conflict. Now he is silent. I imagine he's doing the responsible thing that I tried to do but failed at, that he's keeping quiet until his mind cools down enough to proceed without further escalating the conflict. If that is the case, I am so proud of him.

And I am ashamed of myself. I feel I should have acted better. Yet I realize beating myself up about it isn't a solution. So I view this as another opportunity to learn. I post it here to share my self understanding, and also so that I might look upon it the next time I feel the urge to hurt someone back. Perhaps revisiting the thoughts and feelings of today will be an aid in shutting down tomorrow's ego.

I submit my question again: How then do we learn to break this habit? How do we remind ourselves, when feeling so self-defensive, to shut off our own self, our own ego, and see through the perspective of those who have hurt us? If you have a method, insight, or find yourself similarly struggling, please share your comments so we may grow together.

James Williams (of Illinois)

www.jamesmw.com is an good site for parents to read for perspective.

it can't rain all the time... but maybe it should

it can rain all the time, but it's rarely a satisfying electrical storm like this morning (CRW_4683)

the dead and dying

two old, one new.

PROOF that the home invasion was unwarranted

blogavoidant did some research for me about my exposure to carbon monoxide. you know, the reason i was torn from my home in handcuffs, sanctioned by my fucking false parents... She sent this to my "mother" to prove to them that they were WRONG and were pushed around by ignorant crisis intervention FUCKWADS. no response ever came.

I have read the ER report and the police report from the night Jace was 302'd.

The ER records say that he was given oxygen (2 liter/min) shortly after he arrived. It mentions absolutely nothing about the hyperbaric unit.

I called the hyperbaric unit at St Luke's Allentown. They say that they don't keep separate records anymore, and that if the ER sent someone to their unit it would be noted in the ER records.

So... Jace's statement that he was not put in a hyperbaric chamber is confirmed.
[jace's emphasis]

The ER report does contain two Carbon Monoxide measurements. The level was 11 on arrival (as probably measured by a finger probe) and about an hour later it was 5.4 (as measured in a blood draw). I confirmed with the ER that these two measurements would be on the same scale and be in the same units. I don't understand the units, but it has to do with carboxyhemoglobin concentrations per milliliter of blood.

http://biology.about.com/library/blco.htm

According to this page... "The half-life of carboxyhemoglobin is approximately 5 hours. This means that for a given exposure level, it will take about 5 hours for the level of carboxyhemoglobin in the blood to drop to half its current level after the exposure is terminated."

Jace left the garage before 8pm and arrived at the ER around 12:30am. That's almost 5 hours, so it's a fair estimate to say that his CO levels when he left the garage were probably around 20.

That page has this chart, which seems to be in the same units:

%COHb - Symptoms and Medical Consequences
10 -- No symptoms. Heavy smokers can have as much as 9% COHb.
15 -- Mild headache.
25 -- Nausea and serious headache. Fairly quick recovery after treatment with oxygen and/or fresh air.
30 -- Symptoms intensify. Potential for long term effects especially in the case of infants, children, the elderly, victims of heart disease and pregnant women.
45 -- Unconsciousness
50+ - Death

So, it looks like, without any treatment, he might have had a headache and upset stomach for a while, and intervention to save him from CO poisoning was unnecessary.

It has since been confirmed via EMS records that there was NO blood test or CO test done in the ambulance. Kind of suggests that no one really considered it a real issue and that no one was willing to put out the effort to potentially prove the situation a sham. i also suggest that the EMS lady in the ambulance was a clock punching arrogant jerk who ALSO made several statements of conjecture about me, my disabilities, "violence potential" (she saw a knifed doll in my wall which was a representation of how society HATES ME, and declared it to be a "history of violence"). She claimed to understand AS. The same way EVERYONE DOES: "i know someone who has a child with AS..." As if that counts. i know the names of states, but that doesn't mean i know what it's like to live there or what their laws are. FUCKING IGNORANT ASSHOLE. just another clock puncher who can't wait till her shift is over while having the fucking AUDACITY to pretend i'm offending her personally by telling her she doesn't care and doesn't understand. This is also the same asshole who claimed i was "not cooperative." I WAS BOUND BEHIND MY FUCKING BACK AND LAYING LIMP ON A GURNEY!!! not much to do to be uncooperative!!!

I FEAR THESE FUCKING PEOPLE NOW. THEY ARE NOT INTERESTED IN HELPING OTHERS.

i HATE YOU. coplay is LAWLESS; bitch neigbors can do whatever they want because they're good 'ol boy miserable elderly CUNTS. FUCK COPLAY!! [UPDATED]

anna is allowed to blast her motherfucking television from 5pm to 10pm. It's so loud that i cannot sleep, or even think in MY OWN HOUSE. i cannot work in my studio to attempt suicide-preventing creativity. i can make out the words to her mindless television game shows.

the OTHER one harasses me about my lawn. OH WAIT. BOTH DO THAT. and she has loud company EVERY FUCKING WEEKEND. have i EVER complained about that?

NO!
WHAT'S MY REMEDY?
NOTHING.
ABUSE FROM ELDERS, TARGETED AT DISABLED PEOPLE.

when i've had enough, I AM THE ONE TO BE PUNISHED.

FUCK YOU ALL. COPLAY, YOUR SICK, DEMENTED, CONSERVATIVE, CRUEL and SOCIOPATHIC WARMONGERING COMMUNITY. FUCK YOU ANNA, DOTTY (ignoring my polite hellos and that of my friend, because they reported my lawn to the CUNTS at coplay borough BULLSHIT SQUAD - all that matters is GRASS!).

FUCK YOU POLICE CHIEF IGNORANT ASSHOLE GENOVESE. FUCK YOU EMS, POLICE. YOU TERRIFY ME.
FUCK YOU INTIMIDATING CRISIS CONTROL!

FUCK YOU, PARENTS.

FUCK YOU "FRIENDS" like JOHN and TAMMY and JEFFERSON.

FUCK YOU LEHIGH COUNTY, EMS, CRISIS INTERVENTION.
FUCK YOU KUTZTOWN UNIVERSITY.

FUCK YOU JEFFERSON. SOCIOPATHIC MONSTER.

i'm a FUCKING NOBODY because YOU ALL SAY SO!! "Asperger's Disease..." YOU FUCKING IGNORANT MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKING RETARDS. It's called Asperger's SYNDROME and you don't recover from, or grow out of, it.

i TRIED TO EDUCATE YOU AND YOU IGNORED IT.

YOU MOTHERFUCKING COPLAY POLICE MOTHERFUCKERS TOLD EMS that i "MIGHT BE VIOLENT" when you INVADED MY HOME. YOUR predisposed them against me, unjustly.

COCKSUCKERS. MANIPULATORS. SOCIOPATHS.

OFFICER REED and EMS reports are LIES:

i received the records from both the hospital(s) and Coplay Police and i am beyond disgusted. Not only did i have to suffer the abuse of the home invasion, the betrayal of my father, harassment by police and community, but THE RECORDS ARE WRONG, DEFAMATORY and INSULTING.

The ER documents are SELF CONTRADICTORY (no history of violence, history of violence, no history of violence, back and forth).

Officer REED MISQUOTED NEARLY EVERYTHING I SAID during the event.

In fact, i don't recognize almost anything that he claims i said (in his report), but i CAN see all the places he seems to have randomly pulled "data" from to put together into his preferred order as a person who wants things his way or just is plain incompetent. With the police, i am finding BOTH to be likely at the same time.

Part of Reed's misquoting of me was to call Asperger's syndrome a "DISEASE."

IT'S NOT A DISEASE, YOU INCOMPETENT IGNORANT MOTHERFUCKER!!!

No further need to prove that Coplay Police did NOT read the AS book i gave to the Chief. This fact is DEMONSTRATED RIGHT THERE in REED's report. They clearly know NOTHING about AS and nothing about how to handle a person like me. NOR DO THEY WANT TO. They never even had the decency to reply to my email (TO THE POLICE) to educate them ABOUT dealing with persons who have AS! NOTHING. Not one word.

i was wrongfully committed by ignorant clock-punching moron-people, using a long string of coercion and supposition. The 302 is NOT VALID, nor is the invasion of my home. tony has since admitted that it was a mistake but has he done anything to correct it or make amends? FUCK NO because he's a complacent ASSHOLE with only his own interests in mind.

In Reed's report, Reed stated that tony informed him "the door is usually kept unlocked." There is NOTHING LEGAL ABOUT THIS. Tony did not, nor has he EVER had the RIGHT to tell anyone they are allowed to enter my home.

i've been mistreated by everyone involved: REED, GENOVESE, TONY, DONNA, Dr. DUQUE, LEHIGH COUNTY/CRISIS...

MOST of Officer Reed's "inaccuracies" are claims made about things i said.

i KNOW what things i SAID, because i HAVE a BETTER MEMORY than MOST people about dialog, ESPECIALLY under THESE KINDS OF SITUATIONS and about what i MYSELF SAID! It's a known AS ability to have "abnormally" accurate memories of dialog and words spoken. i have eidetic memory in most cases. It's considered one of the "gifts" of being autistic!

Here's a bit from Reed's report that would be funny if this were a laughable situation: REED CLAIMS, in his report, that i TOLD HIM i "RAN OUT OF GAS." OH REALLY? If that's so, why was the engine running and still plenty of gas in the tank when i consciously and actively chose to SHUT OFF THE ENGINE and ABANDON my suicide attempt? You know, ON MY OWN. Ending my own crisis, as told to do when they put you in with counselors. Why was there gas in my car's gas tank when i returned home? Did some magical gasoline fairy put it there?

Reed either LIED or is an incompetent and more interested in "getting it done" than due process. He got every detail so incorrect as to appear that he wasn't really there! How can a person report on something they weren't there to witness? Apparently, Coplay Police can write whatever they want on reports without having anyone check that their reports are correct or even near reality.

YOU'RE ASSHOLES.

Reed's statements are so INCORRECT... TO THE LEVEL OF THE WHOLE THING BEING A CHECKLIST OF WHY HE SHOULD BE SUED, FIRED why HE OWES ME for pain and suffering CAUSED BY HIM, and why he should be banned from ever working as a police officer ever again. He should be put on investigation into his ability to carry out his job in a proper and professional manner. He should be punished severely for being the exact opposite of what a police officer SHOULD BE. He caused me EXTREME suffering with his actions in the 302, his conduct at the scene, invading my home, his "report" and the VIOLENT treatment i received at the hands of his officers AND EMS!!

He used tony cavacini's talk about my door being unlocked to invade my home. He snuck into my house with a flashlight, which he projected into my face, in the dark, in my bedroom, upstairs on the second floor, unannounced, uninvited, taking me totally by surprise (causing my reported "anger" - CAUSE AND EFFECT, YOU PIECE OF SHIT MOTHERFUCKING INCOMPETENT COP). Content in his report is incomprehensible because of how sloppily it was written or INTENTIONALLY to OBFUSCATE the truth. Some bullshit regarding some "police welcome" sign (which i have since torn up after they betrayed my trust and what more important thing is there than to TRUST your local law enforcement??), the "okay from tony" and Reed invited/invented himself a way in with no legal legal validity, placed vaguely in his report to explain how he ended up in my house.

This is the same man that i ORDERED to demonstrate the very statements he claimed i'd made and prove their existence. He was misquoting my own emails to me, in my own bedroom (when police, county and EMS were surrounding my bed, like jackals ready for a kill, which they eventually took). He claimed: "You said you were gonna fuck us up!" On the spot, wrong (this is way before the police report, and things should still be fresh in his pathetic memory). i demanded he find that very piece of correspondence and PROVE it.

HE PROVED HIMSELF WRONG!

To a whole room full of witnesses (who didn't bat an eye lid, either, because apparently no one had their thinking caps on and everyone was just running on automatic, which is NOT PROPER BEHAVIOR FOR HANDLING "a crisis!!!"). He then simply and rapidly redirected the topic and started rambling on about how it "implied" this or that and suddenly was on a different topic, evading the fact that he was FUCKING WRONG and continuing his verbal manipulation (so incompetent about what materials had sent him into the house, where he never should have been in the first place).

Yes, i was "MISQUOTED" for other people's benefit, against me and my reputation. Just like sharon picus and jefferson did at KU when they attempted to strong-arm me, verbally, and harass me. Specifically, in picus's case, with a threat of defamation lawsuit due to my blog of truthful and mostly anonymous content.

i DEMANDED she prove this. SHE PROVED HERSELF WRONG.

Picus even hissed an apology for being wrong. Except there was only picus and myself in THAT situation. No witnesses.

THe HOME INVASION SITUATION HAS WITNESSES. none of which have the HUMANITY to do anything about it. They don't care about "care" because they only care about clock punching and paychecks. i bet not ONE of them can remember anything much clearer than Reed. Likely worse, their disinformation was fueled by Reed. No one cared or was interested in actually knowing what was REALLY GOING ON.

What was really going on was this: A person with PTSD and AS was being shoved into "the system" without any care as to what kind of damage that would do nor any care as to why they were even doing it.

It was clear then, and shamefully clear NOW with the report, that Reed was MAKING IT UP on the spot, for the BENEFIT OF HIS POSITION, which was to do as the county said to do (collect me for a 302). If i don't show any signs of being a danger to myself or anyone else, then there's no legal basis for the 302 that tony was coerced into signing and the county would have had to dismiss it and leave, wasting all that time and MONEY on people's time and equipment. i was forced through the meat grinder so that no one would have to be wrong. Just jace. i was forced through the meat grinder so everyone could do their day/night job as the assembly line instructions tell them to.

Lucky people to HAVE a job.

The ER report claimed i was "chronically unemployed." What the hell does that mean? i had my career RUINED by people like those who wrote out the ER and Police reports. People who are either liars, can't see, hear, read or remember with any clarity, or all the above.

Where did this 302 come from anyway? It was SUGGESTED to tony over the phone by crisis intervention (the county), which clearly has no understanding of the situation, my life, me as a human being, or human beings with ASPERGER'S SYNDROME.

No one TALKED TO **ME** DURING THIS ENTIRE PERIOD OF TIME TO DETERMINE MY CONDITION (the period of time between my emails and when they invaded my home). That's about two or so hours. If they believed there was such a case of need for emergency 302 action and/or medical intervention, why did no one even COMMUNICATE with me in that span of time? Why did it take over two hours for anything to happen? Why did the EMS lady NOT test my blood levels. EVER??

They didn't WANT to involve me. They wanted the process to go as THEY WANT IT TO GO. THEIR WAY. BY THEIR RULES. How casual this crisis was until they had tony's go-ahead to go grab the meat in the box and toss it into the machine.

Tony took the "suggestion" (the pressure, coercion, FUD, after being told "what could happen to me") and tony then signed a form. That's TONY CAVACINI, a known crisis himself. Tony is a catastrophist. He CREATED the 302 situation (likely with donna's panic and catastrophizing and whatnot) and put the whole show into action based on crisis' suppositions, guessing, my angry emails, county/crisis' verbal coercion and innuendo (a thing i've experienced first hand and have discovered that they CAN and CANNOT do certain things without YOUR invitation to do so, which they will try to verbally harass out of you like getting a confession out of a criminal on the stand in tv drama court).

Everything Reed said to and about me was to weaken my position and make me seem dangerous or irrational to the county people in the room. He had to put on a show for them or they might have seen ma as a totally rational (if rightfully angry) man, naked in bed, who'd recently been trying to get sleep before his home was invaded by a police officer who had no legal right to enter the private property they were all standing in.

His report is one of the worst reports of ANY situation i've ever seen (knowing both sides of and then reading about). It isn't near accurate enough to even BE a legally binding report. It's like playing whisper down the ally with the devil, as the cliche goes, only here, it's actually happened!! i've seen reports better than this done by terrible technical support agents at work; at least technical support people get occasional details correct.

Reed's report... there isn't any punctuation. There are incorrect statements. There are manufactured statements and incorrect terms. Grammar problems. Etcetera. Should this merely be "accidental," it is so inaccurate and sloppy that this man has NO BUSINESS being a POLICE OFFICER or in ANY position of authority, especially taking record of events he has ego-driven influence over!

PEOPLE LIKE THIS HAVE RUINED EVERY ASPECT OF MY LIFE!! HE'S A DANGEROUS ASSHOLE JUST LIKE HIS CHIEF!

i have been SEVERELY MISTREATED, violated, harassed and BETRAYED. The records are INCORRECT and might as well be considered LIES for the trash can.

i explicitly declare some of Reed's statements to be LIES and i'd fight him in a court of law on them, because they are statements that are completely untrue and have had toxic, harmful damage to my LIFE (bringing me to the meat processing box they call a "Behavioral Health" ward) and any future LIFE, being in a "police report" that will reflect on me in the future, just like the medical records badly reflect on me to the police and to crisis and to my parents.

My PTSD IS OUT OF CONTROL NOW.

Tony and donna were told that i was taken to lehigh valley hospital and put into a hyperbaric chamber.

DO ANY OF YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS AND WHAT IT IS FOR??

i DO! i bet YOU don't!!

i was NOT put in any kind of ANYTHING except verbal and emotional ABUSE! NO hyperbaric chamber!

The only pressure applied to me was harassment, via verbal defamation on the spot to the county so they could haul me away, and the pressure put on my wrists by Reed's handcuffs (which, if you read the ER reports, you will see ONE TINY reference to noting a pressure injury on my right wrist) and in Reed's report he stated "for the safety of the officers." Yeah, safety, right. i was so violent with my passive laying there, on my back, naked in bed. TIRED. Passivity. THEY BUILT ME UP TO HEATED ARGUMENT JUST TO PUT WEIGHT TO THEIR BOGUS CLAIMS. Oh YEAH, it's fucking vitally important to protect the officers against an autistic's physical passivity.

NO HYPERBARIC CHAMBER!

Who told tony and donna this nonsense? A liar? Did someone just made a little "oopsy?"

Here's what happened: i was given oxygen in an ER room and told to sit on a bed for an hour, despite having NO signs of ill effect. They treated me based ENTIRELY, 100%, on reports, my own voluntary explanation of the situation and a "higher than normal" CO level in my blood (blood taken with needles that i cooperated with).

i had no ill effects.

i had no ill effects because i didn't pass out and and did not have dangerous levels of CO in my blood. i never even became disoriented (as you can see in the ER reports). i turned off my car and went into the house to shower the sweat, water and dirt off of my body, take care of the cats and try to go to bed to sleep off the anger and distress caused by external persons.

FACTS ABOUT CARBON MONOXIDE AND MY SITUATION:

Then i was put into a hell hole called St. Luke's of Quakertown's "Behavioral Health" ward and bullied and coerced by a "doctor" called DUQUE who claims to be "THE BEST PSYCHIATRIST THERE IS!" (Direct Quote)

YOU PEOPLE OWE.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH YOU OWE.

Worst of all:

Any REASONABLE PERSON should GREATLY FEAR any POLICE DEPARTMENT and county that has THE IMPUNITY to behave as these people have behaved, especially with regards to LIES in RECORDS, treatment of people with disabilities... OR EVEN IF THEY WERE JUST PLAIN TERRIBLY "INACCURATE!!"

You know what options are available to me to do anything about any of this?

THIS STUPID BLOG.
that's it.
No defenders. No advocates. No lawyers. No rights organizations.
Unless someone would like to actually take this situation seriously and SUE Coplay PD and the County, which i doubt.

i clearly have NO rights, NO recourse, NOTHING that i can do WHATSOEVER because i cannot afford a lawyer of my own. That's the spirit of the USA, my family (the cavacini clan of lawyers and such), the community of Coplay and "the law" everywhere.

Maybe i could pull a totally legal smear campaign against Officer Reed or CPD?

i can't even SLEEP.
i lose. again.
My last resort is to seek help from "right to death" organizations.

YOU WIN.
CONGRATULATIONS AND SHAME TO YOU.

As it has said on my door for a long time now: you all made me SO MUCH WORSE with your treatment and abuse.

SHAME ON YOU. Now go continue your harassment of me by calling this "an incoherent rant," just like my legal counsel in the 302 hearing called my writing... my defender smeared me... right there in the hearing. Isn't that nice? i'm a great deal more coherent than Officer Reed, as seen in his reporting ability.

it's on the fucking RECORDS. the lame and unprofessional records that REED tossed onto the report sheet. i have it.

YOU HAD NO FUCKING RIGHT. I HAD NO HISTORY OF VIOLENCE.YOU FUCKING MINDLESS HEARTLESS "DO HARM" EMS CUNTS. You CLAIMED I HAVE A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE BECAUSE OF AN ARTISTIC EXPRESSION ARTWORK PIECE IN MY HOUSE THAT DECRIED THE SOCIAL ABUSE YOUR KIND HAVE DEALT ME AND YOU ARROGANT FUCKS CALL THAT A "HISTORY OF VIOLENCE!!"

FUCK YOU. i hope you LOSE YOUR JOBS, YOUR FAMILY, YOUR THIN-AS-THREAD CREDIBILITY and go to prison. GET TERMINAL ILLNESSES and DIE...

...it's THE ONLY JUSTICE... It's what you've given me.

FUCK YOU

...FOR WHAT
YOU'VE DONE TO ME!!

FUCK YOU ALL.

I DEFY THEE!!!!!!

i've edited this over six times to make the formatting acceptable. blogger is a piece of fucking shit. there's nothing i can do other than manually editing tons of HTML and removing DIV and SPAN tags. FUCK THAT.

dignity at the end of life... what if you want the end and you're not "terminally ill?"

http://www.candcofwa.org/initiative.html

the egos rage on at socipathic Kutztown University's Rohrbach Library HELL HOLE [UPDATED]

this is just disgusting. i had to read bullshit from a former colleague at KU about "changes" at Rohrbach fucking Library on Assbook... so i replied to it. here's the deal:

Changes Contine [sic] in Rohrbach Library

To members of Kutztown University Rohrbach Library

Karen Wanamaker

May 20 at 10:02am ReplyReport Message. Changes continue during the summer in the Rohrbach Library. We are currently moving our Reference Collection to some empty shelves on the second floor in the Bound Periodicals area to make way for new shelving in the Reference/Information Commons. Once the new shelves are installed, the Reference Collection will return to the first floor.

A new feature to look forward to is the addition of a New Books area in the Information Commons by the end of the summer.

For those who are still on campus, come in and watch the progress. For those who are away for the summer, we look forward to showing you all of the improvements when you return!

To stay up-to-date with the library, don't forget to get RSS feed for our library blog. We announce new services and products on there, but we also post noteworthy days and famous birthdays and all sorts of interesting things.
http://rohrbachlibrary.wordpress.com!

"Changes Contine [sic] in Rohrbach Library"

Between You and Karen Wanamaker

Jace Cavacini

May 25 at 2:45am

Changes, huh? How about eliminating coflict-causing sociopathic employees who do not know enough to do the job they claim they can do? You know who i'm talking about: jefferson?

Is that sociopath still playing god with his toys and royal subjects, or has he been ejected from his seat of "more-power-than-his-job-title-grants?"

Do you know he played a clever manipulative bartering game to get that job in the first place? He promised to get a Library Science degree IF they hired him, even though the job REQUIRED the degree. How nice that he could play corporate deal making games to get the job without possessing the requirements at the time of hiring. That, and HR gave automatic points for having been in the military. Is that fair? i received no accommodation for my autism, nor for the PTSD jefferson gave me.

That cruel sociopath destroyed my career, my ability to work, and my social status at my place of employment with his terror campaign of character assassination.

Don't know what a sociopath is? Read the book, in your collection, "The Sociopath Next Door" by Martha Stout. It's like a manual for jefferson/picus/devlin behavior traits.

If you don't want me to respond next time, don't send me unsolicited messages that just spit in my face about goings on at KU. i had a career there. A career i LOVED. i was helping people with things they appreciated help with. My clients were comfortable with me (despite any nonsense jefferson has spread about my work ethic). i was FIRED for complaining to the powers that be about the abuse jefferson dealt me.

HR master sharon picus blew me off with the derailing and marginalizing statement "bullying isn't illegal."

jefferson harassed me non-stop, during and after i worked in "his center." He obstructed my work, reported lies about me to the dean and defamed me to my coworkers and clients. Ask Bob Flatley what jefferson's behavior was like when the name "jace" would come up.

Jefferson even verbally assaulted his own colleagues (ask Bob) for seeking my assistance, insulted the work i and his colleagues did together (privacy stops me from telling you which client of ours he did this with), and he ran a manipulation campaign, using me as the tool to do his unwarranted bidding, to eliminate Michael Seay from the position jefferson put him in.

Apparently, being abused and complaining about the abuse, and the immoral, and even illegal acts of a manager, is the quickest way to losing your job, no matter how excellently you perform it.

http://dysamoria.com/abuse

These are facts.

-jace cavacini, your former colleague beaten into disability by your sociopathic bosses and colleagues. no one did anything to help and many KNEW what was going on. Thanks a lot.

Karen Wanamaker

June 1 at 8:42am

Jace,
I don't think I deserved this kind of response. If you don't wish to receive updates on the library, you can remove yourself from our Facebook page. That is how I sent out the update.

Will is no longer a member of our library. He and Ted are their own department now for reasons that abound.

You are far too talented to continue to allow Will (and others) to have this kind of hold on you. Please try to move forward instead of holding on to what happened to you. I don't condone what was done. I just know that you had a lot of talent that is wasted with such anger. My best revenge on people in my past has been to be successful - dare I say MORE successful than they are. It's sweet. It doesn't take away the sting of what was done, but I just had to close a door and move on for my own future.

Best wishes.
Karen

Jace Cavacini

Today at 12:19am

i didn't deserve YOUR kind of response, Karen. i also didn't deserve that all the people who KNEW what was going on DID NOTHING TO HELP ME. all talk. talk talk talk.

it's great for you that you're able to just move on, Karen. i don't think i deserved what was done to me. Do you have autism? PTSD? a deathwish as a result of decades of social abuse?

"move on," "move forward..."
... sounds nice... i've done it repeatedly!

KU was the final straw. i CAN'T move forward. i have no WAY to move forward. no place to go. no way to do it. no one to help. no money. no way to make money. no ability to work or sleep or eat.

talent??? skill?? i can't concentrate long enough to make a coherent email, let alone do my own art/music. i was told all would be fine if i just did my work well... by devlin... and what was done? i was RAPED by arrogance, passivity, complacency and sociopathic selfishness and raging egos.

i'm on disability. i cannot function any more because of KU and jefferson/picus/devlin and decades of abuse just like the kind they gave me. there's no justice, no end to this. i was abused and my rights were violated. do you wake up screaming every time you go to sleep? can you sleep??

i DON'T ALLOW people to have a hold on me. how ARROGANT a suggestion!

stop blaming the victim, Karen. Not everyone is as capable as you, apparently.

i DID my work. i put in my time. i put out more effort than anyone can appreciate and all i get are these arrogant "self determination" tirades from people who think they know better.

you don't know better. you just play the game better than i ever could. like jefferson.

and because of that, people like you condemn me with "attitude problem." as if i choose to let people walk all over me. right, just like Ted CHOSE his sexuality, or you CHOSE your gender.

thanks for all the talk and not being a fellow human being when it mattered most. look out for yourself. just like everyone else in that horrific little world called KU.

Yes, i WAS talented. that's all gone now. i'm writing to "right to death" organizations as a last ditch effort to regain SOME form of dignity. what do you know about me and what i've been through?

NOTHING. surely not enough to TELL ME that i should just "let it go."
thanks for a lot of sunshine nonsense. it amounts to a punch in my nose.

Jace Cavacini

Today at 5:55am

Karen,

i removed myself from the library group, as you suggested... But i never asked to be part of the self-aggrandizing Rohrbach Library BS in the first place.

Shame on you for acting superior and for condemning ME for my response to you. Shame on you for acting like *I* did something unfair to YOU.

Shame on YOU for being part of the sociopathic game playing:
jefferson USED YOU as a TOOL to manipulate the slaves in his little game world. Shame on you for being part of his manipulation of me. Shame on you for contributing to jefferson's harassment of a poor overweight student worker in the LTC.

He said to me: "i asked Karen to tell me if she saw any particular wardrobe malfunction..." ... "Karen said 'I have a fat ass too but I keep it covered." (not the exact words, but close enough).

HE USED YOU to harass me, and to attempt to get me to harass a student worker. i RESISTED because HE WAS WRONG. SO WERE YOU.

The girl in question had merely sat in a chair that was smaller than her body and her clothing happened to unintentionally pull up a bit, allowing her flesh to be visible. jefferson's misogynistic intolerance of anything NOT to his personal preference meant that he felt the need to threaten me for NOT "correcting" this poor girl for BEING OVERWEIGHT.

there was no need to "correct" her for any "wrong doing". jefferson was simply intolerant, sexist, cruel, manipulative and nasty and he USED YOU as a tool to justify his crass and intolerant behavior.

SHAME ON YOU for participating and contributing to his misogynistic and cruel abusive behavior!

did you ever bother reading the large and truth-filled document i put together about jefferson, devlin, picus, KU and what they did to me? i bet you didn't.

YES, you DO CONDONE what was done because you PARTICIPATED, you were complicit AND you were complacent. As Sandra would say, "IF YOU PERMIT IT, YOU PROMOTE IT."

you fooled me. i thought you were one of the better ones. all that talk about how you felt about the social games being stupid... all that talk about how you were above the social games that they played when they picked on you about your choice of husband (because he isn't faculty) etc... you're just a bunch of game playing and complacent "life is wonderful" nonsense, Karen. Sandra was right to challenge your "why can't everyone just be friends" BS email. You have NO concept of what REALLY goes on and you don't CARE to understand it. You don't care to pay attention to the abuse and cruelty that you cheerfully ignore.

you HAVE CONDONED what happened because YOU DID NOTHING to change it.

You continue to CONDONE what happened by acting like it was something that was unavoidable and that it's somehow MY fault (me, the victim) because i "let it get to me." SHAME ON YOU!
You're a victim blamer!

You're a purveyor of the sociopathic game playing cruelty that is the hallmark of KUTZTOWN UNIVERSITY and Rohrbach Library's historic fundamental nature. YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT in the very things that you should be demonstrating taking a stand AGAINST.

SHAME ON YOU. you're an instructor at an EDUCATIONAL INSTITUTION.

instead of demonstrating the better behavior of humanity, you demonstrate NOT learning from history. Instead of demonstrating the better choices humans can make, you demonstrate the anti-social and selfish act of avoiding being a victim by BEING A VICTIMIZER, victim BLAMER and BLAMING victims for their suffering!!

SHAME ON YOU!!

you belong there in that community of egoists, self-aggrandizing abusive game players and FAILED educational instructors.

SHAME ON YOU FOR BLAMING THE VICTIMS.

SHAME ON YOU FOR BEING PART OF THE CRUELTY.

SHAME ON YOU FOR FAILING TO SET AN EXAMPLE OF BETTER BEHAVIOR.

SHAME ON YOU for claiming to be better than the rest. SHAME ON YOU for trying to shame ME!

Jace Cavacini

Today at 5:58am

"My best revenge on people in my past has been to be successful - dare I say MORE successful than they are."

SHAME on YOU for being JUST LIKE THEM by NOT taking a stand for what is RIGHT!

Shame on you for choosing what's best for YOU and your career/ego instead of standing up for what's best for PEOPLE!!
You're just like my oldest sister. Self before justice!
SHAME ON YOU!!

Jace Cavacini
[final message sent today, this morning]
"I don't think I deserved this kind of response."

Yeah, really? i didn't make it personal. YOU DID. you and your "move on" crappy attitude of blaming the victim. i don't think i deserved THAT kind of response to my sincere attempt to address a very important issue at your corrupt institution. corruptness that YOU CONDONE.

Just in case anyone needs reminders on what KU did to me: HERE,
and HERE.

Dear former colleagues at KU... If you were complacent, or even worse, contributor to what KU did to me, FUCK YOU. I HATE YOU. ALL of you motherfuckers.

[UPDATE]

Karen Wanamaker

Today at 9:37am

I don't need your reminders of what happened to you or your nastiness towards me. I DID go to bat for you several times with both Will and Peggy. I guess you have easily forgotten that. I have even said many NICE things about you since you have been gone. You were a nice guy and very talented. You never did anything wrong to me (until these messages) and so I never got on the anti-Jace bandwagon - though you seem to think I did.

I NEVER said anything nasty like you accuse me for that girl working for the LTC...you should know not to listen to rumors. And I was NOT being condescending to you in the last message I sent. I'm sorry you took it as such. I wish you the best. Please don't contact me again. You obviously hate me because I'm part of KU.

Actually i don't hate Karen. Certainly not because she's "part of KU." i also don't think she got on the anti-jace bandwagon. but she's clearly not interested in taking jefferson to task for what she now claims is "gossip" (lies).

i'm miserably disappointed in her because of her lack of ACTION. i LIKED Karen. i found her friendly, generous. But she refused to put on a stand. Not in private to jefferson or devlin (which accomplishes NOTHING), but PUBLICLY, including HR.

My hate words were under medication which is supposed to CALM me. Mu PTSD is too out of control for that medication to work. i'd rather go jump off a fucking roof than deal with people. yet here i am... trying to give people the facts they don't want to hear.

Of course, i can't tell her any of this since she stuck her fingers in her ears to protect her fantasy world in which she has more strength than myself.

[UPDATE 2]

oh, jefferson is not part of the library any more, huh Karen:

Will Jefferson Learning Technologies Center Coordinator email: wjeffers@kutztown.edu telephone: 610-683-4757 office: Room 27 of the Rohrbach Library

i notice the last vestiges of my work have been exterminated and only old stuff (and one new item) is in the portfolio. the crusade to eliminate my existence continues.

poverty means you can't read their letters

i have no money to pay a lawyer to represent me or even translate this fucking legalese bullshit. WTF does most of this garbage even mean? ever heard of plain language, you fucking elitist cunts? i'm an educated, intelligent person with a sharp grasp of the English language & this is not it. oh, and you filthy sociopathic corporate pigs, your money can be recovered from Wyeth and KU.

unrewarding work, unrespected intentions, antisociety

i spent a few hours working in the front & back yard. i'm weak, shaky & itchy. i'm disabled, you know? fuck. no one ever gives a piss about MY disabilities. they forever expect me to be a conforming mindless drone & have 1" perfect grass with razor sharp edging. i've physical issues thanks to the shit chemicals you fucktards pushed on me (john, doctors, etc).

dickwads of coplay:
if you can't tell the plants aren't weeds & that i'm working on a landscaping plan, go fuck yourselves. stay out of my world, creeps. i do my fucking best, as always... never fucking enough for you miserable cunts.
suck my rake.

i used to have a life, with a career, rewarding work & income to save. now i can't buy toilet paper. (and your drugs make me shit too much)

random dysamoria music upload

"new" mp3 available on the music page. "Alive and Well" is a modern version of an old mod. it's cheerful & nice. it doesn't reflect how i feel at all, but the work is mostly done & people wont download mod players... enjoy.

random music discovery: Hunz

nice stuff... http://hunz.bandcamp.com/album/thoughts-that-move
found via Renoise (a 'tracker style" music creation tool)

Attack of the 6 Inch Yard Police

the borough of coplay has seen fit to issue warning letters about the grass length in jace's yard. again. see attached image.

sigh.

first, i take personal offense because i trimmed the yard myself a week before this letter arrived.

second, i take personal offense because jace's neighbor, a woman i've never met and never had any cause to have a problem with, ignored me twice when i said hello to her this weekend. it isn't difficult to put two and two together and figure out she's probably the yard complainer.

after reviewing this notice, i wanted to review a copy of ALL the borough ordinances. i want to know what ordinances these old biddies are breaking. since that's the way they want to play it.

so i called the number on this notice and... got voice mail. i emailed the address on this notice and... it was returned undeliverable. i searched the borough website and... instead of finding useful information, i found misspelled (and thus broken) web links, and forms so rife with grammatical and typographical errors that they are almost unreadable. rain, chilly weather, and a strong desire for a nap conspired against me visiting the municipal building in person today.

sigh.

point 1: the local government's web staff is fucking lazy, at best, and the fact that no one in office took notice or cared to have a better job done with the borough's online presence tells me something about their attention to issues in general.

point 2: the lawn harassment is bullshit. we were already attending the lawn, both last week and again this week. there was no need for a notice. we trimmed the grass and let the intentional and unintentional flowers grow. i will personally debate with anyone who thinks they are the arbiter of what is and isn't a legitimate non-grass plant.

point 3: if lawn harassment continues, I WILL obtain a copy of the ordinances and see to it that we make the front yard as completely offensive and ugly to the surrounding neighbors as is legally possible. i will help jace make these neighbors yearn for the days when the yard contained tufts of 12 inch grass and two foot wildflowers. that's MY warning letter to you, coplay.

"Ferry & Nicholas" debt vultures [edited]

"Ferry & Nicholas:" debt vultures.

this is legal by US law? public record & all that. right. if you know how to treat it as illegal, let me know; i'll be sure to file a complaint with state police (or the FBI, since they list offices in other states). (click on the image to enlarge & read it)

from VictoryGrey:
i did a quick bit of internet research on Ferry & Nicholas. a google search of this company returned several links to ripoffreport.com and complaintsboard.com. it looks like they run a good scam on debters in dire straits.

they troll public records looking for lawsuits and send letters like this when they find them. a poster on complaintsboard.com claims he was charged $125 by Ferry & Nicholas to negotiate a fair payment, and was given hopes of decreasing the amount owed. the company representative kept telling him he was working on it, and as the date for trial approached, he suggested the poster should not pay any money nor should he attend the trial! thankfully the poster didn't take that advise and he avoided receiving a judgement against him.

another poster on ripoffreport.com was not so lucky. Ferrey & Nicholas told her everything was taken care of and suggested a payment plan. in the meantime, believing everything to be settled, she missed her court date and later received a letter informing her she'd lost her case because she didn't show up.

want to read another account? same story.

the first poster conducted a google search of his own and discovered the representative he'd been dealing with, Charles Arrotti, had previously been convicted of ID theft, phony lawyering, credit card fraud, and theft.

this is shitty, to say the least, and almost certainly not legal, but who is going to punish them? a throng of debtors who have no money and have already been sued themselves? *shakes head*

something of what i've been up to this week

reminding you i'm an actual person

Coplay Officer Reed and Cheif Genovese Destroyed My Home

and i will sue you, independently. for all you have. you threatened me. lied on police reports. lied to me. lied to EMS. bullied and acted with hostility to generate conflict because YOU THRIVE ON CONFLICT.

YOU ARE CRIMINALS and the LAW WILL FIND YOU, one way or another. best of all: you will die of old age and when death comes for you, you will suffer regret (but not remorse, because that is admission of guilt and responsibility). your "god" will refuse you and you will join the hell you mindlessly believe in, as part of this indoctrinated religious community of virgin mary sculptures and obnoxious churches that noise-pollute at 7:fucking AM in the morning, to which you have no comprehension whatsofucking ever.

did you ever schedule an appointment with William Stillman to LEARN about Autism and AS?
NO. You ASSAULTED Stillman with threats of defaming his credibility! YOU ARE CRIMINAL SOCIOPATHS with POWER over mindless sheep community members.

Well, NOT me.

i hate my "parents" so much it hurts me more than it will ever hurt them

[EDIT: i wish i had died years before i awoke]

i went to their house to destroy it. i couldn't do it. i wanted to smash every fancy window in their castle. the castle they created after their children moved out. the children that had to deal with hand-me-downs, broken appliances, abuse, harassment, cruelty, violence. even psycho-sexual abuse (i have a personal story for that topic).

i couldn't harm it because it is the ONLY place i ever called home. the quiet. the trees. the grass. the privacy. the utter beauty of it. all i could do was knock over a few cement (useless) pieces of donna-decoration. the woman that i hate for her cruelty. her psychological cruelty. her physical abuse.

but the house, i love. even with the stain of hate in the place. the stain that everyone but myself cannot bare.

when the house is sold, either by the natural deaths of donna and tony, or by their ignorant and disrespectful sale of it to buy a fucking pathetic condo... i wont receive a fucking thing. not the house. not a penny from the sale. they will happily dispose of it all because donna hates it and tony hates it because donna hates it and because he thinks it has been nothing but suffering.

they have no respect or appreciation for the castle, the $400K castle they live in.

AND I HATE THEIR FUCKING GUTS.

this isn't a violent hate. if tony wanted to start fisticuffs with me, i'd oblige, but i never attempted or started violence and i don't believe i ever would. but i HATE them with every ounce of my being. they earned it with abuse upon abuse and the disregarding of ME as a human being with thoughts, opinions, my own mind, and, most importantly: MORE KNOWLEDGE AND WISDOM than they will EVER have.

i wish they were dead. suicide dead. not at my hands. their own. more appropriately, and more importantly, i wish they had divorced 10+ years ago. the damage to their children would be far less. Even more importantly: they had no right to become parents. EVER. donna spawned children at 19, to a man who declared he was going to continue to see (fuck) other women. she could have walked away at that moment, despite what her fucking bitch cunt backwards elderly fool mother declared ("You made your bed, now you lay in it). THEY HAD CHOICES AND THEY DIDN'T MAKE THEM. Including not divorcing. Because they are complacent and co-dependent.

i wish they were dead at their own hands. i wish they never existed. i wish i was never born. i wish they never FUCKED to make children that they have NO RIGHT TO SPAWN. they have no personalities. No individualism. No sense of self. No honor. No respect for ANYONE but the mindless obeisance to the FUCKING IGNORANT AUTHORITY FIGURES of society who KNOW FUCKING NOTHING. They are CONSERVATIVE, RACIST, SEXIST, AGEIST, VOTED FOR BUSH ON THE ABORTION TOPIC ALONE. THESE ARE FUCKING WASTES OF HUMAN CUNT GARBAGE. THEY SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN BORN, and me along with them.

i cry because i have no parents. i cry because i have no one to turn to. i cry because there is a built in compulsive instinct to seek forgiveness (which they don't deserve to expect of me), forgiveness for them (which they don't deserve), redemption (which they will NEVER provide), respect (which they don't deserve and are incapable of giving), and love (which they have NO comprehension of).

I HATE EVERYTHING THEY'VE DONE TO ME FROM DAY ONE, including their selfish, arrogant, controlling religious baptism before i had the human ability to tell them "NO." donna's and jenn's declaration that i was going to hell because i am atheist (how DARE i use reasn, logic, sense, science and self determination to choose MY life!!!). i never had the right to be ME, on MY OWN TERMS. donna once told me, in a selfish rage against her family, that she wishes she could have more children because the ones she had didn't turn out the way she wanted them to. Meaning, they didn't become mindless followers of her endless, inconsistent, wandering religious pursuits from church to church and religious (and pseudo-religious) cult. FUCKING ARROGANT SELFISH CUNT.

I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM. i used to respect them. i used to talk them up to my friends and family. then, when i learned the truth, motherfuckers like jefferson would overhear it and use his own personal family issues to judge and assault me, chasing me out of out shared office so he could isolate himself from people and alternative thinking.

and i used to love them. this poison love makes me compulsively seek their redemption, which will NEVER FUCKING HAPPEN because they are ASSURED of their pathological ignorant sickness.

I HATE THEM. i wish i could emotionally hurt them as bad as they have hurt me. NOT POSSIBLE. they're self-brainwashed and self-assured.

and you ignorant, fucking pieces of shit Coplay police, EMS people, hospitals, and IGNORANT psyMDs who know NOTHING about the biology of PTSD, Autism/AS and "emotional abuse"... this has NOTHING to do with violence, you stupid IGNORANT FUCKING CUNTS. i will sue the fuck out of you, one at a time. i can't win against organizations, but i can sue you in civic lawsuits, taking enough money away from you to make you suffer like i suffer with my pathetically incompetent SSD and wefare. i will independently sue you for the slander and harassment.

FUCK
YOU
ALL

i WILL DESTROY Wyeth, Cavacini's, Ann Bauer, Hospitals, Coplay Police, various LIAR "human rights" organizations, etc. LEGALLY, or DIE TRYING

• Wyeth - maker of the drugs that are turning them into monsters and killing people. (ALL SSRIs do the same). LINK 2.
  
• Ann Bauer - THE prime example of (aside from my FUCKWAD donnamarie "mother") "parents" (who deserve to be legally removed from their children) destroying and crucifying their own children for the damage the parents have done to the children. This alcoholic, drug addicted, divorced, abusive criminal needs to be publicly punished in a media circus legal battle on behalf of ALL AUTISTICS. Her son needs to be rescued from the ignorant, abusive, cruel and harm-causing medical establishment.
  
• My "parents" donnamarie cavacini and tony cavacini (who falls asleep at the wheel, and had lost control of his postal service vehicle by improperly parking it on a hill). as well as tony's brother, the incompetent, inconsiderate, cold and complacent lawyer Victor Cavacini, who used to prosecute medical malpractice and now promotes complacency and negativity, encouraging people to NOT pursue their rights; he has nothing but "practical" negativity to advise to the catostrophist thinking tony. Victor Cavacini also has the buddy system in place for the Salisbury police. i should know; i've been harassed by the police only to have them back off once they see my last name. These abusive cunts deserve extensive prison sentences OR at LEAST massive payouts to their victims and public shaming for the destruction of their children, clients and friends. So too do the "doctors" that they blindly followed. Medical practice is BUTCHERY (look at ECT). (tony once brought me lithium. He didn't ask a fucking thing about it to Dr. Paul Gross. When i slammed him, his pathetic defense was "what do it know abou this stuff??" Why would a parent attempt to EDUCATE themselves as to the POISONS and ABUSE they bring to their children????
  
• Hospital "Behavioral Health" departments - They take away your human rights. Your "american rights." they are compulsory drugging facilities, coercing you into taking unknown medication often before a doctor has even MET the patient. Their staff/nurses/techs are brainwashed and indoctrinated. i spent an hour debating with a drug dispensing technician, who at long last saw reason. THIS SHOULD NOT HAVE TO BE DONE. The very name "Behavioral Health" is a PR tactic to avoid the stigma of the old "psychiatric ward" label. There are power-mad, god complex, sociopathic doctors (like female child spychologist PsyMD Dr. Duque who filled in at St. Luke's Quakertown and coerced me) and RNs (Ouida, the sociopathic RN) and ignorant technicians who push inappropriate medication (Dr. Duque), their personal, psychological and unscientific agendas on patients, and a system which practices bulk/mindless drugging upon admission, brainwashing, abuse, electrocution, intimidation, threats, manipulation, lies, coercion and illegal medical record modification. Medical practice is BUTCHERY. It is a toxic location for Autistic persons due to the environmental aspects of imprisonment, overstimulation and forced drugging without responsible research into the patient's history NOR listening to the patient (because the doctors are arrogant god complex sociopaths). Personal experience: people at the monstrous St. Luke's, and monstrous Lehigh Valley Hospital (both are profit organizations desguised as "NON-profit to escape IRS taxes, but the "profit" is in dominance, wasteful expenditure of huge, fancy buildings, expensive art and cafes. Doctors prescribed medication to me without consult and without the prescribing doctor even meeting me. Parents, police, Crisis Intervention, EMTs: DO NOT SEND AN AUTISTIC TO A "Behavioral Health Ward" EVER. YOU WILL MAKE THEM WORSE and it is THEIR RESPONSIBILITY TO "DO NO HARM!"
• "Doctor" Paul Gross PsyMD, Allentown, PA. Ignorant. Diagnosis EVERYONE with bipolar. IGNORANT of autism, yet he HAS it. His Chemistry Teacher declared that he wished he had failed Dr. Gross in chemistry. How's that for confidence. Ignorant doctor, set on forcing me into a bipolar diagnosis, gave tony a bottle of Lithium to bring to me. This is the LAST resort medication for BIPOLAR and is notorious for "quality of life destroying" side-effects. Both of these ignorant motherfuckers sent this to me with no questions asked and no consultation with me. tony never even questioned the drug/side effects. Notice it is NOT listed in the (potentially questionable About.com listing for bipolar drugs: HERE - notice, too, the EXTREMELY long list of medications on the market for this potentially medical-establishment-manufactured condition!! Any wonder why doctors diagnose bipolar so frequently when it's not apropos). Lastly, this fuckwad sent me a letter, not even a phone call, telling me he was dumping me because no progress had been made: an indicator of his failure to DO HIS FUCKING JOB. He has many hate-fans in the community.
  
• EEOC - government organization that serves NO purpose but maintaining its existence. Toothless. Heartless. Unfunded. LIP SERVICE. To quote a comment on NowPublic: "EEOC is only good for a 'right to sue' letter."
• ACLU - arrogant, prissy, disrespectful, rude receptionists, unprofessional, and ultimately disregarding of ANY request for help that does not market and glorify them. All they do is advertize their glory and their global importance (which is non-existent). i have been ignored by them repeatedly. My companion, a much calmer person who is good at dealing with organizations was promised a call back to discuss my case and never received it. They have since blocked/refused to respond to ALL my contact, phone or email.
• Coplay Police - THREATENING, ABUSIVE, IGNORANT, LIARS, AGGRESSIVE, DISMISSIVE, INCOMPETENT, ASSHOLES who are arrogant to the point that they CANNOT BE EDUCATED about ANYTHING. they need to be wiped clean of incumbents, especially Officer Reed and Chief Genovese. These ignorant fucks still think AS and Autism are DISEASES. The entire department needs to be cleaned out from top to bottom because it is stale, underfunded, ignorant, unavailable until they are called to harass me, refuses to uphold most laws and they do anything but protect and serve anyone other than themselves and the elderly, god worshiping abusive neighborhood that has abused me for petty reasons. Coplay is IGNORANT and INCOMPETENT. i ensure i will never vote for any incumbent chief ever again. See the ABUSE. Police telling EMTs that there is a likelihood of violence, DESPITE NO EVIDENCE TO THE CONTRARY, setting up abusive and harassment/coercion behaviors and expectations that are TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE. Ignorant EMTs who will declare, based on personal sensitivities (not objectivity) that the patient "has a history of violence."
  
• Kutztown University, will jefferson and sharon picus DESTROYED my ability to work and trust. i will pursue lawsuits and public negative PR including THE TRUTH up to my death (which is close). The KU "office of social equity" is an insincere, lying joke that only exists for political reasons for "protected class" citizens (namely "people of color," which are people i have endless empathy for).
  
• AND MANY MORE.

i WILL die fighting this. i have nothing left to lose. i have no home. Barely any energy to eat, shit or piss and i cannot sleep even with sleep aids (the majority of which are useless, and i'm physiologically addicated to clonazepam suffering withdrawal from reducing it, suffering Effexor XR withdrawal from stoppoing it), but i will do what i can, legally. Starting with public denouncements. Billboards. Posters. Mailings. Stickers. Signs. Newspaper notices. Banners. Emails. AND LAWSUITS against individuals like will jefferson.

i demand class action lawsuits. But what am i? a NO CLASS NON-CITIZEN by order of the AUTHORITIES who are sick of upholding actual laws!
i will support and join ANY existing cases.
contact me:
dysamoria d o t accounts a t gmail d o t c o m.

new remix on music page

to honor the resurrection of my tracker music (bottom of page), i uploaded an "adrenal flow" remix. adrenal flow (2009 remix) is a modernized version of the track. it's kind of electro rockish cheese, with distortion & glitching. feedback is appreciated. note: this was written in 1992. it doesn't much reflect my current compositional trends despite rehashing it. it's just time to release it. lastly: if the modules are a pain in the ass, i'll consider converting to MP3.

we're not the only ones thinking society is making itself sick...

More old news delivered late to you:
http://www.wired.com/threatlevel/2008/08/surveillance-so/

"... psychiatrists [...] say that our surveillance and reality TV society is spawning a new kind of psychosis."

No! Really?? i'm no fan of "wired," but i like the position they take. go read. Someone posted a comment that struck me hard; it's why i'm posting this:

"Posted by: just mw | 09/29/08 | 1:54 pm
The state patrol came to my house and spied on me for social sucurity to make sure I was really schizophrenic and then they cut off my ssa money because I did not look crazy enough. Of course having this happen send me into a major relapse and I am more paranoid then ever and really don’t like the state police anymore. Google “CDIU” if you don’t believe me."

Click the Google "CDIU" link. They DO spy on disabled people. What does this mean for me? i'm FUCKED if anyone spies on me. My disabilities? PTSD, from society abusing me. i already had Asperger's Syndrome. Social abuse made me disabled. Casual observation is blind. Doctors are ignorant: Dr. Paul asshole Gross in Allentown, PA had the audacity to claim i don't have AS because i'm "too well connected" and i "make eye contact." Lame, malpracticing dickwad. Has a mass of former patients hating his guts because he diagnoses everyone as "bipolar" (and a former chemistry teacher who stated "I should have failed him in chemistry"). This "man" sits with inwardly-turned body posture and makes very little eye contact. He also has freud paraphenalia all over his office. i am not shitting you. He is the definition of "quack," i'm more socially functional than he, and yet he's a practicing, powerful "PsyMD." Fuck all!

Basically, i'm waiting for some motherfucker, with as much education as a pharmaceutical drug rep, to come declare i'm not disabled. "He LOOKS NORMAL TO ME!" Then SSD and Welfare will cut me off. i'll have no way to pay my mortgage, feed myself or my cats-

OH WAIT, my SSD and Welfare is already too little for my existence! It's not intended to live healthily or have sanity! Any wonder why i hate this nation? Now if you'll excuse me, i have to go cover my windows with aluminum foil and hide in a dark closet, rocking and banging my head....

music page updated (what's old is new again)

i updated my music page: cleaned up a bit then dirtied by adding the old MODs to it. no new songs, unless you never listened to the modules & want to (probably need to get a MOD player). go HERE. warning: old cheesy shit.

art gallery updated

it took forever, but my art gallery is now not sucking (as much). duplicates are gone. there are more images than before, they're larger & many now have comments. i removed my penis (from the gallery), for those who don't care to see it (i don't care to see it, actually); sorry to those who'll miss it. there's no commenting system like flickr, but then it's not run by sociopathic, ego-tripping, god-complex jerkwads either. GO LOOK.

walls of a former home

dumb light experiments

a few experimental shots from last week... playing with low light and HDR situations... nothing successful, but i didn't want to delete them forever... so here they are (be sure to click on them to see full size versions since blogger is now compressing the living shit out of thumbnails):

Photoshop CS3's HDR merge is kind o skanky. notice the rainbows around the highlights.


this one is sort of pretty, but stupid. HDR. both images above: sunlight only, reflecting off closet door, through curtain, as seen in top image.


this last one is lit only by an electric shaver's LEDs. i liked the wacky shadow caused by the coiled power cord.

the man who fell to earth and couldn't escape

put here by you.

i tried...
to be.

then i tried...
to do as demanded.

pushed to fight,
for no cause but existence.

criminalized
for seeing, knowing, suffering.

couldn't wait to defeat me,

threat to no one...

not the weak.
not the strong.

tore my wings,
to mock my fall.
poetically blamed...
... by the nest which refused.

the only rule was that you played by none.

now...

i'm not content to just "go on"
walking chest deep in black tar.
a legally binding cruelty...
your diseased anti society.

few comprehending souls, scattered,
always afar. away.
desolate, desperate isolation.

let me go.
you despise my empty survival,
so let me go.

no; my suffering sweetens your success.

no more appeals
"oh mother..."
"oh father..."

bound to your authority
and your ignorance,
i squirmed, and i failed
to overcome more than some.

i wish to stop fluttering
these weak frantic stumps,
torn at birth...
the hate canal of mindless procreation.

you delivered me to a world that devours.
tied rocks to a wingless, caged bird.

open any doorway out of here.
let wind blow away this bored brittle husk.
no salvage here.

besides,
you wont mend what you mangled.

pull the plug on your crude, incomplete kindness,
SSD, welfare, dribbles of devalued dollars.
your sad shelter, penal colony for victims.

the prison life support machine.

i would gladly vacate your precious unwelcoming world.
let me go where you need not look on me.

let me go.

racism, teaching in your kid's classrooms

the following is part of a letter to me from a friend with a child who has sensitivities that appear, to me, to be very much like AS. She gave me permission to share, on this blog, some of the things she told me about in regards to her daughter. thank you, my friend, for allowing me to share your words here. (this friend's native/first language is not English, so please keep that in mind when reading - she does a fine job of expressing herself, too - better than i could in any language other than English... since i'm a monolingual!)

"Last month, I took her for a occupational therapy evaluation; it is certain that she has some sensitivities she cannot eliminate as much as regular people, and while she is struggling with all those unnecessary inputs, such as voices, conversations and actions all around her, she is missing some other stuff in her daily life, for example, she is unable to notice or determine others' feelings, emotions, intentions, and she seems terribly inconsiderate sometimes. Last year, we ended up at emergenc intervention clinic while we were looking for some answers from a specialist. Recently, I realized that she would do much better if she was in a less racist school besides her difficulties.

[you read that correctly: "a less racist school"]

She has that unconscious knowledge that she has been treating differently by other children, parents and teachers, and this annoying reality makes her more nervous, and anxious, and more sensitive. I keep close eye on her. I have learned to listen my child after she was discriminated so badly when she was in first grade. I wish I took serious actions against that stupid teacher at that time. I hate to see she still teaches at the same classroom like nothing happened! She makes no sincere attention and has no consideration for the kids, half of her classroom got lice last week until somebody noticed it. Thankfully we have a great teacher this year, very considerate, and more importantly least racist elementary teacher we have ever met."

Yes, the "least racist" teacher.

Wouldn't "NOT RACIST" be proper? Why do you as parents (or your children) have to hope for the lesser evil being there to poison your child (or you)? Why should we accept the society-driven implication that we don't have the right to ... well, ANY of the rights that this "nation" claims to stand for: "truth and justice for all." It's crime to proclaim that this country stands for x, y or z when it is in fact very far from fulfilling those things, and harming itself (its people) by propagating hate, ignorance, cruelty and submission to it all.

But a racist TEACHER!

Like a racist parent, a racist teacher sets precedents and demonstrates behaviors that children will COPY and ASSUME to be NORMAL. Racism breeds racism.

To quote Firefly:
"You're supposed to be the TEACHER here! What exactly IS it that you TEACH!"

People in positions of authority over others (especially developing minds) should be removed from such positions when there is any indicator that they have personal problems that can negatively impact those they have authority over, such as racism in a school. Hell, racists are not appropriate for positions of authority of any kind. Just ask the victims of racist police, lawyers, judges...

But then, the same goes for sociopaths. What do we have in this sick country but the majority of rule being by sick, selfish, sociopathic, racist human beings.

i have learned that i'm not like most people. much to my detriment. there may be some people like me, in some ways, but i don't fit in. mostly because of the authority figures who programmed my life for me. there's nothing i can do about it but shout and scream and yell, hoping that others will not end up like myself.

too bad there aren't more people shouting with me.

"Sleep Doctor Blog"... insincerity and disinformation for personal profit

don't take anything seriously at the "Sleep Doctor Blog." there's a clear case of allowing corporate spam and continuing the incorrect belief that the things that cause depression and sleep disorders are "chemical" and "personal failings" on the part of the victims. you know how i feel about victim blaming. disgusting. still, worse: there are so many things like this on the internet.

oh, the blog... it's here:
http://sleepdoctor.blogspot.com/2008/12/sleep-and-bipolar-disorder.html
(no, i wont make that a link, so copy and paste if you want to see it)

i responded to the crappy entry at that URL with the following:

"Bipolar is NOT as common as the endless doctors' diagnosing it would seem to suggest. Imagine being medicated for bipolar when you don't actually have it. Imagine being given seriously dangerous medications for a condition you don't have. Those medications cause emotional instability themselves, especially if the medication is unneeded. The medications also cause severe problems with sleep (and other body issues). They can lead to reduced (or zero) amounts of SWS (slow wave sleep is the most physically restorative sleep there is. period. ignore what the hypnotic agent drug commercials say about REM sleep being the most restful because it's 100% wrong and dangerously disinformative).

"Mental" illness and sleep: Cause and effect are reversed! This is the case very often, when dealing with topics involving the stupidly mysterious "mental" health issues. "Stupidly mysterious," meaning, it's not as mysterious as people allow themselves to believe. This includes those doing research. The brain is part of the body. The brain and the mind are the same item. You wear out the brain, the mind becomes worn out. Easy. Neurological structure gets changed via stimulus, including the "stimulus" of the brain being constantly exhausted. There is a horrible discrepancy between what the masses believe about the brain and what the brain is really doing/experiencing. This includes doctors. It is frighteningly common for doctors to be more aligned with clock-punching mentality than an actual academic (and practical) orientation towards understanding the mechanics of the medicine they practice. i know nothing of this blog's author, so i do not proclaim the blog author is equally irresponsible.

[though, the lack of removing the pharmaceutical spam from his blog leads me to think maybe the author is terribly irresponsible and unprofessional, for his own financial benefit - these questionable corporations, especially the pharmaceuticals, employ the tactic of traveling around to blogs and websites (and real places like bars and clubs) as "real consumers" to spread artificial "opinions" that support their corporate interests - look up "word of mouth marketing"]

i DO claim that many (if not most) MDs are irresponsible. Especially PsyMDs. [and pharmaceutical corporations have NO morality at all]

i'm sorry, but there IS NO bipolar disorder in children. They're simply too underdeveloped for it to be possible. Up to what age is the term "children" being used? If it stops at teenage (13), then bipolar is simply not an acceptable diagnosis because it's not diagnosable. The constant changes going on throughout the body during development, and the constant changes in the social environment and stimuli going on during "growing up," make this an impossible diagnosis. [many diagnoses are dubious, at best, during this part of life, but it is a vital time to be paying attention] Anyone diagnosing children with bipolar disorder needs to have their medical licenses revoked and parents should not hesitate to seek legal aid for malpractice, especially if they've been wrangled into medicating their child. Bipolar is a diagnosis i have witnessed being doled out to people of all ages like candy. No joke about children and candy. This is seriously dangerous. The people i've encountered with the diagnosis of bipolar disorder have more often been abused and/or had neurological developmental disorders (like autism, which is my bias here, since i have AS), which cause all kinds of conditions that mimic the surface features of bipolar disorder. Having mood changes is NOT enough. i have met people with bipolar diagnoses who DO seem to fit the clinical definition. They are different from the vast number of people improperly diagnosed. The "true" bipolar cases are far rarer in number than the number of "candy diagnosis" cases where the patient DOESN'T have a clinically viable case of bipolar disorder. More specifically on topic for this blog and the posting i'm commenting on: Sleep disturbance and lack of SWS is a CAUSE, not AN effect, in reference to bipolar or other "quick diagnostics." Lack of quality sleep is the cause of "moodiness." It is the cause of hyper somnolence (especially in a case where the greatest sleep debt is specifically in SWS). Lack of SWS leads to more frustration with getting sleep and often is comorbid with increased percentages of REM sleep. It is a notable cause of "refusal to sleep" feeling of not wanting to sleep (who suffering various parasomnias has not at some points been so frustrated with their sleep as to feel a reduced desire or need to sleep?). It is the cause of being grouchy, physically exhausted and various other body problems associated with "fatigue." Keep it going (the lack of proper sleep) and you get depression, anxiety, immune system damage, body temperature regulation problems, appetite problems, etc. i cannot stress enough just how dangerously backwards this all is. "Behavioral health" and physiology are not separate things. You don't get counseled into good sleep or out of autism. We need a revolution in medical care, starting at the comprehension level for the people who run the show. It starts at breaking down the foolish wall between "the body" and "the brain." Step one is the insurance companies. Or is it the doctors who have been crafting the default standard in medicine who originally got the insurance companies started in their foolish separation of brain and body?? The brain is the most important internal organ of the human animal. Maybe it should be treated as such. Maybe studies of human behavior should not be pushing the agenda of "normal" as defined by abnormal people. Maybe... just maybe... the whole system is way backwards and doctors aren't the gods that some of them would be happy to have their patients believe."

is this all there is?

"I remember when i was a girl
Our house caught on fire
And i'll never forget the look on my father's face
As he gathered me in his arms
And raced to the burning building out on the pavement
And i stood there shivering
And watched the whole world go up in flames
And when it was all over
I said to myself
Is that all there is to a fire?
Is that all there is?

Is that all there is?
If that's all there is, my friends, then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze and have a ball
If that's all there is

And when i was twelve years old
My daddy took me to the circus
The greatest show on earth
And there were clowns
And elephants
Dancing bears,
And a beautiful lady in pink tights flew high above our heads
And as i sat there watching
I had the feeling that something was missing
I don't know what
But when it was all over
I said to myself
Is that all there is to the circus?

Is that all there is?
If that's all there is, my friends, then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze and have a ball
If that's all there is

And then i fell in love
With the most wonderful boy in the world
We'd take long walks down by the river
Or just sit for hours gazing into each other's eyes
We were so very much in love
And then one day
He went away
And i'd thought i'd die
But i didn't
And when i didn't
I said to myself
Is that all there is to love ?

Is that all there is?
If that's all there is, my friends, then let's keep-

I know what you must be saying to yourselves
If that's the way she feels about it
Then why doesn't she just end it all?
Oh no. not me. i'm not ready for that final disappointment
Cause i know just as well as i'm standing here talking to you
That when that final moment comes
And i'm breathing my last breath
I know what i'll be saying to myself
Is that all there is?

Is that all there is?
If that's all there is, my friends, then let's keep dancing
Let's break out the booze and have a ball
If that's all there is"

but... i can't dance.

and this is all there is
and ever will be...
... an existence
without life.

"Is That All There Is?" written by Jerry Leiber (lyrics) and Mike Stoller (music). The song was made famous in a recording by Peggy Lee. P.J. Harvey (and John Parish?) did a great cover of the song, which is the version i know.

"stop hurting me"

i just saw THIS.

it made me feel.

because, years ago, i made THIS.

(i was going to post images, but blogger now jpegs the shit out of image thumbnails, so i now have to do thumbnails manually!!)

house fire on Sesame Street

injustice in the usa: beyond measure

i pledge disgust and hatred to the flag of the ununited states of northamerica, for which it actively stands, its 50 little nations of inconsistent ruling, under control of corporate and religious interest, with lies and injustice for all who can't buy better options.

http://www.wrongfuldeathoflarryneal.com
this is just ONE of countless stories out there.
just ONE.
U$A

(i'm exercising my only remaining "right" as an "american": the right of "free speech" - which actually boils down to ranting in a "public forum," where no one is listening anyway)

VictoryGrey to USA: your stress "solutions" are akin to plugging a submarine hull breach with my middle finger

and the leak is growing. if we can't repair it then let's let the fucker sink and start building a new boat.

this was originally posted as a comment on the cruelty of john:

@ little tigger: i wish i had an option not to be a grown up for a while. i need a lengthy restorative break. i must settle for a 4 day weekend.

i wish society didn't push us until we blew a fuse before allowing us to relinquish the stress of being an adult. but that isn't our way. we don't practice problem prevention, we practice clean-up and blame. "you're stressed? that's your fault." we've become a society full of stains.


@ all readers: "Stressed? How chewing gum and houseplants can help!" straight from the cover of Women's World magazine, recently seen in the grocery store grab-me rack.

right. i'm just not chewing enough gum. i'm not going to yoga enough. not growing enough plants. not meditating. not breathing correctly. not eating well enough. not adjusting my attitude.

i can't chew gum regularly because i have tmj*. my yoga studio closed. my cats ate my houseplants. i'm vegetarian. i tried therapy. i can breathe to relax but i can't shut up my brain. i suppose that's where meditation would come in. haven't tried that one yet.

but this misses the point. yes, i can do things to lessen the impact of stress on my life, and golly be! guess what? i do! but what about doing something to lessen the sources of stress? why not put our communal focus there for once? the noise, the smells, the filth, the bills, the incompetent specialists in every fucking field that we all have to rely on, the lack of outdoor greenery, the inhuman work schedules, the absence of community, the wars, the economy, the carcinogens, the push to do more domoredomore, and so on, ad infinitum.

you can run, if you have the resources, but these problems remain in need of correction. and you can't run from them all.

you can call me sensitive and you'd be correct. but watch your ass. i'm the canary in the coal mine. and this blog is full of dying canaries.



*recognized by my dentist but not called anything. btw, i love how a doctor can notice a problem and tell you something simple like, "yeah, chewing gum isn't a good idea for you with a jaw like that" but fail to tell you a name for the condition and fail to tell you the wide range of symptoms that you would never guess could be caused by your fucked up jaw. headaches, neck pain, ear aches, sore throats, swallowing difficulties, scalp sensitivity, vertigo, all symptoms i have that haven't been attributed to anything other than "stress!" by doctors.

what's love got to do with it?

adultery is
socio-economic
infidelity.

taliban fighters
feeling bolshevik kinship
flog girls for justice

effexor xr: the enabler (of destruction)

on wyeth's evil "anti-depressant" pharmaceutical named "effexor xr" (also known as "side-effexor"), i was quite able to do this:

with an x-acto blade...
(go on, click to see the full size,
you know you like to see me suffer)

i've been off of effexor for months now (MY choice - it made everything worse, like my dyslexia). life only got worse on that drug, and it's "still worse."

i got around to "THAT" feeling again last night, but was only able to do this:

with a fork.

PRIOR to effexor,
i never self injured,
at all.

there are countless horror stories about that drug... and other SSRI drugs...

fuck you, wyeth.
fuck you, john.

this is all because of behavioral elitists and neuroracists.

i was never allowed to be naturally me.

first came the endless psychological manipulation,

then the drugs,

then the forced hospitalization.

i will probably always still need to cut myself for relief, thanks to the level of abuse my mind has taken over 33 years. it's the only thing that even comes close to a distraction from the poison they put inside me. i will forever be a different being than from what i was born to be. i was just supposed to be a person. but...

... if you don't behave like "they" want you to, you WILL be punished by them... up to and including the point where you punish your own flesh to escape your mind.

they wont stop there, either.

not until you're disabled

and then dead.

how to ruin a nice spring day for everyone: be a motorcyclist asshole

yes, you arrogant motherfucking shitheads with no respect for others.
there are children and autistics out there in the world, you piss!
Yes, YOU!
riding your peacock tails
your penis enlargements (or breast enlargements).

there are OTHER PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ASIDE FROM YOU!

YOU, PRIMITIVE, MORON, DEAF, DEAFENING, ANTI-SOCIETY MONKEYS!
fuck off and die, you motherfucking cunts!

what happened to the RIGHT to NOT be ASSAULTED by ASSHOLES!!??

NOISE, ABOVE A SET DECIBEL LEVEL, DEFINED BY LAW, IS NOT ACCEPTABLE FOR VEHICLES IN PLACES WHERE PEOPLE LIVE!!!!!
WHO'S ENFORCING THESE LAWS?

FUCKING NO ONE!!!!!!! Funding was cut and police are both complacent and uncaring.

NOISEOFF.ORG

"People continuously exposed to noise experience elevated stress levels, mood swings, hypertension, depression, lost sleep and productivity. In children, it results in slowed learning." -NOISEOFF.ORG

no one cares. no one with power to DO something about it, that is.
not state, not local, not federal... certainly not one fucking mindless cop in this pathetic shit-for-brains, conservative, religious, virgin-mary-sculpture-ridden "community" of intolerant and mindless redneck, flag waving, bible beating ASSHOLES.

but if i go outside and yell about how i've been treated by this community, like by the police, the police show up within less than TWO MINUTES to throw me back in my house or otherwise threaten me.

THAT'S FAIR!

How about i rev up a fucking motorcycle, blow an air horn and blast a booming car stereo in front of the police station? i'd get in trouble for making a peaceful protest by example, wouldn't i? it would be considered violent demonstration, wouldn't it?

how about i do that in front of the residence of EVERY ASSHOLE GENERATING THIS KIND OF NOISE WHICH IS DRIVING ME TOTALLY MOTHERFUCKING BUGFUCK??!!!?!?!

FUCK YOU!!!!!!

i have no choices any more, so why live?