for little tigger and Dave
i remember playing...
hand full of Legos, pulled from bins
hands full of potential...
... for fun creations
one long term friend [Dave]
to play Legos with me
(thanks, Dave, [insert hug])
Transformers, Lazer Tag,
climbing the rocks at "big rock park"
roaming the woods, reading comic books...
Doctor Who, Star Wars, and other descendent's of D&D...
i had more toys, back then...
more than it seems today;
today's toys are computer-driven,
maddening things with fantastic potential unrealized.
i had more fun, back then.
childishness was acceptable;
having fun only needed imagination and a toy or three.
before money...
before expectations of earning a living...
i was 15 years old, for fuck's sake.
my childhood was not yet done and
i never had enough, to begin with.
but i do remember playing...
little tigger reminds me that i remember...
reading books... science fiction... fun stuff...
expanding my knowledge and, better, my imagination...
my escapes from reality...
away from brutal truths;
life is not so hopeful...
not so rich with potential...
not as books would suggest.
naive, i am.
naive i was.
naive i will always be.
i remember playing.
riding bicycles,
the feeling of motion
wind and speed,
up the hill and down again...
running round the woods,
with homemade science fiction gadgets
guns, communicators, suspension of disbelief devices...
i remember being able to be someone else, for a while
with a friend who was willing to share that fiction...
sometimes we'd fight over details...
"i got you first"
"i have armor"
"you can't use my cybergun against me! You never used one before! You don't know how it works!!"
but those were just negotiated details
and they didn't matter so much
even when it seemed that all play had to stop.
i remember playing...
before it was eclipsed by money,
school social circles,
girls and sexuality.
little tigger can still play
Dave once said he'd still play,
if i were willing.
Doctor Who is back.
REAL
ACTUAL
Doctor Who!!
Dave and i bonded over Doctor Who
and he still remembers!
he still feels that at heart and it makes me smile.
little tigger, a new internet friend,
reminding me of what i was like...
...before i used up all i had,
trying to be Mr. Bob Normal.
trying to satisfy the impossible.
Dave, the friend who is living in mr. normal's world
who still considers me his friend and still reaches out
and who i still feel i want in my life,
because he listened.
he admitted to what he does not understand.
more than my other "friends" could ever do.
they had too much ego to admit what they don't understand
and had to lay blame at MY feet.
not Dave.
Dave listened when i asked "please."
"please Dave, the sarcasm is too much for me any more"
Dave listened.
the others did not.
downplaying.
marginalizing.
insulting.
Dave listened and tried.
i remember playing.
little tigger reminds me it should be okay at any age,
and Dave is the playmate i remember most fondly,
even when we had our troubles...
... it was something we grew from.
i am honored that little tigger shares with me.
i am honored to know that Dave still considers me his friend.
it warms my heart that he remembers us as we were.
the one hope that i had been unwilling to permanently let go of...
one of my childhood friends being strong enough to become adult without losing it all, remembering childhood, unwilling to let go the good of it.
thank you Dave, for reaching out and trying to share you life with me
and thank you little tigger, for reminding me that these things matter,
that i am not the only one who wants the simple life
the life "the normals" want to take away from us.
hand full of Legos, pulled from bins
hands full of potential...
... for fun creations
one long term friend [Dave]
to play Legos with me
(thanks, Dave, [insert hug])
Transformers, Lazer Tag,
climbing the rocks at "big rock park"
roaming the woods, reading comic books...
Doctor Who, Star Wars, and other descendent's of D&D...
i had more toys, back then...
more than it seems today;
today's toys are computer-driven,
maddening things with fantastic potential unrealized.
i had more fun, back then.
childishness was acceptable;
having fun only needed imagination and a toy or three.
before money...
before expectations of earning a living...
i was 15 years old, for fuck's sake.
my childhood was not yet done and
i never had enough, to begin with.
but i do remember playing...
little tigger reminds me that i remember...
reading books... science fiction... fun stuff...
expanding my knowledge and, better, my imagination...
my escapes from reality...
away from brutal truths;
life is not so hopeful...
not so rich with potential...
not as books would suggest.
naive, i am.
naive i was.
naive i will always be.
i remember playing.
riding bicycles,
the feeling of motion
wind and speed,
up the hill and down again...
running round the woods,
with homemade science fiction gadgets
guns, communicators, suspension of disbelief devices...
i remember being able to be someone else, for a while
with a friend who was willing to share that fiction...
sometimes we'd fight over details...
"i got you first"
"i have armor"
"you can't use my cybergun against me! You never used one before! You don't know how it works!!"
but those were just negotiated details
and they didn't matter so much
even when it seemed that all play had to stop.
i remember playing...
before it was eclipsed by money,
school social circles,
girls and sexuality.
little tigger can still play
Dave once said he'd still play,
if i were willing.
Doctor Who is back.
REAL
ACTUAL
Doctor Who!!
Dave and i bonded over Doctor Who
and he still remembers!
he still feels that at heart and it makes me smile.
little tigger, a new internet friend,
reminding me of what i was like...
...before i used up all i had,
trying to be Mr. Bob Normal.
trying to satisfy the impossible.
Dave, the friend who is living in mr. normal's world
who still considers me his friend and still reaches out
and who i still feel i want in my life,
because he listened.
he admitted to what he does not understand.
more than my other "friends" could ever do.
they had too much ego to admit what they don't understand
and had to lay blame at MY feet.
not Dave.
Dave listened when i asked "please."
"please Dave, the sarcasm is too much for me any more"
Dave listened.
the others did not.
downplaying.
marginalizing.
insulting.
Dave listened and tried.
i remember playing.
little tigger reminds me it should be okay at any age,
and Dave is the playmate i remember most fondly,
even when we had our troubles...
... it was something we grew from.
i am honored that little tigger shares with me.
i am honored to know that Dave still considers me his friend.
it warms my heart that he remembers us as we were.
the one hope that i had been unwilling to permanently let go of...
one of my childhood friends being strong enough to become adult without losing it all, remembering childhood, unwilling to let go the good of it.
thank you Dave, for reaching out and trying to share you life with me
and thank you little tigger, for reminding me that these things matter,
that i am not the only one who wants the simple life
the life "the normals" want to take away from us.
posted by dysamoria at
7:38 AM
4 Comments:
I tride 2b a Bob Normal Growedup once.
I tride using the growedup man voice.
I tride to drink beer.
I tride to like scrawny ugly models.
It almost worked, eves with a pretty, atrackitve chubby girl.
Then it dide.
I cood not stand being miserable again, and
stharted to 4get, I 4got 2 keep from watching
Sesame Street, or Rugrats, or Teletubbies but
there they were all over the store making the
other kids happy and I lost my grip on trying
2b a growedup, I slipped and watched it
and remembered who I rilly was.
I stopped watchitng the dum boring poopy sad
noews and I got less and less resistince and
now I cood not remember who or what I almost becombed
and im just the little boy I always was, I never made it
to be a growedup, I cant duit.
I just had 2b me, and as u know how dads are he did
not get why I keept 4getting and slipping.
Peple can just sit there anh 'expect" all they want,
and I will just have 2 dilsapoint them, sorry Bob and Carole
Normal, I cannot live 4u, I dont have enuf power, I am only
able 2 live 4 me now.
we should only ever have to be what we are. society will never accept that and it will self destruct. fuck 'em. They're mostly sociopaths.
i feel as though i let you down jace. my own joy which turned to sadness obscured my friendship and care for you. i am sorry. it seems my destiny is to spend my life saying i am sorry to the many i have let down in this lifetime.
i don't think you failed me. you're where you are and i'm where i am. i actually never thought i would hear from my friend Dave again (obviously a different Dave from the one we know here and at flickr). Life does what it does. People make choices or don't. Sometimes they/we can't.
why do you think you've let me down?
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