"the catch" turns 32
yeah, "the catch"
as in "catch 22"
"you're great, but you're not worth my effort"
she actually said this bullshit...
"jace, you're a catch,"
as she was snipping the line,
tossing me back into the salt water,
her hook still embedded in my torn flesh.
"a catch"
"a real man"
you know what this "real man" wants to do?
spit in elise's face, just like pat did.
another year of my life gone and
all i have to show for it is the bullshit lines
the erratic, selfish and cruel behavior
handed to me by women like her.
if this is what you are,
and how you've treated other people,
you deserved getting spit on.
all i am, today...
naked, cold, fearful, traumatized.
as you, and those like you, have made me.
as in "catch 22"
"you're great, but you're not worth my effort"
she actually said this bullshit...
"jace, you're a catch,"
as she was snipping the line,
tossing me back into the salt water,
her hook still embedded in my torn flesh.
"a catch"
"a real man"
you know what this "real man" wants to do?
spit in elise's face, just like pat did.
another year of my life gone and
all i have to show for it is the bullshit lines
the erratic, selfish and cruel behavior
handed to me by women like her.
if this is what you are,
and how you've treated other people,
you deserved getting spit on.
all i am, today...
naked, cold, fearful, traumatized.
as you, and those like you, have made me.
Labels: abuse, anti-social, arrogance, behaviors, choices, desires of suicide, exposure, lost, love, neuroracism, psychology, shame, truth, women
posted by dysamoria at
6:07 PM
9 Comments:
This sounds alot like how it ended
when I hocked a loogy in Sewer's face.
Love, is it really worth the pain to me?
I blackly answer NO.
I quit on love, its only purpose is to destroy.
Its purpose is to turn a happy little
boy into a dark shadow man who
blackens with time and turns into
black cold onyx.
Love can eat a big smelly
brown rotten
decroded bile ridden
fecal piece of STOOL.
I want to rape love with a knife
and watch it bleed down the rusty
drain they call life.
To hell with love.
Yes it is a dilemma. May this year be a time of healing as you move into your future Jace. I do not know the answer to what will lead you, but it is my desire for you.
It had become obvious after the last major seemingly negative occurrence in my life that I needed let go of the bitterness that was beginning to grow within me. I realized that I was angry and it was consuming me. I could not allow this to happen. Else I felt that I would be allowing evil people to win out over me. The privilege to live my life in Joy will be taken away by no one. Well joyous moments that is, as life is hard and so it will never be one continuous blissful existence. Regardless, I want to feel good about my life and do what makes me happy. So I do.
You are still quite young though. This is such an asset for you. I hope for you, strength to be healed. I do have some practical ideas that may assist you. For instance, you do supplement your diet with B12 right? All vegetarian's must or they will become B12 deficient.
Have you tried visualization tactics? You brain receives the message and co-operates by using this tactic more and more. A picture is created in the mind. Try to override the negative thoughts of the abuse from your past with visualization of what you want in your life. It could serve as a distraction so that you can alter your focus. If you visual your hearts desire you will be sending a strong message to counteract the repeated thought processes. It's like daydreaming about sex. If you do it, the vibe you put off will result in the possibility of it in reality to increase. So say you did not daydream about it then your mind would not be focused on it and you would not be putting out signals for it. The hard part of positive change is having the faith to believe it will be better. Just last week I found a quote (it's on my fridge now) that I saved a few years back when I went through that major ordeal. It says "Anything is possible if you only believe", I believe in those words. It is a powerful statement if you believe it.
wow, little tigger, your response is intense. Thank you for sharing. it feels very much like some of the things i've said on my blog in dark postings. i feel bad for what you've suffered. i know of no suggestions or solutions to offer. i wish i did. i still owe you an email response.
Christine:
you suggested:
"Try to override the negative thoughts of the abuse from your past with visualization of what you want in your life. It could serve as a distraction so that you can alter your focus. If you visual your hearts desire you will be sending a strong message to counteract the repeated thought processes. It's like daydreaming about sex. If you do it, the vibe you put off will result in the possibility of it in reality to increase."
HAH! i WISH! If there were truth to this in MY OWN LIFE, i would have many fantasy loves, be exploring the universe in a starship with a few companions, or at least living decently with a life mate.
i DO have these visualizations. Even though i have TONS more of the negative memories popping into my consciousness, i have been a daydreamer for my whole life. Love, girls, sex, happiness, success... mostly girls, though.
i'll tell you what part of your suggestion i WHOLLY SUPPORT: Having confidence SHOWS. i have several times in my life been very specific about changing the attitudes i exude when i'm around people so that i project confidence.
There have been positive results. It got me some jobs, some dates, some workplace recognition by clients, etc.
There have also been negative results: egotistical insecurity in jealous people. jefferson was a perfect example of this. The better i shined in my work, the worse he became to and about me and my work. The more he interfered. The more he defamed me behind my back.
i have no faith. i have little to zero ability to have faith. But i accept the truth of your statement that it has a very positive cosmetic affect on the outside and affects [most] people in a positive way (at least in the beginning).
You're right, essentially. i just don't think it applies to my situation any more. :-(
Thank you for offering advise :-)
I hope it was not too intense to stand,
but your welcome its good to know there is someone out there who isnt one of those
, uhh how do you say it, a guy who is like
"oh there is someone out there 4 u" yeah
EZ 4 him 2 say as he sucks the face off
of his 'girlfriend' who he will probably
dump or be dumped by in a month or 2,
he either feels no pain or likes getting
hurt, I dont know but he also seem 2 think
that becuzz im a boy that somehow I can
just keep bouncing back with "boundless
energy" racing off into the mud called
love to hurt himself again. I have
no word to diskibe this poor schlubb,
but I have given up so as not 2b bither
bothered by his sorry butt. I tell him
that "love" is Not on the menu or that
Im just a kid or that I just plain dont
like girls just to get him 2 leave me alone.
yeah, the "there's someone for you" bullshit is really annoying. i've found that the only people who say it with such intensity are either already WITH someone or are using some "crutch" like religion or drugs to fill their own empty side.
and no, you weren't too intense for me :-)
jacey i know you feel that theres someone for everyone is crap. i thought that too. i thought i was unable to make a proper decision regarding people. having as i wondered if i should even attempt to even try again. but i knew i was so tired of being alone even with someone, that i myself had to make changes. perhaps i have not been supportive enough for you my friend. ive been so sick, ive not done much lately. i have a gift for tokka that i still haven't sent in my car as i have basically shut myself in my home. i am a walking nightmare. i go to work and i come home, I've even left off the pictures lately, i can't find my camera, i can't find my cell, if it weren't for jeremy on the computer, i'd probably been hauled off by now. anyway i'm rambling on and i just really wanted to say i'm sorry
Hi, Dee... i know you have lots of the same kind of agony i have. Don't worry about not being around much. i said the same on your blog, i think. We have trouble just doing our daily activities. Communication becomes even harder and we need to rest and hide. i totally understand. i've been carted away before... don't let them do it to you. They take charge and make decisions for you that you wont want.
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