disturbed

there are people who find my blog and my artwork to be disturbing. i feel the reality escapes them: these disturbing words and images are the result of being disturbed by cruel and unjust events, often targeted directly at me. the majority of these experiences that have disturbed me are psychologically violent, not physically violent. imagine how much worse my words, my art and my reactions would be if i were not trying my best to exert self control.

i wish to take this concept, embed it firmly in your mind, and have it become conscious before the next time you judge me as one thing or another. in fact, i wish to take this concept further; use me as a starting point for considering what happens to the minds of people who are physically/sexually abused, are witnesses of physical abuse and/or have seen the bodies of their neighbors shredded by shrapnel, limbs twisted and crushed, hanging by loose flesh and burned into forms unrecognizable.

can you imagine this horror?

i have friends who know many more disturbing facts than myself about our country, government, businesses and associated selfish, terrorizing, sociopathic authority figures and organizations. They were once asked (and i paraphrase) "How do you sleep at night, knowing all the bad things that you know?"

It is a question that troubles me; the more i learn from them, the more fearful, restless and impotent i feel.

Their given response (based on current discussion) is multifaceted:

"Sheer exhaustion" was one quick response. But, with further consideration, more optimistic responses came along:

"The more people you connect with who know the same things you know, the less alone and helpless you feel."

"The more you know, the better your chances of defeating it."

Or, as one colorful rephrasing put it: "The more you see [the thing], the easier it is to find where to thrust your sword."

Knowing what i know about the computer industry, its history, behaviors, anti-social tendencies (on the corporate end and on the customer service end), were the direct motivators for "leaving the business." When i began working at Kutztown University in Rohrbach Library's Learning Technology Center, i found that i had a wonderful opportunity before me: i was able to help individuals with education and knowledge instead of apologizing for technological failures i had no control over. i was directly enabling "end users" to shed their feelings of helplessness, intimidation and fear of a technology that was oppressive and where the customer service attitude amounted to "Read The Fucking Manual" and "user error."

i was enabled to enable others at a time in my life which was filled with personal trauma and loss. This allowed me to "survive" the days and nights, knowing that my existence was functional and useful and knowing that i was passing on at least some of my knowledge to others, one by one, perhaps having far more success fighting the computer industry demon at the micro level, one mind at a time, instead of self immolating, in the path of the unstoppable tank called "the bottom line."

This was a life line. Progress in the world of working and business, when there was much backwards motion in my personal life of love, trust and relationships.

During this time, i was built up by people who were soon to become new enemies and toxins. People i trusted to be loyal, professional and moral. These same people quickly tore me down when i reached an almost stable point of equilibrium. One force, in my personal life, that tore me down was my new, foolish and naive love; she became all she claimed to stand against (or, essentially, returned to her childish origins). She was devoid of empathy for my struggles with the business force pulling me down: my own employers. The employers were intimidated by my abilities. The girl was intimidated by her own insecurities. My employers, starting with "will jefferson," continued a lifetime war against my own sense of self with degrading and cruel assumptions, proclamations, defamation and other forms of anti-social psychological violence. My "new lover" repeated (in 1/14th time) the emotional violence previously committed against me by my former "lover" and "friends" (people and events which she had actively damned and swore to protect me from and prove herself better than).

"The lover" became a toxin i had to block from my existence. The employers continued their war against whatever it was they saw as "the enemy" within me.

The basis for all of these events is my knowledge. The things i know and how much i know about them. The way i am able to competently inform others and spread understanding about the reality hidden beneath the "majority preferred" sugar coatings that distract from the underlying truths.

"She" was afraid of being "seen" and "known" and "they" were afraid of being out-shined and undermined in their own stale position of "Peter Principal capability ceilings."

It disturbs the incompetent and "the offenders" to be seen for what they are. It disturbs the comfort of the majority to see the reality of the world around them as being composed of millions of facets and intertwined and co-mingling systems within systems within systems. When a few human minds (the minority or "the thinkers") are able to handle this complexity, seeing the forest and the trees concurrently, the majority is disturbed. The majority are afraid of the "hidden" complexity, egotistically offended that others can see it (demonstrate and prove it) when they cannot and are egotistically terrorized by the potential of their "ignorance" to be "found out."

"The lover" was a life line. She cut that line and then offered to substitute it with a sham. i cut myself out of her life because of how disturbing to me it was to see how easily she could cut me from hers.

Around this time, i discovered another lifeline. flickr. That story has been told to death. The end result will be that i lost contact with other humans of like minds, i lost affirmation and validation and the visible record of that precious element called "social acceptance." Yahoo will get one more negative "failed to respond to contact" point with the BBB and all will have been said and done.

Yet, i still know what i know. All these disturbing things. The knowledge continues to pile up and my mind continues to unwind in my sleep because there is nothing i can do about any of these things. Sheer exhaustion has lead me to disability in regards to the workforce. The "genius ability" (side effect) of my autism gives me near perfect recall (uncontrolled) of all things disturbing me to the extent that i have twisted, toxic dreams and dream-hallucinations, auditory hallucination of my fears and worsening seizures in my sleep (screaming stuttering objections into the faces of the criminals scarring my mind, unable to wake from paralysis and unable to breathe due to my own saliva choking off my airway and vocal cords).

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is not aided by the continued exposure to the evils of humanity. i know of no "weak points" into which to thrust my sword, nor even have hope of injuring these demons, let alone destroying them... and... they are what has shaped my very existence to this day.

Despite knowing better, this species called "Human" continues to have evil at its root. The majority are complacent, apathetic and arrogant. The minority groups of "those who know" are despised and hunted without just cause, morality or pause, using methods that are illegal when not simply immoral.

You find me to be disturbing, but i find you, the world at large, to be far more frightening than anything i could ever imagine all alone. The way you mercilessly mutilate your fellow human beings with ego-propped self righteousness and arrogance... the way you manipulate the "facts" and the people over which you have influence... the way you are willing to sacrifice your own species future for your own personal gain today. Shattering bodies of human beings without identity, removing their identity to make their destruction (and their existence) unworthy of note and sheltering yourselves and your royal seed from any discomfort (be that ego, conscience or physical exertion).

Is there any wonder why my art and my words are disturbing? i am a hyper-sensitive human being, aware of so much more than you are capable, being beaten down into suicidal states of mind because i am unacceptable by your anti-social "social norms."

You think i am disturbed? Go to rotton.com or, better yet, go to "Google Images" and do a search for "war wounds" or "birth defects" and dig down into the causes of the horrors you witness via the convenience of distance and digital anonymity. Dare to expose yourself to yourselves before you declare me to be too disturbed to deal with.