doctor who linked vaccines to autism finally found to be full of shit by UK medical officals

"This week, Dr. Andrew Wakefield's now infamous study linking the MMR vaccine to autism was finally retracted by the prestigious Lancet medical journal. The move came days after medical officials in the United Kingdom found the doctor guilty of multiple ethics violations. For doctors, this is a victory -- but a bittersweet one.

As a pediatrician, I grapple daily with what Wakefield wrought: parents who are twisted in knots -- to the point of tears -- about whether to immunize their child. In the 12 years since the publication of Wakefield's study, 10 of his fellow co-authors have denounced him, and an unremitting series of revelations have exposed just how corrupt his motives and methods were. Most important, multiple studies verified there is no link between the MMR (or any other) vaccine and autism. Meanwhile, infectious diseases once confined to medical history have broken out in our communities. To say the retraction is criminally overdue is an understatement."

"click here to read the complete story.

fuck your arrogant, passive-aggressive righteousness

you know who you are. congratulations on contributing to the dystopia by treating people the way you just treated someone i care about. yeah, you talked nice for a while... feeding us with the kind of stuff that makes you out to be some kind of purveyor of friendly wisdom. you made your self sacrificial offerings (which i now see are total bullshit, serving only to stroke your own need to be perceived a specific way)... you, the survivor of horrible mistreatment who learned to treat people better than you'd been treated... fuck all. it's all bullshit. you learned nothing. proven by your actions. you're more BPD (or even sociopathic) than you'll ever admit (likely admitting to no foul play, claiming sincerity & good intentions).

Listen, FUCKER: you don't toss people away with holier-than-thou, passive-aggressive dismissive "i'm not your friend" messages just because YOU have a personal communication problem, especially when you lack even the slightest actualized respect for someone else's communication comfort zones & cannot treat them with the same dignity you demand from them. you could have just quietly gone away, but you had to make an attack. whatever your personal problems are, they're YOURS. no one here did anything to you to elicit your borderline personality disorder-like attitude. your "reaction" was your own & was not a response to the bullshit you claim. IT'S YOUR OWN PROBLEM.

shame on me for thinking better of you. shame on you for being what you claim to hate: a demonstrated elitist cunt, wearing the internet clothes of "humble intellectual."

you're not welcome here any more. on the internet, you're not in charge of disconnection from your targets of insecurity; THEY are. once you show what you're really worth, your target no longer cares about your complaint because it's invalidated by your attitude & the way you handled yourself. enjoy your "freedom."

you're not intelligent enough to comprehend what you see here

you disgust me. you react to a photo (on a fucking blog, of all things unimportant in the scheme of things - do you believe every image you see on television or every piece of bullshit FOX News tells you? you probably DO, don't you). a photo of me with a gun to my head. oh. the. horror.

i wish i HAD a gun to put to my head & end my suffering. but, jesus fucking shit, do you REALLY think i actually have a MAC10 machine gun, you fucking idiots?

you never react to anything on my blog that's intellectual or requested, but you call the cops about a fucking piece of expressive art.

GET A LIFE. look up Bob Flanagan. he performed acts of self mutilation ON STAGE, in front of audiences, as expressive ART. i don't approach his bravery with my stupid photos. are you going to call the cops on him? no, because he doesn't have a blog. AND HE'S DEAD. (no, he didn't commit suicide, you fucking idiots - he performed acts of self mutilation to displace the suffering of cystic fibrosis, kind of how i'm displacing MY suffering, only he made the world pay attention & taught people something whereas no one seems to fucking have a clue in regard to me).

what the fuck is wrong with you?? if it requires reading comprehension or intellect, you're unresponsive. you're ignorant. blank. you're FUCKING STUPID. it's pretty clear you don't really think, at all. you only react.

well, reaction doesn't = thought. even the guy i've slammed as an ignorant asshole (chief genovese, of coplay police) is able to discern the difference between reality (me expressing how i feel through art & my freedom of fucking speech) & your stupid, dense, insubstantial, ignorant, reactive paranoia. he can tell that i DON'T have a fucking machine gun, let alone a goddamned MAC10, for FUCK'S SAKE.

you idiots are not compassionate or caring. you're not helpful or conscientious by "reacting" without first THINKING. you call the police without spending a microsecond to consider fucking REALITY (ie: jace doesn't actually own a fucking machine gun). you're disruptive, invasive, rude, & a general WASTE of public resources (luckily, genovese has a brain, more than i gave him credit for, & doesn't need to send someone out to my fucking shithole to make sure i'm not about to spray bullets all over the place, like you seem to think i'm going to do because you saw this photo).

do you even know how much effort it takes to create such a photo?? NO YOU DON'T. i will tell you: it's not a snapshot taken in the heat of a moment. it's a carefully crafted piece of work that took me a few hours to complete.

a photo of a gun to someone's head doesn't mean they're shooting things. look up "gun to head" on Google images, you fucking ignorant retards. why don't you call the police on every single one of THOSE people?

if i showed you a photo of me with body paint & an upside-down cross painted on my chest, do you automatically assume i worship satan (which i don't believe in)? yeah, you probably DO, don't you, you fucking ignorant, black-&-white-thinking, mindless, programmed, robotic IDIOTS.

i know about your call because chief genovese came to my shitty hellhole to respond to my selfish, arrogant, idiot-neighbor-dotty's retarded, inconsiderate, asshole complaint about me (GASP) playing guitar loudly (GASP), which i did to displace the unbearable agony of the motherfucking tree trimming & wood chipper out front of my house for the first six hours of the goddamned day.

genovese came to respond to "an opinion of what is acceptable noise & what isn't;" NOT to talk to me about a stupid photo of a gun to my head. he knows i don't have a fucking MAC10. he knows i'm creating expressive, political, personal photographic content & NOT "asking for help." especially NOT the mindless inflicted "help" of the sick & abusive "healthcare system." he even knows not to take it personally when i've called him an asshole on this very blog (which i did because we've had a serious conflict of viewpoints/opinions). i discussed it with him. today. on my porch. freezing my fucking ass off.

your "help" is UNWANTED. it's invasive & inflicted upon victims of your ignorance & social intolerance. you're NOT a "good person," nor demonstrating "caring" when you do things like this. you're an ignorant idiot, selectively reacting like a mindless drone to what your myopic social programming deems "unacceptable." you're harmful & offensive.

you MAKE ME FUCKING SICK. you PISS ME OFF.

besides... i HAVE asked for "help," very specifically & directly, MANY times on this blog, using WORDS (you know, those strings of letters that form thoughts, which you don't seem to comprehend). for example: i've very specifically asked for help with relocation, doctors, medication & defense against abuse, only to be FUCKING IGNORED by you ignorant & antipathetic FUCKERS, or ABUSED BY YOU in response.

yet, you same ignorant fucktards call the police when you see a FUCKING ART PIECE that "distresses" your myopic, narrow-minded stimulus-response programming.

GROW THE FUCK UP & GET A FUCKING CLUE, YOU IGNORANT ASSHOLES. if you want to HELP me, then READ what i've ASKED YOU TO HELP WITH & act on THAT.

otherwise, kindly FUCK RIGHT OFF the edge of your delusional little flat earth & stay out of my shitty little spherical world.


it's likely you can't even comprehend THIS & haven't even read this far without going "whut? ah don gettit."


jesus... F U C K O F F.

bragging

this IS the dystopia, II

the corporate states of america's board of directors has spoken: money is speech. this was built on the already condemning mistake a supreme court ruled into law many decades ago (corporate personhood). now we have corporate money as "freedom of speech" to uncap the lobbying & bribery.

those of us already screwed by sociopathic corporations (& local government entities) have even more power. those who feel they're benefiting from the status quo continue remark how great things are while claiming superior knowledge & morality (that's you, "Charley H Cat"). those of us with little or no money have "less speech" just like we already had "fewer rights."

i have no rights b/c i have no money to pay a lawyer to defend those so-called rights in a court of law. what changed? now i have less speech b/c i can't pay my agenda into "representatives" & "government" attentions.

i'm sick of this country. call me un-american or whatever your nationalism (your fake "patriotism") trained you to call me, you ignorant greedy filth pigs.

this country is a hollow lie. say what you like. or don't, because i'll exercise my "freedom" to control comments on my blog by deleting arrogant jerks, or maybe even comments i simply just don't agree with.

THAT'S the "american way."

(this IS the dystopia, original entry)

(image by Adbusters)

decapitated heads on sticks, in front of kittens

this was a couple yards down from mine; this last halloween.

some time back, chief genovese wanted me to take down my art installation (porch, summertime). but THIS crap, bloody heads on sticks, is ok?

mine had no faces. no people. there was "fake blood," but it was paint for words & marks on burnt electronics. yet it "upset the neighbors??"

chief asshole said "you know, if it was halloween, that'd be different." so, as long as it's halloween, any horrific thing is acceptable??

NO.

a friend told me her kids hate the gory displays people put in their yards. yes, kids. during halloween. terrified of frightening & horrific displays in people's yards. any cops coming round to tell these display makers to take it down? no, because it's not at all within their jurisdiction to do so. i should have refused, but i tried to harmonize & be "a good guy" with the locals. what an idiot i was. pushed. coerced. manipulated for the convenience of intolerant assholes who are uncomfortable with REAL suffering on display. as if i had no RIGHT to decry the treatment i've suffered...

... yet somehow, to this fucked-up coplay community of autism-ignorant, hate-filled conservatives... heads on spikes are ok, &, if it's not halloween, a social outcast autistic guy expressing his distress of losing his entire life to ... well... ignorant, hate-filled, conservatives, on his own goddamned private property, with art sculptures & writing, is somehow unacceptable & "frightening" to the community.

yeah? well here's some "frightening" verbal abuse, in blood red:

FUCK YOU.

showering doesn't help (DCS)

pressure tank, sea bed, submarine...
the crazy, crawling all over, inside me.
cartilage burns, suggestions of bursting joints, bone,
pounding overstimmed retina, occipital nerves,
ear drums against 10,000 leagues of pressure,
lungs flooded, bile, desperate spasms failing to collect air.

hate, abuse, inflicted help, constantly applied, pushed
inert toxin into blood, solution form, mixture, but,
now, ascent from depths unimagined, too fast, catalyst, reaction.
outside, daylight, time, your "world," my near-vacuum of space,
dissolution, expansion, embolism, water of life boiling,
madness, no longer inert, not READY to burst:

WANTS to.

[snarky title here]

my immediate family IS my primitive ancestry.

the guy shack

... one yard over, out back.

as i sit on the toilet, i hear, behind me, what sounds like hate-group
killings, dogfighting (w/o dogs), or spectator sports being watched on
tv by the kind of males i've always felt alienated by.

it's like a kind of catholic church "call & response" noise, except
far more malignant & with violent aggression.

i can't (thankfully) hear the tv.

it's 1:30am on a Wednesday night. WTF. it's like every goddamned
night, these guyshack meets. don't these dudes have day jobs?

glad i can't hear it in my bedroom. deep male animal shouting in
groups is akin to dick-trombone cars... or visa versa. those
frequencies cut through sound insulation like a hot bullet through
fatty brain tissue.

like dotty's noise. or my new neighbor's noise.

surrounded by all the wrong kinds of projectiles at my brain.

gun. bullet. in my brain stem, please.

yes, exactly.

from emphryio:"These constant strangers asking how I am, I want to respond: I'm not a part of a community with you. You're a total stranger to me who couldn't possibly care less how I'm doing. Quit pretending we're a part of community. There is no community. There is no connection at all."

two drops.

you want noise?

i have superior fire power, bitch!














(and here's mischievous dotty blowing leaves into other people's yards)

coplay, 3rd street philthadelphia row

the pattern at the house of the dead:

obscene clock radio, 6am,
old-style bell ringer phone, 8:30am,
repeating at 20-30 minute intervals,
at least four times, daily.
sprinkling of television or radio in the evening.

almost peaceful, compared to the house of sociopathy
in my other ear:

sneezing, coughing, bitching,
obsessively scheduled cleaning
(vacuum loudly, every Friday, 11am, or bust)

toilet, shower, television,
family, children,
children's children,

telephones, dishes, doors,
cars, bells, redecorating
drills & hammers...

elephantine feet creaking my floorboards
all hours of the twenty-four.

none of this is mine.

walls, from basement to roof,
the very structure, a resonator, broadcasting
the most intrusive frequencies, eternal kinetic energy...

still in my head as coplay turns back into a rotted pumkin
for the night, when only cars are allowed to be "unreasonably" noisy,
convoluted reverberation... repeating, deep, infinite early reflections,

the hallucinations of a clonazepam & effexor junky,
living in an abandoned warehouse of (the formerly,
and soon to again be) endless sensory horrors.

social security check pissed away,
mortgaging a postage stamp sized hell hole,
the monthly insult. salt in wound. [insert cliches here]

this is not a house, nor it is my home.
it's not a space to be me, because
you're in it, 24-hours daily.

your intrusions, unwanted toxic spillage...
but i've no rights, no police on my payroll.
i can't filter you out or have you taken away.

this is not a house; it is a torture chamber for autistics.
this is not a town; it is your antisociety's greatest ideals,
a collection of lying, demonic, mocking virgin mary statues
like creepy little gnomes, on petty little lawns of manicured madness.

selling gods as answers

religion sales at my door at 11:40am.

i was polite, but it disrupted my body (guts and mind) getting out of a cozy bed (away from a desperate attempt to relax w/hated meds).

my door has signs on it about my neighbor being rude, nasty & ignorant. it's not an invitation for religious saviorship.

my guts are twisting up again b/c i had to shove them off before i froze to death & they could pre-answer every response i had to give them... w/o me personally wanting to be offensive to strangers.

please stop doing it, people.

save me in practical & concrete ways, not with misguided, programed & toxic religious protocol.

my mother already slated me against ALL organized religion by BEING the epitome of the mindless religious zealot. the bad apple.

you don't help. you don't even comprehend what you're dealing with. you merely corrupt me more. stop.

congratulations, kristin

you made success

National Shame Day II 2009 (the late edition):

See the film Food, Inc. for your lesson this year. i cannot finish watching it.

i was prepared for the slaughtering & factory processing; i've been a vegetarian since before elise shat on my heart... but in this film, there was new information i was not prepared for... like the reading materials at my activist companion's house a couple decembers ago... i know enough to know this information is not "spin" or "propaganda;" it's sickening truth.

i've lived it.

Around the 1 hour & 15 minute mark into this film, i couldn't take any more.

The sociopathic evil of corporations & this horrific "nation" called "The United States of America...," its sociopathy, which i've come to know, intimately, through the computer industry, the history of human slaving & genocide, the automotive industry's destruction of mass transit before most of you greedy bastards even learned to drive, & my own personal experience with the pharmaceutical industry, "health" industry & the "education" industry...

... Yet there was still MORE evil to see.

An aggressive, evilly applied sociopathy in yet another realm of "human society" i'd not yet known about... it disgusted me so much i had to stop watching the film. i threw my delicate, financially irreplaceable glasses on the floor on my way to the toilet, acid filling my esophagus & hate passing between synapses while the clonazepam was calling out "i'll make you feel less murderous... but keep taking me or i'll make you kill people... or i'll kill you... when you withdraw." That drug, the last remainder of chemical toxin brought into my life by my "friends."

Good film. Bad timing. Bad audience of ME. Part of the choir.

i am having flashbacks of jefferson, picus, AFSCME, Daytimers & Kutztown University's sociopathy. Sick to my stomach. Overheating. Backache. My insides burning, from the chemical level all the way up to the theoretical quantum mechanics that might make up the thing you call a "mind."

i am filled with a burning hate of all that is "USA;" all that is supposedly humanity... society.

i am your enemy & i hate you. Yet, you engineered me. Crafted me. YOU MADE me... and you are comforted that i am this penniless, impotent, disabled loser you made of me... because i am powerless to affect you. You can keep being evil till you die & your evil seed continues to spread, making TODAY a reality that was once just a fanciful dystopian fiction of the "future" in the minds of authors who could see like i can see... only they saw it first.

i can see & wish not to.
i hate seeing.
i hate knowing.
i hate YOU.

The hate is just an ineffective & powerless awareness.

All i can do is call you out:
"i know what you are."
It doesn't hurt you at all,
but i KNOW WHAT YOU ARE.

Enjoy eating your shame.
Eat it. Stuff it down with beer & pharmaceuticals from Wyeth, Pfizer & the gang.
"Thanksgiving", "Christmas", "New Year's Eve."

It's not just the food or the production of it upsetting me, you stupid bastards.
It's your behavior.
It's YOU.

You are cruel, sociopathic, evil monsters.
Not the fictional monsters hiding under the bed in a child's fearful, innocent little mind;
YOU are real, actual monsters.
Monsters that call themselves "people."

Shame on YOU.

image vs. reality xi (what you don't know) [UPDATE]

"belief" is not "knowledge."

UPDATE: holy crap: WATCH THIS!!
why would i ever have an original thought, right? but no, good to see this.
thanks to the commenter who gave me the link.

fuck you, new york state senate

the new york state senate voted down the gay marriage bill. i guess that shows pretty clearly that the majority of them are conservative racist asshole fuckheads. seems that's common in humanity.

The Hypocrite Oaf: First Establish Dominance Over Patient

(This article is a cooperative authorship of jace cavacini (the patient), VictoryGrey and blogavoidant (members of my blog, my NowPublic.com profile and my ONLY support structure in this anti-society; there may be some shifting in perspective of who is telling the story)

Dr. Alex Thomas. PsyMD. Number five(?) in my experiences with sociopathic-like psychiatric doctors. Psychiatrists who seem to have god complexes… It's very common in this profession because they have the power to declare that anything they dislike about a patient is pathological. No one keeps these doctors in check, despite regulations requiring them to regularly attend their own psychiatric evaluations. Who watches the watchers? More of the same. It's like getting the government to start a legal battle for you against a government institution.

Quote:

"After reading The Myth of Mental Illness by Thomas Szasz(1961), I began to notice that the only time I saw "mental illness" in anyone was when I was at the hospital wearing my long white coat, working as a psychologist. When I was outside the hospital I never thought of anything people said as "sick," no matter how outrageous their words or actions. I found it interesting that my perception of "mental illness" in people was so situationally influenced." - How Non-Diagnostic Listening Led to a Rapid "Recovery" from Paranoid Schizophrenia, by Al Siebert, PhD. Excerpted from Journal of Humanistic Psychology, Vol. 40, No. 1, Winter, 2000. pp. 34-58. http://www.successfulschizophrenia.org/articles/ndlisten.html

People wonder why i have PTSD, why it is so severe and why i dislike repeating myself to new doctors, offices and staff. This article is a particularly excellent example of why:

This was another of countless attempts to get me into a relationship with a new PsyMD since the loss of my prior, excellent Neuro-Psychiatrist Autism Specialist (he lost his privte practice because he could not financially maintain it as insurance companies refused to pay for "specialist" services). i need a new doctor for two very specific purposes:

1. Social Security Disability and Welfare seem to frown on providing services to "psychiatric needs persons" who do not have a psychiatrist. Obviously they assume we're in constant need of medication, therapy and other interference instead of healthy, stress-free and choice-filled living.
2. i am trying to discontinue the use of clonazepam, the benzodiazepine drug prescribed to me in order to mask the side-effects of another psychiatric drug (Effexor XR) i was coerced into taking (which i have since discontinued… a living hell that lasted months and the long term damages of four years of use are still unknown). i've been on clonazepam for about four years. It is physiologically addicting, is destroying my personality, impulse control, sex life and, most crucial: interfering with any future potential to "recover" from my toxic life experiences. Read my previous article about benzodiazepines for more information on the specific topic of benzodiazepines.

This article focuses on an occasion that was actually TWO appointments (TWO appointments to accomplish ONE first appointment with a doctor??). TWO occasions to waste precious tax payer money. TWO occasions to try the patience and the sanity of the patient seeking help.

The First appointment: an "intake interview," was on 10/30/09 at Friday, 2pm with Amy (last name unknown).

Appointment Location:

Haven House
1530 Hanover Ave

Allentown, PA 18109

(on the grounds of the State Mental Hospital, which crapped me out seeing as i have a fear of wrongful imprisonment, or any kind of restraint at all)

The Outpatient Director at Haven House is Allison Smith, who can be contacted at 610-433-6181, extension 119. Feel free to complain to her after you read this article. Hint hint, prod prod.

Preparations:

A note from blogavoidant to VictoryGrey and myself about the impending appointment:

"The appointment with the psychiatrist at Haven House is on Friday the 13th. (HAH!) His name is Alex Thomas. I intend to ask him questions before he asks anything of Jace. Here are the questions I have planned so far. Is there more or other information you think we should know about him?"

This were questions that were INTENDED to be asked OF Doctor Thomas, to screen him for potential toxicity to me (jace):

Proposed questions by my close companion and caretaker:

1. How familiar are you with high functioning autism?
2. How many people on the autism spectrum have you assisted?
3. How many of them were benzodiazepine users?
4. How many benzodiazepine users have you assisted?
5. How many were successful with minimal withdrawal effects?
6. How many benzodiazepine users have you lived with while they were withdrawing?
7. Are you familiar with the "Aston taper" method?
8. Have you assisted people using that method?
9. What other methods have you used?

My own additions:

1. will you listen to a patient who knows almost as much as you do?
2. will you prescribe xyrem for sleep problems (details)? might as well send yet another xyrem request to the fucks at the government from another doctor. every attempt must count in some database. narcolepsy variant.
3. will you treat your patient as a professional colleague instead of an addict or child?
4. do you have problems giving technical explanations to technical questions?
5. will you admit to not knowing answers and then do research for things you do not know or do you have problems being openly unfamiliar with topics or details if asked about them?
6. are you at all insecure or ever have problems with competitive behavior that might be triggered by dealing with an extremely knowledgeable and intelligent autistic person who has become an expert on many topics that average patients never would?
7. will you avoid attempting to prescribe any other drug beyond what your patient requests to be on? (nothing other than the required benzodiazepine and requested xyrem).

i added the following to my list of questions:

"i don't even want to be in the building for this. the last time i was there answering questions, i had a total breakdown … a mental collapse. screen him for me please!!!!"

The Appointment:

The appointment with Dr. Thomas was scheduled for 11/13/2009 6:30pm. After the intake interview was completed on 10/30/09, Amy, the intake interviewer, said she was "writing very detailed notes for the doctor," so i wouldn't have to repeat myself much, and to note that i was requesting someone who "wasn't arrogant; someone who does not have a god complex" (she claimed he did not). i want a doctor who will treat me like an equal. Not someone who thinks they are the only PsyMD in the world and have the compulsion to re-diagnose me from scratch. Again, Amy assured me that she was "writing a lot of notes" for the doctor…

Walking out on the doctor:

i walked out on Dr. Thomas twice to avoid becoming overly traumatized. It was too late. Walking out meant i was already traumatized.

The first time i walked out was a direct result of Thomas' refusal to allow my companions, with all of our collected documentation, knowledge and experience, to participate in what he called "the initial start of the session. i had already been through trauma like this before (isolated from witnesses who could corroborate my observations and help defend me).

i returned, that first time, because the Haven House Outpatient Director, Allison, told me that Thomas was "the best there was." She spoke gently and kindly; the total opposite of Dr. Thomas. i stood there looking at her, the exit and my feet. i considered my options: none. There were no other doctors lined up for possible help. My supply of clonazepam is dwindling and withdrawal is potentially deadly (it's at least horrific and suicide-influencing). i complied with Allison Smith's request to reconsider my desire to leave simply because she appealed to my respect for her gentle approach and her very simple status as a stranger to me. She seemed to care. i tried very hard to suppress my PTSD responses for the sake of Allison's supposed position of superior experience and knowledge. I COMPLIED, as ALWAYS, despite my instincts demanding me to run like hell.

So i returned to the sealed room, once more without my companions. Thomas claimed "my privacy" was the reason for wanting the "private session." We all told Thomas and Allison that there were no secrets between us - i have no secrets or issues of embarrassment in general, due to my personality, openness and autism. Thomas would not accept these facts from THREE people, including his own potential patient.

Again the repeat questions that had been covered by Amy in the intake interview. Not only did Dr. Thomas refuse to allow my companions into his office with me (something that, up to now, was unheard of in my doctor-visitation experiences), Dr. Thomas defeated the entire intake interview meeting:

i specifically complained that the doctor was asking questions that had already been answered in the paperwork we (myself and companions) had filled out and brought with us as well as the "extensive notes" Amy made a huge effort to create. Thomas placed his hand on the stack of papers and declared "i didn't read this."

What was the point of the intake interview, the note taking and the questions if the doctor will disregard it all, including a patient's previous doctors' records and diagnostics?

Who's In Charge, Anyway?

"Haven House" has four doctors. We were told Dr. Alex Thomas, who i would be seeing, was "the best." They declared Dr. Alex Thomas was certified in drug & alcohol abuse, has a history of working in prisons (which sets a scary scenario in my mind unknown to me at the time), is very compassionate…

My companions and i could find no indication that Dr. Thomas had ANY compassion or empathy; he demonstrated, through action and inaction, that he had no experience working with autism-spectrum persons, yet he claimed to know autism and (seemingly lied on the spot) that he had many patients who were autistic and several of them were high functioning). Thomas demanded i provide him with the exact symptoms that told me i was autistic (and quick quick quick!!). It was as if my last four years of research and doctoring meant nothing to Thomas. He was impatient, i was anxious and he was not willing to listen to me describe "why i think i'm autistic"

He gave us no opportunity to give him information in any way. He demanded his own private interrogation of me (jace) in his office, all alone with Thomas (since these kinds of sociopathic manipulative tricks have been used on me before, i have severe PTSD issues with them). i fought my best to maintain self control and respect to this stranger who was potentially supposed to help me.

Thomas had the room sealed with himself and i in it so he could control the situation; my companions were barred from the room. They had all the info that Thomas was demanding from me. Among those where "where do you come from" (which is in the records he indicated he did not read). Thomas demanded i tell him, in some precise manner, what amount of clonazepam i've been taking, which is not possible; we brought a full list of medications and side-effects (mental & physical) with us for him to examine. He did not even give us the chance to provide them. They were not examined… including a schedule of clonazepam use, which he demanded of me, verbally (i have autism and scheduling is an extreme weak point in my neurological makeup - very common among autistics, even high functioning autistics).

When Thomas demanded i TELL him my "regular dosage," (still trapped with him in private), i pointed to the door, indicating that my companions had it all documented in a spreadsheet - the doses i've taken over the last two or three weeks.

Thomas didn't like that i was not complying with his inflexible demands. Thomas did no like that i wanted him to do his job like a professional and READ the documentation provided and offered. Because there were no witnesses, Thomas could say whatever he wanted about me i.e.: "he's too angry, I can't work with him," which he told my companions after i abandoned the building in disgust.

Thomas making such statements was his attempt to regain control over his "image" around his office coworkers, my companions and for him to maintain a feeling of control over the situation (since i challenged that "control" by walking out, TWICE)

So i ask: Who is in charge, Director Allison Smith or Dr. Alex Thomas?

Control:

i repeatedly told Dr. Thomas there was no risk of embarrassment among my companions & myself but he continued to refuse the concept, quite vehemently. Thomas seemed irritated that i even disagreed with anything he said (a common anti-social personality "clinical symptom"). Dr. Thomas knows nothing about me or my companions but he was completely inflexible to learn anything from us. It was clear that he wanted things his way or NO way.

About being the "best doctor…" no one is "the best" psychiatrist. Certainly no doctor with this kind of unprofessional behavior. Declaring being the best is an arrogant, grandiose statement. Very much clinical of anti-social personality disorders… such as the very exact statement that was also made by another PsyMD i encountered in my toxic experiences with "the health care system." That other doctor is named Dr. Duque, who was at St. Luke's Hospital, in Quakertown as a fill-in doctor to cover for vacationing doctors (when i was wrongfully imprisoned in hospital on an invalid 302). That's a story all of its own… but like Duque, Thomas demonstrated manipulative traits, need for control, bulldozing, questioning without demonstrating the receptiveness to the answers he apparently sought, a strong egotistical focus and possibly a problem of pathological lying. My opinion: i declare he is potentially sociopathic (at least dangerously close to it). It is clear to myself and my two companions who accompanied me that Dr. Alex Thomas wants control and will see to it that he has the control he wants or that he will refuse service (another sociopathic "trait" - "you can take my offering or get nothing").

i have a lot of experience with people who manipulate, push, and isolate their victims (they isolate the victims so there are no witnesses to their behavior, maintaining the upper hand on credibility and keeping control over the situation, despite the situation being unhealthy for the relationship or person they're dealing with). Thomas was not interested in me as a human being or a patient and gave a striking example of antipathy and a "clock punching" work ethic (if that's any ethic at all).

Walking Out AGAIN:

i was going to walk out on Dr. Thomas a second time because Thomas continued to refuse to work with me. It was Thomas' terms or no terms. He was not interested. He was impatient. Thomas argued with me over the simplest questions, demonstrating a critical distaste for my autism diagnosis. Thomas acted as though the work of other psychiatrists (even those who are autism specialists) was irrelevant. Thomas said "i'm a different psychiatrist from other psychiatrists" (no kidding, pal, i'm glad you can handle that complex concept, but it doesn't mean you work in a vacuum!). "Different psychiatrist" is no reason to throw away years (yes years) of established information that has been backed and approved by research and experience (my own, that of my doctors' and countless specialists who have written books on the topics involving the autism spectrum).

After struggling to explain my diagnosis process to Thomas (first, my own discovery, which he attacked as "self diagnosis," which most specialists KNOW is the first step to adult autism awareness and secondly/thirdly: two doctors who are specialists in autism), Thomas changed topics rather abruptly; it seemed he didn't know how to regain the upper hand on the autism topic, so he returned to his aggressive questioning on irrelevant topics (such as "where are you from?" which was covered by intake-Amy's documentation).

By this point i'd had enough; i'd explained the importance of "relevancy of topics/information" and autism; i explained that i have PTSD (which Thomas and the environment were triggering). I made a physical gesture of frustration and a motion to get up from the chair and Thomas responded by jumping up and going for the door, announcing "This isn't going to work, I can't work with you." Thomas headed towards the door before i was able to, seemingly to "get there first," likely to maintain his feeling of controlling the situation. That action set me off: Thomas made it clear that he had to be the boss even at the cost of severely destabilizing his own patient.

What's the first rule and oath that MD's take? DO NO HARM. Thomas did great harm to serve his need for "control" over what he seems to think is HIS world. It is not his right to exercise control over other persons, nor is it "our" privilege to be controlled by said people. Point blank: He is NOT special, nor is he better than anyone else i've seen; he's one of the worst i've encountered (excepting Dr. Duque at Quakertown St. Luke's "Behavioral Health Ward," who's sociopathy traits are on par with or superior to Thomas').

Image and Control:

Like most sociopaths, Thomas had to maintain the image of control by "getting there first." Thomas' seemed to proclaim that his patient was not abandoning him but that he was abandoning a patient not up to Thomas' standards. Thomas' behavior was aggressive and intolerant of my neurology, my sensitivities, my situation (which he had ample opportunity to investigate and become educated about but refused to under what seemed to be the fact that he felt it was irrelevant and beneath him). Thomas refused to acknowledge my autism at all. He demonstrates the opposite of what a "mental healthcare professional" should be.

Once you learn about, and experience, several sociopaths first-hand, you learn to quickly recognize the same pathology in the next sociopath you encounter. You're trained by exposure and the damage they do to you. It's almost unavoidable for many sociopaths to hide these "tells" and Thomas has many (the "less successful" a sociopath is, the quicker you can point out their pathological traits). Thomas has apparently found his stable "Peter Principal" floating point in "professional" society (unable to progress upward due to his personal deficiencies, but not likely to be taken down a rung by any other, more powerful, force). Clearly Thomas will milk it for all he can, getting his egotistical satisfaction by pushing and manipulating his patients (and his colleagues??). That's why i am publishing this; you can avoid this man and this facility.

(If you need a basic reference on sociopathy - the DSM-IV TR does not accept it as varying from any other anti-social personality disorder, though the previous edition DID delineate - get the rather inexpensive and accessible book by Martha Stout called "The Sociopath Next Door" - There are many other books and journals about sociopathy and the resulting diagnostic confusion regarding the lack of differentiation between sociopathy and other APDs)

The Damage Done:

i am not a child. i am an adult. i am not an addict. i was coerced onto medications toxic to me when i was naive enough to accept "advise" of people i used to trust. i am not unreasonable (as demonstrated by the fact that i went back after Haven House Director Allison Smith talked me into giving Thomas a chance, and by the fact that i WALKED OUT INSTEAD of creating a scene or acting out my rage; i CONTROLLED MYSELF, unlike Thomas - i even demonstrated an attempt to accommodate a foreign environment and new people by originally returning to Thomas' office, telling him it was nothing personal, shook his hand, and tried to explain that i have a great deal of personal trauma associated with doctors, authority figures and hospitals). i am a very reasonable person being driven to socially unacceptable behaviors by an unreasonable "healthcare system." i told Dr. Thomas i had no personal problem with him (just in case some idiot wanted to try throwing in the racism BS). Thomas made the situation personal by abusing his privileges to practice as a Medical Doctor and abusing the most easily abused and manipulated types of patients there are in "the system."

You cannot control autistics (especially high functioning autistics) with aggression and pushiness, especially when they have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and/or PTSD.
Thomas was right that i was "angry" (which he declared to all who would hear him when he appeared to be sending me out of his office). He generated that anger. He triggered that anger. Dr. Thomas was the SOURCE of that anger.

i walked out of the building exceedingly angry. Angry that i'd been lied to, fooled by and manipulated by yet another "health care provider," and knowing there would likely be no repercussions for those guilty of misconduct.

(You people who fight "Left" and "Right" over health care reform have no clue what the real issues are; all you talk about is money & where it should come from- The real problem is the underlying system of the "provider" arrogance and the "coverage" domination over the providers and educators of said providers- your money arguments do not at all affect the situation i was in other than i was subjected to "good enough for government work"-quality of service, a colloquial expression meaning "if it's cheap, it's what we'll take, and give to our disabled citizens").

i was angry. Furious. Dangerous.

Angry that i was suffering new PTSD triggers by the very people who were supposed to help me. Dr. Thomas and the entire Haven House facility were a massive catalyst for an anger that lead me to desperate behavior and thinking. i was so desperate to escape the entire frightening campus that i walked, into the dark, down a hill and climbed over a fence twice my height (no exaggeration). i then walked 3/4 of the way home (about six or seven miles?). My feet are blistered. My legs, thighs, ankles, feet, etc burn with pain and weakness. Up till yesterday, i could barely walk. If not for my own sense of honor and respect for law, the rights of others and ethics, i would have assaulted people and objects on my "mad dash" from the source of trauma. Luckily, the stalking walk and climbing over a fence and the pain in my body were catalysts to remind me that i do not wish ANYONE to suffer BECAUSE i suffer and understand suffering. This reminded me that i was better than this so-called "best doctor." i have EMPATHY and ETHICS he clearly lacked an ability to demonstrate.

Repercussions:

Thomas did damage. Haven House did damage; extreme distress of a long term variety. Thomas is toxic to people who have any sensitivities whatsoever. This experience will further compound difficulties in dealing with all future doctors and hospitals (here, Thomas did extremely serious damage). Thomas does not act like a service provider; Thomas acts like it's a patient's "privilege" to see him, as though the Doctor is a god who grants his sheep a casual glance now and then.

Wrong.

Thomas is a DOCTOR. A service provider. Thomas did not earn his pay. He has earned reprimanding or, preferably, dismissal due to the severity of his damage to a patient/client/customer. Haven House did not earn payment for the TWO agonizing appearances i was forced to make. Thomas should be charged for my psychological damage and dismissed. Thomas has no right (based on this behavior he demonstrates) to practice psychiatric 'medicine' and should have any license to practice medicine revoked.

Autism, BPD, PTSD… All of these diagnoses, explanations, and several other doctors' notes, were in the materials supposedly provided to Thomas by intake-Amy, sitting unread on Thomas' desk. Is this normal policy to ignore all the work of the interviewer and for the doctor to force the patient to relive toxic experiences by dredging them up again, aggressively, while the doctor does no work whatsoever on researching the patient prior to the first contact? Does Dr. Thomas view reading the notes as below him? Clerical? Or perhaps Dr. Thomas has some disabilities himself, such as reading comprehension, which leads to his refusal to deal with paperwork (a situation NOT uncommon in my observation). Why not investigate? i can't. THIS writing is all i can do. Complaints and writing and questioning "a lawyer friend" is all i can do. i am without resources of any kind except "word of mouth." Freedom of speech.

The Aftermath:

After i left the building, concerned about my well being, my companions, who were there to make sure none of this horrific stuff happened in the first place, followed me out of the building… but i was long gone. blogavoidant saw me climb over the 20 foot fence and i think that's about it. After i walked a little, trying to clear my head, i called them from my cell phone to inform them that Thomas told me he didn't read any of Amy's documentation. This motivated my companions to return to the Haven House office and complain about this issue. When attempting to return to the office and express their frustrations and observations, they found the place locked-up, the reception area light turned off and no response to the buzzer/intercom. That is highly UN-PROFESSIONAL of a medical establishment, especially in light of the OBVIOUS situation. The time between my departure and my companions' attempt to return to the office was at most 30 minutes. It appears like the guilty parties made a quick escape… or more likely… they were happy to be finished with the last office visit of the evening, all too eager to end and leave, regardless of the patient's needs. More ways to show "who is in control."

Well, it's not YOU, dear "health care system." No matter what you think, you will always be the service providers. One day you will suffer the consequences for the damage you have wrought.

As for me, i will never deal with Haven House again (the name is a cruel joke to me)… except maybe in the way you're reading now: to ensure that others know of my experience and do not patronize the facility. i will make as much of this situation public as possible until the Department of Public Welfare actively produces proof that they've corrected or terminated Dr. Alex Thomas as an employee, reprimanded Allison Smith for her complacency in allowing such a toxic "doctor" to do such damage as he has done. An offer of some just compensation for my enhanced suffering (which Haven House had been PRE-WARNED about, should the doctor behave as Thomas behaved) would be not just welcome but expected.

i was at Haven House because it was on the tiny list of welfare providers. i was there to get assistance to taper off of legally prescribed benzodiazepines which are harming me… yet the entire Haven House experience lead to self injury via walking home and taking a large dose of the benzodiazepine to cope with the inflicted toxic experience FROM Haven House's proclaimed "best doctor." i handled my damage without harming anyone or anything. Dr. Thomas harmed me with his pathological anti-social personality disorder, god-complex and general complacency and arrogance. Haven House did me a considerable amount of damage and dis-service: the opposite of its apparent purpose. i will have extreme difficulty getting any rest [that night] if any. This experience will linger with me for a very long time (as an autistic, i have eidetic memory) and the experience will interfere with future attempts at seeking help.

Thomas is unprofessional and dangerous. That makes Haven House the same.

i could continue, but by this point i already assume no one cares or, if employed at Haven House, they are afraid of Thomas' political power over his office mates and boss (like jefferson's control over his colleagues at KU) and will therefore do nothing about this clearly intolerable and unjust situation, and Thomas' inappropriate behavior.

-jace cavacini, blogavoidant and VictoryGrey

Requesting Assistance From Anyone Who Cares

Please forgive my presumptuous plea. i cannot live where i'm living. Just can't. It's killing me. Some of you have asked me "what can i do to help?" Here's something:

Please read the following letter, then send your own version (w/any changes you would like to add). Please send your letter via email !!AND by physical postal mail!! to Nina Wall-Cote, Director, Bureau of Autism Services. She's the director of the Adult Autism program i'm still NOT receiving services from. i'm imploring assistance for relocation based on the autism program's own financial claims. They have the resources, but they are not recognizing the necessity; they claim relocation isn't part of the program but it should be.

The more people who scream with me, the more i might be heard. i am sorry for asking this of you, especially in light of my inability to be there for YOU in my "rock bottom" state.

To:
Nina Wall-Cote, Director
Bureau of Autism Services
Office of Developmental Programs
Department of Public Welfare
501 Health & Welfare Building
Harrisburg PA 17120
nwall-co@state.pa.us
717 265-7760

Dear Ms. Wall-Cote,

We have been looking at the limits on various services that the Autism Bureau offers. It looks like the Bureau is able to provide up $178,766 per year for very intensive residential habilitation.

The Bureau very specifically denies relocation as being a service provided. Is relocation not an intensive residential habilitation? If a person who becomes so disabled as to require being moved from their home to a residential habilitation situation, how is that better than relocating them to a more appropriate private home (not requiring intensive staff time)? If you wish me to be able to function as an independent adult, it cannot be within the parameters currently provided. And note, I was functioning as an independent adult until I was mistreated by the healthcare system and my employers. Counseling and social services do not and cannot apply to me because I have passed beyond those developmental stages as a human being and have already made these accommodations myself; furthermore, a neuropsychiatrist I was seeing, who specializes in autism stated that I am too advanced for counseling, both in the developmental sense and intelligence.

My autism condition has progressed to the point where I cannot tolerate:

· Institutional settings such as hospitals, group homes, outpatient clinics, etc.
· My family (nor can they provide daily residential support for me)
· My current residence/community

It has been acknowledged by people working with the DPW that that there are no experts on adult autism; except perhaps the adult autistics themselves who have spent their lives adjusting their disability to accommodate society (such as employers, health care providers and social expectations).

I was born with autism, not borderline personality disorder (BPD) or PTSD. Those two conditions arose because of toxic experiences that directly relate to a society that will not accommodate (at the time) children, nor adults, with high-functioning autism. We are, in fact, seemingly invisible, as demonstrated by my many experiences with the "health care system" and most painfully and destructively by the "mental health care system."

The Adult Autism Waiver program is not supplementing my SSD or welfare, indicated by the fact that my well-being continues to decline.

My house is a rowhome, where there is an overwhelming amount of noise. My tolerance for sounds is not something that has potential to improve via behavioral therapy. It's hardwired neurology compounded by the abuses I've received by being an autistic person since I was born. The construction of this home cannot be modified for sound isolation without an estimated $200,000 modification (and that's just for 2 rooms, and only if the house can support the weight of the materials).

I am not interested in the social/behavioral services offered by the Bureau, nor can they be of value to me (they could be toxic to me, in fact, as I have spent my entire "developmental stages" of life making these changes myself, on my own terms, and have been quite successful, in general, until the most recent and most severe events). It seems to me that the funds allocated to these types of services could be reallocated to more individually appropriate services.

I may not be the type of autistic adult that you had in mind when forming the program, but that doesn't mean that my type is less deserving of services. It appears that the program is focused on transitioning children from childhood autism programs to equivalent adult programs, not programs specifically for those who were diagnosed as adults. Does the fact that I reached this critical point in my life due to not being diagnosed as a child, not receiving childhood autism services, my uniqueness leading to social abuse and an inability to get help from the health care system make me any less deserving than the people who are diagnosed as children?

I am currently the lowest functioning I have ever been due to medication I was coerced onto inappropriately, unwanted and harmful "crisis intervention," the loss of my career at the hands of employers who refused to accommodate my disabilities (despite my best efforts to accommodate their employment requirements) and the general failure of the healthcare system to accommodate, or even communicate with, me (due to their unfamiliarity with high functioning autistic adults, which they just want to push onto psychiatrists who also do not have the required expertise). I've been through "the system" many times and it has only worsened my condition. I can barely function in this environment, with these insufficient services, and that includes the assistance of two close friends who are beyond their capacity to help me. I do consider this to be a life and death situation and I don't feel my requests are unreasonable, given the mission statement of the Bureau.

I have attempted to continue discussion with you after your email to me (which responded to my complaint through the DPW website), with yet to see a reply. I understand you are a very busy person and email is likely the inappropriate format for this communication. I have attempted to contact you via telephone at the phone number you offered in your email (9:08am November 17th) and was only able to leave a short and, admittedly, difficult message (my communication skills are better in person, or in text, than on a timed and noisy voicemail system being filtered through a secretary). I wish to have direct communication with you but this letter is an attempt to reach you ASAP.

With respect,


[Jace Cavacini]

Speaking out to protect internet freedom

My letter to the FCC regarding newly proposed Net Neutrality rules:

"Most if not all would agree that one of the most wonderful things the internet has been a platform for is the proliferation of independent media. But some of these media sources now rest on shaky grounds. Home videos, podcasts, and small professional-level productions like The Guild or Strike TV are in direct competition with cable internet companies like Comcast and will be at risk if these internet providers are allowed to discriminate against certain users.

If there were plenty of competition in place it might be different, but in many markets there are no more than one or two high speed internet providers. These companies in many cases have a monopoly and so it is critical for consumer protection that they are regulated accordingly.

Even now Comcast has bandwidth throttling in place that targets users who use 70% or more of their paid for, allotted bandwidth, for more than fifteen minutes. How can it even be legal for a company to sell you X amount of bandwidth and then say, "but really you only have 70% of X bandwidth because if you go over that, we'll slow you down."

These companies need to be kept completely neutral and be legally obligated to provide the services they advertise. Period. Anything less is a pox on democracy and society at large."

Tell your story.

1 month to 34 [photo added]

34 wasted years because of you fuckers.

more SSRI-enabled violence... and the truth about psychiatric "treatment"

"Orlando shooter, US army Fort Hood shooter both linked to psychiatric drugs"
http://www.naturalnews.com/027425_drugs_drugs_violence.html

and an interview with the author of Mad In America (Robert Whitaker):
http://www.naturalnews.com/011353_drugs_Prozac_antidepressants.html

the truth about psychiatric "medicine" is available if you're willing to think for yourself & read a little. don't let them take away your mind. i've seen it. i've watched people become WORSE at the hands of "doctors" and "the system" & i am experiencing it. i used to believe in the medications, too... because i was TOLD to believe.

family knows the words & the dance moves, but has no soul

"halos for the sisters, mutilation for the brother - the boy is nothing to their wants"

"because your god (and seroquel) decree it"

psych meds keep you "sick" & make you worse

Evidence is mounting that psych meds are making people (& populations) worse, not better. Nations that don't keep their patients on meds have a higher recovery rate than, the "rich & modern" nations like the USA. You wont find this info welcome in my country because the USA is the home of "big pharma" & "capitalism at the cost of humanity."

"...a research effort that lasted 8 years. ... At both two-year and five-year follow-ups, patients in three poor countries–India, Nigeria, and Colombia–were doing dramatically better than patients in the United States and four other developed countries. They were much more likely to be fully recovered and faring well in society–”an exceptionally good social outcome characterized these patients,” the WHO researchers wrote–and only a small minority had become chronically sick. At five years, about 64 percent of the patients in poor countries were asymptomatic and functioning well. Another 12 percent were doing okay, neither fully recovered nor chronically ill, and the final 24 percent were still doing poorly. In contrast, only 18 percent of the patients in the rich countries were asymptomatic and doing well, 17 percent were in the so-so category, and nearly 65 percent had poor outcomes…." - page 227, "Mad in America,” by Robert Whitaker

The blog poster of this info had this to say about it:

"This is further evidence that the chemical imbalance theory and even the link made to genes as a factor in mental illness is flawed. Environmental factors such as trauma and toxins are much more likely indicators." - giannakali of bipolarblast / Beyond Meds (here: http://bipolarblast.wordpress.com/2009/10/25/the-who-study/ )

i've been saying this for a long time about a lot of "mental disorders" yet i'm no one of importance and wont be listened to in the nation that makes these meds at gross profits.

also of vital note for benzodiazepine users (like myself!):

"Benzodiazepines ... prescribed for ... stress-related reactions. ... if used for more than a few days they may prevent the normal psychological adjustment to such trauma. In the case of loss or bereavement they may inhibit the grieving process which may remain unresolved for many years." ... "benzodiazepines may inhibit the learning of alternative stress-coping strategies, including cognitive behavioural treatment." - Professor C Heather Ashton DM, FRCP

Read the whole thing at: "Benzodiazepines: How They Work And How To Withdraw (aka The Ashton Manual)"
or start at the host's general site: http://www.benzo.org.uk/

Thanks to Emphryio for pointing me to the W.H.O. info link!!

music page: now with remixes

starting to post my remixes of other artists' work:
the perfect drug (dysamoria coming down) nin's "the perfect drug," on the softer side. © nin.
I Feel Loved (dysamoria softmix) Depeche Mode's "I Feel Loved." © Depeche Mode.
both are decon/reconstructions. enjoy.

Dear John USPS

the last thing i have time for right now is a blog entry, and yet here it is. in two days i'll be moving, and so it was, at one of the worst possible times, that i sold a dvd on amazon. don't get me wrong, i'm glad for the income, and yet there is a dark sense of rush when the next thought is, "if i don't get this package out TODAY, before the move, it could get lost in the dreaded Box Sea."

printing the packing slip, which i wanted to include in the package (and which incidentally also contained the mailing address i would be shipping to), was no longer possible from home as the printer is long packed. this led to me carrying the package to work, printing the slip, then rushing with my still open box to the soon-to-close post office after work.

once at the counter, the clerk weighed my box, showed me the weight and shipping options, and then attempted to talk me into a mailing envelope which would save me so much money on the shipping (actually not that much). of course, the mailer costs $1.39, which was not lost on me, and i kept pointing out that by using my own box the total cost was cheaper, even if the weight was greater. he finally stopped, looked me in the eye and said, "do you have tape to close the box?"

of course, up until this time i presumed the post office would have oodles of tape lying around and that this would be the least of my package concerns. i replied, "what? there's no tape here?" he proceeded to explain that yes, there was tape, but if i wanted to use it i would have to pay for it because the post office wasn't doing well and the employees had been instructed to earn an extra buck however possible. they were no longer allowed to tape packages for customers.

OH REALLY?

gee, i wonder why he didn't tell me that as soon as i arrived at his counter with an obviously open box...

anyway, i was still concerned about getting the package shipped on time and i'm not an asshole who's going to hold up another person's package and risk it being lost, and shipment delayed, so that i can stand on principle over a fucking dollar and change. i paid for the mailer and took my leave of the post office.

for good.

Dear USPS,

you made a dollar more today, but you are penny wise and pound foolish. a business in death throes cannot afford the foolishness of a policy that results in poor customer service! the consequence? aside from occasional stamps, i will no longer be doing business with you. when i need to ship a package, i'll pay extra to do so with Fed-Ex or UPS. when i get a package shipped, i'm going to pay more to have it shipped by the previously mentioned providers, who HAVE NEVER nickel and dime'd me over tape!!!

USPS, this isn't "rocket science." if you have lost business to the internet, if you cannot compete with your shipping competitors, then raise your prices up front and provide THE BEST service, not the worst.

or perish.

xoxo,
-VG

p.s. YOUR TELEPHONE CUSTOMER SERVICE ALSO BLOWS.

i don't think i can feel any more

image vs. reality x (social responsibility)

you may think that you don't owe anyone anything & no one owes you. if so, you're anti-social, like a sociopath. in order to participate in a society, & be a non-destructive element of it, you must take responsibility for your actions (active and passive). this includes how you treat every other person you encounter. everyone; from a casual glance to "a friend."

trashed again

The social part of my PTSD? read this: http://dysamoria.com/blog/2008/08/trash.html
Then read the comments, starting from "Heather said... Hi Jace, this is Mike, not Heather--"
Read it ALL. EVERYONE. this is YOUR society. and this is just a TINY FUCKING TIDBIT of what i've been through.

the mindfuck of jace's home ownership

in a recent email, jace said, "what does this shithole house mean to me? pushed, tricked, fooled, financially raped, deceived. fraud. toxic hell hole in a toxic hell."

this was my reply:

"you told me you'd rather own that house than rent a place, even if it meant we could live together, because everything else has been taken away from you and you didn't want to lose ownership of your home too.

the house is an endless reminder of hell, but ownership of it also means something to you. the more you destroy it, the less value there is in ownership.

this must be utterly mindfucking, to be stuck between these two meanings that take turns pulling you in their direction. the house is worth something. the house is a prison. the house has value. the house is a torture scene. something could be done to the house to make it more functional. but "could be" isn't "will be" and any solutions are far away and incomplete.








sigh.

if you destroy more of the house, you may expend some of this anger in the short term, but in the long term i think you will feel worse for it."

Re: "disability & welfare don't support human dignity"

Boy, THAT'S the truth. Welfare is even worse than disability, and homeless people are at the absolute bottom... conservative assholes think they should just go get jobs, but don't realize that they have to spend their whole days waiting in lines to get food and a bed for the night and on and on. The HAVES are so paranoid about the expense of helping others that they become short sighted (or penny wise and pound foolish) and make it a punishment to get help.

Something I remember a professor of mine saying about welfare states is that when public services are available to anyone, regardless of income level, they enjoy broad public support; however, when public services are restricted to low-income people, the services take on a stigma and lose public support. I see evidence of it everywhere.

gone too far, can't turn back

not even close to what it feels like

(posted here because probably no one notices it on my main page)

the republic of selfishness

dude, i was fucked over by YOUR society while doing everything in my power to harmonize, fit in, play along, follow the rules... YOU fucking owe ME. don't give me that "pull yourself up" bullshit, especially when most of you slashed & burned & stepped on backs to get what you have & where you are that you think is so cushy & so entitled to you... or it was given to you by family. you KNOW who you are.

complacent hypocrite sheep of god

god, give me the strength to not burn down "your" churches in response to every one of your followers who say "i will pray for [you/a cause]" instead of getting off their fat fucking complacent asses and DOING something about it.

and give me the courage to look you in the eye and scream "FUCK YOU" when your minions finally drive me to my wrongful death, with religious glee that you will be there to "forgive" me. in fact, wear armor when i get there or you're fucked. you thought lucifer was a pain in the ass? you made him that way, slavemaster god. just like you "made" your little toy ant farm called humanity (after WE made you). equally fictional lucifer chose to rule hell rather than serve you, you fucking hypocrite, fantasy, superstition lie. that's pretty fucking telling about YOUR arrogance. how about i go create living beings to serve me and praise me? like... children! i could be a "parent!" little life forms to do my bidding. to be owned by me. to worship me for bringing them into existence despite doing fuck all for them as actual people. yeah, i can be god, too!

for these are the things i cannot live with and cannot accept, and "that's just the way it is."

fuck god. if you believe, and it makes you feel better, great for you. but don't pray for me. it offends me deeply. if you "love" me, you wont "pray" for me, thinking you "know better." know that you're wrong.

(if anyone knows the proper source of that image above, please let me know)

software industrial god complex

dear 800-pound-software-gorillas: the more engineering time you waste binding your products together into confusing suites/packages (adding questionable "value-added" features) & then "protecting" them with anti-user, anti-piracy methods, the lower the overall product quality becomes & the less motivated your former customers are to acquire legitimate copies of the new versions as they're forced to "update" in order to stay relevant. yeah, i'm looking at YOU, Adobe. you used to do no wrong. now you feel & look utterly sleazy... greedy... self-trapped. if you've saturated the market, don't punish your legit customers by ruining the products & people who MADE YOU the success you were. stop treating customers like beta testers & thieves. you will MAKE them into thieves & they will steal your unfinished product that you try to sell as commercial releases. it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. you've almost even exceeded microsoft. actually, maybe you have exceeded them. posted in better format at NowPublic.

the color of my dreams

if i had dreams,
& i do,
they would be you.

& they are.

repeatedly, violently,
i fall for you again.
& once again
i lose.

i wake, unrested, shouting
at all of you.

for all you complacent fuckers

i'm leaving again

not that it matters to fucking anyone

image vs. reality ix (harsh reality)

your violence harms whether you intended violence or not.

image vs. reality viii (sticks and stones)

words can uplift more powerfully than helping hands.
...
fists can crush more violently than punching fists.

(EDITED by dysamoria)

corporate greed as society

social networking sites destroy ppl w/supreme, godlike power. i never reported anyone; i believe in freedom of expression, then they censor my right to express victimization. i was content ignoring mafia wars till then. mafia wars = money. i = zero. no profit. no voice. corporate social networks = cold sociopaths waiting to strike at ppl seeking connection; striking for the benefit of sociopaths. don't dare tell me he owns me! he ruined my career & will never pay the price. law is nonexistent. no one enforces existing laws; no one cares abt fringe adult ptsd autistic victims. blame the victim, hypocrites.

they are superior in their hate, manipulation, killing, etc. & they get away with it. always. they gain. they climb. i rot. i get no justice. there is none. no god. no karma. no afterlife. nothing but watching criminals profit, proliferate & pride themselves.

take away & murder everything a person has & you make them very dangerous. some people enjoy creating more like themselves. i'd rather die. what a cliche. it's all that's left.

there was more to me than this before the killers struck, wearing masks of friendship and loyalty. who am i now? same as before. nothing. and my peers tell me to "get over it."

noose

watch my dance, in the dark, your rope round my neck, tied neatly up back, trapdoor below. i'm so filled w/your force-fed pills i'll feel nigh a thing when the drop comes again. till morn, when i realize nothing has changed, 'cept my voice further diminished. a person has a right to speak out against his persecutors. take it away & they are nothing. might as well kill me. facebook. jefferson. picus. flickr. john.

facebook = flickr = hypocrite

FACEBOOK HYPOCRITES:

"You uploaded a photo that violates our [TOU], and this photo has been removed. Facebook does not allow photos that attack an individual or group, or that contain nudity, drug use, violence, or other violations of the [TOU]." "...policies are designed to ensure Facebook remains a safe, secure and trusted environment for all users, including the many children who use the site." "... any questions or concerns ... visit ... http://www.facebook.com/help.php?topic=wphotos."

The "help" topic says:

"Unfortunately, for technical reasons, we are unable to provide further information about the removed content. In order to prevent this from happening in the future, please refrain from posting photos or videos of this kind and remove any that still exist on the site."

WHAT KIND?? YOU DON'T TELL ME, I CAN'T DO ANYTHING DIFFERENT, ASSHOLES!

Family friendly??

Why does FACEBOOK allow "Mafia Wars" & its adverts that say things like "kill your friends" & "crime pays" (which i reported as offensive at least 30 times) if this is supposed to be a kid safe site?? HYPOCRITES. Consider this a warning. i will abandon, delete, & author a scathing NowPublic article & BOYCOTT facebook just like i did flickr. i will NOT tolerate more hypocrite bullshit from yet another "social networking" website with its FUCKING HYPOCRITE BULLSHIT "Terms Of Use."

FUCK YOU philthadelphia!

noise noise noise noise noise
police breaking down doors at 5am for no reason
noise noise noise noise noise
police don't give a fuck about citizens
noise noise noise noise
police yell at you for calling them
(IF you get a HUMAN at ALL)

NO HONOR. NO RESPECT. NO WORK ETHIC.
(I SPEAK TO YOU AS A WHOLE, NOT INDIVIDUALS)
CITY POLICIES ARE FUCKING IGNORANT BULLSHIT.

JUST LIKE MY "HOME" TOWN!