this is my childhood santa

(click to enlarge)

people ask me about my childhood. i usually have nothing to say. a lot of the positive childhood sensations comes from my Nana. she spoiled me well on xmas and my birthday. in later years, we conflicted because it was now adult to adult. i eventually understood her and we made peace. at her death (which i personally do not feel was peaceful, and i will never know), i again said my words of love and admiration for her presence in my life. the thing that always confounded me about Nana was that she lost her husband at such a young age and never accepted the idea of ever having another man. "I had a husband. He died." she would say forcefully when anyone would suggest she make a male acquaintance. i don't know if this is her upbringing or her heart of hearts. every year, and this i admire, respect and love about her, on xmas eve night, she would burn two candles in memory of her husband. i never met him. He died when my mother was 16. This was terrible for all involved, especially my mother who was not expected to "need a father" as much as her brother "needed his father." But every year, every xmas eve, the candles. When i asked my mother, she explained why. i was in awe. it is giving me painful tears just typing this. so i will stop. but i will add one more note: if not for the heartless bastards at KU, i would have had more fortitude to include Nana in my life before she died. this is another thing they stole from me and my family.