trash [EDITED]
i get it now
it's merely a matter of convenience
how foolish of me
it's easier to be an asshole
to be selfish
cruel
lie
become "unavailable"
it's easier to be people like [name] and Elise
dana, john, jana, jenni, megan, toshi, jefferson
picus, jenni's sister, mike the heather manipulator
.and.
.so.
.many.
.more.
choose your reality
erase people you think have offended you
but first the setup!
pull them in, or make it appear you're simply letting them in, even more clever...
bring them into the fold
showcase them
talk them up
make them feel special
"i don't see how anyone could ever think you're scum"
"those girls didn't deserve you"
"you're better than them"
"they're just selfish"
over and over and over
the same insincere trash talk.
the same LIES.
take advantage of them
fuck, be fucked
have your yank, get free orgasms
receive your so badly needed validation
have your "friendship"
sex friends
people you're "seeing"
"best friends" you betray
then tear them apart
or ignore them, or tell them off
change parameters without notice,
whatever. just something sudden and cruel.
"terms subject to change without notice.
we are under no obligation to inform you of changes
prior to their execution."
tell your friends they're trash
the friends you were trashing
now you need them again
because you've exchanged hates
found the lesser exposure
realized who sees you least
where you're more hidden
invisible but accepted as a member
the elite club of cool outsiders
insiders, who cares what caste you want
you just want one that takes you in as member
where you can throw out people you don't like
I GET IT NOW.
i can be just like you.
erase you, ignore you.
tell everyone you're trash.
i'm doing it now. wheee!
so fuck you all.
you're all trash.
makeup, clever vocabulary without logical coherence
hiding rotting sores
rotting souls
rot
zombies, trash,
monsters in costumes of worse monsters
for fun and for protection
masks to hide worse masks
portraying something better
something bitter but risky and cool
elite
rot
rot and flutter away with the leaves
waste your time surfing every internet social club
seeking an identity you can't fashion out of reality
look for people to bash in clusters of assholes, jackals
fan the flames, sham the blames and blame the truths
seek out that next perfect man, the good fuck
to bash later when he sees through your makeup
women suck
men suck
people suck
so do their friends
wives
husbands
whoever just does as told
without forming their own opinions based on truth
all of you
thinking you're just fine
better than
in control
trash
every single one
including me
because i can't be YOU.
it's merely a matter of convenience
how foolish of me
it's easier to be an asshole
to be selfish
cruel
lie
become "unavailable"
it's easier to be people like [name] and Elise
dana, john, jana, jenni, megan, toshi, jefferson
picus, jenni's sister, mike the heather manipulator
.and.
.so.
.many.
.more.
choose your reality
erase people you think have offended you
but first the setup!
pull them in, or make it appear you're simply letting them in, even more clever...
bring them into the fold
showcase them
talk them up
make them feel special
"i don't see how anyone could ever think you're scum"
"those girls didn't deserve you"
"you're better than them"
"they're just selfish"
over and over and over
the same insincere trash talk.
the same LIES.
take advantage of them
fuck, be fucked
have your yank, get free orgasms
receive your so badly needed validation
have your "friendship"
sex friends
people you're "seeing"
"best friends" you betray
then tear them apart
or ignore them, or tell them off
change parameters without notice,
whatever. just something sudden and cruel.
"terms subject to change without notice.
we are under no obligation to inform you of changes
prior to their execution."
tell your friends they're trash
the friends you were trashing
now you need them again
because you've exchanged hates
found the lesser exposure
realized who sees you least
where you're more hidden
invisible but accepted as a member
the elite club of cool outsiders
insiders, who cares what caste you want
you just want one that takes you in as member
where you can throw out people you don't like
I GET IT NOW.
i can be just like you.
erase you, ignore you.
tell everyone you're trash.
i'm doing it now. wheee!
so fuck you all.
you're all trash.
makeup, clever vocabulary without logical coherence
hiding rotting sores
rotting souls
rot
zombies, trash,
monsters in costumes of worse monsters
for fun and for protection
masks to hide worse masks
portraying something better
something bitter but risky and cool
elite
rot
rot and flutter away with the leaves
waste your time surfing every internet social club
seeking an identity you can't fashion out of reality
look for people to bash in clusters of assholes, jackals
fan the flames, sham the blames and blame the truths
seek out that next perfect man, the good fuck
to bash later when he sees through your makeup
women suck
men suck
people suck
so do their friends
wives
husbands
whoever just does as told
without forming their own opinions based on truth
all of you
thinking you're just fine
better than
in control
trash
every single one
including me
because i can't be YOU.
Labels: anti-social, arrogance, autism, BPD, creative writing, exposure, humans, shame, silence, truth, women
posted by dysamoria at
9:24 PM
13 Comments:
Sounds like plastics, Bob and Carole
Normals.
These are the rubbish that I hide
from every day like bubonic plague
or A.I.D.S.
I won't let them win, I will stay here
in my playroom, safe and sound where
they can't get me or hurt me.
i wish i had that safe place...
but some part of me still insists on finding female companionship and experiencing the world before i die.
yet... i want to die now. too tired to try any more.
but i want.
and i don't want to want.
I don't know if that want for girls
will ever go away but for your sake
I wish it would.
I will say this, that Carole Normals are
trash and if (and only if I really were you,) I would stay
away from them because they are
dangerous and they only want to hurt you.
Sorry I hope I did not sound bossy,
and I don't wish to sound like a terrorist
either, I hope I never do.
I don't like (most) girls and by that
I mean the Carole Normals, and not
all girls are Carole Normals but so
many of them are, all they want to
do is hurt, just like Bob Normal.
More Normals suck than not,
I mean 99% of Normals suck,
wait a minnit, if that 1% does not
suck, they must not be Normal,
o I don't know, its too hard.
Normals all suck
I don't know.
Zorry I can't comunicate.
Hi Jace. This is Mike, not Heather--
I was disappointed to find myself mentioned in your blog. I want to say once and for all that the fact Heather doesn’t want to open lines of communication with you has nothing to do with me. We aren’t even together anymore. We both agree it was long overdue, and a lot of what you said to her back then probably had some validity. Coming from some girl I didn’t know, I would’ve resented the opinions you expressed, but coming from a guy who was interested in having a relationship with her, it was another thing to me altogether.
The way I slowly discovered the extent of your relationship through phone bills with 3 hour calls, to emails strings I found wondering what your friendship was all about…you talk a lot about victim-hood, but I always have felt like a victim to you--that you didn’t understand or respect what it means to be a husband who desperately wants to have a broken relationship work, while feeling frozen in ways I can‘t begin to explain. To say I manipulated Heather sells me long and her short.
To see the world in terms of the victimized and their victimizers is tricky because life plays out in infinite shades of gray so much more often than in black and white. Given a film reel of my life, I could point out thousands of tiny decisions I made that led me to a position that I could feel victimized by you. But I don’t feel like you go through a similar process of self-evaluation when you find yourself in the position of victim.
When people express opinions about you that you don’t agree with, I think you should think first of how they are right rather than trying to prove how they are wrong. The truth rarely lies completely on either side of any argument, and considering the rightness in their opinions offers so much more in understanding the truth than in doggedly sticking to your initial opinion.
And to go back to the concept of victim-hood, think of all the people who genuinely care about you who you have pushed away because they’re not telling you what you want to hear. Think of how that hurts them. I can’t claim to understand what it feels like to live in your body and head. I’ve suffered insomnia, depression, a sense of isolation from people around me, but all in measured degrees. I can’t understand the persistence and depth of your symptoms.
I do know that for a number of years you successfully negotiated the bullshit maze that is the American workplace. I’m not saying you should do that again. I think there are ways that you could be an incredible advocate for things you believe in--you’re smart, articulate, and passionate--but advocacy for anything is a matter of building coalitions one person at a time. I’m afraid if you keep rejecting the opinions of anyone who disagrees with you, you’ll never be able to reach the potential a lot of people believe you have.
If you want to respond to anything I’ve said, please do, but I don’t want to get involved in any conversation where I feel inclined to say anything with the intent to hurt. If I described myself as an ice cream, I would be a coffee ice cream--a little bitter but in a sweet and enjoyable way…but with a small swirl of poo. I try to align myself so people always eat the coffee part, but occasionally they get the poo and I always regret that deeply.
Mike
Mike, Jace is gone. The world of bullshit that you correctly referred to finished him off. The only people left here to talk to are those who cared for him and who supported/support the causes he was interested in, especially the TRUTH.
Jace told me (Intransitivus) a lot about this and I have his email archive.
You are fitting the profile of a victimizer by proclaiming Jace victimized YOU.
From what I can tell, you invaded Heather's privacy. proof right here: You're POSTING WITH HER ACCOUNT! (At least have the respect for Heather to NOT USE HER BLOGGER ACCOUNT to post! It isn't difficult to just create your own account. ) You drove her away. Heather started using YOUR EXACT WORDS to Jace when she was shutting him out. She created (and then eventually deleted) an email account to correspond with Jace because of not TRUSTING YOU.
Most of all the important things for you to know, and to ask Heather about, is the fact that Jace himself CHOSE NOT TO ABUSE THE OPENING YOU LEFT AND HEATHER ADVERTISED. Jace told Heather "stop." Jace told Heather "how to make this respectful."
He even told me about a romantic walk in the rain when she said, "I wish someone would take the initiative for just once, and just do it!" Ask Heather about that.
Perhaps she won't remember it or rather will conveniently forget.
Don't come here looking for someone to blame now that the relationship is over for good.
1. Jace is gone.
2. He wasn't to blame.
Your own short-sightedness, inaction and "emotional unavailability" are to blame. And more. You even told her she could be with someone else when the problems between you were too deep to mend, but "just not Jace." Jace, who was respectful of your wishes.
You use some nice words, but you feel just like the kind of person who uses that nice talk to get what they want. You won't get that satisfaction here.
He offered to communicate directly with you and you refused. What did you hope to gain by coming here to give him your lesson about victimization? Go ahead and throw your "poo." It's what you came here to do in the first place, isn't it? Nice warning at the end. "Play nice with me or i'll be a dick." Better yet, just don't come back. Jace is gone and you have no beef with anyone here.
The reason Heather's name is on the post is for expediency I used our joint google account which has her name attached to it (I think I just fixed that). It takes time to sort these things out when you go through a divorce, but there's nothing insidious about me hacking into her account or anything. To the extent that I snooped back when this relationship was a reality, a little snooping is a generally accepted practice when one's wife is carrying on a covert relationship with another guy.
Let me make it clear I don't blame Jace for their relationship anymore than I do Heather, and I understand it came out of the context of our broken relationship, which I accept a bulk of the responsibility for, but of course is much more complex than just Heather's side of the story. I appreciate that he showed restraint o this rainy day walk, but that was less generous than undeniably the right thing to do. That happened very early in their friendship, and before our marriage had moved from struggling to irreparably broken. Moving the realtionship forward at that time would have been a far greater act of betrayal than what gradually unfolded over the course of months.
The "sillycurl" account Heather created was because she had been using a joint account I rarely used, but then when I started checking it I found lots of stuff that hurt me. She deleted the sillycurl account when I woke up from a nap and she had carelessly left open a message on our coffee table where Jace suggestively requested a face to face visit. She was willing to close that line of communication because she had become increasingly frustrated by Jace anyhow. The point of my post was not “I got a divorce because of Jace,” but that the reason Heather and Jace are not or never were together has little to do with me and certainly wasn’t a matter of me manipulating a very strong and opinionated woman.
The "anyone but Jace" conversation was part of a larger conversation, but yes I couldn't stand the thought of her being with someone I felt so hurt by, and because I didn't think a relationship with him would be good for her. But all of Heather's decisions have been her own. Anyone who knows us would vouch I could never make Heather do anything she didn't want to do.
When I mention the poo in my personality, yes that's an acknowledgment I can be a dick, but my whole point is that I try to stifle that part and I'm not going to engage in a dialogue that will bring that out. I did not respond to throw poo. You say that the point of this site is to advocate for truth, and my only reason for responding is that I felt like I had been mischaracterized, and I'm also interested in truth. If I had wanted to lash out I wouldn't done so years ago when my pain and anger were fresh, and I would've felt misguidedly righteous in unleashing my inner dick.
Intransitivus, I don't know for sure who you are, but I know Jace is only gone as far as he can still send a Facebook friend request to Heather that she rejected (after the inital disappearance of this site) so as far as I can tell, Jace still exists. As far as me not coming back, if I am never mischaracterized on this blog again, I will not type another word.
Mike,
i understand how disconcerting it is to find yourself written about publicly in a negative context, and to feel you didn't earn that bad press. it's happened to me a couple of times as well. and i know it automatically puts one on the defensive. that said, given the history of this triangle, and your admission that you thought negatively of jace as well, i'm not sure why you are surprised to find yourself mentioned in his blog in a negative light.
i hope that as you ask to have your side considered in all its shades of grey (this is a view of the world we agree on), you will consider jace's side similarly. i knew jace personally, and i don't think he intended to hurt you then or in mentioning you in this post.
he was a sufferer of ptsd (among other things), which manifests itself in many unpleasant ways. one feature of of his ptsd was constant, vivid nightmares in which he relieved remixes of every traumatic event in his life. waking from these "dreams" leaves a sufferer of ptsd drained dry and ready to die. it is a hopeless feeling to know that EVERY DAY, when you are supposed to be resting, instead you will relive traumatic events as if they just happened, and that there's nothing that can be done to break this cycle. when one feels this hopeless, what is left to do but to scream? that is this blog. posts like this were a response to the trauma and constant repetition of "fighting battles i already lost," as he once put it to me. you and i can forget a little here and there and eventually put things behind us, move on. make a new life. there is no moving on for him. that is the one thing for ANYONE to take away from this blog. to all the girls, his family, employers, you, and etc: he COULD NOT move on. NO ONE FUCKING CHOOSES TO FEEL THIS SHITTY, BITTER, HOPELESS, ANGRY, ETC CONSTANTLY. ASK YOURSELF: DOES IT EVEN MAKE SENSE TO THINK THAT OF ANOTHER HUMAN BEING? AND IN THE CASE OF FAMILY AND GIRLS, TO THINK THAT OF A PERSON YOU ONCE KNEW AND CARED DEEPLY FOR? IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE, BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT DOES. IT'S EASIER TO BLAME HIM FOR FEELING SHITTY AND MAYBE MAKING YOU FEEL SHITTY, INSTEAD OF FACING THE HARD TRUTH OF A HOPELESS SITUATION: IT IS A MALFUNCTION OF THE BRAIN, NOT A CHOICE. the title of this posting is dead accurate. "trash." in a disposable society, it's easier to dispose of "problem" people than to stick with them and lend support. they all did it, first removing him from their minds and hearts, and then from their lives.
do not misunderstand, that is not me yelling at you, Mike, but using capitalization and bolding to highlight the take-away message of my comment. and i may make this a front page post later, because that's just how important i think that paragraph is to all dysamoria blog readers.
Mike, you can be sure that whatever unpleasantness we may feel as a result of his brutally honest words, he was suffering it inside a thousand fold. it is my belief that if he considered you a manipulator, it is because either you were, or Heather led him to believe that you were. i never met anyone with more awareness about self or others than jace.
i can assure you that when he wasn't experiencing the waking effects of these toxic dreams and new toxic experiences, he was the most lovely person to be around. he had a great sense of humor, and never did i know anyone more caring of the feelings of others (humans and all other creatures), more sensitive, generous, honest, loving, etc. unfortunately, this was a side of him that didn't get expressed here very often, because it was healthy, it didn't need to be vented, so people who just read here and then make judgments come away with a quite one-dimensional view of who he was (and i concede that my view of you is also necessarily very one-dimensional, so like you, i write to what i know).
i don't write any of this to discount your side of things, only to try and provide insight on his side. you said yourself that you suffered insomnia, depression, and isolation. if that's true, then you might have an idea of the defense mechanisms that come into play to protect the brain from further damage. personally, i have long suffered anxiety (among the other conditions you mentioned). while i try my best to hold onto a view of the world that contains the shades of grey, it IS easy to slip into black and white thinking, and my screening processes for new people are absolutely black and white. it's a protection. i think what you see as black and white thinking on jace's part was really this same kind of protective thinking. these are the people that are toxic and these are the people that aren't toxic. it has to be that clear cut because if it's infinitely grey, then how the hell can you tell who is going to hurt you and who isn't? how do you keep going on in the world?
i know he was capable of more than black and white thinking though. he was often aware of the other person's side, and this is perhaps one of the things that frustrated him the most. when people hurt him, he could see the reasons why, see the things that led them to hurtful behaviors against himself and others, and he would have sympathy for them even as their words and their actions cut him in two. but do you know what it feels like when you are so low that you can't think of anyone or anything outside of your own head, your own pain, your own feelings of being screwed? i think he had a lot of those moments too, and we have to keep this in mind when we read the words on this blog.
i am sorry you and heather weren't able to make your relationship work. divorce is an ugly end to love.
Mike,
As best I can remember, the manipulation that Jace refers to in this blog entry was that, at a couple of crisis points, you'd tell Heather that you'd get counseling, which would give her some hope that things would change, and then you never went to counseling.
That led him believe that you were not serious about healing your relationship with her. Perhaps Heather did not give Jace an accurate account of the situation, but that's what he was going on.
What did Jace do that led to you feeling hurt BY HIM as opposed to BY HEATHER?
Your excuse about expedience is nonsense. Making a blogger account is ridiculously easy.
BlogAvoidant asked a very important question, Mike: What did Jace do to you?
Ask Heather what Jace wouldn't do.
Ask Heather what the motivator was to disclose the friendship between them (which they wanted to be more). Ask Heather what she would have done had Jace NOT given the ultimatum "We can't talk any more unless Mike knows everything."
Ask Heather what the result was of Jace's request to meet you in the real world or discuss the relationship problems as a friend.
Ask Heather why she became frustrated with Jace.
Yes, he was around to try requesting a friend connection on Facebook, and Heather at least had the respect to explain that she was ignoring it and that she felt Jace was frustrating. She didn't say why. Ask Heather about her declaration that she "caused" a reasonable discussion about psychology to turn into an argument without merit because she was "frustrated that she couldn't have what she wanted." What is it that she wanted?
Why are you even here instead of talking this out with Heather?
We know the whole story. Jace talked a lot. Here, in emails and in person to at least two other people now running the blog. He's not interested in the world or living in it any more (maybe you noticed), so we have the difficult position of speaking for him.
Would his own words matter any way? Look at the many comments on this blog that strike at him without rationality.
Doesn't anyone consider what Jace went through in all of this? All while he was "navigating the world of bullshit" at his workplace (which Heather was reluctant to accept as real)?
Jace was lonely and there was Heather, lonely. They connected. Jace held himself back. Constantly. He pushed Heather to hold back. He pushed for you both to get counseling. ETC. As we've been forced to admit, maybe he's not dead, but it sure seems that way: giving his entire online and offline life to a handful of friends after numerous suicide attempts and betrayals. What if he's out there reading this? Is that your hope? Tearing open the wound that is his formally strong intimate feelings for Heather and respect for yourself? Is that your goal? Like the other "come here to beat him down when he's already down" kind of comment posters? Are you "Able?"
If any one thing lead to Jace's downfall, it was his chivalrous and honorable nature (so said a person who knew him personally).
And yeah, we also know about how you tried to help him with a letter to KU HR. That was graceful and kind.
Your coming here to scapegoat him or "share your side of the story" might just be an emotional reaction. Fine. Great. But there's no point to arguing about any of this with people who have taken Jace's place on this site. Your conflict is with Heather.
As I said previously, we all have access to Jace's online accounts, including Facebook, and I, Intransitivus, also left a message for Heather on Facebook after becoming very frustrated that after all this time, you chose to come along and stir things up with Jace.
What does this serve? Who's ego does it reinforce? Who is the target? WHY?
Coming here to share your side... It doesn't feel that way from my view. It seems you're looking for a scape goat instead of looking within yourself and Heather.
Dearest and most poo-filled Mike,
You remind me why I hate this species called MANKIND.
You're exactly the kind of unmoderated asshole that lead Jace to down bottles of pills, repeatedly, seeking death to escape the abuses of other men.
Your kind; those needing someone to blame, to make yourselves feel better by finding some outside target.
I'm sick of being nice. I'm going to do just what Jace's blog entry said: be trash like you.
So FUCK YOU, Mike.
Fuck you for coming to this place. FUCK YOU for having even suggested Jace had anything to do with your relationship ending. He offered you help. He respected you. He lost a friend he loved because of the manipulative BULLSHIT you made her believe (which she repeated verbatim). FUCK YOU for destroying potentials and for being anti-social. FUCK YOU for having the outrageous chutzpah to come HERE, of all places, to look for a scape goat for your own selfish foolishness and complicity.
FUCK YOU for judging Jace when you never tried to get to know him. FUCK YOU for assuming he only believed what Heather told him.
Jace repeatedly redirected Heather to try looking at things from YOUR side.
FUCK YOU for being just like the same scum who tore away Jace's job, life, self respect and willingness to even live.
If you throw your shit around here, see who cares, because it's just SHIT.
Yes, FINALLY, after thinking about what this whole God damned blog is about (right up to Jace's departure), I realize that you, sir, are a typical type-A, hollow and indecent piece of SHIT, disguised as a genuine person.
I might say the same about your ex-wife who lured Jace into what must have been a most frustrating experience with women; pushing his ability to hold back, to be chivalrous, to be respectful of someone's marriage, to stop from taking advantage of YOUR and Heather's mistakes. Then, beautiful resolution, indeed, to have both people turn on Jace for no good reason, right around the time that the Jefferson dickwad had near completed fucking Jace out of a job over at Kutztown University.
So FUCK YOU and your thin suit of nice, respectful coffee, with a bit of kick just in case. Why not be what you REALLY ARE, OUTRIGHT?
Be a dick; your actions over the last however many years it was that Jace knew your ex-wife DEMONSTRATE that you really ARE a DICK. A manipulative, control freak who behaves proper but acts irresponsibly. A shield of pride on the outside hiding the rotting sewage on the inside.
Looking to make yourself a victim of Jace is so fucking standard of the selfish and hollow jerkoffs on this blog and this disgusting little planet. I never should have resurrected this blog for the minute number of people who expressed positives about it.
But back to you, asshole: You spied on Heather's email. You told her who she could and could not find solace in, be that socially or sexually. You turned her against Jace because you were too fucking intimidated and too cowardice to even meet him face to face.
Maybe if you'd have treated your wife like the beautiful, sexual and intelligent creature she is, maybe if you had followed through with your declaration to get counseling (stall tactics), maybe if you'd been more of a flexible person overall instead of arrogant and dismissive, or maybe, Mr. Poet, written poetry about Heather instead of the girl you were hung up on... oh Christ yes... I know SO VERY MUCH, Mr. Michael Coffee Poo Man in suit and tie human resources manager.
One sided? Black and white? Heather's angle only?
FUCK ALL.
Don't discount Jace's ability to read the truth in people, nor mine to judge his. He KNEW he was being used as a transition tool from unhappy marriage to "new thing." He was already the "old thing" in the case of the Jana/Toshi event, which I think Heather must have told you about, since Jace made it so very clear that he didn't want to be a Toshi.
Yes, Jace knew.
While he could have followed his hormones, his loneliness and his admiration of Heather, he ACTIVELY chose to be different from the people who had hurt him. You should already know this, yet you come in here with your suite and tie "just who's the victim" bullshit. FUCK! You demonstrate the very crux of Jace's blog:
This anti-society eats its own and breeds more of its own filth. After abuse or many hurtful events, THE ASSHOLES BECOME ASSHOLES BECAUSE IT'S EASIER THAN TAKING RESPONSIBILITY.
So, Mr. Coffee; throw your poo around. If it entertains us, we'll post it and bake you a shit pie. If it doesn't, YOU WONT EVEN EXIST HERE.
You BELONG in "Human Resources." You are everything I have come to learn about the world of men in middle management. Men who need to control. Men who take all opportunities exposed, moral or unjust. Men demand, expect and ACQUIRE what they want. By hook or by crook. Oh, but when the women leave them, then they don't get what they want unless they tell all the world how WRONGED they've been by the women and the men those women chose instead. Yes, then men like you blame women for shady one sided stories and blame the men they showed interest in.
It comes to mind so easily that men like you also blame minorities for stealing their jobs and are outwardly hostile toward disabled human beings for being on disability. Did you know Jace was on disability? Ever wonder why? Your sick, twisted anti-society that bought, bent, broke and threw poo at him.
You are so very standard American Man and I'm not going to tolerate more of this Jace-bashing bullshit here in this place he created to cry out for HELP.
No more polite pandering to your self pity-turned striking out at others. I tried to censor myself, but there's no point. You're not an expensive, fancy and delectable coffee.
You're a user.
You're a cunt.
You're the coffee that is filled with stomach turning acid because it was made from cheep beans in a coffee maker that hasn't been cleaned in decades, out of laziness and complicity.
Be ashamed at your behavior.
Be VERY ashamed.
THE. FUCKING. END.
As I said, I will not type another word if I am never again mischaracterized on this blog. Let me say as directly as I can--I do not blame Jace for my divorce. I responded to his posting because I was mentioned by name in a way that I felt was unfair and untrue.
In terms of the validity of your most recent comments about me, you have a pretty encyclopedic knowledge of my failings in my relationship with Heather, and I can't dispute most of what you had to say. But the biggest failing was a joint decision--getting married in the first place. We had a great friendship and a lot of good intentions, but not that extra "it" you need to make a marriage work...but we were just too damn young to realize that.
But I feel like you're way off on your general understanding of my character. I wake up every morning with the intent to be the best person I can be, but occasionally my will for implementation falls short of my good intentions. I feel that is a totally different flaw than the sort of person who hordes power and uses people to gain more.
When I fall short, it's usually some variation on using me intelligence as a weapon, and I'm determined not to allow myself to use that old ploy. You could argue that me answering you as respectfully as I can is some sort of ploy; if it is it is a more honorable ploy than attacking a person's intentions and motives, which nobody can possibly know or understand.
If you are so convinced that I'm an evil asshole, that all my words and actions are full of shit, I'm not going to convince you otherwise. I honestly don't remember turning down an offer to meet with Jace face to face, but I can believe I did because there was a period of time that I hated him...when I saw him as a cause of my marital problems rather than a symptom. But when he pulled down this site, I checked on a regular basis the morning call obits because I cared. There is anger and frustration in my feelings toward him, but there is also some genuine empathy. I don't like to see anyone hurt whether you believe me or not.
I think we would both benefit more from a dialogue where we could respectfully explain our opinions and perspectives on these things than a dynamic where I always feel compelled to defend myself. That was always Heather's biggest frustration with Jace and a much bigger reason they never ended up together than anything I said or did. If you don't want to have that sort of dialogue, that's fine. If my character is never called into question again on this blog, I will never submit another post.
Thank you, Mike. I will stop talking about your character. Otherwise, I don't know what else to say. The past is the past and it haunts but there's nothing anyone can do about it.
For Mike:
I intercepted your posting and I felt it was something worth posting (I want to be more charitable than those words, but I'm stressed out for so many reasons at the moment). There isn't a way I can pass the comment through AND remove your email address. I hope the following is a good alternative:
From Mike:
I don't want to break my word never to post here, I don't want to keep picking at old wounds, but I want to say 2 things that I really hope are coming from the good side of me, not the side that wants to prove you're wrong about me (I'm constantly battling internally about what my true motives are).
1. Through the recent discourse I realized I have never given Jace due credit for his genuine efforts "not to be a Toshi."
2. I want Jace's quality of life to improve. I don't know his current circumstances, and I'm at a loss for anything I can do to help. But I live in Allentown now, which I believe is right around the corner, and there might be little ways I can be helpful. I'm open to suggestions.
If you don't believe these sentiments and offer are genuine, please just delete this posting or respond to me privately at [email address deleted]. If you choose to post this, is there a way for you delete my email address? Thanks.
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